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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to discourage “girly” behaviour in 3 year old?

165 replies

Readysetcake · 27/01/2019 10:16

DD is starting to want to wear skirts and dresses, asking to have her nails painted, wanting to be a princess all the time and asking me to marry her etc etc. I’m not “girly” don’t wear make up day to day just nights out not really into clothes and she doesn’t watch Disney yet (scares easily) so not sure where it’s coming from.

It’s not that I have anything again make up and fashion really, I just don’t want her to grow up and thinking that the way she looks is the most important thing and that to be happy she needs a boy friend like I did. I was so miserable as a teenager as I thought I was ugly and because I didn’t have a boyfriend I was worthless. I still struggle with low self esteem and I don’t want that for my girl. I want to give her confidence and her to know that she can do and be anything. If it turns out she wants to be a princess that’s fine but I just don’t want society to dictate that to her. I do t want her to think her value is based on the way she looks which is how the world wants women’s to be it seems. What can I do to raise my girl to be confident and resilient with out enforcing any particular thing?

OP posts:
OhTheRoses · 27/01/2019 11:39

I wasn't allowed to wear pink - not even my nhs specs. I rebelled. When I was a single girl and owned my own house I installded a pink kitchen. When I had my colours done, pink was a key colour.

I longed to indulge my dd. She wasn't into pink and girly so I let her be. Paradoxically although being blonde and blue eyed she suits a different palate than me and looks gorgeous in golds.

I have a successful career (board level). And a pink handbag amongst other things.

There is no correlation between femininity and success.

OMGithurts · 27/01/2019 11:45

Catie Munnings of Catie's Amazing Machines on cbeebies is a rally driver, and presents a programme about monster trucks and diggers etc whilst wearing a rally outfit and pink lipstick and nail polish. All about balance innit.

AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo · 27/01/2019 11:48

Honestly? I'd go with it. She's finding her imagination caught and trying out identities, and possibly reflecting the interests and behaviours of other children she encounters. My 3yo spent a couple of weeks pretending to be a cat. Brilliant, I love cats, we have two at home, all very sweet and adorable. The last few days she's changed to a dog. I really don't like dogs. It feels odd. But I go with it. It's her little world I'm entering into.

I'd draw the line at things that go beyond that territory into 'growing up too soon'. Make-up, for instance (beyond a bit of nail polish), I really wouldn't feel comfortable with.

Talk, in a very ordinary, by-the-by way, about all the different things girls and women can do, the different ways they dress. Refer to examples from your lives and ones you see out and about. Make sure she's physically active and sees you getting outdoors too. And don't spend your life in front of a mirror fretting about your looks.

And show her the episode of Bagpuss about the Frog Princess. Great subversion of the traditional narrative.

nevernotstruggling · 27/01/2019 11:48

@OhTheRoses I love your post. Where I live there is a high level very scary judge who is famous for her love of pink. She is like a tiny princess di with Botox and pearls. You know she's sitting when the barristers have pink cravats on to please her. Somehow her love of pink didn't kill off any brain cells! She is also completely terrifying she has made me cry on occasion (work I'm not on trial).

Cornettoninja · 27/01/2019 11:50

Dd (also 3) isinto the stereotypical girls stuff which I don’t mind, she likes what she likes. She also love dinosaurs, is obsessed with dp’s rugby ball, monsters, craft and building (then destroying) towers. It’s fine. Godzilla in a tutu, that’s my daughter.

This stuff exists, people will like it. As long as you’re nor actively discouraging her from what she does like in favour of girly stuff don’t sweat it. Just keep exposing her to a wide range of things and encouraging what peaks her interest.

Practically, I haven’t let my dd loose on anything like nail varnish or face paint yet (there’s enough to clean up with the play dough and paint!) but I have got her some plastic pretend makeup (and hideous plastic dressing table) and nail stickers which I think is a good compromise.

FridgeFullOfChocolate · 27/01/2019 11:53

Dear mumsnet please help my 4 year old is behaving like a little girl, how can I stop her?

Jesus. I liked girlie things aged 4-8 everything had to be pink, then at 8 I wanted to be a Tom boy and play football etc aged 8-11. Then at 11 I wanted to be girlie again and wore more girlie stuff. Then I grew up and became an adult who likes some things girlie some things not. My mum didn't bat an eyelid at any phase I passed through. I am a normal well adjusted adult. My 3 year old loves all things princess and PINK. Fine by me.

Let children be children and stop getting hung up over nothing.

EatingElephantsisCF · 27/01/2019 11:53

Let her be who she wants to be . If a boy , I would say the same.

SluggishSnail · 27/01/2019 11:55

My 8 year old adores clothes and having her hair and nails done and a little bit of makeup.

She also climbs trees, is top of the class is maths and science and wants to be an inventor or a scientists.

@Glen
Since when was being a scientist a contrast to wearing make up? It's really not a 'male' career

SluggishSnail · 27/01/2019 11:57

There is no correlation between femininity and success.

This.

quarterpast · 27/01/2019 11:59

I had a mother who squashed out of me any attempts to like girly things. She wanted a boy and told me so. She is not feminine at all and believes that her identity should extend to me. I still resent her for it now.

I am very academic with lots of qualifications so the need to express my femininity has not impacted how successful I am as an individual.

I have lots of kids and would never try to stop my DD from wearing pink if she wanted to. God identity is so much deeper than that superficial stuff. Your handling of your daughters need to express herself however that may be is much more important.

Our children are individuals and it is right and fair that we do not try to overshadow this with our own preconceptions.

Ribbonsonabox · 27/01/2019 12:01

Of course YABU you are adding to the thought that girly things are stupid and silly if you try and repress that. Like pp are saying you teach your child that wearing a dress, being a princess, liking glitter do not make you stupid or prevent you from being ambitious, successful and creative.
My little boy loves glitter nail varnish! And he loves traditionally masculine stuff like monster trucks and football.... but if I prevented him from expressing his like for something I'd be teaching him that that things is less than another thing.... which in turn might lead him to view people who like that thing as less than him.

nevernotstruggling · 27/01/2019 12:02

I have 2 dds. We talk a lot about female role models and the amazing jobs lots of women we know do - police Officer, nurse, paramedic, teacher, social worker, marine biologists, geologists, milliner. They know the score.

3 year olds play dress up. It's when you see make up on 9 year olds at parties you want to worry

CaveMum · 27/01/2019 12:02

Use the “A Mighty Girl” website for inspiration: loads of great books that you can read/look at with your daughter that will help both of you to let her be who she is, be it “girly” or “tomboy” or whatever label people want to stick on it.

www.amightygirl.com

Livpool · 27/01/2019 12:06

I was very girly from a young age - make up, princesses etc. And at 38 I still am into make up and stereotypical 'girl' things. I was always encouraged to be myself and my mum is the total opposite; lives in jeans and no make up.

I also work in IT, which is still quite male-dominated and love science fiction.

Let children be who they want to be. Whatever that is

ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule · 27/01/2019 12:09

Just don't teach her that her looks are the most important thing. I wouldn't discourage her from wanting to play with clothes or pretty make-up colours any more than I would my sons. You can believe your value isn't in your looks while still liking nail polish and skirts. It's self-expression, which is super important. I don't judge the women I know who are massively into fashion and/or make-up, and they don't judge me for massively not being into fashion. Though I do like nice make-up ☺️

MyFriendGoo5 · 27/01/2019 12:10

We seem to have entered some sort of strange universe where sparkly pink boys who wear dresses are lauded but girls aren't.allowed to anymore..........it's only dress up and fun. Leave her to it.

Waitrosenkavelier · 27/01/2019 12:11

As a child and teenager I was discouraged away from make up and being overtly feminine. Not for any ideological reasons, I think I was a Tomboy when I was very young and this continued into older childhood.

I’m fine now but I always felt embarrassed to wear make up, or dress in a girly way, even though I really wanted to. I felt that I was not the ‘right’ sort of girl who could have nice hair, or clothes that I really wanted.

Thankfully, I had enough innate confidence to see me through this, but it did make me feel that I was never attractive enough. The reality was that I was OK looking, but perhaps I was a little too grateful in some instances for people actually finding me vaguely attractive, which is not healthy.

So, my point is, we should teach our girls to aim high, and be whatever they want. We should also teach them that being female is to be celebrated and you should never feel embarrassed to express yourself, whether you want to be a goth or a princess. Or indeed a goth princess.

planespotting · 27/01/2019 12:11

Since when was being a scientist a contrast to wearing make up? It's really not a 'male' career
It shouldn't be but unfortunately is hard for us women in science. It is pretty much still seen as a white male on his 50s wearing a lab coat Sad

Siameasy · 27/01/2019 12:12

I initially rolled eyes at my DDs love of all things girly. I was a tomboy and wanted to be George out of the famous five. I’m still like that.

I realised it was conditioning to think that “feminine” pursuits are silly and inferior. I now just leave her to it. I suppose it’s cos we think princesses are vacuous and you could always talk about modern princesses and what they do (I got mine an old Ladybird book about Lady Di lol)

boilingstormyseas · 27/01/2019 12:17

Stop overthinking and being controlling. If she wants to wear a sparkly dress, etc, etc, then let her. It will not affect her long term career prospects. Just bring her up to be confident in what she wants to do. DD is now in her mid-20s and is very successful in a large city company. Yet when she was 4 she loved her fairy outfits, tutus and feather boas. Just let them enjoy it.

Loyaultemelie · 27/01/2019 12:20

My 3 year old has more shoes and handbags than I do and regularly marries her big sister (until they fall out) she also jumps in the mud collects tractors and wants to farm I wouldn't worry just let her find balance.

user1471590586 · 27/01/2019 12:23

My daughter liked Princess things at that age but she also later got into Star Wars. I wouldn't worry about it, just give her access to a range of toys and activities. Let her watch Princess Disney films and also Marvel films. My kids love sci-fi, I must have brainwashed them.Smile

Jaxhog · 27/01/2019 12:25

Teach her she can be a princess if she wants, but teach her she can be an astronaut as well
Absolutely. But nail varnish probably isn't a good idea. Encourage her to be a go getting, smart and independent Princess.

corythatwas · 27/01/2019 12:26

*I initially rolled eyes at my DDs love of all things girly. I was a tomboy and wanted to be George out of the famous five. I’m still like that.

I realised it was conditioning to think that “feminine” pursuits are silly and inferior*

This, THIS, a hundred times THIS!!!

I was another tomboy and I didn't really grow out of that "feminine pursuits are inferior"-attitude until I was educated by my own intelligent, vocal, ultra-feminist, lipstick-and-mascara-wearing daughter.

Now I can see it for what it is: it is the automatic assumption that anything that boys do is ipso facto more worthy- until girls start doing it instead and then we will have to grab onto something else to admire.

For a long time there was an assumption that the academic humanities were only suitable for boys as girls didn't have the brains to learn Latin and history and all that sort of stuff. Biology and botany might just be ok for girls as that didn't require you to be so clever.
Then humanities became a "girly" subject- and consequently considered less intellectually stringent.

Men used to be chefs in the olden days- clearly something as responsible as cooking for his lordship could only be managed by the male brain. Then people started employing women (because they were cheaper)- bingo! cooking is a girlie thing! (unless you're a French chef: Frogs aren't really proper men, anyway).

In the 17th and 18th century, men (the kind of man who might be leading an army on the battlefield) wore makeup and enough lace to smother a battalion. In the 19th century, fashions changed- and now we are convinced that wearing lipstick somehow makes you incapable of leading the country or finding a cure for cancer. Because girls wear it.

if I prevented him from expressing his like for something I'd be teaching him that that things is less than another thing.... which in turn might lead him to view people who like that thing as less than him.

THIS.

WunderBlah · 27/01/2019 12:27

There is no such thing as boy stuff and girl stuff, just let kids be kids!

Stop buying into the marketing hype, there lies the path to madness.

Children role play, they want to try on for size what they see. All children should be allowed to play in the dress up box, pull things apart and rebuild to see how it works, have a bash at new instruments, understand nature, learn about role models of both sexes.

If a child becomes hung up on looks and you want to redirect then tell them they look clever or kind or adventurous instead of using words like pretty.

The only essential facts they need about the difference between men and women is biology and how babies are made and that sex is immutable, this is the cause of confusion in children and teenagers now and the only bit you need to be consistently firm and direct about without hesitation or vagueness.

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