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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To invite all girls but one?

204 replies

ForeignnessAlert · 25/01/2019 15:05

On the basis that she's been to our house twice and has twice stolen things?
Came to DD's party last year and pocketed a handful of "little bits" of DD's present pile (stamp, sweets, lip balm). Didn't say anything as I put it down to over excitement and novelty of being at a party without parents and I was carrying the cake through when I saw her so it would have mad a scene.
She came over last week after school. DD has been a bit miserable and today was upset when she came out of school. This girl (S) had given another girl (J) a present. Which just happens to be a Lego figure exactly the same as the Lego figure from one of DD's most loved and played with sets which is missing. I've turned the place upside down and can't find it so am pretty sure it's not here. I've spoken to
J's mum to ask her if J has it and if she does to ask who gave it to her.

I need to organise DD's party soon. There are 5 girls in her year group in the class, so would it be really wrong of me to not let DD invite her and say she should invite one of the 6 boys instead?

OP posts:

BowBeau · 25/01/2019 17:14

After the mum’s unsatisfactory response I think you’re justified in not inviting this girl to your home again. It’s clear that her mum won’t intervene to discipline the girl and ensure the stolen items are returned. She’s making excuses for the girl’s behaviour and it’s obvious she won’t ever be punished or taught to behave better. Next time when her behaviour escalates and she takes cash or jewellery you’ll have these same difficulties in getting them returned.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 25/01/2019 17:17

How old are they?

Giving the mum the benefit of the doubt, she's commuting (possibly?) back from work, and is getting info that is possibly quite shocking to her.

I would speak to her again and say S needs to return the stuff to your DD and apologise.

If that happens, I would draw a line under it and invite her.

If the mum continues to try to draw J into it (and she could be part of the problem) to deflect blame, and refuses to acknowledge that stealing is wrong, and to address it with her daughter, then I would not invite her.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 25/01/2019 17:18

Most DC who steal are missing out on something somewhere.

I agree with this - in spades! This is either a very troubled or a very entitled child.

But either way I would not have her back in the house (something similar happened to my DD - not a friend, but the sister of a friend - my DD was totally heartbroken. Not by the loss itself - the monetary value was negligible (about £3.00 - easily replaced*), but by the fact that someone she knew, who she had played with and considered to be a friend, had done this.

I mentioned it to her mother (In a "I wonder if DD has left XXX at your house? She's come back today and didn't have it with her? Would you mind keeping your eyes open in case it's under a bed/settee/in a cupboard etc " A day later she said I couldn't find XXX, but I know MyDD didn't take it (I hadn't suggested that she had, though that was what I believed) because when she takes stuff she admits it".)

Some years later I discovered that my DD wasn't her only victim. She was a magpie and stole from friends. sister's friends, from school, from chops - anywhere and everywhere, really. It didn't come to light because no-one wanted to make an open accusation - thief is a horrible label to give a child. She and her sisters eventually just didn't get asked anywhere, and no-one asked them to their homes.

She was a very unhappy child, but she wasn't my responsibility. She got pregnant at 15. Don't know what's happening with there now.

*TBH if something cheap had disappeared in my house, I would have apologised (if appropriate) and replaced it.

HappilyHarridan · 25/01/2019 17:19

How is the other mum brushing it off? She believed you spoke to her daughter about it, confirmed it was true apologised etc, what else could she realistically say??

AcrossthePond55 · 25/01/2019 17:20

I'd probably invite S since it's such a small group, but I'd pull her aside and quietly tell her (where the others can't hear) that she is not to 'ask DD for' nor 'help herself' to any of DD's possessions and that I'll be having her empty her pockets before she goes home. To make doubly sure, I'd take her bag and coat (if any) and put them up where they'd have to be retrieved by me just before departure.

S's mum isn't concerned about her daughter's behaviour so you won't get any help from her. Because of that, I wouldn't be concerned about offending her in order to safeguard my child's things.

Stelllastar · 25/01/2019 17:20

Before you updated with mum’s response I’d have said to invite her but she’s completely brushing it off and that’s not fair on your dd or hers as how is she ever supposed to learn not to do these things if her mum can’t discipline her? I’d call the mum back and say that it’s not acceptable to ‘leave it between them’ and say that she has to make sure your dd gets her belongings back

SchadenfreudePersonified · 25/01/2019 17:21

BTW - the mother of this girl was the woman I mentioned on another thread who would go through drawers in other people's houses / read personal letters etc when she nipped to the toilet.

Like mother . . .

I felt very sorry for my DD's friend, who was the nicest of the three girls, but DD was so upset by the theft that there was no way I was going to have anything to do with them again.

IdblowJonSnow · 25/01/2019 17:25

I wouldn't invite her. I wouldn't prioritise someone else's feelings over my own child's on their birthday! Yes, she may have issues but why should your dd suffer?

Coyoacan · 25/01/2019 17:30

One of the many downsides to stealing is that people will cease to invite you to their houses. I feel that the other children also have to see that you don't just get away with stealing and, if you are found out, have to give it back, but that there are longer term consequences.

Of course, it also depends on the ages of the children. They don't really understand about stealing when they are really small.

Aeroflotgirl · 25/01/2019 17:30

I would invite her, but warn her quietly before that she is not to help herself to dd things even if dd says she can. That she will have to be checked on the way out, and if she has sten won't be asked again !

ChasedByBees · 25/01/2019 17:31

The girls should not be sorting it out themselves. If this was my child, I would read them the riot act and get the toys back.

I wouldn’t invite her based on her and her mum’s behaviour and I’d let them both know why.

Aeroflotgirl · 25/01/2019 17:31

Stolen

hellojason · 25/01/2019 17:31

I may have missed it but have you told us how old the girls are? Old enough to know it's wrong to steal I would guess!

This is tricky but I wouldn't leave the tea leaf out of the party if she returns the loot and promises to behave herself - your daughter likes her and sending her to Coventry might make things worse at school. A firm but friendly warning at the start of the party and the occasional long, hard stare should work unless she's hard as nails. I would also make it clear to her glib mother that this is her last invite if there's any more trouble and that the mother needs to support your position. However, the girl may choose not to come if she ( & the mum come to that) feels shamed by being called out on this.

ChasedByBees · 25/01/2019 17:33

@HappilyHarridan she should have said that she would ensure the items were returned, not that this happens and they should sort it out themselves.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 25/01/2019 17:35

No I’d not invite a child who steals from me to a party
And I’d not be getting into any fraught explanations about it either
Your party,keep it light, invite whom you wish

SpringForEver · 25/01/2019 17:35

Could you go to her house and ask for them back?

No way would I allow a thief back into my home. I had some items stolen by a 'friend' once and that was the last time she came to my home. They were brand new items, special to me, she offered them back but I said no as I didn't want to be reminded of a thief.

Ask the boy instead.

Marcipex · 25/01/2019 17:36

Is there anyone you could get to supervise, that you could trust not to gossip, but not be too out of place at the party? A teenage cousin maybe?
And tell the child, in front of her mum, that you're giving her one more chance.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 25/01/2019 17:37

No divorce. Three sisters, nice house, lots of toys

This could be my DD's friend - she was the middle child - her older sister was the tea leaf!

Mother was openly disparaging of all of the girls - always said (in front of them) that she wanted boys and that the third one would have been aborted if she had known the baby was a girl. She put them all on the pill as soon as they started their periods (or so she said).

The tea-leaf, who got pregnant, had a boy so I suppose she got her wish.

StarUtopia · 25/01/2019 17:37

I"d invite her but watch her like a hawk. Literally!

redspottedhankie · 25/01/2019 17:43

OP, if other friend (J) has them and has been read the riot act by her mum, then I presume that J is just going to hand them over to DD on monday? so what does DD have to sort out with S?

Coyoacan · 25/01/2019 17:44

I also think it is very sweet all the people feeling sorry for the child and saying that she should be invited. But as only the parents can change what is wrong in her life and they don't seem interested, maybe the only hope for this child is if she learns once and for all that stealing is totally unacceptable.

ElevenSmiles · 25/01/2019 17:45

How old are the girls ?

PorkPatrol · 25/01/2019 17:46

I wouldn’t invite her over again including the party - the mum will know why. But I also wouldn’t make her the only girl left out.
If you are being honest is your dd really great friends with all the other girls or is inviting all bar one a point scoring exercise?
I’d probably invite a couple of the girls and the boy she is close to.

ThisWayDown · 25/01/2019 17:49

I think that age is really relevant here.
Also, I can’t believe you didn’t say anything to the girl or her mother when she stole last year, and you effectively let her steal some of your DD’s presents.
I do feel for the girl, but also your DD. I think though that replacing her with one boy - this singling him out in the class too - is derisive and provocative.

I’d be telling the mother that I’d want her to tell her daughter that unless she can apologise to your DD and show she understands why she stole, she cannot come to your DD’s party. It should be the mother telling her, not you disinviting her. The suggestion that the mother comes and frisks her is also a good one, but I’d still want the girl to apologise.

MrsJayy · 25/01/2019 17:50

Have you said what age they are if they are 5 i would cut the kid some slack if they are 11 then that is a bit different

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