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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wearing an engagement ring if not going to get married?

168 replies

Ella1980 · 25/01/2019 10:12

Long story short, my partner proposed in spring last year and we had a wedding booked for 2020. However, for the first time in my working life I very unexpectedly find myself out of work and so we have had to cancel our wedding venue. It wasn't expensive at all, but as things stand we simply cannot afford it.

Partner is keen to get married one day but financially it is looking likely that if I get back into work I may have to take a significant drop in pay (complicated situation).

My stance is that I cannot promise now that we will ever be able to afford to marry as we have other far more pressing priorities. For example, we are currently living in a two-bedroom privately rented house which is damp and unsuitable for my two children who are now 8 and 11. We will need to move ASAP. I have to be realistic here.

I suppose what I am saying is I'm in a dilemma re wearing my engagement ring now? As I understand it, an engagement ring signals a couple's intention to on day in the future be married. I simply cannot make this promise as things stand.

Any advice in this horrible situation much appreciated.

Ella x

OP posts:
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MRex · 27/01/2019 08:30

Sorry, you think his brother does not work in the business but receives money for him? That's something HMRC would be interested in and ACCA would investigate, can't hurt to report it.

Original poster
Ella1980 · 27/01/2019 12:28

His brother would argue that he does work with him, how can anyone prove otherwise?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ella1980 · 27/01/2019 12:30

And even if now it is shown that he is earning loads, we're divorced so it won't help us financially?

OP posts:
MRex · 27/01/2019 16:11

It depends if the brother has another job or not, as well as how the tax is declared. If he was proven to be fraudulent over his earnings then you could appeal the divorce settlement. Anyway, it isn't the first thing to focus on right now for sure.

Original poster
Ella1980 · 27/01/2019 16:27

His brother also has his own business.

OP posts:
Spanielmadness · 27/01/2019 16:40

Why don’t you pawn/sell the engagement ring and use the money to book a week day registry office wedding? No guests, or very few and then down to the local for a pint, if at all. You’ll likely have a bit of spare cash to buy food for the kids as well. I got married at 18 when I was still doing my A levels and I think everything cost about £150 all in, if that.

Tjzmummabear · 27/01/2019 16:40

Some churches will marry you for a donation x a small one

Tjzmummabear · 27/01/2019 16:41

I like the pawning idea

MRex · 28/01/2019 11:24

@Ella1980 - check companies house statements for the business turnover a few years before divorce and each year since. If he's hiding then there should be a dramatic change that presumably reverses in the year after your divorce. If you find that then yes, report it to ACCA and HMRC with the names of both businesses, both brothers' names, the date of divorce and the reason for attempting to hide money, also talk to a lawyer about appealing the settlement.

Original poster
Ella1980 · 28/01/2019 11:42

Thank you, I'll check Companies House.

I doubt I could get much at all for my engagement ring because a) It didn't cost much at all new and b) It's very unique and not actually what most people would define as an engagement ring eg. I have quirky taste!

Re the church idea. That may work for some but I (and I hope you respect my views here) am very anti-religion. My first wedding was not in a church and our children had Naming Days (eg not Christenings). For me, personally, it is wrong to make promises to a God and sing about a God you don't believe in (again, just my personal view).

We are better off waiting we think. Yes we could save £150 or something but really we need to put that towards rent and basic meals atm.

Thanks for your advice and suggestions, really good of you all ☺

OP posts:
Original poster
Ella1980 · 28/01/2019 11:44

@MRex. Thank you. I'm on it! Would appealing a settlement cost?

OP posts:
Hadjab · 28/01/2019 11:44

I think you’re conflating a wedding and marriage. You can’t afford a big wedding, but you can afford to get married.

Original poster
Ella1980 · 28/01/2019 11:49

Maybe. We've had a talk and I guess we both realise actually getting married (ie just the legal contract bit) will make little difference to our lives and really we have other pressing financial responsibities atm.

OP posts:
MRex · 28/01/2019 11:52

I'm sure it would cost a fair bit, yes. You'll need legal advice if you can find any compelling evidence to work out if the evidence is enough. Actual HMRC or ACCA action would be evidence.

Original poster
Ella1980 · 28/01/2019 11:53

That's the thing. Even if I could get the evidence we don't have the money to challenge the settlement 😢

OP posts:
Original poster
Ella1980 · 01/02/2019 22:31

Update...we finally came across another two-bed in an area that would work for us location wise and...added bonus...
free from mould and damp! Called the letting agent who questioned why on earth I'd want to house four of us in a two-bed and anyway, landlord won't accept kids. Feeling down and in a very dark place 😢

OP posts:
MRex · 01/02/2019 23:23

I'm so sorry, I hope you find something else soon.

user1474894224 · 03/02/2019 05:38

Contact this firm. Explain your situation and see what they say. Sometimes, if there is a good chance of you winning, it can be fee paid later. Also they explain on the page under what circumstances you can have the order set aside. www.simpsonmillar.co.uk/family-law-divorce-solicitors/financial-settlement/#a4

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