...to NOT want future SIL to bring her (ex) boyf who she may get back with to my wedding...?

[katylui1]

OK, Ill try and keep it brief. To try and avoid any of the politics and bitching I have seen with so many weddings, I am planning a really small intimate but beauftiful wedding in 7 weeks. Trying desperately not to get too stressed but just about ready to pack it all in.
There are 14 adults going and 6 children (that includes bride and groom!) and we have asked everyone to contribute to the day instead of buying gifts. In laws jobs are miniscule (my side are busy making cakes, booking dates, training to be a photographer!) and his are looking after the confetti and bringing some toys for the kids and it would seem I had asked them for don orange suits and do some community service.
Anyway, (i could go for hours) we have already had to pussyfoot around my younger (24) future SIL as she is currently single and as it is so small it would be wierd to add an +1 and have a stranger there. All 3 other single people are on my side and got it straight away, no fuss, just want to support me. So it is now all booked and V expensive and she asks if she can bring her ex. I was gobsmacked, she offered to pay for him and the older future SIL piped up with Im inviting him to my (180 guest) wedding in a year whether your with him or not. I muttered something about...well if thats what you want and then had to listen to an hour of I really want him there, its important to me.
At no point has she asked what I want for my day but keeps blabbing on about what she wants, but I feel so pressured and intimidated. The fact that they both did it together and without their brother (my fiance) there. Im so mad but I dont know how to say no now, but this is just one perfect day for me (believe me, we have had so much heartache that this day is so needed). Any thoughts?

God, organising a wedding feels like being pregnant - crying and stressing all the time!

You have allowed her to dictate terms and i think that is really sad - especially as you actually apologised (dont understand why) and she all but threw it in your face. Your a better person than me katylui as I wouldnt have given her the chance. Sorry if i sound harsh, but this winds me up so much how the creaking door gets the most oil (attention)
Hope you dont regret things in the future, after all the work you have put in xx

Katy .... I am so, so sorry that it's come to this for you. I do understand why you might feel reluctant to go ahead when there could well be bad feeling around. Damn that stupid, immature, selfish spoilt little cow .... I totally refuse to accept that such an intimate affair (with her sister and mother in attendance FFS) would be the dreadful ordeal she's trying to make it out to be.

How appalling she must be to have made this all about HER ..... how SHE'D feel, what SHE wants etc ..... as opposed to respecting the not unreasonable wishes of the bride and groom. To slag you and your family off as well is pathetic and nasty. The bloody mother - by the sounds of her reaction - has dragged up a self centred little bitch and her own response is pretty telling. Obviously, she also thinks the day should revolve around Princess Brat too.

I am very relieved that you & DP are still okay together and that this hasn't driven a wedge between you. He obviously seems to have the measure of his family. I really don't know what else to say to you ..... all your plans, all your expectations of the day down the drain like that. Please don't let his family put you off getting married in the longer term. Maybe you'll have to celebrate your wedding day in a different way (I don't mean by inviting deadbeat ex's or spoilt baby SILs BTW) and at a different time to how you originally imagined it, but why should that wretched little bitch prevent you both from making that commitment to each other.

Perhaps DP should consider writing to his family (so he doesn't get shouted down or insulted face to face) expressing his extreme disappointment at their inability to be gracious and happy for him marrying the woman he loves, making it clear that the plans you'd both made were exactly what he wanted and had been eagerly looking forward to. In other words, leaving them in no doubt that like it or not, you're the number one woman in his life now.

I really really hope your wedding won't be too far away. How dare they behave like this ?

I almost wrote that you should go ahead as planned but without his family there ...... thus being confident that all the remaining guests would be genuinely happy for you .... but I appreciate DP might consider that too confrontational.

OMG have just read the whole thread,

i hope she doesnt thin k you called it off because of her actions.......

could you and dp go abraod and tie the knot just you 2

hope this works out well for you

for you.
xx

Thank you CM. TBH I think neither of us are surprised at all. They have offered 1/2 an ounce of help over the last few year (MIL held the wake for my daughter after she was still born...to be followed up a week later with a drunken row and 'youre bloody lucky you got that, in my day shed have been thrown in the incinerator'). They are pretty appalling, but, family is family and I would rather brush it under the carpet than get bogged down in it. This particular SIL has spent her life being told how beautiful she is because she is, very, yet her older sister who is equally beautiful in an interesting way was driven to cosmetic surgery because of her low self esteem. I dont think Ive ever heard anyone offer her a compliment at all.
I can ignore it every other day of my life because I just think "Well Id never do that so that makes me happier to be me", but this 1 day I cant so Id rather it didnt happen. I love DF totally and therefore I have to accept his family, which I do. He has offered to have the wedding with just my family as it is Id like to have Dad give me away etc but that just doesnt feel right.

OMG ..... what a disgusting, dreadful thing to say about your daughter.

God Katy, if you are able to "forgive" (for the sake of appearances and keeping the peace, I'm sure you haven't really forgiven it) the vile bitch for stooping so low then you must be a saint and love your DP very much. I don't think I could have been so gracious.

That snippet makes their behaviour over your wedding even more appalling. Perhaps there comes a time when "enough is enough" ?? It's one thing to try and accommodate DP's (revolting) family for his sake, but I wonder how many more times you (and he) will be incredibly hurt at their hands. Can you really see yourself taking all their sh*t forever more ...... I would worry that that would either eventually drive a wedge between us, or drive one or both of you to a nervous breakdown / depression etc. I know families are strange things but you can't always be the ones doing all the giving, it'll drive you mad and make you very unhappy.

You've been remarkably tolerant and considerate up until now (all things considered) but they are taking the p*ss.

'youre bloody lucky you got that, in my day shed have been thrown in the incinerator'
katylui you are an incredibly nice person to even see them again after that. I'm in shock anyone would say that

Hence why we are moving 400 mile away! I havent forgiven any of it - still remember it very clearly - but I will sweep it under the carpet, smile sweetly when requested to and go about my business knowing I am worth a hundred of them!

I could tell you sooo many more stories, but this ones a gem - MIL got married last year and we all had to go up to Scotland for a week - nobody wanted to and everyone rowed constantly, it was awful. My 6 yo DS (DPs stepson) found the stress really hard especially as no provsion was made for him - he didn't even have a bed, it was like they'd forgotten he existed. I hoped the 'event' would make it up to him and he'd have a great time but then, when all the photos were taken, he was excluded from every one despite DP asking each time saying, he's my son, he should be in the photo (other 'real' grandchildren were in them). He was really upset and totally noticed it. So I made sure he got into all the big family ones and told him to pull a face, he did every time and as a consequence, he is all you look at in those photos!!!! See, I'm so much better than them!!!

Brilliant! lol

I am stunned - I cannot believe that first sil wanted to dictate the guest list, then in laws presumed to know what your fiance wanted.

I would go to the registry office and get married and then perhaps meet your family for a dinner celebration. Then when you have your big party that you are planning when you move - announce it to the guests!! That way - you are married - goal of a wedding, without the stress and no one can moan about what they want or not want.

What a shame to call off something you had planned because of someone else's infantile behaviour. That - i'm not coming if she/he is not coming is childish.

then if you wanted to ahve your dad give you away etc - it could be a 'blessing' or some sort of ceremony - including your children - about the formation of a family and you could have what you planned BUT no stress about it being a 'wedding' as such. iyswim.

you are a far bigger person than I am and I really admire you, there is no way I could act the way you have especially with the history.

I agree with Catsmother a letter often gets the message across far more effectively than trying to talk to someone who just cannot see your point of view.

I love my brother and respect my brother enough to go on my own in a bikini (and trust me that would be a very scary sight) in front of 1000 people I dont know on my own to see him marry the woman he loves.

the old saying 'you can choose your friends but you cant choose your family' is so true

Tbh, I would go ahead with those people who are happy to support you in the wedding you want.

If you don't, you are laying yourselves open to emotional blackmail for the rest of your lives. Perhaps it needs someone to stand up to this beautiful selfish immature child for her to realise that the world doesn't revolve around her and that other people's wishes have as much value as do hers.

You say now that you only want to get married if everyone is happy for you. Well, it sounds like your DF's family will only ever be happy if everything is done to their liking. What happens if they don't think you should have another child, or disagree with the choice of school you may make? Are you just not going to go ahead for the sake of keeping the peace??

Issue your invitations, note who is accepting and go ahead. You will enjoy the day and those who are too self-centred to celebrate with you will miss out.

what freckle said!!!!

Well, it sounds like your DF's family will only ever be happy if everything is done to their liking.

Crikey yes, so true, hadn't even considered that. Although I guess I'd hoped that for the rest of our lives we could be a bit more removed but its not true is it? Thinking about this has made me fast forward a few years to when my kids are adults and they decide to intefere at every opportunity or heaven forbid DP is incapable of making decisions and its left to me...and they put their 200penneth worth in.

Aaaah!! Lots to think about...feeling quite lonely over all this...

go ahead with the wedding. It's madness not to. Invite who you want, stick to that. who comes, comes, who doesn't it's their loss. If you cancel becasue of her she'll see the power you have given her over you. You don't have to give her that power.

katy, if it were me, I'd spend the money I would have spent on the wedding , going abroad, to a Caribbean Island, or somewhere. Have a lovely romantic wedding, with your son as best man/ pageboy/ giver-away, and have a great holiday, and sod the lot of them.

I think your family would understand- you could always have a blessing service, or reaffirmation of vows, on your return.

If your MIL really doesn't like you (which it seems is the case), then she has won a small victory by you cancelling the wedding- don't give her that, get married without her there.

So sorry about the mess. I think this is the site you need

Oh Katy - am so sorry at the way this is turning out, been following this thread hoping it would resolve itself! I too had family politics when i married DH - wont go into it, but we ended up getting married in Whistler, just the 2 of us (already had ski trip booked) and planned the wedding in 6 weeks! Had a huge party with friends when we got back and by then my family had come round so had lovely blessing with family in the end too!

I know going away for some people isnt the answer; but I look back on my wedding day with such happy happy memories - we were in our happy bubble and it was amazing. If i had to do it all again - I wouldnt change a thing!

I really hope this resolves itself and you dont call off the wedding! Please don't!

From the info you've been giving, his family really do sound unspeakable.

Please don't let people like this affect your life. Get married anyway! Why on earth cancel your own wedding because of this! Your partner has already said he's happy to do it just with your side. Go for it!

He's gone off to try and resolve with his mum. The sister has declared that we are unbelievably selfish and she doesnt want anything to do with us...she says that virtually every week to someone or other! Was kind of hoping that their mum would see sense and tell her just to grow up and deal with it for 1 day, but she absolutely agrees with her!

So, so wish I'd just given in, I know it is very doormat-ish but I just didnt realise she'd take it this far. I think the days of smiling sweetly at them are far behind me. They can sod off now and I will be pointedley removed from family affairs now I think. They are bullies and I don't want to be around them. The have bullied many people in the past and I have just looked on in horror, but no more. The ironic thing is that if I dont organise to see them, we never would. MIL has visited our 1 yo DD 3 times!!!

I'll let you know how the 'meeting' goes...

Hey, further down the thread I suggested being reasonable and letting her bring who she wants.

However, having read your posts since (particularly the incinerator comment,) I now admit I was completely and utterly wrong. They are clearly a bunch of sad, bitter bullies and if I were you I'd just bugger off and get married on a beach. Good for you.

Oooh and have to add this brilliant line about her ex (have I mentioned shes been apart from him for 8 months and they have now sold their flat very acrimoniously?)

Her justification for wanting him their even though its only family "I've known him for 4 years, We all knew him before you met her (me) He has way more right to be there than her"

Sorry, forgot that I needed a right to be at my own wedding.

FFS Katy - that remark really is the icing on the cake. Is she a bit simple or something, does she believe the wedding could go ahead without you ?!?

You said you wished you'd given in (understandable, because none of this is nice) but the thing is, that would have been a short term gain (i.e. no whingeing about your wedding) for almost certainly long term pain (i.e. Princess Brat and Queen Blinkered chucking their weight around again in the future).

What's happened will hopefully be short term pain for long term gain - far better IMO. If DP manages to talk his mother round then fine (well, fine-ish, given what a bitch she's been) but if he doesn't he doesn't, and as you say, they can sod off. It's not like you'd be losing much (though I appreciate a rift might have wider implications for DP). I hope you will then go ahead with your wedding secure in the knowledge that everyone there helping you celebrate is there because they genuinely care about you and want you to be happy.