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Original poster

Wearing an engagement ring if not going to get married?

168 replies

Ella1980 · 25/01/2019 10:12

Long story short, my partner proposed in spring last year and we had a wedding booked for 2020. However, for the first time in my working life I very unexpectedly find myself out of work and so we have had to cancel our wedding venue. It wasn't expensive at all, but as things stand we simply cannot afford it.

Partner is keen to get married one day but financially it is looking likely that if I get back into work I may have to take a significant drop in pay (complicated situation).

My stance is that I cannot promise now that we will ever be able to afford to marry as we have other far more pressing priorities. For example, we are currently living in a two-bedroom privately rented house which is damp and unsuitable for my two children who are now 8 and 11. We will need to move ASAP. I have to be realistic here.

I suppose what I am saying is I'm in a dilemma re wearing my engagement ring now? As I understand it, an engagement ring signals a couple's intention to on day in the future be married. I simply cannot make this promise as things stand.

Any advice in this horrible situation much appreciated.

Ella x

OP posts:
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CountessVonBoobs · 25/01/2019 10:14

You can get married very cheaply, though...?

A marriage is far more than a wedding. Why on earth would you be permanently rescinding a commitment to marry, which is an important legal status that protects you and your children, because you can't afford an expensive wedding? If you're out of work it's even more important to get married so you have some protection.

CountessVonBoobs · 25/01/2019 10:15

I'd advise you to get down the registry office on a weekday and postpone the party until you can afford it.

Howlovely · 25/01/2019 10:15

Why are you writing off ever being able to get married and wanting to take off your engagement ring?! Getting married doesn't have to cost a lot, it just depends if you want a wedding or a marriage. I've never heard of refusing to wear an engagement ring because you can't get married in the next couple of years. I would say that an engagement lasts for as long as it takes to plan and afford the wedding. Are you sure you still want to marry your partner?

Bluntness100 · 25/01/2019 10:15

I'd agree, you can get married very cheaply, a registry office do doesn't cost much, just you two and the kids and meal after if you fancy.

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 25/01/2019 10:16

I think you're confusing marriage with a wedding.

Although you may not be able to afford the wedding party / celebration you wanted (and I do sympathise with that) that doesn't have to be a barrier to getting married. You could still have the smallest possible marriage ceremony, cheap as anything, and then perhaps have a five-year anniversary party in future when your finances are more settled

Pizzapetra · 25/01/2019 10:16

You could always just go for a cheaper wedding? As a previous poster said, a wedding is just one day.
But if not, I’d still wear the ring. Some people have very long engagements!

flapjackfairy · 25/01/2019 10:16

Yes I agree. Pop to the the local church or registry office with a few friends and a meal after or just a buffet at home. Marriage is about commitment and relationship not a big expensive day surely?

TheFallenMadonna · 25/01/2019 10:17

I agree with the PP that if you want to be married get married.

But even so, wear the ring! There isn't any law about what jewellery you are allowed to wear on which finger. My mum wore a ring on her left ring finger when she took of her wedding ring after separating, because she was used to wearing a ring there. And it was a lovely ring that looked good.

Owwlie · 25/01/2019 10:18

Agree with pps. Have a cheap registry office wedding if you really want to be married.

Parthenope · 25/01/2019 10:18

It’s not a ‘horrible situation’. Hmm

Our wedding cost £300. You can’t afford a big wedding — you can afford a wedding. If you actually want to marry this man, get yourselves down to the registry office with your witnesses. Throw a huge party at some later point, when you can afford it.

Oysterbabe · 25/01/2019 10:18

Getting married costs very little.

DontCallMeCharlotte · 25/01/2019 10:18

Don't write off getting married.

Your partner seems keen so why not just get the job done now at a Register Office with a couple of witness off the street (or off MN - they're famous for it!). You can do it for as little as £120 and you don't even have to tell anyone you've done it.

And then if you find yourself being to afford it and still want to do it, you can have a blessing and the Big Day later on if you want.

Original poster
Ella1980 · 25/01/2019 10:18

Thanks for your adivce :)

We can barely buy food at the moment so can't get have any sort of wedding :(

I don't want to upset partner and I know it would taking off the ring, but on the other hand if I can't promise I will ever marry him is it a bit silly to wear it?

OP posts:
DontCallMeCharlotte · 25/01/2019 10:20

Ha ha! Looks like I've cross-posted with just about everyone!

WWlOOlWW · 25/01/2019 10:21

Wear the ring.. it's just a ring. I wear my nan's engagement ring. See it as a sign that you are committed to your partner and would like to marry him.

WitchDancer · 25/01/2019 10:21

I thought I was doing well at my wedding costing £500! There's absolutely no reason why you need to spend a fortune.

We had a registry office wedding, photos done by our guests, and then on to the local carvery for a meal. We then relaxed with our friends for an hour or so before travelling to our honeymoon hotel.

AllSuits · 25/01/2019 10:22

I wore my engagement ring for 4 years until we actually married!

Actually, I'm so in love with my (completely unique) engagement ring I didn't bother getting a 'wedding' ring and just used the engagement one for the service and I still only wear that ring.

Sod tradition, do what you want.

DontCallMeCharlotte · 25/01/2019 10:22

I don't want to upset partner and I know it would taking off the ring, but on the other hand if I can't promise I will ever marry him is it a bit silly to wear it?

Don't be daft.

Alienspaceship · 25/01/2019 10:23

If you want to get married, get married. If you want a wedding then you’ll have to wait until you can afford it.

CountessVonBoobs · 25/01/2019 10:23

But why can't you promise you will ever marry him? With a bit of effort, you could scrape together the cost of a basic registry office do in 18 months, surely. Fuck, if I were your friend or parent I'd gift you the ceremony. It's just not making any sense that you'd rather take off your engagement ring than get married on a shoestring...

FruminousBandersnatch · 25/01/2019 10:23

seems A bit extreme and dramatic, removing the ring. Just postpone to an unspecified point in the future. Weddings don’t have to be expensive. Mine was around 300.

FissionChips · 25/01/2019 10:24

You can get married very cheaply, it’s only a couple of hundred.

Are you saying you’ll never be able to save £300?

Oysterbabe · 25/01/2019 10:24

You can get married in a registry office for about £120. Put aside a couple of quid a week or maybe choose a luxury to sacrifice or sell something. You'll soon save up enough.

Stompythedinosaur · 25/01/2019 10:25

I think you are hugely overthinking things. Sorry things are tough at the moment, but surely you can foresee that their may be a time on the future that you can afford the fairly minimal cost of getting married?

Personally I wouldn't start wearing an engagement ring without an intention to start arranging a wedding, but I don't think I would stop wearing one if I had been doing so for a while, especially if it would upset my partner.

Original poster
Ella1980 · 25/01/2019 10:26

Thanks all, I guess we're both just sad at the moment. My view is that we need to keep every penny at the moment for essentials. Maybe there is a difference in the way myself and my partner see marriage? Yes, it will be lovely one day but what does it actually change in reality when we are strapped for cash as it is? Isn't it a "luxury" in a way? We are in no hurry as it will be second marriage for both of us, extremely unlikely indeed to be more children as I'm 38 now but most importantly again, we can't afford to have any more (I have two of my own already).

OP posts: