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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be upset/angry at older man complaining about children in restaurant.

431 replies

Wakingwillow · 26/01/2019 22:52

Just that really. This is my first post but I've been a long time fan of AIBU. We're visiting the UK for a family event.
We're a family of 6, four kids age 11, 9 and 15 mth twins. Staying in a chain family friendly hotel for the weekend. Extended family here also.
After activities today everyone was tired so we decided to have a group family meal in the hotel restaurant. Total 7 children and 8 adults. 5 of the older children (age 8 to 11) sat at a table together next to us. All were very well behaved stayed seated, coloured pages and chatted. The twins sat with adults and made usual toddler noises but nothing too disruptive imo. We had items to keep them entertained and also took them out to lobby area several times.
We arrived at 6pm but due to under staffing there was a delay taking orders and getting food to the table. Kids were served food about 7.20 pm. Adults at 8 ish. (That needs another thread 😐)
After the toddlers had eaten my husband and I took them upstairs cleaned them up, got their pj's on then went back down with them to eat our own meal.
Just as we started eating an older man came over to our table and said that we had ruined his and his wifes night with all our noise.
I really didn't know what to say. I felt an array of emotions, embarrased, upset and finally annoyed/angry. We apologised for the toddlers being disruptive, explained there had been a long delay in them getting food and said we were doing our best to keep them occupied. I also asked him what else could we do, they had to eat to which he responded they should be feed in the room.
I'm so surprised and upset by this. I've never had this happen before and I'm usually very considerate of other diners when we're out as I'm quite shy and don't like to draw attention.
This has really upset me.
I'm just wondering what others have done / would have done in this situation.

OP posts:
Charlie97 · 28/01/2019 18:33

Personally @swingofthings I find the sound of children laughing and giggling with their parents and companions in a FF restaurant a joy to hear...... it no they must just all sit straight backed and only taking part in quiet conversation.

HauntedPencil · 28/01/2019 18:34

If you stay in a family hotel you expect there to be kids. If a restaurant takes a long time to bring food little children get upset.

If it bothers people that much there are hotels that are geared towards adults only.

Can't people just be more tolerant?

WithAllIntenseAndPurposes · 28/01/2019 18:59

Nobody has mentioned allowing their kids to run round shrieking though swings unless you could point out where to me

marymarkle · 28/01/2019 19:16

There are a handful of hotels that are adult only. Nearly all hotels are open to all ages.

chilledteacher · 28/01/2019 19:17

I had this once in a similar restaurant attached to family friendly hotel. Horrible man came and shouted at us for ruining his meal. Told us next time our kids would be better in McDonalds. They weren't making much noise. His poor wife looked mortified and was so apologetic. I wish I'd thought of something clever to say but I was so shocked that I just started crying.

marymarkle · 28/01/2019 19:18

charlie I don't think anyone objects to children or adults for that matter being happy. Like everything else, the devil is in the detail.
So being happy and giggling - fine.
Being happy and doing those loud piercing shreaks some little kids do - not fine.

HauntedPencil · 28/01/2019 19:27

Well if you find sharing a restaurant with children that abhorrent you'd be able to find one.

Children need to eat too.

Charlie97 · 28/01/2019 19:27

@marymarkle my post was aimed at @swingofthings who says people should engage in quiet conversation whilst putting their food in their mouths, I disagree. I'm not saying shouting and shrieking and I've said all along appropriate noise.

Charlie97 · 28/01/2019 19:30

@chilledteacher some people see children and instantly decided they are going to be noisy and disruptive, don't actually wait to see. They think they should all be in bed asleep at 6pm having eaten alone and in silence.

SherbertMelon · 28/01/2019 19:30

I find the sound of children laughing and giggling with their parents and companions in a FF restaurant a joy to hear...

I can't imagine anyone objecting to that. I don't think that's the type of noise everyone is talking about. It's the screaming and shouting that jars. And they do scream and shout and some parents ignore it.

HauntedPencil · 28/01/2019 19:36

Children do scream and have tantrums they all do. When you've ordered food and you are away from home there isn't a huge deal always you can do about it.

People aren't advocating that they should be allowed to scream and run around swinging on chandeliers but they can make noise especially with a service is especially slow.

It's not like they are in Tge Ivy is it? When you are away from home you need to eat. I don't take mine out late, or to places that people spend a lot of money on and do my best that they don't annoy people but there will always be that odd occasion where a little one will have a tantrum or be noisy.

I don't get ragey over adults being noisy.

HauntedPencil · 28/01/2019 19:39

On threads like this though some people do come across as grumpy intolerant asshats and you just can't please some people.

marymarkle · 28/01/2019 19:41

Haunted I have stood outside a pub while the baby was screaming her head off, then swapped places. Yes kids tantrum and scream, but you don't just sit there in a restaurant while a kid screams for 30 minutes.

marymarkle · 28/01/2019 19:42

charlie I agree appropriate.

WithAllIntenseAndPurposes · 28/01/2019 19:55

But Mary nowhere has there been the implication any of the kids were screaming their heads off so it's a daft comparison

Villanellenovella · 28/01/2019 20:00

'Posh' people can be noisy too. Not sure it comes down to class or money.

Charlie97 · 28/01/2019 20:07

@Villanellenovella did you not know that social etiquette is only determined by cash in your pocket......or some MNs think so.

I mean professional footballers are renowned for raucous inappropriate behaviour but have lots of spare cash and frequent high end establishments. So that's a perfect example of PP intimating that less cash rich people being louder than cash rich blown out of the water.

swingofthings · 28/01/2019 20:12

I've said all along appropriate noise
There is no just thing as appropriate. Your appropriate and my appropriate is clearly poles apart, however if I or my kids disturb others, whatever their appropriate, I take it that I need to adapt, not others having to adapt to my threshold.

I'm the end, tge man chose to stay and eat there, so he took it. Similarly, OP needs to take it that her party angried someone else and take it on her chin. It's up to her what she does about it, either considering that her party didn't disturb anyone but that man and therefore ignored, or accept that maybe the group was indeed louder and disruptive than she thought and consider this next time.

Charlie97 · 28/01/2019 20:24

apart, however if I or my kids disturb others, whatever their appropriate, I take it that I need to adapt, not others having to adapt to my threshold.

I would consider if I believed the random person was being reasonable, many people are totally u reasonable of reasonable level of noise. I would not confirm to only quiet conversation whilst putting food in my mouth. Reasonable conversation with laughter and fun is fine. I am able to know what reasonable and you may say I'm unreasonable but your intolerance of noise other than quiet conversation is your issue not mine.

Lizzie48 · 28/01/2019 20:39

I think the best thing is not to have too high expectations of other people's behaviour. Otherwise you'll just end up being disappointed every time.

Tbh, I haven't often been upset by the behaviour of people at other tables. Because I haven't expected other people to just quietly converse together and put food in their mouths. People often go out to celebrate something (e.g. a birthday) so the mood is festive, which actually is quite nice to see. (Except when they're drunk and unpleasant, but that's much less likely to be a factor if you book your table for earlier in the evening.)

I think it's unreasonable not to expect any level of fun and laughter when you're out for a meal. Shouting isn't on, though, people don't want to listen to your dirty laundry being aired in public.

WithAllIntenseAndPurposes · 28/01/2019 20:39

What a load of rubbish swing. Some people will be disturbed by someone sneezing chatter at a reasonable level laughing or any other noise they deem unacceptable
So you would sit in silence for an entire meal in that case?

madeyemoodysmum · 28/01/2019 20:39

He was very rude to do that and wrong

I will say though that toddlers. Indeed kids up to about 4/5 don’t seem to have a volume control Not blaming them it’s just the way they are. They learn later about indoor voices in MOST cases with good parenting and school helps. I’m sure you are a good parent from your post. However many parents are used to the noise and are immune to it and this can be very annoying for other people

I tend to try and sit away from kids of this age if I get a choice if I don’t I’ll go elsewhere or put up with it.

Italiangreyhound · 28/01/2019 20:57

chilledteacher "His poor wife looked mortified and was so apologetic. I wish I'd thought of something clever to say but I was so shocked that I just started crying."

You poor thing, that is so unfair.

If they spoke to me quietly/politely and my kids were rowdy, I would probably apologize.

However, if they were rude/shouted, I think turning your back to the rude person and getting on with your food would be best, and if they insisted in talking to you I would then complain to the waiter that they were bothering me! (But in reality I would almost certainly get upset too!) Thanks

HauntedPencil · 28/01/2019 21:01

So have I taken my kids outside and do do what you can but it's still going to be noisy.

I've also bailed and gone home but you can't do that when you are staying in a hotel because you've nowhere else to go.

And it depends on the situation it's not always possible to stand outside.

Nothing will please some people though however considerate you try to be.

swingofthings · 29/01/2019 05:13

I would not confirm to only quiet conversation whilst putting food in my mouth. Reasonable conversation with laughter and fun is fine
I never said that you can't laugh while eating at a table but again, I've learned to laugh without belting it out or kackling like hens every 5 seconds.

The reality is that we do indeed involve in a more and more noisy environment and it is indeed what younger people do enjoy. People can't cope with low level sound or havens forbid solence. There's music all the time everwhere, TV blaring, people shouting to be heard over it. Then people complain that they struggle to sleep well, kids struggle to concentrate school. People's brains are constantly stimulated, adrenaline constantly flowing.

This thread confirms that this state of being is becoming the norm, so I'll let these people be and indeed enjoy people and places who appreciate that food tastes much better in a quietish, low level conversation and laughter than constantly being disturbed by high pitch laugh, loud conversation, scratch of the chairs as constantly moved, and sound of tablets used to entertain kids.