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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be upset/angry at older man complaining about children in restaurant.

431 replies

Wakingwillow · 26/01/2019 22:52

Just that really. This is my first post but I've been a long time fan of AIBU. We're visiting the UK for a family event.
We're a family of 6, four kids age 11, 9 and 15 mth twins. Staying in a chain family friendly hotel for the weekend. Extended family here also.
After activities today everyone was tired so we decided to have a group family meal in the hotel restaurant. Total 7 children and 8 adults. 5 of the older children (age 8 to 11) sat at a table together next to us. All were very well behaved stayed seated, coloured pages and chatted. The twins sat with adults and made usual toddler noises but nothing too disruptive imo. We had items to keep them entertained and also took them out to lobby area several times.
We arrived at 6pm but due to under staffing there was a delay taking orders and getting food to the table. Kids were served food about 7.20 pm. Adults at 8 ish. (That needs another thread 😐)
After the toddlers had eaten my husband and I took them upstairs cleaned them up, got their pj's on then went back down with them to eat our own meal.
Just as we started eating an older man came over to our table and said that we had ruined his and his wifes night with all our noise.
I really didn't know what to say. I felt an array of emotions, embarrased, upset and finally annoyed/angry. We apologised for the toddlers being disruptive, explained there had been a long delay in them getting food and said we were doing our best to keep them occupied. I also asked him what else could we do, they had to eat to which he responded they should be feed in the room.
I'm so surprised and upset by this. I've never had this happen before and I'm usually very considerate of other diners when we're out as I'm quite shy and don't like to draw attention.
This has really upset me.
I'm just wondering what others have done / would have done in this situation.

OP posts:
SofiaAmes · 29/01/2019 05:24

My dc's always behaved better than most of the drunk adults in the restaurants ( fancy or not) that we went to when we lived in London. I found people extremely un-child friendly including complaining about my sleeping child.....uh the noisy shouting is coming from the drunk at the next table and not my ds who is fast asleep. Or the tut-tuts from the waiter before we'd even ordered about how they didn't have children's food and the disbelief when I'd insist that my ds would share my "adult" meal. (My ds would eat anything you put in front of him with better manners than most adults.)

Some people will never be happy with anything....

mathanxiety · 29/01/2019 05:31

Nodding in agreement, SofiaAmes.
I do think there is an element of unfriendliness toward children at play (agree with Charlie97).

PhilomenaButterfly · 29/01/2019 05:36

I'm sure most people think DS 7 is just badly behaved and I'm a lazy parent. He has ADHD and poor impulse control. We do take his tablet because it's the only thing that holds his attention. He has headphones. I take him to chain restaurants once a year. He absolutely loves the experience. We usually go to the Spaghetti House, the staff generally love him and ask about his games.

mathanxiety · 29/01/2019 05:41

TheClaws
I’d say that treating the restaurant like your own living room might have annoyed the complainant somewhat.

This is rich.

The man clearly felt he was entitled to dictate the conditions under which other diners used the restaurant and felt they owed him the sort of ambiance he would find in his own living room.

zzzzz I agree with all your posts here.

swingofthings · 29/01/2019 05:44

Nothing to do with unfriendliness to children. I love children and love being around them, that is children who are well behaved around other people. We'll behaved doesn't mean being totally quiet, only speaking when asked in a very low voice. It means being able to sit still, talk and laugh without shouting, and doing as they are asked.

The difference between children is so obvious to those who re not parents. I have neighbours with three children on either side of us. One family is lovely, kids being kids, but polite, playing in the garden nicely together, laughing but in a way that does warm your heart. The three others scream, shout, fight constantly. I've never heard them having a normal conversation between them. Everything is conflict. Their parents ignore tm most of the time and when thry don't, it's to shout at them making even more noise than their kids.

I totally agree that it's not kids who are worse. Women together who get tipsy are the worse. The constant kackling is from far the most annoying public disturbance.

fancynancyclancy · 29/01/2019 06:39

A few weeks ago DH & I were out for an evening meal together. There was a married couple (assumption based on rings) seated next to us, bizarrely throughout the entire meal they didn’t speak to each other at all except to say “are you finished”. They conversed & were polite to the waiter but they literally sat in silence. I thought it was really odd but apparently not so judging by this thread!

TheClaws · 29/01/2019 07:07

The man clearly felt he was entitled to dictate the conditions under which other diners used the restaurant and felt they owed him the sort of ambiance he would find in his own living room.

No, I think he wanted to have a meal in conditions generally defined under “restaurant”.

PhilomenaButterfly · 29/01/2019 07:10

swing DS2 is not "badly behaved, he has ADHD and terrible impulse control. As he hasn't been officially diagnosed yet, I don't have any strategies to help him.

Ladymargarethall · 29/01/2019 07:11

fancynancy a friend of mine, a dedicated people watcher, would say that you can tell they are married because they have run out of things to say to each other!

Ladymargarethall · 29/01/2019 07:14

Philomena don't wait for a diagnosis to try out strategies to help him. Diagnosis takes ages by which time habits are harder to break.

PhilomenaButterfly · 29/01/2019 07:29

He's just been assessed, and the psychologist seems pretty definite, so I don't think it'll be that long Lady! 😂

I need CAMHS to teach me strategies, but they won't do that before diagnosis. Hmm

Charlie97 · 29/01/2019 07:49

I'm sure most people think DS 7 is just badly behaved and I'm a lazy parent. He has ADHD and poor impulse control. We do take his tablet because it's the only thing that holds his attention. He has headphones. I take him to chain restaurants once a year. He absolutely loves the experience. We usually go to the Spaghetti House, the staff generally love him and ask about his games.

I would disagree, firstly I tend not to be focussing on any other table except the company on my table (I only socialise with people I want too), if somehow you attracted my attention then I think that it's easy to,spot parents that are dealing with ADHD or similar, they talk to their child in a particular kind way. The tablet is up to you, I still do not understand what is so different to a colouring pad no pens and a child doing puzzles, games etc on a tablet ...... life moves on, at one time we had slate and chalk.

Good luck with the diagnosis and don't let your son miss out on the experience he loves because some people are intolerant of his needs.

swingofthings · 29/01/2019 07:57

Philomena, there's a big difference between a, parent with a child with sen who is clearly trying to manage a situation when the child becomes disruptive and maybe apologise to fellow guests, and a, parent too busy to talk to the other adts whilst totally ignoring the behaviour of the child.

My ds was a tantrumy child. He had his moment in public, but when he did, I did something about it quickly. I have left a restaurant before we were finished because of his behaviour which thankfully didn't last long.

It is clearly much harder with a sen child but I'd have full sympathy with a parent at least trying something to calm them.

As for sitting and not talking, who k ies, tbey might have just add an argument. Not something I would do, I like talking too much!

Villanellenovella · 29/01/2019 07:58

Swing - now it's 'cackling women' who get on your nerves - you dont seem to like people much

PBo83 · 29/01/2019 08:00

@swingofthings - Thankyou for taking the mantle of common sense and plain decency.

fancynancyclancy · 29/01/2019 08:07

Ladymargarethall 😆 I hope that’s not true as I met DH at 19 & mid 30s now.

I don’t think they had had a row, as their body language was relaxed & no obvious tension.

Someone mentioned the Ivy upthread, I’ve been a few times for lunch & dinner. It’s very buzzy & has a great atmosphere, not quiet at all!

swingofthings · 29/01/2019 08:10

@PBo83 Smile

@Villanellenovella, I do like people who respect those around them. The reality is that most people are annoyd by obnoxiously loud people, but no-one dares saying anything, clearly because of the reaction when they do which is expressed here, so adopt the stiff lip attitude.

My friends feel the sane I do and their kids are brought up to respect others too.

SherbertMelon · 29/01/2019 08:31

I was at a fish & chip restaurant in Leeds where there was a table of unruly children and 4 adults. I kid you not, a couple of the children ended up running around the kitchen. They were unceremoniously hauled back to their parents and told firmly the two rules of the house. Stay in your seat, and don't shout or hit.

Otherwise, you're leaving.

Obviously, the parents were taken aback at this rudeness from the manager, and looked around the other customers for support.
How dare this man try to take away their right to overrun the place with their noisy ill-behaved children? They actually asked what was the reason they must stay in their seats? Is there a good reason?

You can't argue with stupid.

Gromance02 · 29/01/2019 09:57

You shouldn't have children if you have to be told that your children should stay in their seats when in a restaurant. Muppets.

PhilomenaButterfly · 29/01/2019 10:30

Charlie because screens are the only things that stop him leaping about. He even does it while drawing or building Lego.

Lydiaatthebarre · 29/01/2019 10:31

I agree with everything Swing has said.

Charlie97 · 29/01/2019 10:33

@PhilomenaButterfly I'm on your side, I'm saying I think screens are no different to any other "distraction" I'd colouring or reading. It's just a "modern day" distraction and distracting children has been used for years. I'm not sure if that came across in my post, I am definitely not judging you.

PhilomenaButterfly · 29/01/2019 10:33

And in nursery and reception he had to be bribed to sit down and draw with the promise of the toy cars afterwards.

bourbonbiccy · 29/01/2019 10:34

@SherbertMelon " you can't argue with stupid " should be a tag line in so many situations

PBo83 · 29/01/2019 10:35

@SherbertMelon
@bourbonbiccy

I think "You cant argue with entitled and selfish" is possibly more fitting in some scenarios