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AIBU?

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Original poster

Wearing an engagement ring if not going to get married?

168 replies

Ella1980 · 25/01/2019 10:12

Long story short, my partner proposed in spring last year and we had a wedding booked for 2020. However, for the first time in my working life I very unexpectedly find myself out of work and so we have had to cancel our wedding venue. It wasn't expensive at all, but as things stand we simply cannot afford it.

Partner is keen to get married one day but financially it is looking likely that if I get back into work I may have to take a significant drop in pay (complicated situation).

My stance is that I cannot promise now that we will ever be able to afford to marry as we have other far more pressing priorities. For example, we are currently living in a two-bedroom privately rented house which is damp and unsuitable for my two children who are now 8 and 11. We will need to move ASAP. I have to be realistic here.

I suppose what I am saying is I'm in a dilemma re wearing my engagement ring now? As I understand it, an engagement ring signals a couple's intention to on day in the future be married. I simply cannot make this promise as things stand.

Any advice in this horrible situation much appreciated.

Ella x

OP posts:
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EmeraldShamrock · 25/01/2019 10:27

I would go for the cheaper option. Although if your living conditions are bad, damp etc £200 could be better spent for the time been.
I got engaged 11 years ago, then had a child rent change of jobs etc, I took it off after 3years, it wasn't practical and I felt off about wearing it, I did for nearly 3 years.
We are finally getting around to it this year and going for a small affair.
Keep your date for 2020, get a new home sorted and have a small intimate wedding. Everyone says it is the marriage not the wedding day.
If it is any consolation we are really happy and in an even better place to do it.

GlasgowWorrier · 25/01/2019 10:27

Surely in the current circumstances keeping the ring on is exactly what you should be doing? It's a sign between the two of you that although you can't afford to marry right now, you have every intention of doing so in the future. It's a symbol of the commitment between you, not between you and a fancy wedding venue.

Ffsnosexallowed · 25/01/2019 10:30

I've been wearing my engagement ring for about 25 years now. Still not married.

Original poster
Ella1980 · 25/01/2019 10:31

We can't move as can't get a mortgage and we can't afford to rent anywhere bigger either. My ex-husband is still happy in the former exec 5-bed home though and enjoys shopping in Waitrose ;)

OP posts:
CantWaitToRetire · 25/01/2019 10:32

I'm guessing if buying food is a struggle at the moment then even a registry office will seem like a luxury OP. I wouldn't take off the ring though. It's saying you are committed to your partner and intend to marry at some point in the future when you can afford it. It really doesn't matter if there isn't a specific date set. I hope things improve for you soon. Flowers

CantWaitToRetire · 25/01/2019 10:34

Sorry, just cross posted with your update. How come your EXH got to keep the home when it is bigger than his needs? Surely the home was taken into account in your divorce settlement and you should have received a share of the equity?

Original poster
Ella1980 · 25/01/2019 10:38

Thanks CantWaitToRetire, so do I :)

I guess again I'm paying the price for divorcing a vile controlling narcissist who also happens to be a Chartered Accountant so successful at leaving me and the kids skint!

Ella x

OP posts:
BlingLoving · 25/01/2019 10:38

You are over thinking. The engagement ring is a sign of your commitment to each other. if you like it, and like wearing it, keep wearing it.

I often didn't wear my engagement ring when we were engaged. Didn't mean we weren't still planning the wedding.

Maryjoyce · 25/01/2019 10:38

Basic marriage In a Registry office costs £120

GroggyLegs · 25/01/2019 10:39

If you won 5 million the lottery tomorrow, would you get married?

If the answer is yes, wear the ring.

If it's 'No, the real reason I want to take this ring off is I don't want to get married to this man' tell your DP and take it off.

user1474894224 · 25/01/2019 10:39

Getting married isn't a luxury....it offers you protection should something ever happen to your 'husband'...it gives small tax breaks to married couples, it shows the world the two of you are together. It's about £100 for the two of you to go and do it alone. - However, that being said I have worn my engagement ring for 10 years....we are now about to get married. Finally. We were waiting on a couple of other things not just cash. It signifies that if we ever got married it would be to each other. There was no doubt in our mind about staying together.

ApolloandDaphne · 25/01/2019 10:41

My friend wears an engagement ring but is not married. She has been with her partner for about 35 years and has worn her ring for at least 30 of those years! Just keep wearing the ring and get married when you can afford it.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 25/01/2019 10:41

I would keep the ring, look for a new job asap. If you've never been out of work before then hopefully you will be back in work quite quickly. Then you can put a little bit of money aside each week for a registry office affair. If you saved £5 per week you could afford it within a few months.

floodypuddle · 25/01/2019 10:42

Are you the same person that's just posted about your DP wanting kids but it not happening because your 38? I am the childfree one in my relationship and if my DP told me I wasn't getting to have any kids of my own plus then cancelling our engagement I would be leaving. Absolutely do not take that ring off unless you want to risk your partner taking off.

Original poster
Ella1980 · 25/01/2019 10:43

He basically lied all over his Form E. I got a settlement but having met with mortgage companies it is nowhere near enough to buy a house suitable for our needs. My partner and I both work full-time (or at least I did until I find myself without a job for the first time in my working life) but on low wages. He still lives in the former marital home with his unemployed gf and lives the life of luxury. He's just put down a deposit for a new Porshe, apparently. I'm not asking for much, just a three-bed! Oh, and without mould or damp would be nice ;) Because he is controlling he got 50:50 custody so that he would not have to pay me a penny. Which, apart from the rubbish settlement, he never has.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ella1980 · 25/01/2019 10:44

Yes that's me. Unfortunately we're too poor to do either! :(

OP posts:
EnteratA · 25/01/2019 10:45

...if I can't promise I will ever marry him... hmmm.

He asked you, gave you a ring and presumably you said yes , not 'well I can't promise...' So just wear it until times get better. I wore mine for the best part of 10 years and we had a pow wow every 6 months or so "can we afford it yet"...

BowBeau · 25/01/2019 10:46

Sell the ring and use the money to pay for a £120 service at the register office?

floodypuddle · 25/01/2019 10:49

Things can change dramatically v. quickly though Ella. I posted last month worried that I could never afford my own DC with paying for DSC etc and within this last week my DP has got a very unexpected promotion with a substantial payrise and it all looks a lot more feasible. Don't give up hope and don't devalue your DP's proposal by taking off your ring.

mrsk28 · 25/01/2019 10:50

Sorry to hear about your situation OP. It's awful that your ex husband has no consideration for your situation. You would think he would want to help get his children into a better living situation.

Aside from that, you should keep wearing you engagement ring as a promise that you and dp will get married when you can afford it. Some people stay engaged for years and years but it doesn't mean they aren't going to be married.

In terms of the job situation why not try some temp/agency work while you're trying to line up something more permanent? Might help you feel a bit better mentally, especially if it gives you even a little extra cash?

babysharkah · 25/01/2019 10:51

You're over dramatising this a bit? Wear the ring, why would you take it off? Makes no sense if you still WANT to marry him. Just because you can't afford it at the moment doesnt mean you won't ever be able to afford it.

I'[m sure it 's only about £100 for a registry office marriage.

Original poster
Ella1980 · 25/01/2019 10:53

The tax break thing I'm not sure about? From what I understand you only qualify if one of you is earning a very low wage or something? So if I do get back into ft work (which the plan is), we wouldn't qualify for that anyway? We're both skint so if we did get married and something happened to one of us we'd still all be poor ;) So financially, I don't think we'd gain anything.
He knows I love him but I'm not sure we need to be married to prove that it that makes sense? Can we not just stay together without the need to ever marry?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ella1980 · 25/01/2019 10:55

I doubt I'd get £120 for the ring lol!

OP posts:
BlackPrism · 25/01/2019 10:55

If you want to be married go to a registry office and then out for dinner. If you just want a wedding and not a marriage then give it back.

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 25/01/2019 10:55

You can get married cheaply in a register office. Our actual ceremony was £250, there's other things that bump the cost up but it was manageable. If you're serious about getting married and it's not just all about the day, then cost doesn't come into it.