...to NOT want future SIL to bring her (ex) boyf who she may get back with to my wedding...?

[katylui1]

OK, Ill try and keep it brief. To try and avoid any of the politics and bitching I have seen with so many weddings, I am planning a really small intimate but beauftiful wedding in 7 weeks. Trying desperately not to get too stressed but just about ready to pack it all in.
There are 14 adults going and 6 children (that includes bride and groom!) and we have asked everyone to contribute to the day instead of buying gifts. In laws jobs are miniscule (my side are busy making cakes, booking dates, training to be a photographer!) and his are looking after the confetti and bringing some toys for the kids and it would seem I had asked them for don orange suits and do some community service.
Anyway, (i could go for hours) we have already had to pussyfoot around my younger (24) future SIL as she is currently single and as it is so small it would be wierd to add an +1 and have a stranger there. All 3 other single people are on my side and got it straight away, no fuss, just want to support me. So it is now all booked and V expensive and she asks if she can bring her ex. I was gobsmacked, she offered to pay for him and the older future SIL piped up with Im inviting him to my (180 guest) wedding in a year whether your with him or not. I muttered something about...well if thats what you want and then had to listen to an hour of I really want him there, its important to me.
At no point has she asked what I want for my day but keeps blabbing on about what she wants, but I feel so pressured and intimidated. The fact that they both did it together and without their brother (my fiance) there. Im so mad but I dont know how to say no now, but this is just one perfect day for me (believe me, we have had so much heartache that this day is so needed). Any thoughts?

God, organising a wedding feels like being pregnant - crying and stressing all the time!

The way I understood it though was that they both (bride and groom to be) agreed on a small family wedding, and that she would only get an invitation for her and not her + 1.

So they do both agree that she should not bring a guest, whether it being the love of her life, her ex, someone she has just picked up from the street, or whoever she can think of.

I completely understand about wanting a small wedding. However, as someone pointed out, it might be worth considering just saying yes to keep the peace. Your future sil may be unreasonable, but you will have to deal with her unreasonableness for the rest of your life (hopefully), so may be worth not creating a rift right in the beginning. And then you can tell yourself in your mind that you were the gracious one.
I am very very close to my cousins on one side of the family. We all grew up together and now our kids are growing up together. One of these cousins decided that he wanted a small initimate wedding with just his "immediate" family. So his and his wife's siblings and parents were invited but no one else. I and another cousin who actually spent some of her childhood living in their home were not invited. I thought it was all a bit ridiculous, but the other cousin was terribly hurt and her relationship with the family has never been the same. There was really no reason why my cousin couldn't have also invite me and my other cousin to the wedding based on our closeness to the family rather than our precise blood relationship.
I think all of this is to say that sometimes it's hard to remember the important part of all of this which is that you are marrying the man you love and having a party to celebrate that union. If one more or one less attends or the cake is a little squished or a baby cries or the photographs cut off everyone's head, it doesn't matter, as you will still be getting married to the man you love.

He needs to know right from the start that you expect to be more important than, and come before his sisters, no matter the background.
If he is like this now, then he will always be unless you make him see that you wont have it that way. Same goes for controlling mil's.

Sofia, her wants and needs need to come before the sisters, even if she were engaged to him, she has not been invited to bring him.
Why should she back down??

You are not being unreasonable but I still agree with SA. Life is too short and this is too happy an occasion to sweat the small stuff.

I had a really small wedding as well, in a foreign country. had a wedding coordinator who didn't even show up even tho she had repeatedly told me she would be there, including on the day of! She switched out photographers on me too, and the bouquets weren't right and the reception was supposed to be here but was moved there... And it was still the most perfect day of my life. I married the most wonderful man on the planet and now we've just celebrated our first anniversary and who can even remember what happened at the wedding? We said I do, that's the part that matters.

HTH

My only regret in life (so far, I'm only 30) is not having married DH in private, just the two of us and a registrar (or Elvis impersonator). Would have been so much more us than the 'big show.'

She should back down, not because the sil is right, but because she isn't just marrying the man, she's joining his family (and he's joining hers) and part of that joining is figuring out how to make the dynamics work in a way that doesn't cause a competition for affection between a wife and a sister. This will make for a much nicer wedding and a much nicer life.

SofiaAmes

Katylui1 SIL to be is not asking to bring her boyfreind it an ex boyfreind.

It would be different if they were together then i would say she is being unreasonable, but not in this case.

When we got married we had a few probelms with different things DH Mum wanted, but we just stuck to our guns repeating the same thing "It is our wedding and we are paying for it and we will be having what we have decided on". She finally got the message.

So just to keep the peace, the SIL should be allowed to dictate who comes to the wedding? Perhaps she should also be allowed to decide on the decor of their house and the names of any future children .

You just don't presume to have a say on who is invited to some one else's social event. End of.

Try reminding her that it won't be like her wedding where the numbers are such that you could bring a whole troop of unknown gatecrashers and they wouldn't be noticed.

The thing is, if SIL is given in to over this, where will it end ?

This isn't an actual boyfriend, nor another univited member of DH to be's family who may not be close on the family tree itself, but close emotionally. This is an ex boyfriend. Why on earth is SIL asking him to come anyway ?

Unless she is incredibly thick skinned, I can't believe that she doesn't know she's being rude by putting Katy on the spot like this. I actually think she's employing a fair bit of emotional blackmail here, relying on the probability that Katy won't want to upset her fiance. And if Katy agrees for the sake of "family harmony" now, will it always be like this ? Will she also be causing ructions at future family events, like christenings or Christmas ?

Many families have one or two particular members who always end up getting their own way because everyone else is too scared to remonstrate with them. They make an art form out of putting others on the spot, or manipulating arrangements to suit them. When things don't go their way, they then have a swooning fit. My ex MIL was like this, and it was ridiculous. What ends up happening is that every single family get together is always geared towards not upsetting that one person, and likely as not, the sort of person who makes selfish demands like this very often also expects to be the centre of attention at all times. Family occasions then become events to be dreaded, not enjoyed.

Katy - what's happening ?

why not though?
has he 2 heads.
say yes. all happy. one stressful thing knocked off list.

All happy except the bride it would seem.

Sorry, I've been away dress shopping!! Fruitless unfortunately.

Thanks for all this advice - actually quite glad to hear alternative views although I want to throw the computer out of the window now!

I think I am being a bit unreasonable by forcing the issue - the whole point is stress free and I am getting stressed about everything (we are also selling & buying 2 cars and moving to leeds in the next 2 months!!) BUT this is an ex, who she doesn't really like and I think the bit that I REALLY object to was being cornered and given no other choice - the other sister was their too with a well rehearsed back up line and all out of earshot of DF. Smacks of bullying to me.
DF doesn't want him their except to get back his bike pedals that he stole (?!) although agrees that it's not really apprpriate on that day! ALTHOUGH he can't stand up to his sisters. MIL will get involved soon Im sure. I do want to be part of his family and isn't THAT the point - I am part of, not the doormat of...

sil trying to get in ex's good books.
strange thing to do.. obviously wants to use it as opportunity to get back with him.

Weddings can be shite when you are single. SIL obviously has reasons for wanting someone there - sounds like she has issoos. If she is really uncomfortable being there feeling 'single' then let her bring someone so that she doesn't feel excluded and lonely.

Your DP seems to want her to bring him - TBH I don't understand why your wishes are over-riding your DP's?

MP - it's not about SIL's feelings. She has been invited. She can either accept the invitation or turn it down. If she doesn't like weddings because she is single, that's her problem and not an excuse to bully Katy. And it's a pathetic reason to not like weddings, smacking of envy and smallmindedness.

It reminds me of a cousin of mine who didn't come to my dad's funeral, even though he had known my dad longer than any other living person (over 70 years). He probably just didn't like funerals, as he is quite old. But at least he didn't demand that we re-hash the service to suit him!

I really feel for Katie here, and don't think it's a question of her wishes overriding her fiances.

Presumably both Katie & her fiance sat down and decided exactly who they both wanted to come to their very small and intimate wedding. I'd be very surprised if at that point DH to be had bemoaned the fact that his sister's EX couldn't be included, because, after all, he wanted his bike pedals back !

It'd seem that the only reason DH to be wants this bloke there is to keep the peace with his mum & sisters (not that he genuinely likes his company, not that he feels genuinely close to him) ..... which, in itself, IMO, doesn't bode very well for the future. As others have pointed out, Katy should now be the no. 1 woman in his life, and if she can't be no. 1 on her own wedding day, then that's a very sorry state of affairs.

SIL is hardly going to be on her own. Her mother will be there, so will her older sister. I agree that going, say, to a colleague's wedding where you don't know any 1 of the 100 guests might be a bit daunting but FFS, this is a small wedding where she knows a good half of the guests very well indeed.

Obviously, at the end of the day, we don't have to live in this situation and it is up to Katy how she handles this. I think she needs to ask herself whether or not she will always resent being forced into a corner over this should she agree this bloke can come. That resentment could affect her future relationship with DH's family just as adversely as refusing him an invitation - particularly if she's put in a similar position again. I agree with her, it does seem she was bullied ... or else why did the younger sister need to bring the older one along as well ?

I think the pair of them behaved appallingly and someone - ideally DH - needs to slap them down.

Thank you!!!! Loving my computer screen again! DF is telling her tomorrow. I just want her to realise that it is not personal and when we have our big party once we've moved, she can bring whoever she likes - all are welcome (as is always the case with us (except this once!))

I am usually very confident, but this wedding has blown me away - I guess I just want it to be perfect so much. I don't really know or like this bloke, nor does DF, in fact we've spent the last 6 months telling her she can do better! We are always going to have to pander to them cos thats what their like, but I just want this 1 day to be mine.

I agree with Catsmother. It's Katy and her dp's wedding day. Neither of them want this man there. He's not even the SIL's boyfriend. It's wrong of the SILs to put Katy under this amount of pressure. I also agree that if Katy gives in over this, what else will she be expected to put up with in future?

I think you need to make sure your partner does as he has said he will. The two of you are getting married, not his family. Be strong and you will have a great day.

Agnes

Morningpaper I am slightly pussled as to how you can perceive this sentence of Katylui1's:

"DF doesn't want him their except to get back his bike pedals that he stole (?!) although agrees that it's not really apprpriate on that day! ALTHOUGH he can't stand up to his sisters."

as "Your DP seems to want her to bring him - TBH I don't understand why your wishes are over-riding your DP's?"

Is my english really that bad?

Tell the SIL to bring the bike pedals and leave the ex at home.

Why does she want to bring an ex to a wedding? Feeling left out in the marital stakes (as the other sister seems to be getting married next) and hoping he'll drop down on one knee at the wedding? .

Maise that was a cross-post actually - she said that after I'd typed my bit

I was basing it on "hes a sucker for them. They lost their dad 4 years ago and now hes the head of the family so to speak (despite the presence of a stepdad). It's such a nightmare, they all (mum and 2 sisters) go all weepy to get what they want."

I am really of the opinion that if you see your wedding day as a day about YOUR wishes and a day that you want to be "perfect" then you are missing the point - which is that it is really about becoming a FAMILY with these people who are pissing you off so much - and that means sitting back and letting things go and accepting that no family is perfect, and no wedding is perfect, and damn well no marriage is perfect.

If she is causing so much fuss then it is obviously important to her. I also really disagree with Elasticwoman that if her single SIL finds weddings difficult then it's "pathetic" and "smacking of envy and smallmindedness" - she is only 24, her dad (who she would be really missing on a big occasion like this) is dead and she is probably missing him like crazy, and yes if you are newly single then weddings ARE difficult because you are always worrying that no one will ever love you again! I think that is just human - and it would be human to just give a little in this situation, I think.

Anyway, I hope the day goes well.

I think it's nonsense that it's 'her day' as the bride. It's BOTH your days; and if you invite guests it's actually, I think, got to be more about them and their comfort. that's what you sign up to when you have a guest; to looking after them and their comfort.

I also think that a guest shouldn't invite someone else along if you haven't specified that's ok, but she's obviously asking because having this friend there would make the day nicer and more fun for her. It's a long day on your own, a wedding.

I think you either just say no, you want to keep it to family and just take the consequences, or you allow him to come and accept it graciously as part of looking after your guests basically.

That's a thing with marriage, you are getting the family as well and I think you have to balance the family relationships issue against how you feel on the wedding day itself.

I wuold just say (having been married ten years now) that most details of the wedding day are long forgotten but my in-laws are an on-going presence.