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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To invite all girls but one?

204 replies

ForeignnessAlert · 25/01/2019 15:05

On the basis that she's been to our house twice and has twice stolen things?
Came to DD's party last year and pocketed a handful of "little bits" of DD's present pile (stamp, sweets, lip balm). Didn't say anything as I put it down to over excitement and novelty of being at a party without parents and I was carrying the cake through when I saw her so it would have mad a scene.
She came over last week after school. DD has been a bit miserable and today was upset when she came out of school. This girl (S) had given another girl (J) a present. Which just happens to be a Lego figure exactly the same as the Lego figure from one of DD's most loved and played with sets which is missing. I've turned the place upside down and can't find it so am pretty sure it's not here. I've spoken to
J's mum to ask her if J has it and if she does to ask who gave it to her.

I need to organise DD's party soon. There are 5 girls in her year group in the class, so would it be really wrong of me to not let DD invite her and say she should invite one of the 6 boys instead?

OP posts:
QueenofallIsee · 25/01/2019 16:40

I wouldn’t ask her I’m afraid. I get that she may have problems but your daughter is upset and has caught the rough end of the behaviour twice that you know of.

Miane · 25/01/2019 16:41

I’m a bit Hmm that you saw a child stealing your DD’s presents and didn’t stop her?!!

I’m also fairly appalled that J accepted what she knew were stolen from her friend. If J was mine she’d be in huge trouble.

I had a child who stole at a birthday party (though food not gifts) She was told off at the time and has never been invited back.

So no, in this case I wouldn’t invite her.

Apple103 · 25/01/2019 16:42

I wouldnt invite her either but I would let her parents know exactly why. A thief is a thief .

AWishForWingsThatWork · 25/01/2019 16:47

I would really struggle to have such a child in my house because the reality is, you CANNOT keep an eye on them the entire time. IT's impossible, especially with a party in full swing.

And even if you caught her trying it on, she could try again later ...

Can you have the party somewhere else?

Original poster
ForeignnessAlert · 25/01/2019 16:47

Ok, so I called S's mum and said, "sorry, it's a bit embarrassing but Dd was upset today because she saw S giving some of her Lego to someone else." S's mum then said she couldn't hear me very well as she was on the train (no problem my end) and could she call me back in ten minutes.

She called back after 15. I explained. She said that she had found them in S's pocket when she'd picked her up and had put them in her school bag the following day and told her to return them to DD. She hadn't checked to see if they were still there. She said she'd called home and spoken to S and she said J asked if she could play with them for a bit and S didn't want or know how to say no. She said she didn't do it to be mean. I said that was ok, but she didn't ask me if she could take them and Even though she had asked Dd, Dd has asked her to put them back. That it wasn't the first time, I'd seen her at the party but I didn't want to say anything as it was party and one occasion I was willing to write off, but this was too much. She said they're young, still learning blah blah. I said I agree, that's why I thought I should call her as if it were the other way, I'd want to know. She apologised on behalf of her daughter and said that the girls should sort it out between themselves on Monday. (Tips on how to prepare DD to stand her ground?)

No divorce. Three sisters, nice house, lots of toys. I did check if I could replace but they're quite specific pieces (creatures) and not replaceable unless you pay silly money for the whole set on eBay.

OP posts:
SaturdayNext · 25/01/2019 16:47

Slightly off the point, but I wouldn't have thought it sensible to invite one lone boy unless you are inviting other boys from outside school.

Original poster
ForeignnessAlert · 25/01/2019 16:49

No, party will be at home. And that's the thing, I cannot keep my eye on her at all times. Nor can I let her come on the basis I search her before she leaves! I can lock my bedroom but I can't lock the DC's things away because I would need to let the kids (especially my Ds) play in the bedrooms.

OP posts:
Original poster
ForeignnessAlert · 25/01/2019 16:49

I know lone boy gets on with DS

OP posts:
grumiosmum · 25/01/2019 16:50

When DS was small we had a situation at a birthday party where another kid stole some Lego pieces he'd been given as a present.

The Mum noticed and made him bring them back & apologise.

I think you should speak to the other Mum.

BlooShampoo · 25/01/2019 16:51

The mum is brushing it off

Doghorsechicken · 25/01/2019 16:52

I wouldn’t invite her. But as you’ve spoken to her mum, if you invite her over I’d just take her aside and tell her that you know she has stolen from DD twice and if it happens again she won’t be able to come over any more. In a nice way obviously. But make sure you let her know you’re aware of her behaviour and you will be keeping an eye on things.

Deadringer · 25/01/2019 16:52

You certainly don't have to invite her but I would. My DD has a friend that I am not keen on, she has been to the house a few times and something always seems to get broken, the last time she was here she took a few small items, one of which bizarrely was the key for my older dds room. I texted her mum and said that she had a few things in her pocket that she had probably taken home by mistake, and got them back the next day. If your DD likes her I wouldn't leave her out, but I would put anything precious away, and keep my eye on her.

Miane · 25/01/2019 16:52

How old are the girls?

floribunda18 · 25/01/2019 16:55

Yes, don't invite her and invite one or two of the boys. It's not a whole class party, it's just a few of DD's friends, she can have who she likes there.

KarmaStar · 25/01/2019 16:55

How old are the dc OP?

KarmaStar · 25/01/2019 16:56

Oops sorry Miane

Yinv · 25/01/2019 16:58

S sounds like a tricky character. Maybe there are problems, maybe she is just a cruel person. Personally I wouldn’t do the party at home.

Because there are so few girls, you’ll escalate the situation if you don’t invite S. That’s why I’d have a party outside of your home and invite S. If S is sneaky and sly as opposed to just acting re problems then you don’t want to be on the receiving end of this behaviour for the next few years

DoJo · 25/01/2019 16:58

This situation won't change- S's mum is seeking out excuses for her daughter's behaviour and even trying to make out as though it was only because she struggled to say no to J that she gave the stolen stuff to her. Someone in that level of denial is only going to get more defensive if you have to contact her again about another missing item, so I'd be tempted to save yourself the hassle.

KarmaStar · 25/01/2019 16:59

As some ok have suggested,invite the girl,it may be she feels embarrassed and will decline,and take her aside when you can do so tactfully and tell her she is not to help herself to anything .hopefully she will respect your words and be t
Pleased she hasn't been left out.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 25/01/2019 17:01

It sounds as though you handled the mother very well but, if the girls do not ‘sort it out between themselves’ on Monday in such a way that your dd gets her Lego figures back, I would call the mother again and say that unfortunately she is going to need to intervene and get her dd to return the taken items. I would probably say ‘taken’ rather than stolen just to allow her to save a little face.
I think that since you have been upfront with the mother, you certainly do not have to invite her dd to a party if the items are not returned.
My dd had a friend like this and I would have to ask her mother to check that my dds belongings had not been ‘accidentally scooped up’ into her bag. We all knew what had really happened and I think she told her dd off but it minimised some of the awkwardness.

Knitwit101 · 25/01/2019 17:05

Ds has a friend with form for taking small things home. His mum found them in his pocket and gave them back and explained what had been going on. It's a regular thing and I feel bad for her, she's struggling to deal with it. But at least she is genuinely sorry and taking it seriously.
I would be cross that the mum here hadn't taken it seriously.

I would be tempted to text back saying this is the second time it has happened and dd is very upset and doesn't want J to come to her house again. I'm sure she'll be ok in a while but for now best they take some time apart.

You have to just be honest.

WhatNow40 · 25/01/2019 17:05

I'd ask the mum if she could come to the party too, to 'help' but really to check her own daughters pockets and hands on the way out.

My DS was a bugger for keeping hold of one precious piece of a toy he would be playing with at nursery. For a while it was an orange duplo brick, then a wooden tree from the train set. Once I knew what was happening (at first we would find them in the back of the car, not knowing where they came from) we checked hands and pockets every time. I don't think I'd have been happy if nursery staff did it at pick up but I made sure we did.

He was only 2 when he started and it stopped by 3. Only years later did we understand it was probably influenced by colourblindness. His favourite colour was orange, but a lot of shades blend in to each other. Green tree and orange block were clear and distinctive for him, he gravitated towards these colours.

Perhaps this girl wants to give gifts to buy friendship?

greendale17 · 25/01/2019 17:06

The other mum is completely brushing it off.

And no I wouldn’t invite the girl.

MrsDesireeCarthorse · 25/01/2019 17:06

I would not invite her. I wouldn't explain it either - she has twice stolen from your daughter and even admitted it to another girl, which smacks of bullying to me.

Her mum will know why she is not invited, and maybe the girl might be less inclined to steal.

Oblomov19 · 25/01/2019 17:12

How old?
The other mum is brushing it off badly. Shock still learning? Oh purlease.
I wouldn't invite her.