To invite all girls but one?

[ForeignnessAlert]

On the basis that she's been to our house twice and has twice stolen things?
Came to DD's party last year and pocketed a handful of "little bits" of DD's present pile (stamp, sweets, lip balm). Didn't say anything as I put it down to over excitement and novelty of being at a party without parents and I was carrying the cake through when I saw her so it would have mad a scene.
She came over last week after school. DD has been a bit miserable and today was upset when she came out of school. This girl (S) had given another girl (J) a present. Which just happens to be a Lego figure exactly the same as the Lego figure from one of DD's most loved and played with sets which is missing. I've turned the place upside down and can't find it so am pretty sure it's not here. I've spoken to
J's mum to ask her if J has it and if she does to ask who gave it to her.

I need to organise DD's party soon. There are 5 girls in her year group in the class, so would it be really wrong of me to not let DD invite her and say she should invite one of the 6 boys instead?

I know what you mean. But I did make sure rather than just telling her off as I was asked to, I told her what she could have done e.g tell her mum or the teacher immediately.

I don’t see why you should invite her if you don’t want to, she’s not exactly pleasant (although how many girls that she are?) but please try not to enjoy the drama so much. The other mothers must feel like they’ve walked into an episode of the saddle club.

I have seen children of this age become pariahs as their reputation becomes more widely known; in the mild chaos of a busy classroom, it becomes easier for the careless child to jump to the conclusion that "S has stolen my special rubber/best pencil/stickers" than to tidy up properly and look around more carefully, and it can be awful, when something goes missing, to see a whole class turn and glare at the one with "form".

Very good point twosheds

I'm not say you didn't handle it correctly. Apologies if it came off that way!

I'd just have been a little at any parent telling me to tell off their child or saying that XX's mum is going to give you a telling off or whatever.

Had a person in a 'friendship group' who was famous for this! One minute she'd be giving you the stink eye if you asked her child to stop doing something as it was 'her job' to discipline her child (which she didn't). The next day she'd be dragging her child over telling them "XX is going to give you such a telling off for pushing/hitting her DS!".

Couldn't win for losing!

I hope S doesn't end up being bullied...

Me too, but at the moment my DD takes priority. I don't want DD to think that her being upset doesn't matter and insist she has to play with S. I will talk to her tomorrow again and remind her of the "you don't have to be friends with everyone but you do have to be kind to everyone". But at the same time let her know it's ok if she wants to distance herself from S for a bit.

You say at the moment my DD takes priority

But it sounds a bit like you're encouraging your dd to cut herself off from part of her friendship group. In whose benefit is this? I'm dubious that encouraging your dd to ostracize S at school and from the party will help your dd to have happy and settled group friendships. It sounds like a small group of girls and as soon as parents get involved saying X isn't allowed to play with Y the ramifications can be disastrous.

Instead I'd encourage dd never to take anything to school that she would be upset about losing and watch S like a hawk at the party after giving a friendly explanation to S that in your house she is not allowed to take anything that a grownup didn't give her.

BTW you just don't know what's going on in S's life. The loveliest of families with the most lavish of lifestyles can still be going through private hell. Stealing in children is often a symptom of unhappiness.

I feel sorry for S a bit, sounds like the inadequate parenting she's getting could lose her friends too, and she sounds like a kid who needs them.

I don't think it's helpful to bandy about the bullying word. Bullying is sustained picking on one person - it doesn't sound like OP's daughter on the receiving end of that.

TBH I would probably say outright to S's mum that your DD deserves an apology (because that is true regardless of whether they are "only learning").

I personally don’t think you’ve handled this in your daughter’s best interests OP, and I have a suspicion you really don’t like S regardless of the stealing.

Dealing it by putting your DD first would have meant picking S up on her stealing last year; asking J if she’d asjed for the figures or if S had given them to her with no prompting from J; and firmly telling S’s mum that you expect S to apologise to your DD and would like this to be done privately with both you mothers present.

S is 7. It doesn’t sound like the mothering she’s getting is great, and for me that would be all the more reason to handle it firmly and as non-emotively as possible.

I was in your DDs position at the same age (things stolen from my house and both kept and given to other friends at school) it’s awful. Please don’t underestimate how bad it could make your DD feel and the affect it could have on her.

My mum handled it similarly to you (the other girl’s mum was mortified and made her write letters to say sorry and paid me back for the things that had not been found).

I do wish though that I’d been encouraged to say it’s ok not to be friends with someone who steals from you and makes you feel bad.

My mum gave me the choice to carry on the friendship if I wanted to and I sort of felt as she’d apologised etc that I had to (I did want to as well as the girl was good fun when she wasn’t stealing and I enjoyed her company, etc).
The thing is though, people who are horrible to you, whether it’s a friend who bullies you or an abusive relationship are often nice for sometimes 90% of the time. It’s a good lesson that if they treat you badly for ‘just’ 10% of the time that you don’t have to put up with it.

I wish my mum had took the decision out of my hands and said I couldn’t be friends with her outside school. Or at least encouraged me to make that decision.

I'm dubious that encouraging your dd to ostracize S at school and from the party will help your dd to have happy and settled group friendships
I would say the opposite, that DD taking control and not allowing people to treat her badly will give her opportunity to make really good friendships.

Poor S written off at age 7 and mainly due to her parents response which may well be the bigger picture. I guess it’s another story of your DD doesn’t like her and if you invite a mix and not all the friendship group bar S then it’s not too bad. Personally I feel sorry for her.

Why shoukd op dd watch her like a hawk at her own party, when she shoukd be enjoying herself, it is not op or dd responsibility! I woukd have a smaller party, and invite those girls she is closer too.

@Kardashianlove

I had a very similar experience at the same age too. Fortunatly the parents of one friend (who was a friend) asked her where she got the toys from... Thus dobbing in friend2 who was really just bullying me. Turns out she had done it to other girls too. Her mum was mortified and w erything was returned. It was very upsetting at the time.

@scissorsandpen

S is being a bully and a thief. Why should OPs daughter have to suffer? Perhaps S's parents should intervene.

I pretty much just said that OP DD comes first I just feel sorry she is only 7 and as I mentioned with my friend there was a bigger picture.

The girl isn't being a bully at all. That's utter nonsense. Your suggestion that your daughter and her friend ignore her in school is bullying behaviour and you're an adult. This is a little girl of just turned 7, not a criminal mastermind. And she didn't keep the toy. She gave it to your daughter's friend, who kept it and seems to be getting away scot free in your eyes because you get on better with her mother. Doesn't the fact this child gave the toy away suggest to you that she might be struggling in some way? I'm clearly in a minority of one but I would invite her to the party.

LJ no you’re clearly not in a minority of one as you’ll see if you read my and some others’ comments.

A little girl stealing things to then pass on to someone else? Something is wrong for this girl. She’s trying to fix it in her own way. Poor thing.

The girls should not be sorting it out themselves. If this was my child, I would read them the riot act and get the toys back. I wouldn’t invite her based on her and her mum’s behaviour and I’d let them both know why

Exactly.

6 and 7 year olds sorting something like this out themselves? The other mother is having a laugh. It's not going to happen. She hasn't handled this properly at all and it's probably one of the reasons the girl keeps stealing.

My own DD's feelings would definitely come first, and this means the thief would not be invited into our/DD's home, especially for something as special as her birthday celebration.

You should've pulled her up on the first time she stole your DD's belongings. Either when her mother picked her up, or called her immediately after the last guest had left. I'd be very upset with my parent(s) if I discovered they'd allowed someone back into my/our house when they knew the person had already stolen from me.

I absolutely would invite her, so long as your DD wishes to obviously.

I’d talk to your DD about trust and friendship and how sometimes people do things we don’t like or expect and how we can forgive them if we chose to and how it then can take time to trust them again completely, but that if we can, then what a wonderful learning experience!

If the girl does come, or before the party of the occasion arises, id make a big show of saying oh how wonderful you two are friends still, id hate for something to come
Between you and DD was so upset about her things and I know you can appreciate how that feels etc.

Sometimes you find by trusting and forgiving that the child rises to the occasion. Maybe they’ve never experienced that before.

Just my take. But I certainly wouldn’t be alienating a friend because of a few minor misdemeanors, the first of which you didn’t even take any action on. And I mean that in the nicest way, but if it had bothered you that much, you would have challenged the child quickly after the cake had been dealt with and not let it happen.

Sorry if I’ve missed it but who does your daughter want to invite? Does she want to invite all 5 girls or not?

Did she realise you’d seen her steal from the party last year.. If you saw but let it go, did she think what she’d done was okay?

I know you couldn’t have addressed it while carrying the cake But later, before she left. Did you accidentally give her the message that it was ok, so she did it again.

Maybe DD can invite 3 girls and 2 boys, since it sounds like 2 of the girls aren’t great to her.

I think @monsterkidz put that really well !