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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

OH hugs me and tells me he loves me

309 replies

PaperHalo · 25/01/2019 05:55

AIBU to be cross with my OH for hugging me and telling me he loves me in the morning?

We have an 8 week old DD who sleeps more or less through the night and will wake anything between 04.00 and 07.00. I’m still getting up in the night to express ‘the good milk’ as DD has some health issues so we’ve been advised to make sure she gets it even if she won’t wake to feed.

OH goes to work at 05.15 and EVERY morning he comes into the bedroom and gets in bed next to me, cuddles me and talks to me!!! He isn’t satisfied with just a sleepy grunt in return, he keeps going until I answer him properly and engage in whatever pointless little conversation he feels he needs to have at 05.15!! He will often message me later to ask if I’m ok as ‘you seemed a bit off this morning’!! Well yes!! Yes I am!! You are waking me up!! I don’t need to be awake right now! I could be getting some precious sleep!! But you are waking me up!!

I wouldn’t mind but he sleeps in the spare room at night to make sure he isn’t disturbed by me or baby while he gets his precious sleep!!!

Am unreasonable to hate him just a little for doing this???

OP posts:

OrchidInTheSun · 25/01/2019 09:20

God this thread is depressing.

This is at least the second one I've read about this in recent weeks too. Men deliberately waking up their sleeping post-partum partners because they are resentful they're not getting up to go to work.

It's abusive behaviour. And if you're not going to raise it until the end of the weekend because you're scared of having a row, then I'm afraid you are treading on eggshells.

SoyDora · 25/01/2019 09:21

Life is too short to argue all the time

I think the point you’re missing is that this shouldn’t be an argument. He is doing something that adversely affects you. Rather than stopping when this is pointed out, it causes an argument.

whiteworld · 25/01/2019 09:21

@princessTiasmum - why should OP think herself lucky that her selfish h wakes her every day?????

whiteworld · 25/01/2019 09:23

Life is too short to argue all the time
I don’t want to ruin the weekend with an argument

You're missing the point! This should not even be an argument. Just you asking your h to stop doing something that distresses and annoys you.

Does he shout and swear and lose his temper at work, with other friends, with family?
Or just with you?

SoyDora · 25/01/2019 09:23

Think yourself lucky you have someone tell you he loves you, i think, maybe not at convenient times but still .......

I would not think myself lucky to have a partner who woke me when he knew I was seriously sleep deprived, and who got angry when I asked him not to and told him how it affected me.

ciderhouserules · 25/01/2019 09:23

Why would there be an argument, though? Are you saying he would cause an atmosphere and sulk because you've told him not to wake you?

You don't have to state that 'I don't want you telling me you love me and hugging me at 5am' - because he'll hear 'you don't want him to hug you and tell you he loves you ever'! You can say 'look, I don't get enough sleep as is it. Can you stop waking me at 5am - text me to tell me you love me, or leave a note, or tell me later in the day'.

And then if he doesn't stop, do as everyone has suggested, and sit on his bed at 2am and chat then.

Incidentally, why is he in the spare room? If the baby of a good sleeper, why isn't he in with you?

Ethel36 · 25/01/2019 09:24

Your partner sounds lovely. Just tell him not to do it anymore because its waking you up and making you feel ill.

Seaweed42 · 25/01/2019 09:24

Wow. He's calling you at 5.15 am!! That wouldn't be on by anyone's standards, no matter if they had a baby or not. Was he doing this to you before you had the baby?
You can't say anything today because your weekend would be ruined with an argument. Because you know what you'll get if you disagree.
So in reality if you do what he wants all the time no one gets hurt. So you've gotten used to pre-empting your behaviour and forecasting his response to everything in order to avoid any sort of conflict with him.
'Life is too short to argue all the time'.
He's just unreasonable then. What you are seeing now is him demanding your attention from the baby.
When you are telling him about the sleep - Reassure First, then State Your Case. So say 'I know you love me, and I love you, however in the mornings I am really really tired having been up a few times. So it'd be absolutely great if you could leave me to sleep and just to work'.

With sensitive immature people like him you have to Put Approval Credit in the bank first (reassure them, pile on praise), then Withdraw Cash (state your case and what you'd like).
Otherwise it'll be seen as 'you don't care about me!' and a huff.

AssassinatedBeauty · 25/01/2019 09:25

"Your partner sounds lovely." .... is it the shouting, swearing and sulking if he is disagreed with that you particularly think is lovely?

InfiniteVariety · 25/01/2019 09:28

he is sh!t at disagreements! He can only ever shout and swear

You do know this is a way of being in control and getting his own way don't you? To make you frightened of setting off the shouting and swearing so you just go through life keeping the peace and living around everything the way he wants it?

When you have a tiny baby sleep is a priority. It is very selfish of him to make sure he gets his but to care so little about yours. He sounds pretty immature.

ciderhouserules · 25/01/2019 09:29

Gosh aren't we all lucky? My DP doesn't sleep with anyone else, doesn't hit me, doesn't wake me, he tidies up after himself, he listens to me when I have a problem with him, and he will try to put it right.

I do the exact same with him. I think it's called equality. And partnership.

Aren't you in a partnership, OP? Shouldn't he be trying to help you, rather than hurt you? Or is it more that he is a bit resentful that he has to go to work whilst you are still in bed? Maybe he'd like to swap?

ReanimatedSGB · 25/01/2019 09:30

Listen, OP, we are here for you. When the abuse escalates, which it will, when you realise how abusive he is, which hopefully you will soon, MN will be here with advice and support. You won't be the first MNer to need it.

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 25/01/2019 09:31

If asking to get unbroken sleep would ruin the weekend then I'd be having the ruined weekend to be honest.

For context, my husband works shifts and used to come home just after midnight then cuddle up to me to fall asleep. This woke me up a couple of nights in a row and I was knackered the next day. All I said to him was could you please stop cuddling up to me when I'm already asleep as it's waking me up and I'm struggling to then get up for work the next morning.

There was a brief "oh, I didn't realise you were waking up,sorry" and that was that. He doesn't do it anymore unless I let him know I'm not asleep yet. No drama. That is a normal way for a couple to have a conversation about their personal needs.

I also had an ex who would wake me up despite me asking him not to. Waking me up when he got in from work quickly escalated into waking me up and expecting sex at whatever time he deemed necessary and various other abuse. I'm not saying your man would go this far but consistently denying someone their sleep is a fabulous abusive tactic to keep them in line because they are too tired to fight the rest of the shit.

You need sleep. He does not need to talk to you in the morning. Your needs trump his wants If he can't won't understand that you have a serious problem.

PerfectlyPetty · 25/01/2019 09:32

For comparison op, this would be my house in the same situation:

Me:’What? I’m sleeping.’ [IGNORE] ‘For fuck’s sake I’m asleep, leave me be!’

Him: ‘Christ ok, I was only saying!’ (Stroppily, in that embarrassed way you get when you know you’ve been a twat and it makes you touchy).

Later that day: He apologises for being a twat, I apologise for telling him to fuck off. And he never wakes me again.

That to me is normal. Never wanting to raise perfectly normal, low-level issues with him in case he shouts and swears is not.

ciderhouserules · 25/01/2019 09:33

'Life is too short to argue all the time'. life is WAY too short to be pushed into the background all the time, afraid to request your needs are met, scared to ask for a better quality of life for you (and your baby, indirectly - a tired mum is often a cranky one, and sleep-deprivation is dangerous).

Asking him to consider your needs is not 'arguing' all the time. It is essential to your Mental (and Physical) Health that you get enough sleep. How can he not see that?

Or - more likely - why doesn't he care? If he 'loves you' so much?

limpbizkit · 25/01/2019 09:34

Bloody hell. This gets labelled abuse.... Jeez. I'm the first to think actually he sounds really sweet. Inappropriate timing of course. Just tell him.

Waterlemon · 25/01/2019 09:34

Oh dear he is a nightmare! I’d have to lock myself in! (Joking)

I don’t get why you’ve been advised to express at night though? All breast milk is “good” no matter what time of the day. I think if you want to express then do I at another time of the day when you are already awake!

There is so much contradictory advice given by healthcare professionals. I really struggled with bf first time round but did my own research with #2. I found this website an absolute life saver (was obviously recommended to me on MN) it’s all research based.

kellymom.com/category/bf/

AssassinatedBeauty · 25/01/2019 09:36

It's the shouting, swearing and sulking when he is disagreed with that's the issue, as well as disregarding the OP when she has said she doesn't want to be woken.

It's depressing that there are so many women who will put up with shitty behaviour from men.

frazzledasarock · 25/01/2019 09:36

For context my DP would never ever do this.

When I had our baby and he was back at work he’d message me throughout the day to see how we were and if I’d send him pictures he’d tell me he was missing us.

He’d wake in the night to help with baby and he’d leave really quietly in the mornings, he’d kiss us quietly goodbye before leaving for work.

I’ve never in my life had to worry about him getting upset for putting my feelings into words to him about anything.

Abusive ex on the other hand, the least I said anything to him the better, it was always about him.

There should be no argument about this, it should be a case of you saying ‘please can you let me sleep in the mornings instead of coming in to our room for conversations, it wakes me up and I need to get sleep after being up and down during the night’ and he should go ‘omg I’m so sorry I didn’t think’ and that should be it.

OrchidInTheSun · 25/01/2019 09:36

What exactly is sweet about waking up a sleep deprived breastfeeding woman who gave birth two months ago?

twirlbabytwirl · 25/01/2019 09:37

What kind of relationship do you have where you can't bring up a small issue that is affecting your sleep so you don't have a bad weekend? OP seriously there is something wrong in your relationship if you have to walk on eggshells for not to ruin a weekend

LagunaBubbles · 25/01/2019 09:37

Life is too short to argue all the time

With all respect OP you're in complete denial. You're minimising it every further post you put on.

ciderhouserules · 25/01/2019 09:38

If asking to get unbroken sleep would ruin the weekend then I'd be having the ruined weekend to be honest. Me too.

Better a 'ruined' weekend (If it sorts the problem) than a year, 18months of broken sleep. And the relationship will be shot then too, you'll be resentful, he will be angry that you are 'not the woman he married'

Stand up for yourself, and demand a bit of consideration. Let him shout. (Then tell him that shouting and abuse is NOT OK!) Demand your respect.

limpbizkit · 25/01/2019 09:38

I seriously can't believe this is getting labelled as abusive. I think some posters need to be really careful of taking the advice of other posters nowadays. Everything is getting mislabelled as abusive. I can't look at this thread anymore I'm literally astounded

Soubriquet · 25/01/2019 09:39

What is it with some women, who’s self respect is so low, they allow to be treated like shit just as long as the man loves her and doesn’t cheat on her?

YANBU OP

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