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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to NOT want future SIL to bring her (ex) boyf who she may get back with to my wedding...?

154 replies

katylui1 · 02/07/2007 12:40

OK, Ill try and keep it brief. To try and avoid any of the politics and bitching I have seen with so many weddings, I am planning a really small intimate but beauftiful wedding in 7 weeks. Trying desperately not to get too stressed but just about ready to pack it all in.
There are 14 adults going and 6 children (that includes bride and groom!) and we have asked everyone to contribute to the day instead of buying gifts. In laws jobs are miniscule (my side are busy making cakes, booking dates, training to be a photographer!) and his are looking after the confetti and bringing some toys for the kids and it would seem I had asked them for don orange suits and do some community service.
Anyway, (i could go for hours) we have already had to pussyfoot around my younger (24) future SIL as she is currently single and as it is so small it would be wierd to add an +1 and have a stranger there. All 3 other single people are on my side and got it straight away, no fuss, just want to support me. So it is now all booked and V expensive and she asks if she can bring her ex. I was gobsmacked, she offered to pay for him and the older future SIL piped up with Im inviting him to my (180 guest) wedding in a year whether your with him or not. I muttered something about...well if thats what you want and then had to listen to an hour of I really want him there, its important to me.
At no point has she asked what I want for my day but keeps blabbing on about what she wants, but I feel so pressured and intimidated. The fact that they both did it together and without their brother (my fiance) there. Im so mad but I dont know how to say no now, but this is just one perfect day for me (believe me, we have had so much heartache that this day is so needed). Any thoughts?

God, organising a wedding feels like being pregnant - crying and stressing all the time!

OP posts:

HonoriaGlossop · 05/07/2007 10:25

oh and good post, morningpaper.

krang · 05/07/2007 10:31

I'm kind of in agreement with morningpaper here. Weddings are for families, not just for brides. And if you want any day to be 'perfect' you are setting yourself up for a fall.

For example: I didn't particularly want my SIL to be a bridesmaid at my wedding. I just wanted my sisters (of which I have three, so plenty for a small venue!)

SIL was very upset. So I said yes, all right, whatever. And you know what? It was fine. It made no difference to the day - in fact, it made it better. Is it really worth having a big battle over? You're not being a pushover or a doormat. You're making a nice compromise. I know that thinking about weddings can sometimes take over your life and you lose a sense of proportion but ask yourself: what harm will it do to have him there, really?

ernest · 05/07/2007 10:59

Surely orgnising a wedding is as stressful as you want it to be? I had about 50 to mine, I don't remember any stress. I just organised it. I didn't want a big flashy trad car, mum did. I sort of wanted to wander down Lacender Hill in my finery - church was 5 minutes walk from my house. I still wish I had, but mum wanted tohe car so I went along with it for her. Who cares? Putting too much emphasis on the day being 'perfect' is a sure recipe for stress. YOu can have as big or small a wedding as you want and it can be a stressful or stressfree as you want.

BAsically, she was cheeky to ask. But she has asked. YOu either say yes, or no. But as others have said , this is 1 day, much of which will be forgotten. No matter how big it seems right now. But your sil will always be there.

maisemor · 05/07/2007 11:06

Have you asked her why she wants HIM to come as her date. If it was somebody else, like her best friend would that be okay?

You could tell her that in future she is setting her self up for an automatic no if she ambushes and corners you like that again.

Invite her over for dinner one night just you, her and your husband and talk it over and try to reach a compromise (for example her inviting her best friend, or she will owe you 20 babysitting duties if she brings HIM).

Please do tell her why you are inviting her over though so she does not get the same feeling of being "attacked" like you did.

Caroline1852 · 05/07/2007 11:46

Weddings should really be quite solemn and serious occasions and the party/wedding breakfast afterwards an absolute celebration shared by their invited guests. I would have thought it was good manners to invite a single person and a guest in any case (unless the invitee is a minor).

SofiaAmes · 05/07/2007 17:45

Sorry, have to disagree....don't see why a wedding has to be a solemn and serious occasion. Surely a wedding becomes a reflection of the couple, their relationship and their friends and family. There is more than one right way to do a wedding. And there is certainly no wrong way to do a wedding.

krang · 05/07/2007 19:14

Hee hee. Our wedding was totally unserious. One guy, I remember, fell asleep in a hedge. He got a great laugh when he wandered in during dinner.

Califrau · 05/07/2007 19:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

agnesnitt · 05/07/2007 22:52

Actually a wedding is nothing more than a bond between two people, so the family are utterly irrelevant.

On a personal level I think the concept of marriage is hyped too much at the minute, and very few people seem to understand that all it is is a legal contract between two people. Families were only ever involved because of the monetary issues and churches became involved because of 'societal control' issues.

Marriage is, has always been and should be about the two people making the vows. They are the people who have to live with them and if that means Auntie Mabel and somebody's sister in law get their knickers in a twist then so be it.

Agnes

Fossil · 05/07/2007 23:03

My stepson brought his girlfriend, even though she wasn't actually invited. Fortunately somebody else had dropped out so it didn't change the numbers, except she was a vegetarian. I can't remember what we did about that. Anyway, they split up ages ago, but there she is right in the middle of most of my wedding photos.

Fossil · 05/07/2007 23:05

On the other hand, I didn't invite my aunt and uncle because then I would have had to invite all their extended family, which would have doubled the numbers (and whose weddings I had been too - still feel guilty about that one). I hadn't seen my aunt for about 10 years, then she died a year after the wedding, so I never got to see her ever again.

SofiaAmes · 06/07/2007 04:03

I look great in the photos from my first wedding, except my damn ex-husband is next to me in all of them.

babyblue2 · 06/07/2007 07:33

I agree with those in favour of letting him come. Presumably if they were still together he would've been invited? At 24, people can still be quite selfish and not mature enough to respect other people's feelings. Those who say that its not worth the stress are right IMO as are the people who say that once the honeymoon's over you tend not to care anymore about whether an extra guest turned up. If it has been made clear to her that you would prefer him not to turn up (for the reasons you have) and she still wishes him to come then I think you should just let him.

Electroma · 06/07/2007 08:07

babyblue - sorry - total nonsense.

I am 24 and I am certainly not 'selfish and not mature enough to respect other people's feelings'

Katylui - You are SO not being unreasonable. if it was a large wedding, yes, you would be, for some of the reasons stated already (she might feel lonely, left out, its hard being single etc etc) BUT, for a small and intimate wedding that you are having, it is wholly innappropriate for SIL to expect to bring a partner.

I assume you are having a party at some point for all the people who are not attending the wedding? Make it very clear that he is more than welcome (him, and the stolen pedals!!) to that, but the wedding is really only for close people who you and DF know well. This blatantly does not include him.

I hope things work out, so much for 'small means stressfree'!

Elasticwoman · 06/07/2007 08:37

It is very unfortunate for a young person to lose their father, but no excuse to expect to nominate guests for some one else's social event, especially if a small gathering.

It may be a long time since I was 24 but it is not infancy, it is adulthood.

babyblue2 · 06/07/2007 08:49

I didn't say ALL 24 yr olds. Sorry if you took offence. I know 24 yr olds who are as I described.

babyblue2 · 06/07/2007 08:50

hmm re-reading my post, perhaps that wasn't clear. It was meant to be.

maisemor · 06/07/2007 08:58

I just don't understand how anybody can tell her and her future hubby who they should and should not invite. Where does it stop?

Does his family then get to dictate who they invite to ALL future parties as well? Dinner parties? birthday parties? Their children's parties? etc.

It's just not on. Either accept the invitation gracefully or decline and sit at home sulking if that is what you want.

Electroma · 06/07/2007 09:44

Fair enough babyblue, I understand.

For the record, I know 34 year olds who are selfish and not mature enough to respect other people's feelings.. and 14 year olds who are.

I don't think the SIL's age is relevant whatsoever.

Bouquetsofdynomite · 06/07/2007 10:18

Yay Maisiemor, if you lie on the floor you get walked on!

helenhismadwife · 06/07/2007 16:17

IMO a wedding is about two people, the same as a marriage is (or should be) the bride and groom so their needs and wants are what matters nobody elses.

SIL is being selfish and self centred its your and your df day do what you want.

of you could do what me and dh did, go to the registery office with two witnesses and our dd then tell everyone after the deed is done

Original poster

katylui1 · 07/07/2007 22:29

OK so he did the deed...it went like this...
-Weve talked about it and we really dont think it would feel right if hes there
-Why?
-Because it is so intimate, there are only 12 guests and each one of them we know and love. This is hard for DF because of the last few years and we both just want something really beautiful and intimate. Were having a big bash once we move and of course hell be welcome.
-But hes been in the family for 4 years
-I know, but we just dont understand your motivation I mean are you actually getting back with him? (stupid, stupid, stupid thing to say)
-I can't believe youre asking me that
-Its just we dont understand why you want him there
-Ive already been to 1 wedding this year on my own (200 guest affair and with her mum) and it was horrible, I dont want to do it again (she then went on to slag off all the other single people, my family, although I was spared the detail of that!). Youre talking to me like an employee, I cant believe youre doing this to me, I know she (me) didnt want me to, I could see it in her face
-Why did you keep on about it then?
-Its fine, Im not coming. F Off!

So, given that his daughter is already not coming as her mum is being awful, I said that it was too much to do it without his sister (he was all ready to, said he couldnt care less if she came or not) and we backed right down, apologized, grovelled and said he could come. The response?
-I accept your apology and thank you for it however you have made it too uncomfortable for me to come. See you on Sunday when we will pretend it hasnt happened (he is helping her to move on Sunday!!)

So, that went well then! I have to say, I have been sooo clear all the way through that all I want for perfection is for everyone to be happy for us. I couldnt give a monkeys about cakes or cars (my SIL on my side is making a Nemo cake and my nieces & nephews are decorating it!!) or any of that. Just no nastiness. SO Ive called it off, I just cant walk into that room knowing that people are muttering and being mean. Since all this his mum has come out of the woodwork spouting dissaproval of the way weve done it and accused DF of rolling over and doing it all my way. Apparently she knows DF wanted an enormous wedding (he didnt). So . Dont think theres any salvaging it really??

OP posts:

Original poster

katylui1 · 07/07/2007 22:31

PS DF and I are fine - well just carry on as we were without the piece of paper. Maybe Ill change my name by deed poll??

OP posts:

ernest · 07/07/2007 22:32

Did I understand that right? You've cancelled your wedding?

Original poster

katylui1 · 07/07/2007 22:33

Well yeah, I know it sounds extreme, but it was the one thing I wanted. I really couldnt care about anything else, just wanted people to be happy for us, for 1 day.

OP posts:

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