Am I becoming the evil step mum ?

[Samsam66]

Let’s start from the beginning .. with partner for 6years. Engaged, lovely home and lovely step daughter. We have always wanted a child. However, in our 3 bed house, one of the rooms is very small. We discussed if we had a child that our step daughter (who has a large room) would move to the smaller room. I got some disgusting looks from my partner aka her dad. I only say this as we only have her every other weekend.. which mostly accumulates to less than 48hours. I feel that if we had a child living in our home (once past being a baby) they should have a bigger room? Now, he doesn’t want a child unless we get a bigger house just so we don’t hurt our step daughters feelings? Again, can I add we would make the smaller room beautiful, let her paint, buy some bits for the room, new bed sheets etc and explain why but that she would alway have a home here. Perhaps I am unrealistic but i feel putting ourselves in money troubles just to keep our step child happy is silly ?! I don’t know .. thoughts ?

@Racecardriver eh??? Where the fuck does it say he left her? Op says the mother won't allow more access. Most ridiculous and unfair comment so far. You wrote utter crap on my thread the other day too.

Ah right so because i dont have an 8yo i know nothing.

I assume that all posters on here have been in ops situation then?

Yeah?

No.

Priority goes to the child who is in residence more and needs the space.

This changes as the kids grow but I definitely agree that a big bedroom should not be sitting unused for 85% of the time.

It's also worrying that you aren't allowed into DSD's room? She is 8! Why is she dictating whether people can go in and out of her room? How does the bed get changed or hoovering done?

Your DP is being a bit silly. When your living room is entirely filled up with toys for your own dc and he's moaning about it, just remind him about the unused bedroom which he won't budge on.

I would start with the assumption that the bigger bedroom will be used to store both children’s toys so one child sleeps in a smaller bedroom but it is their space. The other child has the bigger bedroom but they have to share the space in the sense that during the day both children can use it to play in. DSD can choose which one she wants.
That seems fair.

My DD has the small room. At 5 I suggested she moved to bigger room for her baby brother to have the small room. She wouldn't hear of it. She keeps her toys and arts and crafts in the dining room.

It could be hurtful asking your step daughter to move. Unless you have twins I'd leave it.

Oh lighten up flamingo, don't take it so seriously! Peace and all that.

You did call her dim, I’d probably bite too if someone insulted me instead of just being able to get their opinion across without the need to get personal

Here’s a tip:
You can avoid working out the perfect answer, by not having a child with someone who hasn’t sorted out more access than 2 nights a fortnight and who just expects to have no contact at 13.

Save your eggs for someone more committed to parenting.

fortunesfave I would tell you that my eldest has the smaller room but I fear this deviation from your own experience may blow your mind

@snowball28 not sure if you mean me, but the poster called what I said dim and I was reacting to that. Which is daft, since it's just t'internet.

You are over thinking. You may well be right in that as she gets into her teens she will be more into her friends. She will be older and may well think the world of her half sibling and see sense in swapping. You are expecting your dh to havr the ability to empathise with a theoretical baby over his actual daughter. When he is living in a house with a 6 year old all the time and a 14 year old who visits, he may agree with you.

YANBU. As a stepmum of 3 you are not being unreasonable at all. When my children were born I explained to the boys that as they had a bedroom at both houses and my children only had one that theirs had to be bigger as they had all their stuff in one room whereas they had 2 to split their stuff between. I moved them when my first born was a baby as I put the cot, rocking chair and playpen as well as big baby toys in there and therefore they could see how much room a baby took up. None of them thought it strange or wicked. In the same way when they occasionally stay now as adults they don't expect a room of their own and they stay on the put you up. I found things that really mattered to them was having the same rules good and bad. Being treated the same instead of special through guilt. They call me mummy number 2 ,we have a good relationship and I treat all my grandchildren equally. Your baby will spend a lot of time in their room as they grow, will have sleepovers with friends etc as will your step daughter in her main house. You and especially your husband will be sending the message that she means more to him and that is largely guilt I believe. Your husband needs to think carefully. Its very often how you handle a situation than the situation itself.

She called the idea that babies don’t take up a lot of room a dim idea, which is something lots of people on this thread said. I can’t see where she singled you out but maybe I’ve missed something . .

And she has a point babies themselves are tiny but the amount of paraphernalia they need is astonishing and a bigger room to store it all in perfectly reasonable, and yes for reference I do have an 8 year old (well 7 and 3/4) to be precise and he of course has toys but they are far smaller and he spends a lot of time on his tablet, outside, crafting and with his friends whereas my 16 month old has the box room in our house and it’s a nightmare her toys are much bigger and there’s barely any storage for her clothes and nappies etc.

I can see why she got annoyed tbh you baited her and like you said it’s just the internet. Chill.

This is very difficult whatever you choose to do. I would imagine it would be harder moving a girl of say 14 out of her room if you chose to wait until your child is about 6 than moving an eight year old now.

I can see that a child permanently resident needs more space than a child who comes at the weekend and keeps most of her things at the resident parent's place.

However this kind of decision isn't solely about practicalities, there is a lot of room for agro and hurt feelings whatever you decide.

It can also depend on what's happening at the resident parent's place. If DSD has the bigger room in that house she may well be brought to an understanding that in the same way the child in your house who is there all the time will need more space than her. If the resident parent is onside that is a help. However if she's not she may well fan the flames of discontent. Also if for some reason the DSD has had to move into a smaller room in the resident parent's house another move like this will be upsetting.

I'm afraid I don't have any answers. Could you extend your existing house...maybe cheaper than moving. You sound a considerate step mum op. I wouldn't let this stop you having a child of your own. You will just have to manage things as seems best to you at the time.

If you have 2 children ...just joking ...it might solve your problem as your lovely DSD would surely accept that 2 small children need the bigger room and in any household with 3 children, the one getting a small room to themselves is lucky. Good luck.

Surely a teenager takes the smaller room as they have less toys.

I would have the baby and put it in the small room. Then as DSD gets older and her current room becomes babyish you sit down and discuss with her swapping rooms and doing the small room out as a cool space.

My teens wanted the smaller room as it was less to keep tidy.

These threads are nuts! The child(ren) who live in the house full time should get the most space as that’s where ALL their stuff is!
DP and I have 2DCs each from previous relationships and we have worked out the best way for organising bedrooms is:

Master bedroom: me & DP

2nd bedroom (next largest): SDs x 2, they are here EOW. They have to share as they have their own individual bedrooms at mum’s house and only stay 4 nights a month and have always shared a bedroom at their dad’s as he previously only had a 2 bedroom house.

3rd bedroom: My DD, we have her 100% of the time as her dad now lives on a different continent. We do not think she should have to share her only bedroom, especially when all the other DCs have a bedroom which is solely theirs.

4th bedroom: my DS has the box room, he has most of his toys in the living room anyway and he has a large bedroom to himself at his dad’s and is there 2 nights a week.

People get so hung up on SCs etc and their parenting is shaped by misplaced guilt a lot of the time. You have to look at what’s best for all the children involved and it seems insane that the full time child has less space than a child who is there 4 days a month!

OP - I have a 3bed house, 16DD (doesn't see her father), 11DSD (EOW) and im 6m Pregnant with our first blended child.

I mentioned bedrooms 2y ago and it caused a storm... first piece of advice don't mention it again!!

It took me 2y to conceive, so second piece of advice is get the bun in the oven before u worry where it will sleep

Baby will be in ur room for 6m, so third piece of advice is brush any room issues off with, "the little bedroom with be more than fine"!!!

forth piece of advice is ...When baby actually moves to their own room, pile it with stuff and get the hubby to admit it's far too small, he can then instigate the movement of DSD. DSD won't mind in the long run and you convince her with decorating it to her standard and choice. Your DH will love both children equally and will want what is best for both.

I have the mammoth task of dropping hints for a £15k loft conversion (which I will pay half of) but while the DH is resistant, I know common sense will prevail when he sees its in the best interest of his son!!

I can’t see where she singled you out but maybe I’ve missed something . .

Yep, you did. She singled out my comment and called it dim. Some may say that was goady. I called her generalisation that all 8 year olds spend most of their time dim. Maybe both a bit childish ...

The logical answer is to decorate it in a way that's neutral and your child goes into the small room when her sibling comes home.

Keeping a big room empty the majority of the time is just silly........My dd longer lives at home but sleeps over once a week still. I've started storing things in dds room because it makes sense. We don't have loads of space.

I had to stop reading the comments on here after the first bunch so I apologise if this has been said.
I've seen posts on here where people have made this suggestion. Moving the DSD into the smaller room because logically she isn't there that much. However OP isn't even pregnant, so allowing appox a year for that to happen, OP is then talking about not swapping rooms until her DC is 5 so we're looking around 6 years in the future? OP your financial situation could be completely different in 6 years time and moving might not be a problem. Don't look for potential issues now

I’m a 49 yr old step child. From 9 to 14 (dad moves abroad) we saw him alternate weekends then monthly etc
Never had our own room, nor did our 4 step siblings. Was just ‘spare room’ or study or sofa.

No personal belongings kept there and no issue with that either.
We stayed with dad, we didn’t live with him. Pretty similar with everyone else I knew in that situation

The only one different was a girl who’s dad kept the house so she always had her room

My point is that this having a bedroom at each home is a new phenomenon

Some of these comments are ridiculous it makes no sense to give a bigger room to a child who is only there EOW and has a room at her main home. For the other child it's their only room where they have to keep all their stuff , have sleepovers etc . It's common sense and practical. All comments saying YABU are probably from mothers in this situation who believe their children should take priority over everyone else.

Would it be an option to explain to your DSD that you are moving her into the smaller room but say that it will be hers, and that she can choose how you decorate it and do it really nicely?

Your partner should want and insist on more contact with his child. It's not his ex 's decision .
Wait until you actually have a child yourself before to decide how the bedrooms will be allocated.