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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

OH hugs me and tells me he loves me

309 replies

PaperHalo · 25/01/2019 05:55

AIBU to be cross with my OH for hugging me and telling me he loves me in the morning?

We have an 8 week old DD who sleeps more or less through the night and will wake anything between 04.00 and 07.00. I’m still getting up in the night to express ‘the good milk’ as DD has some health issues so we’ve been advised to make sure she gets it even if she won’t wake to feed.

OH goes to work at 05.15 and EVERY morning he comes into the bedroom and gets in bed next to me, cuddles me and talks to me!!! He isn’t satisfied with just a sleepy grunt in return, he keeps going until I answer him properly and engage in whatever pointless little conversation he feels he needs to have at 05.15!! He will often message me later to ask if I’m ok as ‘you seemed a bit off this morning’!! Well yes!! Yes I am!! You are waking me up!! I don’t need to be awake right now! I could be getting some precious sleep!! But you are waking me up!!

I wouldn’t mind but he sleeps in the spare room at night to make sure he isn’t disturbed by me or baby while he gets his precious sleep!!!

Am unreasonable to hate him just a little for doing this???

OP posts:
OrchidInTheSun · 25/01/2019 06:35

Why don't you think it's worth an argument? He's waking you up. Tell him to stop!

pictish · 25/01/2019 06:36

Then he’s a wanker isn’t he?
Does he often override your opinions, prioritise his own agenda, tell you you’re being ‘oversensitive’ when you’re upset about things...stuff like that?

He knows fine it’s a problem and why. It’s not a difficult concept to grasp is it? Don’t wake me up at 5am when the baby is sleeping.
He’s being a prick.

HAMGina · 25/01/2019 06:36

Yup!

Knew it - his reaction is everything.

It shouldn't even have to be an argument!

The normal response is sorry love! And maybe lightly kiss you on the forehead before he tiptoes out.

He's waking you on purpose - and the phone call later is just to make sure he know he got a reaction.

Dressing it up with the "nice" is manipulative - not saying he is a nice guy abuser of course - but this is not good.

53rdWay · 25/01/2019 06:37

Well yes!! Yes I am!! You are waking me up!! I don’t need to be awake right now! I could be getting some precious sleep!! But you are waking me up!!

Reply with that the next time he texts you about you being ‘off’.

pictish · 25/01/2019 06:40

Also, the fact that you won’t ‘push it’ because there will be an argument speaks volumes. You know he’ll kick off shit if you tell him no. Not good.

You shouldn’t have to ‘push it’ in the first place. You should be able to state your case without any drama while he calmly agrees that he won’t do it again.
But that won’t happen will it?

It’s all about control and self-importance. His, not yours.

Somuchroom · 25/01/2019 06:42

This feels a bit like a red flag op. Hope you’re ok.

timeisnotaline · 25/01/2019 06:42

. I don’t push it as even though it is annoying, I don’t think it’s worth an argument.
You must be very very mild mannered. Because I think far from not being worth an argument its grounds for murder. If my dh ignored me asking him to stop id be waking him two hourly and getting extremely pissed off if he objected to my sweet loving desire for his wide awake company.

Ladyoftheloch · 25/01/2019 06:42

Stop being so passive about it. Just straight up tell him ‘stop waking me in the morning, I need to sleep, it’s very selfish.’

Highonthehill · 25/01/2019 06:45

Yanbu tell him if you are asleep then to leave quietly and send you a text or.if he has to a little note on the pillow.

My dh learnt quickly that if I am asleep then leave it that way... better than dealing with my woken up personality "bear with a sore head"

TanteRose · 25/01/2019 06:50

not worth an argument

hmm this is telling - it shouldn't become an argument.

actually, another issue - do you really need to wake up to pump? she is getting the good stuff during the day, surely? Or are you back at work already and need the breastmilk for bottles?

AnyOldPrion · 25/01/2019 06:51

I don’t push it as even though it is annoying, I don’t think it’s worth an argument.

As others have said, this shouldn’t result in an argument. You should be able to assertively state your position and he should respect it.

“I’m finding it frustrating when you come in early and wake me up. I’m already short of sleep and I need all I can get. Will you stop doing it please?”

If he then argues or continues once you’ve been clear, then I think you need to consider whether he is acting abusively in other ways.

Please be aware that the arrival of a baby is a common time for abusive men to start to put pressure on their partners. If you feel he’s overstepping boundaries, you need to state your case clearly, then watch how he responds. You need to assert yourself here or you might find much later that you and your child are creeping round his feelings and walking on eggshells trying not to annoy him. It’s no life.

Sorry if that sounds negative, but my husband started to overstep boundaries when I was pregnant, then worsened when our first baby arrived. It was much later that I discovered it’s a common pattern.

If you need to know whether what you’re requesting is reasonable (if he pressures you, you might start to doubt yourself) then ask here on the relationships board. I wish the women of Mumsnet had been available to me when I was starting out.

RoseReally · 25/01/2019 06:56

YANBU, tell him to stop, it's really not fair. My DH did something similar when my DD was a baby and was up a lot during the night. He got a great night's sleep in the spare room and then in the morning would come into our room to get dressed or whatever and very often 'accidentally' wake the baby. I think he just wanted to cuddle her before leaving for the day. I used to get really pissed off with him but he didn't stop doing it until we went on holiday and we were all sleeping in the same room, and he finally realised how little sleep I was getting!

dudsville · 25/01/2019 06:57

I think he needs to see your anger and frustration. I think justified anger expressed in an adult way is a powerful voice women have been trained out of using. You've tried reasonable discussion. No need to resort to covert tactics in the hope he'll understand.

StoppinBy · 25/01/2019 06:58

YANBU My DH had to stop coming in to our room to kiss me good bye in the morning when he left for work as it would wake our son and he would literally sneak in and kiss me then sneak out.

Whoopsies · 25/01/2019 06:59

That would drive me mad!! My dh gets up at 5 for work every day and gets up so quietly and tiptoes out the bedroom to get dressed downstairs!

Cauliflowersqueeze · 25/01/2019 07:00

If it’s “not worth an argument” what could his argument possibly be?? That he feels he has the right to wake you up and force you to have à conversation every morning when you’ve been up and down all night with a baby?

It’s not a soft kiss goodbye that you barely notice. He’s being horrible.

Happygolucky009 · 25/01/2019 07:01

Congratulations on your new baby, the sleep patterns are good and I would be encouraging him to return into a mutual sleeping space.....children will always have broken sleep at times and it can be unpredictable. Will he always prioritize his needs and will you always sleep separately? Perhaps if he sees what your night is like, he may want an extra 10 mins snuggling a sleepy you before quietly going to work.... if not this ANOTHER red flag and you need to consider your future as a family with this man

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/01/2019 07:05

This is absolutely worth the argument imo. Sleep shouldn’t the underated.

SlinkyDinkyDoo · 25/01/2019 07:07

Christ on a bike if my husband had done that to me we'd be divorced.

Tell him in no uncertain terms he MUST stop. Though frankly he's an utter twat if he doesn't independently realise he is BU, thoughtless, selfish and annoying.

QueenAnneBoleyn · 25/01/2019 07:07

YANBU. Show him this thread! Grin

Boysandbuses · 25/01/2019 07:08

Not worth the argument. If you telling him in a decent way, begore you end up losing your shit and it causes an argument, then you have bigger problems.

Original poster
PaperHalo · 25/01/2019 07:09

I think I will tell him again not to do it, I thought I was being a bit of a cow getting cross over a cuddle and a kiss but sleep is precious!! I just think over the years I’ve got into the habit of letting things go, it’s just easier that way. My OH is a good guy but he is sh!t at disagreements! He can only ever shout and swear, he has no first or middle setting and I cba with that - life is too short!

OP posts:
countrygirl99 · 25/01/2019 07:09

If he is anything like my OH "mentioning it in passing" or dropping hints just doesn't register or doesn't register correctly. You might as well just say blah blah blah.. You have to put in in plain straightforward terms and check he has heard and understood.
I learned the lesson when I dropped what I thought were extremely unsubtle heavy hints about a nice watch for a signficant birthday and got a hideous carriage clock.

Believeitornot · 25/01/2019 07:10

Be more specific about it to him.

Tell him it’s disturbing your sleep etc etc.

If he keeps doing it, wedge a chair by the door.

Boysandbuses · 25/01/2019 07:11

Dp was one of those who went from zero to anger. I dumped him and told him why at the beginning. He went off and sorted himself out then came back and asked to try again.

He doesn't do it anymore. You don't have to accept how he is and never have had to just keep quiet for an easy life.