Am I becoming the evil step mum ?

[Samsam66]

Let’s start from the beginning .. with partner for 6years. Engaged, lovely home and lovely step daughter. We have always wanted a child. However, in our 3 bed house, one of the rooms is very small. We discussed if we had a child that our step daughter (who has a large room) would move to the smaller room. I got some disgusting looks from my partner aka her dad. I only say this as we only have her every other weekend.. which mostly accumulates to less than 48hours. I feel that if we had a child living in our home (once past being a baby) they should have a bigger room? Now, he doesn’t want a child unless we get a bigger house just so we don’t hurt our step daughters feelings? Again, can I add we would make the smaller room beautiful, let her paint, buy some bits for the room, new bed sheets etc and explain why but that she would alway have a home here. Perhaps I am unrealistic but i feel putting ourselves in money troubles just to keep our step child happy is silly ?! I don’t know .. thoughts ?

nothing to do with morals. Practicality

I was addressing the issue of children being brought up properly and the suggestion that children ‘raised well’ won’t care about the size of their bedroom. The suggestion, as always, is that mum would be one fuelling the ‘precious first child couldn’t possibly have a small room’, rather than a child might just actually feel agrieved and fed up and worried and upset and pushed out when a new child is born. Apparently, if ‘raised well’, the size of the bedroom won’t bother the child. I beg to differ.

And to be clear, as a RP, I agree it’s bonkers to have a Non resident child in the biggest space from a practical perspective. There is more at stake, however.

Use the small room for the baby until it becomes unfit for purpose. DH (and possibly DSD) will then see with their own eyes that a switch is needed and you won't be the bad guy

I grew up as a step child and gradually my "other" home got more and more taken over by the step-siblings until my bed was a sofa and I only had a tiny set of drawers like a bedside table. It's incredibly hurtful to be removed from your parents life so much you don't have "space" in their home.

I think possibly it's something you would have a conversation with her at the time it's needed. She needs to be part of the process.

Also could you take the small room and give the kids the bigger rooms?

if the OP had an older child then the larger room wouldn’t be sitting empty for 85% of the time. That is the part that is silly. I also don’t think it is particularly healthy to perpetuate the feeling that the step child must always be first and centre of everyone’s worlds. Sometimes, like in the case of a resident child needing the larger room more, other people’s needs are more important. Other times, like in the case of cheaper holidays so that the step child gets to experience quality time with her father and sibling, then the step child’s need should be provided for. A child who is set above everyone else ALL the time is going to have a hard time growing up. Just my tuppence worth ( FWIW I’m currently pregnant and looking to move so that we can still provide EOW DSD7 her own room, so I am familiar with your dilemma)

How about, when the time comes, asking step daughter to share her bedroom with the younger child (once he/she is sleeping through properly of course, maybe aged 3 or 4). And offer the small room as a study / personal space for dsd where she can study / listen to music undisturbed.
A) she agrees - problem solved.
B) She asks to move to the small room rather than share - problem solved.
C) She thinks it’s a dreadful idea - you start thinking about moving.

Honestly though, you say she is lovely, I’d hedge my bets that when she is 12/13 and sees her little brother or sister living in a tiny room while her own large room is empty 12 days out of every 14 she will OFFER it to her little sibling.

Say you had two reception rooms downstairs, one small, one large. Would you make your lounge in the small room, a room that will be used every day. Or would you male that small room your dining room, as the likelihood is the dining room would be used a handful of times a month.

I can see why you would want your baby, a full time resident in the house to have the larger room, create a nursery you've probably always dreamt of. I can also see why your SD would feel pushed out if she was relegated to the small room.

Could you not, when the time comes, redecorate the large room to suit both children and hold wardrobe space and beds for both of them, and use the small room as a playroom? TV on the wall, comfy chair?

She's refusing to share a room? If space is an issue, that choice isn't any child's, step or otherwise.

Its a very different situation to change bedroom for a sibling with whom you live with 24/7 than to ask a child to move out of a room that has been theirs for years when they visit their dad and step-mum to allow a new baby to have it, who will be spending all of their time with your dad and step-mum

Please see it from a step child's point of view, rather than just a child.

You may find that when the time does come, your step-daughter may be happy to swap rooms, but there really is no need for the discussion to be had now, when it's not an imminent decision to be made. There are so many factors that could change between now and then. So why cause the discord when it's not necessary or relevant?

Ignoring SDs feelings for a minute, ops DH has said he doesn't want to have another child if this means his existing child has to lose her bedroom. It matters a lot to him. Pretending it's OK and waiting until pregnant/child is a toddler etc is awful behaviour. He has every right to not want more children under these, or any other circumstances. OP you say sometimes things are just life, but I think you need to accept that life means a man who already has children and who has a significant illness may not be able to have more children or not be able to give them a big room.

You can afford life as it is now. He doesn't want another child if it means impacting on his existing one. He is not being unreasonable.

My DSD has always had the smallest room in our houses based however before anyone gasps...it has always enabled us to make sure that it's completely her own space and doesn't need to be touched in between her weekends. The other bedrooms have always had to have some other storage in there that is accessed on a regular basis.

It's the typical 'step-child must come first at all costs' paranoia. As long as children are secure in the fact that their parents love them, that any secondary adults in their lives will act as responsible adults towards their SDCs and that THEY haven't been left, rather it's issues between their parents which mean they can't all live together, they will be fine. When the adults involved can't get over their guilt at having left and start to overcompensate in various ways (such as the bedroom issue here) that children sense a lack of security in their own parents and additionally learn that their wants and needs can trump everyone else's. Neither of these things is the best for the child. In this situation, I would suggest that the OP has raised this far too early and caused unnecessary tension BUT that the principle of what she is saying is not wrong. For now, any new baby does not need the bigger room but ongoing, of course it is sensible! It would be utterly ridiculous for the biggest 2nd bedroom to go unused the majority of the time whilst a permanently resident family member has less space. If you haven't succeeded in making sure your children feel secure in their place in your life following a separation, then that's what you need to work on. Things like swapping bedrooms do not need to be a major trauma-inducing catastrophe. By the time SDD is in her early teens, when this will become a potential issue, she is more than capable of understanding why her younger sister will have greater need of that bedroom.

Don’t move to a bigger house now. Give the new baby the small room - it will be years before they care about having the bigger room. By the time that time comes you might be able to afford a bigger house, or your DSD might be happy to swap, or any number of things could have changed.

What you obviously can’t do is talk about who ‘deserves’ the room more etc or your DSD will just hear that she’s less important than the baby and it will be devastating for her.

So don’t borrow on your worries. You’re 6-8 years away from having to think about this decision. Lots of things could have changed by then.

Littletabbyocelot's comment is excellent.

OP's DH doesn't want to have another child unless both children have what he considers adequate accommodation in the home. If the box room wouldn't be considered adequate for your hypothetical child then it's reasonable that it isn't considered adequate for his existing child.
Even if she's not with you full time she should still consider her dad's home as her own home.

So, you say We have always wanted a child , something you have obviously talked about and planned ..
Then he gives you disgusting looks but what did he actually say.

Is he horrified at the work involved in decorating again?

Now, he doesn’t want a child unless we get a bigger house

Is he 100% on board with having another child? Easy enough to say 'oh these things will work out' but yes you are right to o the working out before the baby . Or is that just throwing his toys out of the pram. If I don't get what I want , you don't either. !

Have you looked into the finances of moving? (Bearing in mind you'll be the main breadwinner). Most people are put off moving partly due to the cost and legal fees.

Does your DSD have other siblings? How have they done the arrangements at her Mums house?

I wouldn't decide on anything for now. If you have a baby, it would probably be in your room initially and then you can move it to the smaller one. Keep the supplies in the bigger one, where there will be more space. When your DC is older, of course it makes sense for them to have the bigger one if they're there the entire time! If the DSD is going to be 13/14 at that time then you could make a big thing about her choosing how to decorate the little room and making it her own. At that age she would be old enough to realise the practical side of it and would probably be fine with it.

Talking about getting a bigger house for an as yet imaginary scenario is ridiculous. Your DP is just being reactive and when/if the time comes he’ll be less hysterical and will think about it rationally.

Don’t discuss it further. Let it go until you actually have to deal with it in real life. No point falling out over it now, no good can come of discussing this...

Your "D"P is ringing alarm bells for me. Hes demanding you pay for things he gets to chose?? Be very wary of him. How old are you? How do you own the house/how much does he pay towards it? Tbh id be selling up and finding someone better, ar which point he will realise how much you are subsidising them both!

Dont worry about things that may never happen. Have the baby then worry about whats best for your family as a whole, the swap ever 2 years idea is genius and is also a great way to declutter!

Fwiw i do like that DC room is small as it means they only sleep in it so it's associated with sleeping. I never used stuff like a chair or changing table as it's more un-necsessary crap.

I cant help but think thats a bit dim. Babies/toddlers come with mountains of shite and ugly plastic toys etc. An 8yo probably spends a lot of time on a tablet or similar. what takes up more space?

Well @flamingofridays you are only considering that you would stick an 8 year old on a tablet 'most of the time'. Plenty of people don't and their 8 year olds have, you know, actual toys and stuff. I think that a kid that age spending a lot of time on a table is a bit dim, but different strokes and all that ...

Agree 8yo still have loads of barbies etc. The ipad situation won't kick in til thry are 13 or so

harry i dont have an 8yo but i know quite a few.

Wind your neck in.

Also i think everyone saying shell get to 13 and offer the baby her room are somewhat optimistic / deluded.

If she is spoilt (sounds like it) always gets what she wants do you really think shes going to offer a small child a "better" room?

Wind your neck in.

Oh dear flamingo, you seem a little tense.

Perhaps, if you don't have an 8 year old, you don't really know what you're talking about.

Why don't you and your partner have the box room that way both children have a big room. Then no child will feel that one has more space than the other.

@HarrySnotter I agree re flamingo

YANBU but because this is mumsnet and you’re a step mum, that makes you evil

He’s being hypocritical. He left her and only wants her every other weekend and is now suddenly concerned about hurting her feelings?