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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

OH hugs me and tells me he loves me

309 replies

PaperHalo · 25/01/2019 05:55

AIBU to be cross with my OH for hugging me and telling me he loves me in the morning?

We have an 8 week old DD who sleeps more or less through the night and will wake anything between 04.00 and 07.00. I’m still getting up in the night to express ‘the good milk’ as DD has some health issues so we’ve been advised to make sure she gets it even if she won’t wake to feed.

OH goes to work at 05.15 and EVERY morning he comes into the bedroom and gets in bed next to me, cuddles me and talks to me!!! He isn’t satisfied with just a sleepy grunt in return, he keeps going until I answer him properly and engage in whatever pointless little conversation he feels he needs to have at 05.15!! He will often message me later to ask if I’m ok as ‘you seemed a bit off this morning’!! Well yes!! Yes I am!! You are waking me up!! I don’t need to be awake right now! I could be getting some precious sleep!! But you are waking me up!!

I wouldn’t mind but he sleeps in the spare room at night to make sure he isn’t disturbed by me or baby while he gets his precious sleep!!!

Am unreasonable to hate him just a little for doing this???

OP posts:
AlsoBling2 · 25/01/2019 07:42

Honestly, there's so much going on here. Absolutely not ok to.wake a sleeping mother or.baby. but the fact that you worry it all create an argument and that arguments with him are so unpleasant that you avoid all.conflict is equally concerning.

I'm not usually one to leap straight in with cries of "abuse" but this worried me. It seems to me that he has massive control over you.

Are there other "minor" irritations that you havr let go to avoid arguments?

Babygrey7 · 25/01/2019 07:43

He is not a "good guy" if you have to tiptoe around him and can never have a disagreement with him as he "screams and shouts" Sad

He is fucking with your mind

This "nice guy" is a bully, and you don't see it.

Women are not afraid of genuine nice guys, nor do they have to keep the peace by simply never saying what they think/feel

QuarterMileAtATime · 25/01/2019 07:43

Sorry, missed the part about him being prone to anger. 😕

7yo7yo · 25/01/2019 07:43

Put your equipment for pumping milk in the spare room and sit with him to pump. Wake him up, chat, laugh, make noise.
On the hand you could insist he moves back in to the main bedroom and do his share of wakings.
Talk to him first op, if he starts arguing then you have bigger problems than you think.

AllSuits · 25/01/2019 07:46

This would only happen once with my DH - I'd be livid! But he has zero anger issues and he'd feel terrible if I explained why I didn't want him to wake me.

OP I'm really sorry it sounds like there are deeper issues here.

LizzieSiddal · 25/01/2019 07:50

Bloody hell you have the patience of a saint!
Tell him explicitly tonight that you love him dearly but 5.30 in the morning is not the time for a cuddle. Tell him he’s not to wake you unless the house is on fire!

My Dh has always woken between 4.30 and 5, he’s known from day one that he is never to wake me up for a morning chat as I will not be happy.

It did work out well when we had babies/small dc, though as he would get up with them when they woke early and I would get lie ins every single weekend!

Yabbers · 25/01/2019 07:51

I don’t push it as even though it is annoying, I don’t think it’s worth an argument
Why are you here in that case? Just live with it and move on.

ILiveInSalemsLot · 25/01/2019 07:52

Never be afraid of an argument to establish your boundaries. You’ll end up walked over and miserable.

LagunaBubbles · 25/01/2019 07:54

have told him! More than once but more of a mentioning it in passing kind of way, he thinks it’s nice and doesn’t understand why it’s a problem... I don’t push it as even though it is annoying, I don’t think it’s worth an argument

Thats the problem then. You need to talk to him and be clear to make him understand that it's not acceptable as you need your sleep. If you're being a bit wishy washy about it because you're scared of an argument then there's something else going on.

RiverTam · 25/01/2019 07:55

His response to arguments doesn't bode well, does it? Useful tool for keeping your exhausted partner in line, though. He sounds like an utterly inconsiderate prick, tbh.

Strugglingtodomybest · 25/01/2019 08:01

That would be grounds for divorce in our house. 5.15am, seriously? There's no way he can genuinely think this is a nice thing to do surely?

Loveatthefiveanddime · 25/01/2019 08:03

YANBU at alllllll.

Has he always done this since he has been waking at that time?

Fightingfit2019 · 25/01/2019 08:04

Most women if they explained that to their dp’s, would get a hug, a kiss, a big apology and they would never do it again. They wouldn’t worry about telling them, incase it caused an argument, with their dp swearing and shouting🤷🏻‍♀️

TotallyWipedout · 25/01/2019 08:04

I don't like the sound of 'zero to angry' (I was - note was - married to one of those).

That said, I think some of the comments on here might be a bit harsh. Is it possible, OP, that your OH feels a bit threatened by you being in separate rooms and is trying (albeit in a stupid and annoying way) to make sure that everything is still ok and that separate rooms aren't really because you've 'gone off him'?

My XH moved to the spare room when our DC were small. It was, initially, apparently, so he could sleep before work. As we both really knew, though, it was because our marriage was rotten.

TotallyWipedout · 25/01/2019 08:07

Also meant to say that if there is no 'sinister' reason for you being happy with him not in your bed, and you do love him to bits, you need to tell him that you do love him, very much, but that being woken up at 5.15 for a conversation is upsetting you and making you even more tired. Make it about you, not about him, if you want to avoid an argument (I became an expert at argument-avoidance, so I understand this).

frazzledasarock · 25/01/2019 08:10

You need it sit down and tell him to stop doing this.

And it should not cause an argument, altho he sounds incredibly stupid to be doing this in the first place.

If he doesn’t stop, I’d start doing the same back at 4am after you’ve been up expressing. Have detailed inane conversations till he’s wide awake and then go to bed yourself.

Quartz2208 · 25/01/2019 08:15

sleep deprivation is torture and he is in effect stopping you getting a core bit of sleep - its wrong or him and absolutely worth telling him so. How would he feel if you went in the middle of the night to talk to him and hug him when you were pumping

But you seem scared of him and making a point

NotANotMan · 25/01/2019 08:18

So you can't assert your views or needs in case he shouts and rages at you? That's not 'a bit shit' that's full on abusive.

PositiveVibez · 25/01/2019 08:23

he has no first or middle setting and I cba with that - life is too short!

Oh that's shit. So you would rather walk on eggshells for the rest of your life because you are what? Scared of upsetting him? Worried about him kicking off?

Life is too bloody short to spend it appeasing a man with a fiery temper.

I can't imagine being scared to ask my husband to not wake me up for fear of him kicking off.

That's not right.

Jimjamjong · 25/01/2019 08:25

I would just tell him clearly as soon as he gets back from work: "I need to sleep when I can, if you wake me up again I will wake you up every time I am up in the night so you can feel how tired I am."
I am sure he won't wake you up after that.

ReanimatedSGB · 25/01/2019 08:26

I think it's likely that he's abusive, as well. An abusive man will usually ramp up the control during pregnancy and when the baby arrives - this waking you up unnecessarily is about reminding you that you must put Your Man first. You've probably spent most of the relationship giving in and shutting up if he has form for shouting and screaming when he doesn't get his own way, or is asked to be considerate, but you'd have bought into the whole 'pick your battles' 'don't fuss about little things' bullshit that is routinely peddled to women to remind them that they must be compliant and obey men willingly.

TinyTear · 25/01/2019 08:28

Lock the bedroom door

ChasedByBees · 25/01/2019 08:31

He doesn’t sound like a nice guy if he will just swear and shout and you try and discuss something with him.

Bubs101 · 25/01/2019 08:40

tell him the night before you want some rest so will lock your door so he can't get in, and when he inevitably gets annoyed just be honest, he'll get the message eventually.

SoyDora · 25/01/2019 08:43

My OH is a good guy but he is sh!t at disagreements! He can only ever shout and swear, he has no first or middle setting and I cba with that - life is too short!

But why would it be a disagreement? Surely if you tell him that it’s causing you to lose sleep (although he should know that anyway) there’s no disagreement to be had? He would just say ‘ooh sorry, didn’t think of it like that. I won’t do it again’?