To say no to my mum (babysitting)

[HJWT]

My DM is raising my 3 DN, she has dropped it on me that she has an app on Thursday to have her hair done and can I watch the youngest for 2 hours. She would be back around 1.45 but my DD finishes nursery at 12 and this is when I go home and make her lunch, I told her last week after being asked to take her to 2 of DN app that I am not here to look after DN as i have my own DD but I am more than happy if she needs me to take her shopping/clean up etc during DD's nursery hours then I will do so.... AIBU to say no? As harsh as it sounds, I told her not to take on the last DN as I will not be helping with them and I have done MORE than enough up to this point as it is ... I am so fed up of the only reason me needing to go round is to do something. when I asked why she didn't at least think to book the app between DD's nursery hours she said 'its all the hairdresser had' Im really fed up of it all now, my DD has no relationship with any of her grandparents, none of them bother to come and see her and I just feel like telling them all to piss of, why should I look after my DN when she cant even make an effort to come and see my DD??

@HJWT well then go round when it's not appointment times? Your DM doesn't drive!

I get it op, of course your mum has done an amazing thing and deserves support but you didn't choose this and the support shouldn't be expected from you, I'd like to see much more formal support going to the carers of these exceptionally vulnerable children...whether the carers are adopters or extended birth family. Your DN's sound like they have suffered huge losses but your sisters actions and your mums decisions (however selfless) have impacted you too and you have every right to feel resentful about that.

@Charlie97 and when do I get to spend time with my DH? Go food shopping clean my house? Take my daughter out? Seriously

Wow what a awful lot your family have been through! Your mum sounds amazing, as do you!!

I'm sorry you don't get the support or your DD doesn't get the attention you so rightly feel she deserves. I feel that what you have said about the past and your involvement with DN's and what your mum asks if you now is because she feels exceptionally close to you. Hang on to the thought that you love these children and your mum and remember youngest DN won't be young forever. Life will ease up eventually.

YANBU to feel put upon and stressed though. Take care

@Nicknacky do you mean this - thanks, I tried to talk to my DS about it and her answer was 'well at least you get to spend time with DN'

OMG, the number of people on MN who think they should have glorious isolation when they have their baby, family banned from attending unless the new mum wants them, who think 2 tines a month is more than an ample number of timed for grandparents to see their grandchildren, and yet the OP who has done loads for over a bloody decade is being given a hard time because she wants to enjoy being a mum for a bit. FFS..,!!!!

@patsycrime thank you xx

@HJWT a once a month or fortnight visit will not impact your life..... surely?

Your a SAHM? You can clean while DD at nursery, shop the same, see DH in the evening.

I would LOVE for DN to be DROPPED OF for a few hours in the week, and then picked up. Because guess what? That would be me having a relationship with my DN, I bet they hate me 'thats the aunt that takes me to the hospital and holds me down whilst I get stabbed'

Yet you say you have virtually brought them up, because your DM goes on holiday a lot and has asked you to have the youngest for a couple of hours to get her hair done?

You can't have it both ways. Either your DN know you as the person who took them for their jabs or you have been instrumental in bringing them up. Which is it?

@Charlie97 when my DD is at nursery I take my DM food shopping clean my DN house and deal with any appointments my DM needs, keep up hun.

@BlueSlipperSocks FOR THEIR JABS?😂😂😂 no this is the regular blood test i take them for to test for Hep C.

I want a relationship with my DM and DN's were we do nice things together and with my DD but I spend so much time running them to app etc that the free time I do have I need to do the things I have to do.

How bloody selfish of DNs to have health issues, I'm sure they'd rather fun than being held own for injections?

@Charlie97 you really are watching my thread like its an episode of corrie.

Singlenotsingle how?? At hospital appointments ? Thats the only time I see DM, taking DN to app.

So it's not the only time you see DM, you're right I cannot keep up hun! I thought you meant this bit, not now saying you clean her house, take her shopping etc....

No wonder you're feeling burned out, frustrated, disappointed, and sad about such a messed-up situation! You don't deserve all of the nastiness you're getting.

@BlueSlipperSocksFOR THEIR JABS?no this is the regular blood test i take them for to test for Hep C.

Whatever... do they know you for blood tests or are you the person who has had more input in their upbringing, than your mum. As one of your drip feeds imply?

You can't have it both ways...

my thread like its an episode of corrie

More Eastenders

@Charlie97
Read the original post
I am more than happy if she needs me to take her shopping/clean up

@BlueSlipperSocks read it properly I raised my first 2 DN and the moved out 3rd DN came along when i was pregnant with DD and i take them to all there appointments.

OMG, the number of people on MN who think they should have glorious isolation when they have their baby, family banned from attending unless the new mum wants them, who think 2 tines a month is more than an ample number of timed for grandparents to see their grandchildren, and yet the OP who has done loads for over a bloody decade is being given a hard time because she wants to enjoy being a mum for a bit. FFS..,!!!!

This.

I wonder if all the critics would put up with all of this in the OP’s shoes.

OP your first mistake was posting in AIBU. Move this to relationships. You will get more compassionate and sensible advice. You 2nd mistake was not saying ‘no’ to your mum more often. All the things you’ve listed seem to befor her benifit not yours. You’re right. It’s a bloody hair appointment FFS. Not medical, not an emergency, not the end of the word. Say no. Tell her to reschedule when you are available. And stop doing her mundane work too. If she can take on 3 kids, she can ring sky and do online shopping. In the evening when the kids are in bed.

I sympathise wih you OP having read the full thread. I suggest you have a chat with your mum about how you are feeling. I don't think you are unreasonable to say no to babysitting especially as presumably it involves you doing the round trip twice if she can't drive. She has taken on a lot though and I feel for her. There's no perfect solution but if you tell her how hurt you are it may start a dialogue which will help you move forward as a family. The siblings who work could still babysitting the evenings or help her with an online shop for example.

For what it's worth at this stage of the thread and all the negative bullshit that has been thrown at you, I still don't think you are being unreasonable. You are being taken for granted. You need to make a stand and let your mother know you just cannot be there to mind the kids when she says so. 40 mins away is no joke when you are having to collect your own child. Anyway, it's about much more than one hair appointment. This situation needs to be sorted overall - if your mother is struggling with raising your sisters children she should look to SS for help. It's admirable that she is raising them but she made that choice so it's up to her to fit in with your plans/schedule when she needs a babysitter, and not the other way around.

No, it doesn’t suit.
No, you are capable of doing that your self.
No, I don’t have time.
No, I don’t want too.
No sorry’s, no explanation, no getting dragged into the whys and whys and wherefores. Just no.

Wow, I feel for you OP I really do. You've had a lot of unnecessarily harsh responses on here from people who probably have no idea what it would be like to live in your shoes.

It sounds like to me that not only have your grandchildren missed out on a grandmother but you have largely missed out on a mother figure as well, and you've had to take a lot of responsibility on from a very early age. I don't think anyone can really blame you for feeling resentful. It must have been very tough.

Sadly, as I'm sure you are aware, the situation is unlikely to change and I think you are going to have to accept that your mother is simply not able to give you what you want. Yes her reasons are admirable, but that doesn't make it any less painful for you as a daughter who has missed out on a typical mother / daughter relationship.

I would focus on building up your own support network through friends etc who can help you when needed and I would think about what are the best ways to help your neices without you becoming over burdened. So taking them to the hospital etc is all good, but sometimes it's ok to say no to your Mum when it's something not urgent, like a hair appointment.