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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To invite all girls but one?

204 replies

ForeignnessAlert · 25/01/2019 15:05

On the basis that she's been to our house twice and has twice stolen things?
Came to DD's party last year and pocketed a handful of "little bits" of DD's present pile (stamp, sweets, lip balm). Didn't say anything as I put it down to over excitement and novelty of being at a party without parents and I was carrying the cake through when I saw her so it would have mad a scene.
She came over last week after school. DD has been a bit miserable and today was upset when she came out of school. This girl (S) had given another girl (J) a present. Which just happens to be a Lego figure exactly the same as the Lego figure from one of DD's most loved and played with sets which is missing. I've turned the place upside down and can't find it so am pretty sure it's not here. I've spoken to
J's mum to ask her if J has it and if she does to ask who gave it to her.

I need to organise DD's party soon. There are 5 girls in her year group in the class, so would it be really wrong of me to not let DD invite her and say she should invite one of the 6 boys instead?

OP posts:
SchadenfreudePersonified · 27/01/2019 12:21

Personally I feel sorry for her.

I feel sorry for S too - I felt sorry for the child who stole from my DD - but at the saw time my DD was so distressed that someone she knew and trusted could do a thing like that, that there was no way I was going to risk it happening again.

My DD didn't want to have anything to do with her friend any more outside school (It was the friend's sister that stole) and eventually they stopped playing together in school, too. (I neither encouraged nor discouraged this.)

It was sad for the children in that family (all of them), but the wasn't my responsibility. My DD was.

PorkPatrol · 27/01/2019 12:39

I can only assume those laying the guilt trip on the op have light fingered kids themselves.
This child has stolen from the op twice. The mum doesn’t seem bothered. If the op continues to invite her to her house she’s giving the impression she isn’t bothered either.
The girl is clearly not mature enough to be left to her own devices in someone else’s home. The op isn’t suggesting her child never speak to her again. Just that she isn’t going to invite a child who has repeatedly stolen from her to her house again. How is that unreasonable? Why should she have to follow a 7 year old around to make sure she isn’t thieving rather than enjoy her own dds party?
And you couldn’t follow her everywhere - you’d have to make sure there was nothing in the bathroom she could take for eg. Far too much hassle just to accommodate a child who steals.

ElevenSmiles · 27/01/2019 13:22

The other mom didn't react the way the OP expected that doesn't mean she wasn't bothered. OP does seem to be enjoying the drama a little too much......arrange a play date with J.....I'd call that stoking the fire.

MsTSwift · 27/01/2019 14:04

Unkind comment. Are you the light fingered child’s mum?

LJdorothy · 27/01/2019 16:31

Some 6 and 7 year olds will take things that don't belong to them when the opportunity arises. In class, little things that take children's fancy, like marbles or beads, often end up in pockets or school bags. They ARE only learning right from wrong and sometimes impulse wins. Those calling the child a thief, how would you feel if, in the circumstances I've described, the teacher labelled your child a thief and wouldn't let them take part in a treat? Cut the child some slack, for heavens sake. She isn't going to steal the telly.

PorkPatrol · 27/01/2019 20:59

No she’s not going to steal the telly. But she could take a valuable piece of jewellery for eg. She probably wouldn’t know the difference between that and dress up stuff.
You might be relaxed about it when it’s school marbles that are going missing - not quite the same as having stuff stolen from your own home.

PorkPatrol · 27/01/2019 21:02

And I absolutely wouldn’t expect my child to be invited back to a house when they’d stolen from there twice! I’d also expect them to be disciplined for stealing from school - they would be disciplined at home!
I’ve never had a child steal from my house and I’ve had many children on many play dates (and yes my kids would know if one of their little toys had gone). I don’t think it’s normal behaviour at 7 if children are brought up decently.

LJdorothy · 27/01/2019 21:20

I buy the marbles, beads and small toys with my own money. They aren't school property, they are mine, so it isn't a massive difference is it? And of course I'd speak to the child about how it isn't the right thing to do, but I wouldn't call a small child a thief, the way some people on here are doing. This little girl took toys from the OPs house and because nobody challenged her behaviour she did it again. But she gave what she'd taken to another child so she wasn't motivated by greed. Something else is going on. Her mother has now has the chance to speak to her so it's unlikely to happen a third time. She's not one of Fagin's pickpockets for heaven's sake.

ElevenSmiles · 27/01/2019 21:31

Pork ...Did you frisk then on the way out.....

PorkPatrol · 27/01/2019 21:39

Of course it’s different. Do you leave your jewellery box lying around your classroom? Your purse?
The op is not being unreasonable to not want a child who has stolen from her multiple times in her home.

ElevenSmiles · 27/01/2019 21:39

them

HauntedPencil · 27/01/2019 21:40

It's bad but she is a kid. You'll have to tell her mum and see what happens

Hopefully she will sort this out and get the things back. In terms of not inviting her I suppose it's what you think after the mums reaction. It it's dealt with well & she's really sorry or if it's minimised.

HauntedPencil · 27/01/2019 21:43

LOL at fagins pickpocket.

DS tried to steal some sweets from the shop when he was smaller, it does happen. I gave him a very big talking to and he went back to apologise. If he'd not been caught & had the row he might have done it a few times.

Never since though which will hopefully be the case for this little girl.

scissorsandpen · 27/01/2019 22:02

I wasnt advocating always having S round all the time and forcing a friendship especially if op DD now doesn’t want to play although I do think that has been influenced however unintentional. The question was should I invite all the girls but one and it would have to be exceptional circumstances for me to think that’s something that should be done to a 7 year old. I don’t agree with calling this very young girl a thief either Lj mentioned impulse winning over right from wrong and that’s a more accurate description.

Some of you have been especially venomous about a young child we know nothing about.

scissorsandpen · 27/01/2019 22:03

Oh and no pork I don’t have a light fingered child.

PorkPatrol · 27/01/2019 22:14

The op has said she won’t be leaving one child out.

PorkPatrol · 27/01/2019 22:18

Whether she’s a child or not I couldn’t have someone in my home who I couldn’t trust and be constantly wondering whether I need to put stuff out of reach.
If lack of maturity is being used as an excuse (which is a push for an mt child of 7 imo) then I think the mum of the other child needs to accept that she’s not yet mature enough to be dropped and left at play dates.

IvyChime · 27/01/2019 22:26

One of my friends did this to me when we were little, my mum didn't confront her, as she didn't want to upset he or me (i didn't know it was happening) but she went straight to her mother, who confronted her about it and she NEVER did it again.

shiveringtimber · 27/01/2019 22:39

I would definitely not invite her. She will know why she's being excluded and hopefully this will make her think twice before helping herself to other people's belongings. You're actually doing her a favour in the long run.

ElevenSmiles · 27/01/2019 22:53

So much spite towards a 7 yr old.....I'm glad I don't know all you perfect parents with your perfect kids......

junebirthdaygirl · 27/01/2019 23:34

I agree with dorthy. For goodness sake this is a child. All children have to learn. And ultimately as a society we are responsible for all children not just our own. I do hope when your perfect children put one foot wrong in whatever circumstance people will have a bit more mercy than ye have.
All children make mistakes and thats how they learn.
Shocked at peoples attitude.
Maybe its because we are teachers we see everyday how a child has to learn and its through these events that they are shaped. If a school was to dump your child on their first misdeed it would be a sorry day.

Coyoacan · 28/01/2019 00:26

I too think that the child shouldn't be invited around, but being a small child I wouldn't permanently label her either. She could well learn her lesson or grow out of this behaviour in a few months time.

Original poster
ForeignnessAlert · 28/01/2019 07:03

But it sounds a bit like you're encouraging your dd to cut herself off from part of her friendship group. In whose benefit is this?
No, I don't want to do this, I do want to show her more this:
that DD taking control and not allowing people to treat her badly
that she doesn't have to be friends with someone who is mean to her just because there are so few girls in the class. I have not told my DD not to play with S. I have told her it's ok if she feels she wants space from S and she can say to her e.g. "you upset me when you took my things". I have also said what MonsterKidz said about forgiving her and that sometimes people do silly things without thinking and we can still be friends. But that DD has to decide what she feels with happy with and I'll agree with whatever she decides.

She gave it to your daughter's friend, who kept it and seems to be getting away scot free in your eyes because you get on better with her mother.. She's not, I know that! And if you'd asked me before this had happened, I'd have said I had more in common with S's mum and knew her better than J's. It's not a case of getting on better with the mother, we all know each other just from chatting at the school gates. I know J has had consequences over the weekend as her mum told me.

I do feel sorry for S, but, yes, my DD is more important to me and she was very upset.

Those calling the child a thief, how would you feel if, in the circumstances I've described, the teacher labelled your child a thief and wouldn't let them take part in a treat? Well, to be honest, I would support that.

I can leave the invites til the end of the week, but I do need to get them out soon. I will see how the next few days go at school and then see.

OP posts:
RhiWrites · 28/01/2019 07:24

Mumsnet has an obsession with not leaving anyone out of parties.

But what about “consequences”, another favourite theme here. If you steal or “take things” from someone else you don’t get invited to their house again. Not until you e shown you’ve changed your ways.

That really seems like a good rule/consequence and one to prepare you for adult life.

MetalMidget · 28/01/2019 07:42

I feel sorry for the little girl - she's obviously got something going on if she's repeatedly stealing. But the OP and her daughter should be able to enjoy the party without the stress of having to watch one attendee like a hawk. I guess it'll depend on how S deals with it - if she's apologetic, or if she acts like nothing has happened.

There used to be a thief in my primary school - everyone knew she was stealing stuff, but she got away with it for over a year before a teacher checked her bag. It was full of pens, chocolate bars, etc. The final straw had been when she'd stolen a diabetic girl's Mars bar. Her mom was informed, and she checked at home and found a shoebox full of stolen stationery and small toys under her bed. I always wondered what happened to her, whether she grew out of it.

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