To invite all girls but one?

[ForeignnessAlert]

On the basis that she's been to our house twice and has twice stolen things?
Came to DD's party last year and pocketed a handful of "little bits" of DD's present pile (stamp, sweets, lip balm). Didn't say anything as I put it down to over excitement and novelty of being at a party without parents and I was carrying the cake through when I saw her so it would have mad a scene.
She came over last week after school. DD has been a bit miserable and today was upset when she came out of school. This girl (S) had given another girl (J) a present. Which just happens to be a Lego figure exactly the same as the Lego figure from one of DD's most loved and played with sets which is missing. I've turned the place upside down and can't find it so am pretty sure it's not here. I've spoken to
J's mum to ask her if J has it and if she does to ask who gave it to her.

I need to organise DD's party soon. There are 5 girls in her year group in the class, so would it be really wrong of me to not let DD invite her and say she should invite one of the 6 boys instead?

Personally with such a small class I would do almost anything in my power not to leave one kid out. It’s fuelling a difficult and divisive dynamic that can only hurt DD in the end.

I would let the parent get on with dealing with the light fingered child and focus on
A) getting the Lego back - if it doesn’t come home from school today I would politely ask mum to return it immediately and
B) getting 121 supervision for the kid at the party - either from her mum (I think you could have this discussion with her as it is all in the open) or someone else.

Good luck.

Agree @ElevenSmiles. Perfect parents judging a little child so they can feel superior........ hope she won’t be bullied, I think that ship has sailed x

Do you know what OP- I think you've handled this wonderfully.

I had something similar done to me as a child and whilst my mum did phone the mum of the child involved, obviously everything was denied. My mum completely invalidated my own feelings by continuing to invite this child to our house as she was friends with the mum (consequently more things were taken.) It made me feel like shit as a child. I had to deal with the consequences of the theft but there was absolutely no consequences for the other child AND I still had to be friends with them.

Good on you for taking a stand.

I'd put the ball in the other mum's camp. I'd say something like,

"So, it's DD's birthday party next week, and DD wanted to invite all the girls, but now she's a bit anxious about inviting your DD because she's worried that her toys are going to get stolen again.
I really don't like the idea of leaving one child out, so I wondered if you had any thoughts about how we could make sure this doesn't happen again."

If she can't come up with a solution that satisfies you, DD doesn't get an invite.

Speak to the teacher so that school are aware of what is going on.

As for the party, yikes, in such a small class it is difficult. Does your daughter want her to come? Would she prefer a party would just E?

If you invite them all, I think you have a right to ask to speak to S in front of her mother and say that it is unacceptable she took your daughter's things and she can only come if she promises not to do this again.

Do you know R? I would hesitate to exclude her and S, as R may well already feel isolated in the class if the other girls are not really her 'people'. (My daughter was in this situation.. all girls parties except mine because mine played with the boys... left her more isolated when she was already isolated due to the fact that the girls didn't include her so she stuck like glue to her bestie who was a boy, he was also slightly marginalised due to not being of the same mould as the other boys, vicious circle, no easy answer. Sorry to add R into the picture but worth including in your thinking.)

@LJDorothy
The girl isn't being a bully at all. That's utter nonsense. Your suggestion that your daughter and her friend ignore her in school is bullying behaviour and you're an adult. This is a little girl of just turned 7, not a criminal mastermind. And she didn't keep the toy. She gave it to your daughter's friend, who kept it and seems to be getting away scot free in your eyes because you get on better with her mother. Doesn't the fact this child gave the toy away suggest to you that she might be struggling in some way? I'm clearly in a minority of one but I would invite her to the party.

Very wise words Dorothy!. I am a little shocked at the amount of posters calling a six year old a little thief/tea leaf etc etc. OP is encouraging her own child to exclude her from the friendship group as is the other mother. A six year old isn't going to understand this harsh lesson. My overwhelming instinct is pity. Poor little chick.

I have to say that although I hate the idea of leaving a child out, I wouldn't invite back a child who had recently stolen something from the house.

I don’t think you have to be a perfect parent to have taught a 7 year old child not to steal tbh. Most children grasp that at a lot younger.
There’s obviously something wrong in her life and I do feel sorry for her that she hasn’t been taught better and people will obviously distance themselves from her if she takes things from their homes.
But to everyone saying she deserves a second chance - she has already had it. She has stolen from the ops dd twice (to the ops knowledge). How many times would you allow a child to steal from your child? I honestly don’t believe that anyone would continue to invite a child round who you have to follow constantly to make sure they’re not taking anything.
If the children remain friends then I’d reassess when they’re older. But don’t be guilted into allowing this child to steal from your dd again op.

I notice the people who are feeling sorry for the girl who stole don’t have any sympathy for the ops dd who has had the upset of someone she trusted stealing her toys.
Not only do they expect her not to fall out with her friend over it (which isn’t bullying by the way) but they also expect her to spend her party worrying about whether any of her new things are going to go missing.
The ops dd is also ‘only little’ and deserves to be able to choose to play with children who are kind to her.

That's not remotely true. People can feel bad for 2 kids at once, I can it's a talent of mine.

But you think the feelings of a child who has stolen from the ops house should take priority over those of her own child?

Pork don’t think that’s the general consensus if it was a massive class I think the answers would be different. It’s a tiny class and it wd be very hard on S. that is the original question !!!! Most people won’t have scrolled through all the answers . if OP dd’s birthday Would be utterly ruined then absolutely prioritise DD. If it’s all a bit wishy washy I would invite her given the class size I would use it to teach my child some compassion and I’d probably have a word with S or her Mum or both as other people suggested. I utterly object to hearing a 7 year old called a thief for a bit of Lego.

Plus my friend didn’t steal to be unkind she wasn’t sure why but she was brought up mainly by her dad and a Mum with MH issues and impulse took over as friend had so many pretty things. She didn’t grow up to mastermind any bank jobs !!!

Tbh I wouldn’t really care in the ops position if this girl grows up to be some great robber. I’d be more concerned about my child’s stuff going missing now!
Of course it would spoil her birthday to invite this other girl. She doesn’t want her there and is upset with her. She will also likely be worried about any small gifts going astray.
Also she or her mother or another guest would have to be watching the child like a hawk instead of enjoying the party.
If you would put another child who has stolen from yours before your own child on their birthday I feel sorry for them. And I very much doubt anyone would in real life despite what they say on here.

U definitely would being that there is so few of them but I would speak to S or her Mum or both. I wouldn’t if my DD was distraught which she wouldn’t be because I put humans above trinkets .

U = I

*I'd put the ball in the other mum's camp. I'd say something like,

"So, it's DD's birthday party next week, and DD wanted to invite all the girls, but now she's a bit anxious about inviting your DD because she's worried that her toys are going to get stolen again.
I really don't like the idea of leaving one child out, so I wondered if you had any thoughts about how we could make sure this doesn't happen again."

If she can't come up with a solution that satisfies you, DD doesn't get an invite.*

I agree with this. If S’s mum couldn’t think of any ideas I’d probably suggest she comes along to keep an eye on S.

Alternatively, I’d be having a serious word with S at the start of the party myself about how taking other people’s things is not ok, you know she did it before, you’re giving her a chance to show she won’t do it again.

It doesn’t sound like S is horrible or badly behaved in any other ways so I would hope a bit of a stern word and knowing another parent is aware of the previous stealing would be enough to nip it in the bud.

I wouldn’t leave S off the invite list, nor would I be encouraging my own daughter to turn against S and decide she is awful (as you have fairly clearly been doing OP).

Totally agree the girls “sorting it out between themselves” is unacceptable.

I personally couldn’t have her in my house. It’s your DD’s birthday, why should you be having to constantly watch her friend and take the attention away from your dd

The kind thing to do is give the girl another chance, hopefully she has learned not to steal, but it's not great for her if she's not able to redeem herself.

But I would take her aside at the beginning and say you know that she took the lego pieces, and that wasn't very nice, but you know she's a good girl really so youre giving her another chance. Ask her to promise to leave all DDs toys in her bedroom and make it clear if she does it again she won't be invited back.

At the end of the party when they're all finished make a point of saying to all the kids "now are we sure we don't have any toys by mistake".

If she steals again then there's probably nothing you can do as the mother clearly won't act but I think she should at least be given another chance.

Maybe the mum didn’t put the same level of importance on the Lego figures as you did and hasn’t realised how much it’s affected your dd. Not that it’s an excuse, especially now she knows but seven is still quite young, and if the class is that small that sort of judgment might stay with her a long time and have a long term effect. Please give her another chance

I absolutely wouldn’t have her back in the house. No invitation. You’re not leaving her out to be mean, you’re leaving her out because she stole. Twice.

Yes, S did apologise. I saw her at lunchtime and she scuttled past with her head down.
I asked DD last night about invites. She said her best friend, S. Then paused and asked if S would take anything again. I said I hoped not but I wouldn't be able to keep an eye on her all the time. DD suggested asking best friend's mum to help!! (She did last year) But I'm not comfortable telling another parent about it, doesn't seem fair. DD then said maybe one of the boys instead, so I suggested the other girl, R, who is his best friend.
That would make DD and best friend (girl), boy D and girl R, boy L who gets on with my DS; meaning she would invite 2 girls and 2 boys. And neither J nor S would be invited.

Like many other posters, I do feel sorry for S, but she did need a steer away from a damaging habit, and I think this will hopefully make her realise that she can't carry on like this. Significant that she didn't keep her haul, but used it as a currency to buy friendship. There seem to be issues there, but not for you to solve.
She was clearly aware that she did something wrong, unlike an impulsive toddler, and sometimes the knowledge that they have been rumbled can be enough of a shock to pull children up short.
Letting the matter pass was not an option; if she had continued unchecked, she would have developed a bad name among her peers, and they would eventually deal with it in their own way, without the constraints of tact and empathy an adult can feel. It can be scary when the pack turns!
Your DD has been given a voice, and a compromise reached where it's no longer an "all girls" issue.

So scissorsandpen the ops 6yr old dd being upset that her friend has stolen from her means the op puts trinkets before people????
A 6yr old being upset that a trusted friend has stolen from them shows only that they are having an entirely normal and healthy emotional reaction. It is an upsetting thing to happen.
How odd that you wouldn’t expect your child to care about a friend stealing from them.