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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wearing an engagement ring if not going to get married?

168 replies

Ella1980 · 25/01/2019 10:12

Long story short, my partner proposed in spring last year and we had a wedding booked for 2020. However, for the first time in my working life I very unexpectedly find myself out of work and so we have had to cancel our wedding venue. It wasn't expensive at all, but as things stand we simply cannot afford it.

Partner is keen to get married one day but financially it is looking likely that if I get back into work I may have to take a significant drop in pay (complicated situation).

My stance is that I cannot promise now that we will ever be able to afford to marry as we have other far more pressing priorities. For example, we are currently living in a two-bedroom privately rented house which is damp and unsuitable for my two children who are now 8 and 11. We will need to move ASAP. I have to be realistic here.

I suppose what I am saying is I'm in a dilemma re wearing my engagement ring now? As I understand it, an engagement ring signals a couple's intention to on day in the future be married. I simply cannot make this promise as things stand.

Any advice in this horrible situation much appreciated.

Ella x

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
haverhill · 25/01/2019 11:17

I wore a ring for years before DH and I properly discussed marriage. Treat it as a commitment ring if you prefer.
And I would advise you to have a tiny little wedding asap, and plan a lovely party when your finances are healthier. Especially as you have kids together.

Original poster
Ella1980 · 25/01/2019 11:18

I'm not able to apply for anything for the kids financially as ex took me to court for custody and they split 50:50. So, despite his income of £105K+ a year he doesn't have to pay me anything. I also only get CB for one child.

OP posts:
Ethel36 · 25/01/2019 11:18

Get married at the local registry and go for a nice meal afterwards. You can always renew your vows years down the line when you can afford the big party and dress.

londonmummy2 · 25/01/2019 11:19

Have you checked what other benefits you're entitled to? If you're so severely struggling that you don't eat food then you'll be entitled to something?!

Original poster
Ella1980 · 25/01/2019 11:20

They're not biologically his kids, he doesn't have any children (he always wanted them but it never happened). We can't have any together for financial reasons.

OP posts:
EdwardScissorskills · 25/01/2019 11:20

www.gov.uk/marriages-civil-partnerships/weddings-and-civil-partnership-ceremonies - this seems to say it’s £46 for a registry office ceremony, plus £4 for the certificate? I think that if you really wanted to marry each other, you’d do it for £50 and it would be very romantic - talk about proving the “in good times and in bad” - and then have a blessing/renewal of vows/big party/whatever at some point in the future.

On this thread alone you’ve probably got plenty of people who would give you a contribution, and we don’t even know you! Your own friends and family would be delighted to chip in, not just for the £50 if it came to it, but to pay for their own drinks and food, make you a cake etc. It all seems ridiculously over-dramatic to throw away a marriage, with all the legal protections it brings, particularly at a time things are already financially tough. (And tax wise if you’re not working and he is but paying basic rate tax, you could benefit from Marriage Allowance if you were married - that alone would more than pay for your wedding!)

DonCorleoneTheThird · 25/01/2019 11:20

I think the OP is very sensible to postpone if they are desperately skint a the moment.

Now you do need to see getting married as a priority, and start saving for the £120 ish you will need asap. If you are that desperate, have you tried temping? It's difficult if you have children, but far from impossible.

Get the legal bit done as soon as you can, and have a proper party to celebrate when you can afford it.

Of course you can wear your ring! Many women wear a ring on that finger because they want to, not because it means anything to them anyway. I've always wore my engagement ring on my right hand - I am left handed and I prefer it that way.

You could even wear a simple white gold circle on your ring finger without being married, you wear what you want!

Original poster
Ella1980 · 25/01/2019 11:21

I still don't get why the legal bit is important?

OP posts:
ColdBrexitWithMilkForBreakfast · 25/01/2019 11:21

What would be the financial/legal benefits of marriage? I certainly know the negative ones of divorce! ;

I think they are mostly for people with money, whic MN forgets. However at the moment if you're still married to exbastard husband he's the one that's going to decide when to pull the plug if you're ever in hospital.

Original poster
Ella1980 · 25/01/2019 11:22

Not still married to ex (thank goodness!!!) It took five years and many court appearances before the divorce though :(

OP posts:
Angelil · 25/01/2019 11:25

@Ella1980 think also of the medical side. Marriage means you are your partner's legal next of kin and you would be able to make emergency decisions about his care. If you are not married then his parents are his next of kin by default (if still alive; if not, it might be their sibling or someone else in their family). Legally you would have no standing unless you had both made wills explicitly stating that you were each other's next of kin to be consulted in matters such as these. Most unmarried people don't think to do this. So would that not be important to you?

Drogosnextwife · 25/01/2019 11:26

DP proposed to me 4 years ago, 2e have not booked the wedding and have no I mentions of getting married so (like you I have more important things to spend money on, 2 kids, house that needs work done etc. The list goes on forever, also can't agree on how to get married) I don't see the problem, your life, wear your ring. I love my ring.

SleepingStandingUp · 25/01/2019 11:27

OP have you reported the property to Env Health at your local council?

Have you applied for tax credits / job seekers.

There's no current need to get married but if I offered it you for free, would you? If the answer is no, you need to talk to DP. If it's yes, keep the ring and when you're back in work and financially stable look at it again

WaxMyBalls · 25/01/2019 11:27

Have you claimed contribution based JSA? Do that asap if not. £74 a week for 6 months.

The tax break means if one of you earns too little to pay tax, ie below £11,850, you can transfer some of your unused allowance to your spouse, as long as they're not a higher rate tax payer. Can net you up to £250 a year. But you can't use it if you both earn enough to pay tax.

Original poster
Ella1980 · 25/01/2019 11:31

Yes, reported to Environmental Health but they don't seem interested. In the meantime I spend hours scrubbing!

I am on jobseekers while I look for work; this is only around £10 per day but better than nothing. Currently looking at tax credits.

I would 100% marry if we had the money to do so. I just feel that our priorities have to be elsewhere for the time being.

OP posts:
werideatdawn · 25/01/2019 11:32

You obviously don't really want to get married, so don't. You still seem very bitter about your divorce so maybe you should be working through those feelings. Your ex husband is as responsible for the children as you, why is it such a shock that he was awarded 50:50 custody? All this reads like you're feeling hard done by which is fine but you need to manage those feelings. I would put marriage on the shelf completely and focus on getting back into work. That will distract you and get you back into a better situation financially. Let the divorce stuff go.

EmeraldShamrock · 25/01/2019 11:34

£100 is a lot of money when you're struggling to buy food and pay for heating.
Sell the ring if things are so tight, if your DP is a kind guy he will prefer you to eat and heat rather than wear a ring, I would sell anything of value and have done when things were bad.
In your situation is there any benefit to getting married at all, other than a widows pension. You married a wealthy guy and ended up on your ass.
I really hope things get better OP. Yanbu to put this off until things get better.

user1474894224 · 25/01/2019 11:34

We have wills which help. I don't know all the answers but there is stuff around pensions.....were partner to die before pension it doesn't come to me if I'm not his spouse. As someone else said next of kin isn't legally me. What happens if your partner dies with his inheritance (say you have a house together in due course).....whatever.....it sounds like you don't want to get married due to past experience. So tell your partner. 'i love you but I'm not ready to marry again'. Then he can decide how important marriage is to him and decide what he wants. He might just say 'fine....I knew that all along'. In which case no bother. If he really wants a wife then it's unfair to string him along.

Original poster
Ella1980 · 25/01/2019 11:36

I guess I'm angry that I didn't stay until he hit me. Things would have been better then. I wouldn't have lost my children for up to 11 days at a time and not really feel like their mother any more. I wouldn't be in this financial situation.

I'm having counselling but I don't think I will ever accept the injustice of what he has been allowed to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ella1980 · 25/01/2019 11:40

We don't have wills because we don't have any money or anything of value. If anything happened to me ex would automatically get full-time custody of the boys and he wouldn't allow any contact from grandparents or fiance etc... Obviously if we ever get a house together we would review this.

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock · 25/01/2019 11:43

That is so hard OP. I would be very angry too.
Shelf this proposal, get back to work, your DC will eventually see your ex's true colours, prepare for this day.
Keep yourself well and raise your self esteem, DC always see a clearer picture when they get older, be strong waiting for them to need you. Flowers

RCohle · 25/01/2019 11:47

I appreciate this is a really shit time for you.

To be honest sounds like you just don't fancy being married again, after the difficulties you have faced following your divorce.

If you really can't imagine scraping together the £180 for a registry office wedding in the next, say, 5 years then I think you need to have a conversation with your fiancé. Because at that point it's not that you can't afford it, it's that you're totally unwilling to prioritise marrying him (which is fine! But you should tell him).

SchadenfreudePersonified · 25/01/2019 11:48

AN engagement ring signals an intention to marry (Person x) at some time in the future.

It doesn't have to be within a particular time frame.

You still intend to get married - wear your ring. No-one will shop you to the Wedding Police. The DD of a friend of ours has been engaged for 11 years and has two children. Still haven't set a date.

Original poster
Ella1980 · 25/01/2019 11:49

Aw thank you. My ex is doing the whole parental alienation things so I can't help thinking my eldest pretty much hates me. His dad can buy him everything his heart desires whereas we can't afford a bag of chips! I think he will be brainwashed by this eventually and end up with his dad which will break my heart even more :(

I suppose I push my fiance away when I'm scared but must try not to.

OP posts:
SaturdayNext · 25/01/2019 11:53

I really don't understand why you are saying you will never ever be able to afford to be married. Getting married in a Registry Office costs £94. Will you really never at any point in the future be able to save up that sum?

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