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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

OH hugs me and tells me he loves me

309 replies

PaperHalo · 25/01/2019 05:55

AIBU to be cross with my OH for hugging me and telling me he loves me in the morning?

We have an 8 week old DD who sleeps more or less through the night and will wake anything between 04.00 and 07.00. I’m still getting up in the night to express ‘the good milk’ as DD has some health issues so we’ve been advised to make sure she gets it even if she won’t wake to feed.

OH goes to work at 05.15 and EVERY morning he comes into the bedroom and gets in bed next to me, cuddles me and talks to me!!! He isn’t satisfied with just a sleepy grunt in return, he keeps going until I answer him properly and engage in whatever pointless little conversation he feels he needs to have at 05.15!! He will often message me later to ask if I’m ok as ‘you seemed a bit off this morning’!! Well yes!! Yes I am!! You are waking me up!! I don’t need to be awake right now! I could be getting some precious sleep!! But you are waking me up!!

I wouldn’t mind but he sleeps in the spare room at night to make sure he isn’t disturbed by me or baby while he gets his precious sleep!!!

Am unreasonable to hate him just a little for doing this???

OP posts:

GoodJobShesCute · 25/01/2019 08:43

Oh my goodness my partner is a nightmare for this! He also always sets his alarm really early (5.30ish usually) even on weekends and then turns it off and goes back to sleep while I lie wide awake. It drove me nuts before we had a baby but when my daughter arrived I nearly lost the plot! When she was still in with us he'd stomp around the room getting ready even though I asked him to get his stuff together the night before and get ready in the spare room in the morning so that we weren't woken up.
She was a terrible sleeper and every second was precious as you say.

No advice I'm afraid just solidarity.

DianaT1969 · 25/01/2019 08:43

Say this to him this evening. 'I appreciate your intentions in giving me a cuddle in the morning, but I need more sleep, not less. From now on, please get ready for work and leave quietly and don't wake me up. I'll see you in the evenings. This broken sleeo phase won't last long, then we'll be back to normal.

Stand back and really look at his reaction. If he gets angry and swears, just say that it isn't acceptable behaviour and walk off. Rinse and repeat. If he is such a good guy he won't get angry or swear at you.

bethy15 · 25/01/2019 08:48

I think I will tell him again not to do it, I thought I was being a bit of a cow getting cross over a cuddle and a kiss but sleep is precious!! I just think over the years I’ve got into the habit of letting things go, it’s just easier that way. My OH is a good guy but he is sh!t at disagreements! He can only ever shout and swear, he has no first or middle setting and I cba with that - life is too short!

Then he's not such a good guy, is he?

You're too worried to ask for sleep that you're entitled to because you are sleep deprived and he wants your attention at 5.15 am, and not just that, he moans you are not engaged enough at that hour, but you are too worried he's going to scream about it. This is not reasonable.

He sleeps on his own to make sure he gets all of his sleep, did you scream at him over it? It doesn't sound like it, yet you're not entitled to the same standard.

Lushlemming · 25/01/2019 08:48

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

NotANotMan · 25/01/2019 08:50

Would you prefer he was fucking his colleague and thinking about walking out on you and the baby?

Grow up OP. With respect.

Grow up yourself. With no respect.

Booboostwo · 25/01/2019 08:52

When i read your title I thought well surely YABU, under what circumstances would a cuddle and a kiss from a loved one be annoying...and immediately I learnt I am wrong. Your DH is being an arse about this, but is also being a weird arse about it. It is odd to think that a sleep deprived new parent would ever welcome being woken up for cuddles, but let's say that is a possible mistake for someone who is utterly clueless to make. Even then why didn't he stop when you asked him to? That is inexplicable! Even someone utterly clueless should be able to follow simple instructions like "Do not wake me up for cuddles". Now you add that you worry he will turn the whole thing into a massive disagreement and shout and swear at you...he's not just clueless and an arse now he is beginning to look like an abusive, clueless arse.

Ozziewozzie · 25/01/2019 08:52

@lushlemming
Seriously?

Booboostwo · 25/01/2019 08:53

Lushlemming yes because all the choice women have is between infidelity and abuse now isn't it?!

whiteworld · 25/01/2019 08:53

I just think over the years I’ve got into the habit of letting things go, it’s just easier that way. My OH is a good guy but he is sh!t at disagreements! He can only ever shout and swear, he has no first or middle setting and I cba with that - life is too short!

OP, that's not good at all. You're happy to spend your life walking on eggshells and not risking an argument because of your h's temper? Your h doesn't sound like a good guy at all. He sounds like a bully.

I don't know if he think he's being 'nice' by waking you every day, or whether he's being abusive.

You should bring it up with him. Tell him plainly and firmly that he is wakking you when you need sleep, and not to do it. His reaction should tell you his intentions.

Earlybird - you're insane
Lushlemming - ???? There is a happy medium between the two. Do you think that OP should put up with anything because it's better than being cheated on?? Mad.

SoyDora · 25/01/2019 08:55

Would you prefer he was fucking his colleague and thinking about walking out on you and the baby?
Grow up OP. With respect

Wow, some people have such low standards. ‘Luckily’ my DH neither fucks his colleagues nor wakes me up when I’m sleep deprived despite me asking him not to, or gets angry when I ask him not to 🤷🏻‍♀️.

DoJo · 25/01/2019 09:00

WFT is with all these random posters? Are they playing bellend's advocate or something?!

lboogy · 25/01/2019 09:01

My DH used to do this until I sent him this article www.buzzfeed.com/asiawmclain/useless-nipples
He now understands and sneaks out quietly

ciderhouserules · 25/01/2019 09:01

lushlemming - seriously? You have a very low bar if you think a man is worth hanging onto, whatever he does, so long as he's not fucking a colleague?

You must be very happily married.

BeatNickBeamer · 25/01/2019 09:04

My OH is a good guy but he is sh!t at disagreements! He can only ever shout and swear, he has no first or middle setting and I cba with that - life is too short!

It's weird that this would even need to be a disagreement, just say "I love you OH but I need all the uninterrupted sleep I can get, can you not wake me up in the morning?"

What would he say to you if you came into the spare room to express milk at 2am and wanted a full conversation?

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 25/01/2019 09:05

"if you love me, let me sleep.
If you NEED to tell me that you love me at 5am, leave me a note and I'll read it at 6.30"

princessTiasmum · 25/01/2019 09:06

Think yourself lucky you have someone tell you he loves you, i think, maybe not at convenient times but still .......

gamerchick · 25/01/2019 09:06

When you wake to express, pop into the spare room and sit on the bed and chat to him whilst you do it

Please do this.

Would you prefer he was fucking his colleague and thinking about walking out on you and the baby

Is that what you did to your wife? Or is your bar so low you'll put up with any old crap from men so you're not lonely?

empa · 25/01/2019 09:08

Has he always woken you up before he goes to work, or is it a new thing since the baby?

MawkishTwaddle · 25/01/2019 09:11

bellend’s advocate

AssassinatedBeauty · 25/01/2019 09:11

@princessTiasmum telling someone you love them is easy. Actually showing that you do is the important part! Which this man is failing at. He knows it disturbs his wife, she has told him, but he doesn't care. Plus any normal considerate person would know not to wake someone else at 5.15 just cos they want a chat.

And, I would really like to know if this chap swears and shouts at colleagues if he has a disagreement at work. I bet he can manage to control himself then.

Original poster

PaperHalo · 25/01/2019 09:12

Whilst I admit I let more go than most and to be honest more than I would like to at times, at the same time I do think there is a difference between letting things go and walking on egg shells. Life is too short to argue all the time and I’ve yet to find a relationship where we both see eye to eye on everything.

That said, he clearly is a sleep thief! I am not being unreasonable and he will be hearing as much from me! Maybe not til Sunday night though, don’t want to ruin the weekend with an argument;-)

OP posts:

53rdWay · 25/01/2019 09:14

But OP, for most couples this wouldn’t be an argument, let alone a weekend-ruining one. It seems you’ve got so used to tiptoeing around him that you’re not seeing something very wrong here.

RiverTam · 25/01/2019 09:17

there is a big difference between not seeing eye-to-eye on everything and 'He can only ever shout and swear, he has no first or middle setting'. A big difference. You making the valid point that you'd prefer him not to do this shouldn't end up ruining a weekend (that makes him sound not only a shouter and a swearer but a sulker too. Is he?).

Original poster

PaperHalo · 25/01/2019 09:18

Wow! Missed the comment about putting up with everything so long as he isn’t cheating on me!! Just wow!!! There is literally nothing else to say to that!!

OP posts:

bethy15 · 25/01/2019 09:19

But the things you let go shouldn't spark a huge argument, you can not see eye to eye, but that shouldn't mean that it has to result in him shouting and swearing at you.

The fact you know he does this so let things go, more then you would like to, means there must be an issue with how he resolves conflict. It shouldn't be that way to express how you feel.

You seem to be lost in this relationship, he can do as he wants, and to placate him, you'll not say anything in case it sparks him off.

Do you not think that that speaks volumes about him?

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