OH hugs me and tells me he loves me

[PaperHalo]

AIBU to be cross with my OH for hugging me and telling me he loves me in the morning?

We have an 8 week old DD who sleeps more or less through the night and will wake anything between 04.00 and 07.00. I’m still getting up in the night to express ‘the good milk’ as DD has some health issues so we’ve been advised to make sure she gets it even if she won’t wake to feed.

OH goes to work at 05.15 and EVERY morning he comes into the bedroom and gets in bed next to me, cuddles me and talks to me!!! He isn’t satisfied with just a sleepy grunt in return, he keeps going until I answer him properly and engage in whatever pointless little conversation he feels he needs to have at 05.15!! He will often message me later to ask if I’m ok as ‘you seemed a bit off this morning’!! Well yes!! Yes I am!! You are waking me up!! I don’t need to be awake right now! I could be getting some precious sleep!! But you are waking me up!!

I wouldn’t mind but he sleeps in the spare room at night to make sure he isn’t disturbed by me or baby while he gets his precious sleep!!!

Am unreasonable to hate him just a little for doing this???

Things change when you have children. You were not overly bothered about him having tantrums to get his way previously. That does not mean you cannot object now. You can. Your world has changed so you and he have to change. I am sure you feel the enormous changes you have had to make due to motherhood, how you have to push down some of your own impulses and needs to support your baby.

Your child will learn from you and him. How will you manage a child's tantrums when he sees massive tantrums as being the norm for a man? What about when he has a disagreement at nursery and screams "you fucking cunt" in the face of another 3 year old because that's how he sees his dad behaving at home. I have seen exactly this happen in a nursery.

What you could tolerate for you alone you might not tolerate for your children.

Tackle this quick before your children are fucked up, the nursery is calling SS and the other mums give you pitying looks as they avoid playdates.

OP I think you do need to really take a good look at this relationship. Him calling you a cunt is vile, and he sounds awful. Even my abusive ex never went that far. And maybe he does do some nice things; abusers are hardly ever 100% abusive, or women would never get involved to start with. Personally, I'd get out now. Then your DC can grow up with your partner's influence reduced, less chance of copying that crap behaviour.

Take a look at the Relationships board. Lots of good advice there, and there's even a post stickied at the top of the board containing lots of information on what red flags to look for.

Calling you a c*t is abhorrent. Its very blatant verbal aggression. There's no covert subtle abuse. I have been in a psychologically abusive relationship and he was subtle as subtle could be. Made me question my own sanity type stuff. The most clever kind of abuse. So so very difficult to prove or have anyone ever believe me. But this is blatant. Calling someone names like that is vile. As others have said - what about if your child starts hearing this and thinks its normal? Also when he's spouting off with his potty mouth what do you do? Is it an argument? Do you argue back? Or is this random explosive outbursts that come out of nothing?

Thing is, OP, I think even you think this is a really small little thing. Your title even says 'OH hugs me and tells me he loves me' and lots of posters have responded to that; as in 'how could you possibly object?' and even 'think yourself lucky, he could be shagging his colleagues' (wtf !)
Rather than 'OH wakes me up at 5am to chat even tho I'd been up with a newborn'. Which is a whole other thing! It is abusive. I think you really feel that this is a little problem, and you can and should deal with it calmly and quietly and somehow persuade him to not do it.

BUT - this man (who 'loves you' ) IS waking you. Not a quick peck and 'love you'; out the door - no, he is actively waking you. A sleepy mumble from you is not enough - he has to wake you fully, so that you concentrate on HIM. It's asserting himself as above you, he is the worker who goes to work, you are the little woman who is lazing in bed!

As I said upthread, this will not stop here. He will continue to put you in your place, either with shouts and vile name-calling and intimidation, or you just putting up with it. You've put up with this for how long? To 'keep the peace'? How long before he starts asserting himself above your dc? Calling them foul names to cow them into submission (and submissive is what you are, now)?

You can try counselling with him, if he'll go (IF he'll consider it a problem - which it isn't, for him!) or you can put up with it until you snap and leave him.

Life is too short, as you rightly say. Don't spend you one and only life with an abuser.

So how did it go, OP? Did you raise it with him yesterday? And did he wake you as normal today?

It really is not good to be used to being called C**T.
It would be perfectly reasonable of you to ask him to stop calling you that (especially as you now have a baby) and to stop waking you up in the morning.

How did it go OP? Did you have any discussion about it yesterday?

He obviously needs to move back into the bedroom and keep you company whilst you express.

Bet he won't be quite so chatty then.

At first your post is funny but then you realise you must be knackered! Tell him not to disturb you at all! Give and take and all that!
@AnyOldPrion I think this is what happened to me. I didn't realise that was a thing. Yes I too wish I had mumsnet during that awful time too.