AIBU to discourage “girly” behaviour in 3 year old?

[Readysetcake]

DD is starting to want to wear skirts and dresses, asking to have her nails painted, wanting to be a princess all the time and asking me to marry her etc etc. I’m not “girly” don’t wear make up day to day just nights out not really into clothes and she doesn’t watch Disney yet (scares easily) so not sure where it’s coming from.

It’s not that I have anything again make up and fashion really, I just don’t want her to grow up and thinking that the way she looks is the most important thing and that to be happy she needs a boy friend like I did. I was so miserable as a teenager as I thought I was ugly and because I didn’t have a boyfriend I was worthless. I still struggle with low self esteem and I don’t want that for my girl. I want to give her confidence and her to know that she can do and be anything. If it turns out she wants to be a princess that’s fine but I just don’t want society to dictate that to her. I do t want her to think her value is based on the way she looks which is how the world wants women’s to be it seems. What can I do to raise my girl to be confident and resilient with out enforcing any particular thing?

It's not that femininity is a negative thing. You're female, you get feminine for free. Thinking about what you look like all the time I think is negative. Obsession with appearance leads to so much angst in teenagers, eating disorders etc. The kids who think "I'll never be pretty so I'll never find a boyfriend/girlfriend". When actually if they just got on with enjoying what they enjoy doing, a partner is likely to pop up, and someone they actually have something to talk about with too. Princess culture I find can be quite negative too - unless they're a princess already, that is kind of saying their aspiration is to grow up and meet Prince George. But if you tweak it into adventurer princess they can still be princess but set their mind into more of a "go and find adventure" pattern, and going to find adventure is a much more realistic ambition.

Wear a dress if suitable for what you're doing today; or wear trousers. If a child is spending half the day twirling in their dress or trousers and asking people if they look pretty/smart, I'm concerned about that child's attitude. If they're going to be into fashion I'd be encouraging them to DO fashion - draw, design, make, try out on other people or dolls; not preen.

I'm with others it's not about discouraging but encouraging a wide range of experiences and giving her access to a wide range of toys / clothes etc - it's about giving her ideas that she can do anything she wants to do and showing her the amazing variety of opportunities available.
I have boys and my 2yo loves painting nails (weird because I only have nail varnish from fancy dress parties), has dolls, teddies, a play kitchen, cleaning sets, pirate ships, a train set and loads of cars.
He thinks it's the norm that women work on building sites because mummy does, although the 10yo grasps it's unusual but also realised that there is no real reason they shouldn't.

In my dds class it’s tbe boys who are more into their looks. Their hair is in elaborate styles and they take real care over it - unlike most of the girls

In my limited experience it is how you raise daughters not the clothes they wear that matters.

Feminism to me isn't about rejecting femininity. Girls and women are amazing BECAUSE they're girls and women not in spite of it.

In addition this is perfectly normal child development, she's exploring and learning who she is and that includes her sex and gender. To stifle that exploration would be deeply unhealthy.

My dd around the same age insisted on going to nursery in a pink fairy outfit for a week! She was also at this time completely obsessed with motorbikes & helicopters!

She's now almost 18, working full time in a male dominated industry, more than holding her own and hates pink, but still loves getting dressed up for a night out and embracing her womanhood when it suits her.

It's likely a phase, but it's for her to determine how long it lasts. Not you.

Confidence isn't mutually exclusive with femininity either.

You praise every aspect of her to build confidence. Her intellect, kindness, practical abilities, looks... All of it. If you ignore the looks side she could well think you don't think she looks nice which could be just as damaging. You teach her we can be anything - and that this can change on a daily, hell hourly basis!

I have an absolutely stunning friend who people assume is a "princess" type, she is a very successful tech developer and does free climbing as a hobby. She has days when she's working in the day designing some new robot or some such, then climbing after, then later dressed up to nines for a girls night out.

If you want her to believe she really can be ANYTHING she wants you have to back that up in your actions.

What’s wrong with pink?

My daughter when she was three was so into pink. Nothing other than pink and princesses was acceptable. She’s nearly 5 and now she’s into science and experiments, blues etc. I never ever once prevented the pink obsession, I went with it. I wanted her to know I accepted her for what she was, but I showed her other things, mud, spiders, bikes etc. She loves biking, but is open to pink and has never ever picked out what others like if they are different- I think because she knows everything is ok.

If you push the anti pink, you run the risk of her thinking girls who like pink etc are wrong/different/stupid- the whole ‘blond bimbo’ perception of the 90’s.

I find this thread a little upsetting as it reminds me of my own childhood from the 70s.
I'm sure it came from a good place, but as a child I was dressed almost exclusively in trousers and DM cut my hair short herself until I was old enough to put my foot down (allegedly because her own long hair was dipped in the ink pots by boys - of course no ink pots and no boys at my school)

Signs of femininity were frowned upon and seemed to be deemed as frivolous.

It's great to teach DCs that they can do all things regardless of their gender, but also to remember that clothes and make up can be enjoyable not as a tool of the patriarchy, but just for self expression. Let her wear what she wants.

Brexit I’m pretty sure it was part of a bigger picture that led to her going NC with her mother...her mother was a control freak who wouldn’t let her daughter be her own person and who wanted her to be an experiment in her own ideologies (she was a Women’s Studies professor with an extreme agenda and anti-feminine outlook on life). She paid no regard to the child’s needs or wishes about her own identity and wouldn’t let her play with girls who wore pretty dresses or had dolls (pretty much every little girl in the 90s). She was only allowed to wear jeans and T-shirts, even to weddings, parties and the like. She felt she stood out like a sore thumb.

@rookiemere similar experiences here. My mum actually used to say 'no one is going to look at you!!' Which still hurts.

I know my mum was upset I got dd1 ears pierced. Miraculously no brain cells leaked out of the holes and she is still a high achiever at school!

If you had a son would you be happy for him to play dress up in girls dresses if he asked to? If the answer is yes then YABU to not allow your dd to express herself as girlie and pink if you would be happy for a boy to do the same.

We have a mum at our school who lets her son express himself in girls shoes and dresses and won’t cut his hair which would be fine except she won’t she won’t let her daughter wear a dress up dresses, play with dolls or have long hair.
Now I’ll be honest that does boil my piss tbh as she’s commented before that she doesn’t want her children to be generalised and doesn’t realise she’s treating her children a specific way based on their sex.

My dd has dress up princess stuff because she’s 5 and some days she wants to be a princess, some days she wears her doctor dress up stuff because she wants to be a doctor, some days she thinks she’s a bloody cat and wears a cat onesie.
There’s nothing wrong with a 4 year old child expressing themselves through role play and dress up, there’s nothing wrong with a 4 year old wanting to wear something pink or disneyfied.
There is something wrong with a parent who forces their dd to be a perfect pink princess who focuses on looks and being girlie and there is something wrong with not allowing you dd to wear pink if you would be absolutely fine for a son to the same.

DD is 3, and loves pink, sparkly things. Doesn’t want to be a princess yet but loves being so called girly. Not something we’ve encouraged but has happened from influences at Nursery/preschool etc. Won’t sit still long enough to watch a Disney film but quite likes Moana.

Also likes playing in the mud, drawing, crafting, baking and helping DH with DIY. Likes telling us how strong she is etc.

But I always tell her, every day, that she is beautiful. And I always will. Because if I don’t help build her confidence who will? I want her to look in the mirror and hear my voice in her head telling her that she is beautiful, kind, clever and enough. Because society will do its best to tear her down no matter how she looks and I want to make sure my voice is never the one she hears telling her she isn’t good enough.

I still want to know what's wrong with pink? My dh wears pink, my ds (15) wears pink, I wear pink sometimes too - why is it not ok for dd (15) to wear pink? It's just a bloody colour! When I was at school lots of girls in my class were not allowed to wear black - that was bloody stupid too!

There is nothing wrong with twirly skirts or water-based non toxic peelable "nail varnish" for young kids. She should never feel less of a strong, empowered person just because of her clothes or accessories. Same goes for boys. Clothes do not make a person. Besides, at 3 y/o she may want to be a dinosaur covered in mud next week. x

My 5 year old sometimes wears a tracksuit sometimes wears a tutu one day she wants to be a princess the next day she wants to be a red arrow pilot...... i don't tell her one thing is right & one is wrong she's 5 having fun wether thats in a tutu/leggings/tracksuit or her belle fancy dress!!