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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wearing an engagement ring if not going to get married?

168 replies

Ella1980 · 25/01/2019 10:12

Long story short, my partner proposed in spring last year and we had a wedding booked for 2020. However, for the first time in my working life I very unexpectedly find myself out of work and so we have had to cancel our wedding venue. It wasn't expensive at all, but as things stand we simply cannot afford it.

Partner is keen to get married one day but financially it is looking likely that if I get back into work I may have to take a significant drop in pay (complicated situation).

My stance is that I cannot promise now that we will ever be able to afford to marry as we have other far more pressing priorities. For example, we are currently living in a two-bedroom privately rented house which is damp and unsuitable for my two children who are now 8 and 11. We will need to move ASAP. I have to be realistic here.

I suppose what I am saying is I'm in a dilemma re wearing my engagement ring now? As I understand it, an engagement ring signals a couple's intention to on day in the future be married. I simply cannot make this promise as things stand.

Any advice in this horrible situation much appreciated.

Ella x

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
Oysterbabe · 25/01/2019 10:56

So it's really that you don't want to get married.

floodypuddle · 25/01/2019 10:56

Do you actually want to get married?

Downtheroadfirstonleft · 25/01/2019 10:56

If you actually want to get married you would. Registry office, either save up over several years or ask friends/ family for their gift to be cash towards the actual cost of the ceremony. Sell your ring to put towards it if necessary.

You seem more interested in being (understandably!) cross at your ex though.

Ladyoftheloch · 25/01/2019 10:57

I don’t think there is any harm in wearing the ring if you want to. But also - a marriage doesn’t require a wedding. If being married is important, you can do it for less than £150. That is money you may well be able to get together in the next few months. And you could always have the party at a later date if your financial circumstances improve.

If being married isn’t especially important to you then don’t worry about it. But if it would mean a lot to you to be married, separate that bit from the wedding and have one without the other.

flowery · 25/01/2019 10:57

”He knows I love him but I'm not sure we need to be married to prove that it that makes sense? Can we not just stay together without the need to ever marry?”

You can. But it sounds like you don’t want to be committed to marrying him. That’s the only way this plan to take off the ring makes sense. If you really wanted to get married you’d absolutely keep the ring on, and would save pennies wherever you could towards the basic register office wedding, even if it didn’t happen for 10 years.

There’s no way being skint now means you “can’t” promise to marry him. Of course you can, you just don’t want to.

MRex · 25/01/2019 10:57

1 - let go of your anger towards your ex. Your divorce is done now, you can't change it unless there's incontrovertible proof that he lied, so it's a real waste of your energy to go on about it.
2 - apply for other jobs, there are plenty out there so just try. You've only just lost your job, no need to dramatically act like you'll never have another one.
3 - if you haven't sorted out a suitable home for the children you have then clearly you can't have more right now; how silly.
4 - you don't have to rent somewhere damp, the landlord has a responsibility to fix the issues so talk to citizens advice and get it sorted out.
5 - if you don't want to get married then don't, but again stop being so dramatic with all this "never" business, if you're as childish as this at home you must be driving your partner and kids bonkers. You can of course find £120 on the next few years once you're working again if you choose to prioritise the marriage over the party.

CountessVonBoobs · 25/01/2019 10:58

...okay, so the more you post the more it's clear that you don't really want to marry him. In which case I guess you might actually want to take the ring off. But don't hide behind the idea that it's because you "can't" marry him. Be honest. This isn't about not being able to marry.

londonmummy2 · 25/01/2019 11:04

Loads of people have already made sound and reasonable suggestions OP and you're not taking anything on board.

My registry office wedding cost us £50!

SummerGems · 25/01/2019 11:04

I am where you are OP but for different reasons. My DP proposed around 3.5 years ago and we got engaged with a view to getting married in the near future once he could find work where I live so we could live together.

Fast forward to a year or so later, DP unable to find work here as he works in a very niche industry where there aren’t an awful lot of jobs, and I find myself with a life-limiting illness meaning I can’t work at all.

The upshot is that I am now waiting until my ds leaves school so I can move back to my home town and closer to my family and support network, not only for me but for them as they’re not getting any younger. My DP in the meantime is still in the same job and not in a position to be able to move any time soon.

So for me it’s not about money but about circumstances and the reality is that we will never be likely to be in a position to even live together let alone get married. Sad I still wear my engagement ring though because it is essentially a sign of the commitment we made to each other when things were different. For me removing the ring would be to end the engagement, and if you’re ending an engagement then aren’t you essentially also ending a relationship? So if I were you and if you want to still be together then keep wearing the ring.

You don’t have to promise each other anything, things change, life throws us some curve balls and sometimes we need to change our expectations as a result. Doesn’t mean the intentions aren’t there though just that they can’t be fulfilled at our convenience.

Original poster
Ella1980 · 25/01/2019 11:05

CAB won't help as it's privately rented, tried that one :( The landlord can get away with what he likes ultimately.

I am angry towards my ex - I still think it is a disgusting situation when I spend years being married to an abuser. Nothing will change my mind on that!

It would be entirely irresponsible to think about having more children in our current financial situation. I am 38 now so it would have been pretty much now or never from a biological perspective.

I am desperately trying to get back into employment but it's a very complicated situation that legally I am not able to discuss. But my earnings would not be what they were.

I guess this whole thing has made me question the point of marriage. I suppose I do regard it as a "luxury". It could be just the way I'm feeling atm.

OP posts:
Eliza9917 · 25/01/2019 11:05

At my register office you can get married for £47, on a Tuesday morning, no ceremony, just the legal paperwork, and I think you might not even need to pay the £35 each notice for that one, but I could be wrong about that.

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 25/01/2019 11:07

I don't think this is just about a wedding. If you REALLY wanted to get married, then I think you'd find a way/ I wonder if you don't feel sure you want to marry your DP. If that's the case, you owe it to him to be honest about it

PinkGin24 · 25/01/2019 11:08

Clearly you don't actually want to get married. As others have said popping down the registry office could cost you under £100.

Megs4x3 · 25/01/2019 11:09

Stop catastrophising. You're beginning to sound as though you want to talk yourself out of this relationship, never mind a commitment to your partner. Perhaps it's panic and overthinking, but an engagement is a promise to 'want' to marry as much as anything else. Yes, it would be nice if you were in the midst of arranging a wedding, but when you have children already, other things get in the way. You can marry very cheaply, or wait until much later - that's a decision for the pair of you. You can not marry at all, and that's up to you.

You have a hiccup in your plans, that's all. If you are committed to this man, keep wearing the damned ring!! Taking it off is a real slap in his face that he doesn't deserve if you are of the 'I'd marry you if I could' mindset. Be honest with yourself, and then with him.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 25/01/2019 11:10

You don't sound like you want to marry, which is not unusual if you've been through a horrendous marriage and a hostile divorce, and are still suffering from the consequences from that.

You do owe it to your partner to be honest about that, though. You're asking him to give up both having biological children and getting married. He might be okay with that, he might not, but you owe him that choice. It is not fair to mislead him into thinking both or either might be possible when it doesn't sound like you can promise wanting either.

AromaticSpices · 25/01/2019 11:11

Marriage isn't a 'luxury' - a large wedding is a luxury though, yes. Marriage is an important financial and legal protection for you, him, and your children.

Just go to the local register office on a weekday morning, and then get a takeaway or something that night to celebrate. Have the party when you can afford it - or don't! Lots of people just have a simple register ceremony.

Give your local register office a call and see what the cost is.

Original poster
Ella1980 · 25/01/2019 11:12

£100 is a lot of money when you're struggling to buy food and pay for heating. How we're doing it is not really eating much when the kids are with their dad. I've turned the heating off but need to find a pair of gloves as clicky fingers!

OP posts:
SoyDora · 25/01/2019 11:12

if I can't promise I will ever marry him is it a bit silly to wear it?

Do you think you’ll never again have a spare £250 for a registry office wedding? I think it’s a bit hasty to say you’ll never be able to afford it...
Anyway, it sounds more like you just don’t actually want to get married. Which is fine, and I’d agree there’s no point wearing a ring if you don’t want to be married at some point (you could sell it and put the money towards food).

SleepingStandingUp · 25/01/2019 11:12

What have Envoronrntmal Health at your local council said about the state of the property?

Have you applied for benefits given only DP is working, you have kids etc? Job seekers or Income Support? Tax credits, housing benefit etc.

You can wear any ring any where on your body as you so please. It can just as easily be a nice ring your DP brought you be a use he loves you as an "I'm a princess getting married in a castle" ring

You can't afford a few hundred for a wedding now but stating you will never have a spare few hundred seems more a way to avoid getting married because you don't want to. You aren't obliged to marry every guy who live with but at least be honest to yourself if it's about not thinking it'll last

Eliza9917 · 25/01/2019 11:14

Most people take 2-3 years to plan their wedding. If you put away a pound a week for 3 years you could have a register office wedding and a meal out with dh & kids.

Original poster
Ella1980 · 25/01/2019 11:14

What would be the financial/legal benefits of marriage? I certainly know the negative ones of divorce! ;)

OP posts:
Eliza9917 · 25/01/2019 11:15

You can get 2 pairs of gloves for £1 in primark too.

EmeraldShamrock · 25/01/2019 11:15

You seem under lots of pressure, I don't see why you have to married again, ask him to slow things down, there is so much going on in your life, give yourself time to catch up.
Put the breaks on for now, get some breathing space.
Did you get much time to yourself between exdh and DP?

ColdBrexitWithMilkForBreakfast · 25/01/2019 11:17

I'm sure you will be able to afford a registry wedding. Even if things are extremely tight now. I'd keep the date and have it there you've got a year to plan. I might ask ex dh's girlfriend how she feels about the fact that her very rich partner is so keen to stay married to you that he won't pay for the divorce. Hmm The fact that he is a shit doesn't bother her, but I bet that will.

On the other hand nothing wrong with wearing (or not wearing) an engagement ring for years either.

mumsastudent · 25/01/2019 11:17

my great aunt in the 1930's waited 8 years till she got married - & this was not an infrequent occurrence! so you have to wait - does it matter? one day things may be different don't give up yet! & you may in the future be able to afford in the future to do the wedding maybe a homemade version.