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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To invite all girls but one?

204 replies

ForeignnessAlert · 25/01/2019 15:05

On the basis that she's been to our house twice and has twice stolen things?
Came to DD's party last year and pocketed a handful of "little bits" of DD's present pile (stamp, sweets, lip balm). Didn't say anything as I put it down to over excitement and novelty of being at a party without parents and I was carrying the cake through when I saw her so it would have mad a scene.
She came over last week after school. DD has been a bit miserable and today was upset when she came out of school. This girl (S) had given another girl (J) a present. Which just happens to be a Lego figure exactly the same as the Lego figure from one of DD's most loved and played with sets which is missing. I've turned the place upside down and can't find it so am pretty sure it's not here. I've spoken to
J's mum to ask her if J has it and if she does to ask who gave it to her.

I need to organise DD's party soon. There are 5 girls in her year group in the class, so would it be really wrong of me to not let DD invite her and say she should invite one of the 6 boys instead?

OP posts:
Original poster
ForeignnessAlert · 25/01/2019 20:57

I don't know zzzzz
J said S gave them to her.
S said J asked if she could have them.

OP posts:
zzzzz · 25/01/2019 21:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cherrysherbet · 25/01/2019 21:04

This is a tricky one. The girl is obviously in the wrong, and I can’t understand why she did it. Attention maybe? I guess you don’t really know what her home life is like. It’s not usual behaviour for a 7yr old. The mums response is a little odd, and this makes me wonder if there is a bigger picture here.

I can understand why posters are saying don’t invite here, but tbh I would be inclined to include her. Everyone deserves a second chance, don’t they? I mean she’s 7 for goodness sake. She’s been caught out, and she needs the opportunity to behave differently, surely?

I’d have her come to the party, then after that not arrange anymore play dates if your dd doesn’t want to.

Original poster
ForeignnessAlert · 25/01/2019 21:08

Everyone deserves a second chance, don’t they?
This was her second chance.

OP posts:
scissorsandpen · 25/01/2019 21:12

Little thief unicorn jeez oh give the kid a break !!

scissorsandpen · 25/01/2019 21:22

As I said see my story friend had plenty of money but essentially brought up by Dad no obvious issues to outside world. Also another poster mentioned same thing with playmobile figures . You guys are acting like the kids cased the house !!!

ElevenSmiles · 25/01/2019 21:38

6/7 is very young......Too young to stick a label on.

Aeroflotgirl · 25/01/2019 21:44

Eleven not too young to learn that stealing is wrong, and to pull them up on it, not to laugh it off saying kids are kids.

ElevenSmiles · 25/01/2019 22:03

I wouldn't laugh it off...neither would I take a sledgehammer to crack a nut.

Aeroflotgirl · 25/01/2019 22:27

I agree, that's why I would invite her and have boundaries in place.

Miane · 25/01/2019 22:55

I’d be more likely to invite her back if I thought her Mum had taken it seriously and spoken to her seriously about it. But given that it sounds like she just brushed off and minimised two occasions of theft I wouldn’t want the girl back in my home.

J’s Mother sounds suitably appalled and hopefully J has learned a lesson. I don’t think S learned anything at all.

ElevenSmiles · 25/01/2019 23:25

Mom of S has apologised on behalf of her daughter....S will speak to friends Monday, what more does OP want.....

Original poster
ForeignnessAlert · 26/01/2019 06:03

I'm going to call J's mum later today to let her know. Thinking about it, I've met S's mum three times at the school pick-up since S came to play and she never mentioned it once, not even to check DD had the toys back.

Yes, J's mum reacted in my kind of style!

OP posts:
PorkPatrol · 26/01/2019 08:04

To the people who are saying watch her closely and check her pockets on leaving I think it would be impossible to watch closely enough constantly to ensure she didn’t grab anything little and dd managed to smuggle a small toy home from nursery in her knickers once so I’m well aware that if there is a will there’s a way!
Also I don’t think it’s fair to expect the op to spend her dds party eyeballing a child who might steal from her rather than concentrating on her dd.
Plus the girl obviously isn’t being taught that stealing is a no no at home. Not being invited somewhere again when you’ve stolen from them twice is a good lesson learned I think. They can still be friends at school or even meet in a neutral location but I don’t think you can expect the op to invite her to her home. She has already had 2 chances!

PorkPatrol · 26/01/2019 08:22

Also if kids aren’t able to understand not to steal they’re not really old enough for play dates or to be left at parties. If a child is dropped off without a parent the implication is that they can be left to play without stealing, deliberately damaging stuff, chugging your bathroom bleach etc. If you’ve offered to mind a toddler that’s different and you are signing up to a higher level of supervision.
If you thought the mum would be supportive and make sure it didn’t happen again I’d maybe invite on the condition the mum stayed. But as her attitude is that stealing is just one of those things kids do I wouldn’t trust her supervise properly.

MsTSwift · 26/01/2019 08:39

That’s a good point pork. She isn’t able to cope with going to others houses and has proved this twice. Until her parents actually step in act it’s unfair for other families to have to deal with the consequences of their laissez faire attitude esp on a party day.

dulcefarniente · 26/01/2019 08:52

Don't invite her. You have too much on your plate to closely supervise her at the party and you need to be able to concentrate on making sure your dd has a good time. S's mum will realise why her dd hasn't been invited and it's then down to her to either use this to attempt to change her dd's behaviour or continue to brush it off.

Miane · 26/01/2019 09:00

Mom of S has apologised on behalf of her daughter....S will speak to friends Monday, what more does OP want...

An acknowledgment from S’s parents that this behaviour is unacceptable and an undertaking that it won’t ever happen again Eleven

Personally if it had been my kid I’d have driven her round to J’s to collect the toys, and then delivered them with an apology and a box of chocolates to the OP.

But then I would have been both mortified and furious.

S’s Mum sounds neither.

rainbowstardrops · 26/01/2019 09:13

I don't think S's mum has acted very well at all. Yes she might have apologised on her daughter's behalf but she should have contacted J's mum and explained the situation and made sure she got the items back because after all, it was her daughter that stole them!
Brushing it off and telling you the girls need to sort it out themselves is lazy parenting!
I'm glad that J's mum acted like she did though. Hopefully J will have learned something from this.
Sadly, I don't think that S will have learned anything going by her mum's attitude.
Having said that, I'm not sure if I could leave her out of the party if she'll be the only girl not to be invited but I'd be making it quite clear to her when she arrives that she is not to take anything!

twoshedsjackson · 26/01/2019 09:13

It sounds as if S is heading for a situation where she has a wider reputation as a thief; her DM should be thanking you for discreetly nipping this nonsense in the bud!
If she is not invited, and firmly but gently told why, there's more of a chance of stopping this behaviour. Possibly trying to work out why she's doing it, but delving into her innermost soul is not your role in this particular situation.
I have seen children of this age become pariahs as their reputation becomes more widely known; in the mild chaos of a busy classroom, it becomes easier for the careless child to jump to the conclusion that "S has stolen my special rubber/best pencil/stickers" than to tidy up properly and look around more carefully, and it can be awful, when something goes missing, to see a whole class turn and glare at the one with "form". This is what the child's mother is heading for, unless she intervenes and quells her DD's magpie tendencies. It sounds as if J's DM has realised this!

Morgan12 · 26/01/2019 09:32

I still think you should invite her. She has been caught and hopefully disciplined now and may not do it again. It's not fair to leave one out. They are still very young.

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 26/01/2019 12:33

Maybe you could try to ensure J and mum know you don't hold it against them - that you're grateful they took it seriously and that you can see they find it important to be honest - as you say, it might have really shaken them.
Invite them round for a play?

ElevenSmiles · 26/01/2019 15:08

Miane....I wouldn't be mortified or furious, I would be disappointed, what I wouldn't do is haul my child up in front of the OP so she could vent at her, as for my apology I know that wouldn't be sufficient I'm not good at grovelling.

Original poster
ForeignnessAlert · 26/01/2019 16:13

DD was being a little madam this morning so I had a chat with her and told her it was ok to feel upset and betrayed. She crumpled, hugged me and said "but I thought she was nice." Sad We've talked about it and she is a lot happier now. I'd put her bad temper since being back at school down to being back at school, but actually it's been this hanging over her as S came over on their third day back. She said "at least I know E would never take my things!" It's hard because it's half her friendship group and she can't understand why S took it.

I think I'm going to try to encourage her to play with some of the kids in the older half of the class and invite a mix of older and younger kids.

J's mum called me again. We've had a chat, I thanked her for bringing J over and I warned her what S's mum had said about the girls sorting it out amongst themselves on Monday in case there will be an upset. She said it's not the first time she has had a problem with S and she'd already told S's mum the next time there was an incident, S won't be welcome at theirs any more. She's also told J she doesn't want her playing with S. I think I'll try to arrange a play date with J in the next couple of weeks because at least I know her mum is on the same parenting page as me.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 26/01/2019 16:22

I sure hope someone is going to give their teacher a head's up about this 'sorting out amongst themselves' come Monday morning!

I'm glad J's mum made her apologize. The only thing I'd take issue with is her mum telling/expecting ME to tell off her child! That's her job, not mine. Mine would be to simply accept J's apology and say 'you've done the right thing, now we're all friends again' or something like that.