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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to my mum (babysitting)

238 replies

HJWT · 26/01/2019 17:17

My DM is raising my 3 DN, she has dropped it on me that she has an app on Thursday to have her hair done and can I watch the youngest for 2 hours. She would be back around 1.45 but my DD finishes nursery at 12 and this is when I go home and make her lunch, I told her last week after being asked to take her to 2 of DN app that I am not here to look after DN as i have my own DD but I am more than happy if she needs me to take her shopping/clean up etc during DD's nursery hours then I will do so.... AIBU to say no? As harsh as it sounds, I told her not to take on the last DN as I will not be helping with them and I have done MORE than enough up to this point as it is ... I am so fed up of the only reason me needing to go round is to do something. when I asked why she didn't at least think to book the app between DD's nursery hours she said 'its all the hairdresser had' Im really fed up of it all now, my DD has no relationship with any of her grandparents, none of them bother to come and see her and I just feel like telling them all to piss of, why should I look after my DN when she cant even make an effort to come and see my DD??

OP posts:
Original poster
HJWT · 26/01/2019 20:02

I am so thankful for the last few PP's!!! Thank you so much for having a heart and being kind, iv spend the last 2 hours since DD went to bed crying on and of, I love my mum so much and my DN, we used to be so so close I feel bad saying No but I have my own life and I already do so so much for her...

OP posts:
BlueSlipperSocks · 26/01/2019 20:02

@BlueSlipperSocksread it properly I raised my first 2 DN and the moved out 3rd DN came along when i was pregnant with DD and i take them to all there appointments

So I guess you were assessed to raise your DN's and then informed SS that you would no longer be caring for the two or the third when you were expecting your DD?

You took your DN's for their 2 Hepatitis blood tests 👏👏👏

You realise that foster carers do this for many children, plus look after them 24/7 when their families give up all responsibility for them. Your mum is doing her best trying to keep them within the family. She could do with some help in looking after the most vulnerable members of your family. She can do her own shopping and cleaning and sorting out her sky - otherwise she wouldn't have passed the assessments needed to care for her grandchildren.

You are bullshitting! Either step up and help care for your DN's or do the right thing and let SS know they need to look for alternative carers who can, adequately, provide for your DN's needs. Your posts suggest your DM can't and you don't want to. Your DN's deserve better.

Original poster
HJWT · 26/01/2019 20:07

@BlueSlipperSocks you are such an idiot, the only 'assessment' SS do is to put you on fostering courses, visit once a week and write a load of shit on a pile of papers, then they put forward to the judge whether they think the family should get an SGO or not and the judge decided, and YES this decision is also made on the SUPPORT the family member has around them, they DBS check all of us and ask how much support we would give, I went to every meeting and did EVERY contact with BM and BD until it was stopped because they showed up stinking of vodka and were always late!!!

So please don't come at me with the bull shit you googled, oh and its 3 blood test for hep C!!! And thats when they manage to get enough blood to actually test it.

OP posts:
Chickychoccyegg · 26/01/2019 20:20

can't believe some of the ridiculous responses you've been getting op, sounds like you've had to take on a huge amount of responsibility for your dn's which to some degree wasn't your choice, and you go above and beyond in terms of support.
if people imagine this was op's sister/friend etc asking for this level of help people would have completely different responses, but the situation is the same, op has her own life and family to organise, and helps where she can but she should not feel obliged, and her dm is taking the piss with an inconvenient timed hair appointment, is your dd's nursery local to you? if so do you need to drive 40 mins to pick up dn, drive 40 mins to collect dd, drive 40 mins to drop dn back home, drive 40 mins to go home? if so that is ridiculous, and your dm needs to drop off to you if she wants help with babysitting xx

Rtmhwales · 26/01/2019 20:27

I find this thread and people's posts a bit ridiculous honestly. You see on here all the time when posters are stressed and their parents or in laws don't want to help with childcare for whatever reason, that they are not responsible. Presumably OP's DM chose to adopt the children herself rather than have them go to another family, and she chose to take on that responsibility. The OP doesn't owe her DM childcare. Especially not for a hairdresser appointment that can easily be booked for another date or time during the 9-12 window that OP has clearly stated she wouldn't mind having her DN.

purpleboy · 26/01/2019 20:27

@HJWT I understand your position, and I really feel for you. The people on here giving you a hard time are not living your life and therefore Not in a position to judge. It was your DM decision to take on your DN and that is amazing of her, but she sounds like she expects an awful lot of help with it from you, and your perfectly justified to politely tell her it doesn't work for you and if she can swap to xyz time then you are happy to help, (as you always seem to do). It's great to be there for your family, as long as it's a 2 way street, and this doesn't sound like it is. If she has time to meet up with DN school friends (although probably easier due to proximity) she could be making more time with her own other GC. She is raising 3 young Children, plenty of people do this and manage to find time to see people they want to see!
I think as previously suggested a good chat with siblings to get everyone on board to ease the load off not only your mum but also on you. Xx

Linlou82 · 26/01/2019 20:36

I sympathise with you OP the choices of your sister are not yours. The choices of your DM are not yours but you are dealing with the consequences.

I think what alit are confused about this includes me is why are the rest of your siblings not being asked/actively asking to help out?

Your mum needs some time to herself but it’s not your duty to accommodate this.

Sounds like there needs to be a family meeting your siblings with your mum and dad.

Can your DH take the DN for this and your siblings need to be stepping up as well, it’s unfair to all fall on you. Your mum probably asks you as you say yes maybe a no would do some good.

You didn’t create any of this situation but you and your siblings could help with some restbite for your mum. She probably thought would be retired spending quality time with her DH but it hasn’t worked that way.

If your DN’s could have a good relationship with all their aunts and uncles they maybe less clingy.

Are the fathers family completely out the picture? Could the GP or aunts and uncles from that side be able to help out more?

It’s not fair to fall all on you but also unfair for all to fall on your DM she needs help, just shouldn’t all be from you but she probably isn’t asking others as they are not offering.

Good luck wishing the best for your Neices sounds like they have had a rough time and deserve a big loving family.

BoneyBackJefferson · 26/01/2019 20:48

HJWT

Your having a rough ride here.

It won't matter to some how much you have done, what you put aside or what your personal situation is they won't be able to get past the sainthood that they have bestowed on your mother.

Stillme1 · 26/01/2019 20:51

I get that you want to be wife and mother to DH and DD.

You also want to be daughter to DM and presumably DF too.
You also want to be aunt to the DNs
You do not want to be a carer or foster parent or taxi driver.
I get all that.
However, life rarely gives us what we want and sometimes we get stuck in situations not of our making.
To get through this current situation about the hair appt. Could DM cancel this appt and make one with a hairdresser near you. You could have the morning with DN pick up DD from nursery and then DM could join you all for lunch. Everyone gets a lunch date.

Celticrose · 26/01/2019 21:01

It won't matter to some how much you have done, what you put aside or what your personal situation is they won't be able to get past the sainthood that they have bestowed on your mother

This

rhopotomac · 26/01/2019 21:02

OP, people are so contradictory on this thread vs. others...Hmm

This is such a difficult situation but one which you have been dragged into. Say no, you do more than enough. Keep some very boundaried contact so that you have a good relationship with your dn’s, can help your mum out a small amount and spend the rest of your time doing what you need for you and your daughter. And don’t feel bad about it.
She’ll then learn to ask the other relatives to step up and share the load.

TraLaLaaaaa · 26/01/2019 21:18

Some awfully mean women posting on here.

HJWT Flowers for you. Incredibly difficult situation for you to be in. You clearly do a lot and have done a lot to support your DNs over the years and your DM in her care of them. But it's ok to draw the line somewhere and the hair appointment would have justifiably been it. I think maybe you need to have a very frank and honest conversation with your DM about what you are able to do going forward.

SplishSplashSplosh · 26/01/2019 21:20

Hi
Can't offer advice on the situation with your mum and have admitedly only read half the thread but had a thought that maybe every so often you could take your youngest DN for the day and at the same time your mum can take your DD for the day.

It will give your DD some time to bond with her GM and and give you quality time with your DN.

Also, maybe suggest to your mum that she could look into a mobile hairdresser who can come to her house.

tinkerbellla · 26/01/2019 21:34

Your Mum sounds like an amazing lady, why not help her out and then she'll be able to spend much more time with you and your daughter? I bet she'd love the support.

Claw001 · 26/01/2019 21:36

OP I think I know where you are coming from. I have a friend with a disability, our friendship turned from do you want to come round for a coffee, to can you mow my lawn, can you take my curtains down, take me here etc, etc.

I felt more like a carer, than a friend. You need to have a chat and sort this.

WithAllIntenseAndPurposes · 26/01/2019 21:44

Isn't it funny when kids need a bit of help from their parents they are more than entitled to say no sorry not my kids not my responsibility according to most on here
Funny how the op is being told she 'should' be helping out here for kids that aren't hers when she has her own to look after
MN is fucking odd

Anniegetyourgun · 26/01/2019 21:53

Gosh, some posters are as bad as that nurse, jabbing and jabbing away until they can get some blood out Hmm

I think they may have missed that OP has been helping her mother look after other children since she was only a child herself, and is now tired of being the only go-to helper in quite a large family. Seems like her mum is happy enough to use OP as an unpaid assistant, but not to accept useful things like driving lessons that could enable her to help herself. It also sounds as though she is keeping the good bits of parenting to herself whilst delegating the running around and hospital stuff. They may also have missed that OP minds the nieces/nephews whilst her mother takes a break (no doubt a well earned and necessary one, but nonetheless, she does get the occasional break and it is OP who facilitates it).

Mum is, you might say, quite selfish in her unselfishness, if that makes any sense. I doubt she means to be but that is the net result, at least from the OP's perspective.

joanmcc · 26/01/2019 21:57

Let's all pile on OP for not being a useless druggie. Not sure why, but since everyone else is doing it.

ENormaSnob · 26/01/2019 21:58

Some utter nobs on this thread.

serialtester · 26/01/2019 22:05

The OP wants her mum to be a mum to her and a gran to her daughter. It sounds like because of the issues with her sister that she's not been "mothered" for a while. I get what you're saying OP and yanbu Flowers

serialtester · 26/01/2019 22:06

Also the OP has had to grow up with the chaos of her sister being a drug addict. A bit of empathy and compassion on this thread wouldn't go amiss.

WTBE · 26/01/2019 22:09

I can understand your frustration OP.

I can imagine you feel like you don't get "normal" time with your mum and your DD, but unfortunately for your DN their parents are a waste of space. Luckily have your mum and you. I have no advice except maybe talk to your mum, does she know you want to go soft play, days out with her etc?

WithAllIntenseAndPurposes · 26/01/2019 22:15

Charlie97 I would call you what I really think you are for your conduct on this thread keep arguing like a dog with a bone and kicking the OP some more but I'm pretty sure I'm between this thread you are sat in your crappy house in your crappy relationship drinking away your sadness so I will just offer you my pity right now

Schmoobarb · 26/01/2019 22:32

Isn't it funny when kids need a bit of help from their parents they are more than entitled to say no sorry not my kids not my responsibility according to most on here
Funny how the op is being told she 'should' be helping out here for kids that aren't hers when she has her own to look after
MN is fucking odd

This

RCohle · 26/01/2019 22:45

I think you'd get different responses to usual "AIBU to expect my parents to babysit" threads in circumstances where the kids in question were not the poster's own but their sibling's who they had taken in as a last resort to the DC being taken into care.

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