Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wearing an engagement ring if not going to get married?

168 replies

Ella1980 · 25/01/2019 10:12

Long story short, my partner proposed in spring last year and we had a wedding booked for 2020. However, for the first time in my working life I very unexpectedly find myself out of work and so we have had to cancel our wedding venue. It wasn't expensive at all, but as things stand we simply cannot afford it.

Partner is keen to get married one day but financially it is looking likely that if I get back into work I may have to take a significant drop in pay (complicated situation).

My stance is that I cannot promise now that we will ever be able to afford to marry as we have other far more pressing priorities. For example, we are currently living in a two-bedroom privately rented house which is damp and unsuitable for my two children who are now 8 and 11. We will need to move ASAP. I have to be realistic here.

I suppose what I am saying is I'm in a dilemma re wearing my engagement ring now? As I understand it, an engagement ring signals a couple's intention to on day in the future be married. I simply cannot make this promise as things stand.

Any advice in this horrible situation much appreciated.

Ella x

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
MRex · 25/01/2019 11:53

@EdwardScissorskills - it's really not a good idea to offer randoms on the internet money for every sob story. If you know and actively interact with the handle name for years that's one thing, but with occasional posters you should know that people aren't always who they claim to be. There are a lot of charities who would be grateful for extra funds instead. Besides which, if OP isn't willing to prioritise putting aside £100 or so over a period of years then it's clear she really doesn't want to marry regardless of finances.

grumiosmum · 25/01/2019 11:57

Just wear the bloody ring.

DH gave me a lovely ring as a present when DS1 was born, long before we decided to get married, and I wore it on my engagement ring finger.

Original poster
Ella1980 · 25/01/2019 16:47

Thanks for all of your replies. I've had a talk with fiance and we agree there is no rush (second marriage for both of us) so we will get married one day when we're hopefully in a better position financially.
As for having another baby...we both have recognised this is not financially possible. Our hearts would yes, but sometimes your heads have to rule.

OP posts:
RoboticSealpup · 25/01/2019 17:07

In your position I'd just get married without any flair and then make a big deal out of renewing your vows in the future when you can afford it.

Original poster
Ella1980 · 25/01/2019 17:23

I'm not sure what the hurry is? It won't change anything really. Not even my maiden name as I planned to db that! x

OP posts:
Fontofnoknowledge · 25/01/2019 17:39

My ex and I had 50/50 Care. I had tax credits for them as I had child benefit.
This obviously wasn't fair so tax credits allowed him tax credits for one even though he didn't have child benefit and I claimed for two.

Who has child Ben. If he has it, then you can write to them and apply.

Private rented property with damp ? Your councils Housing advice and enforcement deals with private landlords contravening housing standards.

cinnabarmoth · 25/01/2019 17:40

I was engaged for 7 years, he asked me to marry him and I agreed to, ergo we were engaged. We did start planning it but never actually set a date as we needed the money for other things (I would have been happy with simple wedding but he wanted to have a bigger event). I never considered not wearing my ring just because we might not get round to it ..

AJPTaylor · 25/01/2019 17:45

I think you are over thinking it.
Literally no one else cares. Wear the ring. Why would you upset your partner by taking it off? Seems dramatic and sulky.
If you want to get married, do so. If you want to wait until the end of never to have a big do, do so.

Megan2018 · 25/01/2019 17:45

I know people who have been wearing a ring for over a decade but not got around to the wedding yet.
It would be awful to take it off unless you no longer want to get married. You accepted the proposal - you are intending to marry. You are just in limbo financially - that is all perfectly valid. It doesn't matter if limbo lasts 5 mins or 50 years.

Why on earth would you want to stop wearing it? I love my ring!

We got married for pennies - just the 2 of us - no guests or party. Bliss.

Original poster
Ella1980 · 25/01/2019 17:48

Ex has CB for one despite earning loads. Def more than the limit I would suggest but he's a Chartered Accountant so knows how to fiddle figures. I get just CB and just for one boy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ella1980 · 25/01/2019 17:58

The house...

Wearing an engagement ring if not going to get married?
OP posts:
Original poster
Ella1980 · 25/01/2019 18:03

There's more...

Wearing an engagement ring if not going to get married?
Wearing an engagement ring if not going to get married?
Wearing an engagement ring if not going to get married?
OP posts:
Original poster
Ella1980 · 25/01/2019 18:07

There's more...

Wearing an engagement ring if not going to get married?
Wearing an engagement ring if not going to get married?
Wearing an engagement ring if not going to get married?
OP posts:
FairyBunnyAgain · 25/01/2019 18:27

The ring is a red herring, I am married, neither DH or I wear our wedding rings. I wear a 'fancy' ring that looks like an engagement ring but isn't and nobody judges me that I am aware of.

Do check out benefits and what could be better if you were married though as we wouldn't want you to miss out.

MRex · 25/01/2019 19:14

Move house. It can't be that much more to rent somewhere else.

AngeloMysterioso · 25/01/2019 19:19

You can afford to get married. You just can’t afford a wedding.

I went to a wedding last year- Wednesday afternoon, Islington town hall, followed by a family pub lunch. Few hundred quid (if that), boom. Those people are just as married as people who spend £50k.

JasperKarat · 25/01/2019 19:20

We were only engaged for just under two years, but friends of ours were engaged for ten, life gets in the way of the best laid plans sometimes, wear the ring and wait to have the wedding you want.

myhamsteratefreddiestarr · 25/01/2019 19:21

OP, it sounds like you are scared and panicking, but basically it boils down to this...

do you love your DP and want to marry him or not? Forget the wedding and cost etc, do you want to marry him and has he proposed. If so then the answer is yes, you are engaged and yes you wear your ring! It doesn't matter when the wedding is.

I hope things pick up for you soon and that you find work soon.

Singlenotsingle · 25/01/2019 19:25

Maybe a civil partnership instead?

Original poster
Ella1980 · 25/01/2019 19:38

If only moving was that simple. Because I moved here five years ago as a single parent the landlord very kindly gave me a decent rent rate. We have looked a renting bigger but talking about a huge amount more that we can't afford. Even if we stayed two-bed our rent would go up. He is putting it up now two of us but only by about £30 p/m. We can't move out of area because of schools.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ella1980 · 25/01/2019 19:43

PS. Will wear my ring. I absolutely want ro marry him if he's crazy enough to take me on! I suppose I am just worried he'll want to leave me as I'm currently not in work and we were not exactly well off as it was! Guess I was just giving him that get out clause as it were?

OP posts:
Megs4x3 · 25/01/2019 20:05

I guess you were and I'm really happy for you that he's not taking it! You having a job or not is clearly not the basis on which his love is standing. :-)

EnteratA · 25/01/2019 20:05

"but he's a Chartered Accountant so knows how to fiddle figures".

Sounds like your problem is solved. He just needs to apply those professional fiddling skills?

needmorespace · 25/01/2019 20:06

Ella1980 take this kindly please, there seems to always be a 'but' with your posts. I'm not sure anymore what the aibu is Confused
You've been told that you can get married cheaply and you say you still can't afford to - fair enough. But I struggle to get my head around why you would take your ring off? That is bizarre to me - you have still promised to marry or be together forever or whatever so what is to be gained by removing the ring that your partner gave you. It's a bit like a teenage strop. Are you angry that your partner is a low earner?
Your ex sounds like a complete wanker but I guess you know that already - a salutory warning to women to get the paperwork together before leaving if possible. And a shocking indictment of the cuts that have rained down on the vulnerable which have removed access to legal services for women and children in your position (I guess that is what you meant by it would have been 'better' if he had hit you).
You need to keep your ring on, focus on getting a job - perhaps you would then be eligible for wtc/ctc or uc which might make your circumstances more bearable.
With ref to the point of marriage, well in your current circs I may well agree that there may not be, but you are looking at it from a financial perspective rather than an emotional want.

MRex · 25/01/2019 20:15

@Ella1980 - it's not that your landlord is being nice, they don't want to do up the flat. You can't live with mould so you have to move. How much do you pay and roughly what area?

Swipe left for the next trending thread