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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

OH hugs me and tells me he loves me

309 replies

PaperHalo · 25/01/2019 05:55

AIBU to be cross with my OH for hugging me and telling me he loves me in the morning?

We have an 8 week old DD who sleeps more or less through the night and will wake anything between 04.00 and 07.00. I’m still getting up in the night to express ‘the good milk’ as DD has some health issues so we’ve been advised to make sure she gets it even if she won’t wake to feed.

OH goes to work at 05.15 and EVERY morning he comes into the bedroom and gets in bed next to me, cuddles me and talks to me!!! He isn’t satisfied with just a sleepy grunt in return, he keeps going until I answer him properly and engage in whatever pointless little conversation he feels he needs to have at 05.15!! He will often message me later to ask if I’m ok as ‘you seemed a bit off this morning’!! Well yes!! Yes I am!! You are waking me up!! I don’t need to be awake right now! I could be getting some precious sleep!! But you are waking me up!!

I wouldn’t mind but he sleeps in the spare room at night to make sure he isn’t disturbed by me or baby while he gets his precious sleep!!!

Am unreasonable to hate him just a little for doing this???

OP posts:
bethy15 · 25/01/2019 21:14

@littlecloudling

Isn't the alternative to someone who is acting all lovey dovey someone who calls you a cunt so much you don't even blink when he does it?

Because the OP has plenty of that too.

WineAndTiramisu · 25/01/2019 21:21

Do you really want your child to grow up hearing you being called that? Thinking that daddy yelling is normal, and being too scared of his temper to do normal kid things?

MsTSwift · 25/01/2019 21:23

My dh is like a cat burglar if he has an early departure. Leaves his clothes outside the bedroom uses downstairs loo. I wake up and he is gone. He has never called me or anyone else for that matter a vile name. Raise your standards your poor baby will hear all this and be fucked up.

beansontoastfortea · 25/01/2019 21:27

@MsTSwift my partner is the same... he can creep around like Noones business and I don't hear a peep

buckeejit · 25/01/2019 21:31

I'd start spraying him with a water pistol in the middle of the night of my dh did that to me

bethy15 · 25/01/2019 21:39

The trouble is, with being fine with it and then bringing a child into an abusive environment is what happens to her.

She'll hear him calling you a cunt and think it's normal. He'll call her a cunt for something silly, and scream at her when she says something small and silly, but that he dislikes. She'll then learn, like the OP to squash any thought or desire of her own and not express her sadness or annoyance to not stir him up. Then the pattern will continue.

Or she'll start calling the OP a cunt, as it's just the 'norm' and it happens like someone asking for more desert.

MajesticWhine · 25/01/2019 21:58

Hmm i didn't start out thinking this was abusive but as I have read more of the thread, It does sound really worrying, sorry. You have to be assertive about your needs OP and if that causes a row, then bring it on. Stick up for yourself and have some boundaries. If you avoid conflict at all costs you end up getting badly treated, basically.

RiverTam · 25/01/2019 22:01

OP, I feel very worried about you. Please keep posting, not on this thread if you like, but on the Relationships board.

No woman should ever be called a cunt by her partner, ever. Please don't feel you have to put up with this treatment.

ReaganSomerset · 25/01/2019 22:07

Wake him up when you express tonight, OP. Exactly the same as he does to you. Let us know what he thinks of it. Grin

Giraffesandllamas · 25/01/2019 22:11

instead of expressing milk just get the baby to latch on, they will a lot of the time even if they are asleep.

GabsAlot · 25/01/2019 23:15

my dh can be an arshole but hes never called me a cunt in our whole 20 years

timeisnotaline · 26/01/2019 03:21

And if you shouted at him you fuckwit dickwad would that wash over him? This relationship sounds very unbalanced and you have gotten too used to having to do whatever he wants. But it’s cool because sometimes he makes you a sandwich. Or feeds his baby even.

Qcng · 26/01/2019 08:35

It's not normal to go around shouting and swearing over what should be basic conversations. It's at best shitty, at worst abusive. Stop making excuses for him and enabling it. You have a child who will think this is normal, acceptable behaviour and that it's normal for mum to roll over and take it.
It's not normal. Your child will likely grow up replicating this behaviour, either rolling over and taking abuse like you or being shouty, sweary and abusive themselves.

littlecloudling · 26/01/2019 08:43

@bethy15 @beansontoastfortea
I only read the first post. My bad. I wouldn't mind my DH cuddling me and having a quick chat before we leave for work. Saw it from my perspective.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 26/01/2019 08:51

OP this is definitely not on!

I was in a similar situation (no baby involved), my dh gets up around 3am for work every day, he would roll over, kiss me, tell me he loves me then leave. It used to wake me up every day Angry I simply sat down and said ‘although I live that he does it, don’t, it wakes me up further then I can’t get back to sleep’ he apologised and never did it again. End if story. You dh should take offence.

Sit him down, look him in he eye and say
‘Whilst its amazing he wants to cuddle you before work, please don’t do it any more, You’re tired enough as it’s is, and need your sleep’

ciderhouserules · 26/01/2019 09:43

littlecloudling It does help to read the Full Fucking thread, if you think you are trying to help. Hmm

OP - would you mind if your little daughter goes to nursery and one day calls someone else a Cunt? Do you think the staff will minimise that? Angry They won't, and neither should they. It is abuse, and a child is being abused if it is witnessing verbal abuse.

All those who think it is 'sweet' that he tells her he loves her - it's nice really that you have so little clue about Abuse and Control. It's NOT sweet if your partner wants to wake a sleep-deprived person at 5am - it's a torture technique.
It is also NOT sweet if he wants to be with you all the time. It's controlling.
It is also NOT sweet if he 'needs to know' where you are at all times so that he can 'visualise' you at work. It's controlling.

It is also NOT sweet if he doesn't like you to go out, in case other men look at you, or talk to you. It's controlling, and eventually you stop going out in case it sets him off. This is isolating.
It is NOT sweet if he slaps you for looking at someone in the pub.
It is NOT sweet if he thumps you for talking to a male friend.
It is NOT sweet if he calls you names. Doesn't matter if you think it's just 'how he is' - it would be a dealbreaker for me. No man is worth that.

Op - you know that this is abuse. Otherwise you wouldn't have started this thread.

This is NOT a sweet, good man. He is quite probably ramping up the abuse from verbal to mental, as he is being pushed to the side in the OPs affections. It will get worse as the baby grows, and is more needy. Eventually he will be more obvious about it, and the baby will suffer, and so will your MH. Stop it, stop it ALL now.

EngagedAgain · 26/01/2019 09:58

To those telling the OP to give him a taste of his own medicine I think that will only make things worse. HE will then either turn very nasty on the spot, or will get nastier generally in an obvious way, or maybe worse still, in a not so obvious way.

TrollQueen · 26/01/2019 09:58

I love hearing about how verbally abusive assholes are actually really good guys underneath all the assholeishness...he's just been accidentally painted in a correct poor light.

bethy15 · 26/01/2019 10:01

@littlecloudling

I see, although I don't know why anyone would enjoy being woken up very early every morning when they are already sleep deprived, and then when your body is not waking up, wanting to stay asleep so you can't talk, the man just carries on until you relent, I mean, I can't really imagine anyone thinking that's a good thing.

Try it for two or three days and I imagine you wouldn't think it's a good thing at all.

bethy15 · 26/01/2019 10:05

To those telling the OP to give him a taste of his own medicine I think that will only make things worse. HE will then either turn very nasty on the spot, or will get nastier generally in an obvious way, or maybe worse still, in a not so obvious way.

I very much agree with this.

Perhaps those who have suggested this haven't read that the OP has a verbally abusive partner and are presuming he's just being quite ignorant?

To do that to someone who already has aggression issues and doesn't have a lower setting for conflict could be something that sets him off and makes him escalate.

BuffyFlanket · 26/01/2019 10:05

Mine does this too!

NotANotMan · 26/01/2019 10:13

People always give advice like that on threads where the man is actually abusive. Like when they tell the woman to crash around at 7am to disturb their drunk arsehole husband who rolled in at 4am for the 4th time that month and called her a cunt for complaining about it as if he won't punish her severely for disturbing his hangover. Or telling women to dump the kids on a lazy arse husband at 8am on a Sunday and go out for the day as if he won't ignore and neglect the kids and punish her later.
Abusive men aren't normal. They don't behave like normal men.

EngagedAgain · 26/01/2019 10:14

I think yes there are alot of people who don't really care about others, but then there are alot of people that do. In general day to day life, I can't stand people who PRETEND they care, when they don't. Creeps. When they sense a problem is coming their way quickly back off, or don't come forward. And usually no one notices so they can carry on with their pretence.

EngagedAgain · 26/01/2019 10:14

Sorry wrong thread!

80sMum · 26/01/2019 10:28

I'm sure that with hindsight, OP, you'll realise that you shouldn't have ever put up with your dp shouting and swearing at you. The very first time it happened, you should have talked about it with him afterwards and explained in no uncertain terms that you would not tolerate it and that you would end the relationship if it continued.

So.. you've allowed this bad behaviour to continue for long enough. It must end now. You have a young child and don't want the child to grow up witnessing that sort of behaviour from her dad.

You need to have that conversation now. Tell him you will no longer put up with all the shouting and swearing and he has to change his ways and show you more respect. If he really does love you as he claims he does, then he will want to make the effort for the sake of the future of your relationship. If he refuses to try, then that tells you more about him and his attitude towards you than what he actually says to you.

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