Wearing an engagement ring if not going to get married?

[Ella1980]

Long story short, my partner proposed in spring last year and we had a wedding booked for 2020. However, for the first time in my working life I very unexpectedly find myself out of work and so we have had to cancel our wedding venue. It wasn't expensive at all, but as things stand we simply cannot afford it.

Partner is keen to get married one day but financially it is looking likely that if I get back into work I may have to take a significant drop in pay (complicated situation).

My stance is that I cannot promise now that we will ever be able to afford to marry as we have other far more pressing priorities. For example, we are currently living in a two-bedroom privately rented house which is damp and unsuitable for my two children who are now 8 and 11. We will need to move ASAP. I have to be realistic here.

I suppose what I am saying is I'm in a dilemma re wearing my engagement ring now? As I understand it, an engagement ring signals a couple's intention to on day in the future be married. I simply cannot make this promise as things stand.

Any advice in this horrible situation much appreciated.

Ella x

We pay £680 per month in South Northants.

To clarify, my ex was a Chartered Accountant who fiddled the books-not my fiance! My fiance may not have money, but he is honest!

Needmorespace-you could say that. My ex was a vile man and the scars are hard to heal. I absolutely regret not staying until he hit me as coercive control cannot be evidenced in court. It certainly was not recognised in my case.

I think I had a wobble re the ring. Losing my job has made me question what exactly it is I have to give to my fiance and it's had such an impact. I hate being reliant on anybody.

Echoing what pp's have said. My cousin got married in a registry office in a nice non-wedding dress (think 50s swingy dress) and we went for fish and chips after. Total cost = just the registry office fees, clothes (around £50 for her dress) and the fish and chips for around 8 people (close family and friends). The main thing is you get married xx

@Mrex I agree, we shouldn't have to. But we can't move area because of schools and I have a poorly mum to consider who lives very near. It is the cheapest we can rent around here.

My apologies.

Your fortunes will change
Things can happen for the better
For now wear ring , focus on priorities and focus on a marriage not wedding

Do you want to get married or have a wedding?? 2 very different things IMO. You could get married for about £200!

We'd need to save £200 as all of our money is going on rent/food but yes, if we saved a little each month it would be possible.

I'd you don't feel you're in any rush, just continue being engaged until you can afford the wedding. You are engaged because you have agreed to get married. That's what engagement is. No need to feel like a fraud for wearing the ring just because you may have to wait a bit longer than you'd like!

There are a bunch of 2 bed places available within your price range and in the rough area, some 3 beds of you go further away. Try searching based on where you need to be and the maximum distance: www.rightmove.co.uk/property-to-rent/find.html?locationIdentifier=REGION%5E1354&maxBedrooms=3&minBedrooms=2&maxPrice=700&radius=10.0

I think there is bigger issues here.
Have you looked at your money coming in and out ?
Is there anything you can cut back on that may help with the food situation ?

Because really, you need to move, you can't be living in a damp flat and those photos are way past a bit of condensation causing an issue. Even just the emotional impact of the bad flat environment is no good for any of you. Get moved somewhere nice, find a new job, then get back to us about how you feel about the marriage.

@MRex Aw thanks so much for your kind words and advice. It is almost impossible atm for us to move for a couple of reasons. Firstly, where we are is about a ten minute drive from my parents. Mum became ill last year and so being nearby has been an absolute blessing.
Secondly, we have a schooling issue. One son goes to the local primary school, the other to a school about ten miles away. My fab fiance takes him there on his way to work, I collect him, my dad collects the other boy.
Moving schools is not possible for either child as their dad would not agree to it. In fact, he took me to court re eldest's son's secondary as he was not happy with the selections (nearer to both of our homes) that I had chosen.
The judge ruled in ex's favour as the school ex wanted had an outstanding Ofsted. She also ruled it was acceptable for a summer-born 11 year-old with significant anxiety issues to catch four daily buses into school everyday (both fiance and I at work).
Out of court I was then threatneed by ex that using buses was "child abuse" and if I didn't get him there and collect him myself he would be physically showing up at my door in rhe mornings to pick him up and that I would only be able to collect him at a time my ex deemed "convenient". He also tried to take my car from the drive as he kept a spare key when we separated which he refused to return. Luckily he failed because I had purchased a steering lock (always have to be one step ahead).
We had planned to move ASAP in the new year somewhere more suitable as there are very, very ocassionally a few three beds come up in out price range. But now obviously we can't 😢

My daughter has been engaged for 6 years. They were planning on getting married but can’t afford to now. She still wears her ring

So none of those letting options work? There seemed like loads. (Wishing I had all the location details, I like hunting for flats.)

Ok, next then let's work on your job instead, then you can afford the 3 beds right? So, what do you want to do for work and how many hours per week?

Aw thank you. It's a very complicated situation and legally I'm not able to say as yet but...I'm a qualified teacher. I have registered with agencies so fingers crossed. I am after anything at all I can get atm! It won't be a guaranteed income by any means but something is better than nothing. The process takes a while but I am desperately hoping it will get me some work ☺

How about doing some tutoring while you look for jobs? That could bring in some quick cash to help out: www.indeed.co.uk/m/jobs?q=tutor&l=Towcester%2C+Northamptonshire&from=searchOnSerp%2Cwhatauto%2Cwhereauto

Also sign up for supply teaching now, this link suggests there is an immediate need (scroll a bit): www.cv-library.co.uk/jobs/towcester/education.

Once the urgent money issues are sorted you can work on the housing issue.

You both want to get married, right?
You know that your situation is not forever and your finances will change, but you still love each other?
Wear the ring. He loves you.
You're going through a shitty time....but the love is there and finances will improve in time.

@MRex. Thank you. I'm signing up for as many agencies as possible and also looking into tutoring.
Education is a funny business. There is indeed a huge shortage of teachers (I absolutely get why, it's not a career of advise anyone to go in to). But schools being on very tight budgets (and getting increasingly tighter) will usually choose NQTS or less experienced teachers to keep cost down.
Hoping supply will not have this issue as it's a £120 per day rate, regardless of whether you've been teaching for one or fifteen years (ie myself!)
Thanks again ☺

Have you taken advice on what to do about your ex's ongoing harassment? Are you documenting it all?

You know, if you had evidence of him acting in contravention of his institute's professional standards you could consider reporting him to them... They tend to have rules on not bringing the profession into disrepute in your personal life... Or fraud... Being struck off would be a serious consequence. Although obviously it would require proof of something more than just him being an arsehole.

(Just wondering because of the number of times you've referred to your ex as a "chartered accountant", so I assume he is accountable to an institute...)

He is. I know he's lied on every document about his earnings but to challenge that would cost money I haven't got.
Ex had harassed me for the last decade. When we were married he would frequently wake me up at 2 am telling me to clean the oven. He took my credit cards away so I couldn't buy food. He wouldn't allow my mum into the house to see me or the boys. The list goes on.
But he is clever. He knows I wouldn't be able to prove these things in court.
He also told the school nurse and our children that my fiance "could be a paedophile".
He gets away with all of this. It's a living hell.

Good luck with the work!

I think all you can do about your ex is try to distance yourself as much as possible. Written communication only, about the children only. When the kids grow up they'll see him for what he is. At 14 they can have custody arrangements changed if they really see him by then, sometimes earlier.

Just FYI, it wouldn't be your job to challenge his dodgy accounting practices. You would report him to his professional body, ACCA/CIMA/etc (he will have letters after his name if he is chartered) with a few details and they would investigate him. They have forensic accountants who can find just about anything, they are very highly skilled professionals.

Thanks. He's ACCA. Not sure they would find anything though. Long story short, he started running his own business just before we separated. I discovered his brother is a shareholder with allegedly a heavy share of the business. So what I think he's doing with any money he makes is putting a lot with his brother (also an ACCA Chartered Accountant) and putting a smaller amount to himself. Brother then gives it him cash in hand... He really is a snake.