Tell me - is this rascist?

[PooleySpooley]

Son is mixed race. I am white as are his siblings. He has rarely experienced any racism. He has a really good relationship with his father and his family who I am not with.

He has a PT job.

He told me today that while he is working the checkout he often gets asked “where he is from” and when he says “here” the questioner will probe “originally”.

This shocked me and pissed me off because in my head the questioner is probing more because his answer is unacceptable to them because DS doesn’t look like what the questioners idea of what a British person looks like.

A very good friend says he should be encouraged to be proud of his heritage (which he is but there are many strands to that as it’s a grandparent who is Asian and he has three other grandparents) and is it ok for him to be asked this continually?

It seems from this thread that small talk should stop because you will get in trouble for being racist, sexist or homophobic.

Context.

A young lad is ringing through a customer's purchase. The customer feels the need to fill these few minutes with 'small talk'. Small talk is 'looks like rain', 'busy in here today innit?', not 'explain your cultural heritage in the time it takes you to ring through my jeggings'.

Do: ask racial/sexual/religious questions to someone with whom you have established a basic mutual trust and respect.

Don't: ask personal questions to strangers and then challenge their answers because they don't align with your prejudices.

People do this to me. They guess anywhere between Spanish, Italian, south American, sometimes Turkish/Greek. Ha, til they hear me speak, I'm cockney as fuck No one ever guesses right. My nan & grandad were Jamaican and their parents were Indian and my dad is white English.

I just tell them I'm from Edmonton (next to Tottenham, North London). When they insist where am I REALLY from, I just deadpan Edmonton again. With this face

I've never got het up about it though but then other than that, if it's racism, I've never experienced any other racism.

It's interesting that a lot of people who are saying it's racist are white. As a mixed race person I don't think it's racist at all. In fact, I'd be really sad if little old biddies in M&S stopped making random conversation with me because they wondered ehether what they said would offend.

I love being asked 'where are you from' - I'm like 'South Coast, they're like oh, but where are you really from? I'm like well 'my mum's from x, my dad's from y' then they usually say something like 'mixed race people are so clever and beautiful.... and I saunter off feeling v smug.

There's enough actual racist shite to contend with that I think this is such a non-issue.

I made my point didn't miss anything.
It seems the people who haven't dealt with this find it more an issue than the ones who do.
I have had this happen since I was little and didn't realise the huge amount of racism I was received.

I've even been told that my dad wasn't my dad because he was black and I was white, I put it down to people/children not understanding or being noisy rather than racism.

@betterbeslytherin
Who are they... what me. The group of mixed race people.

The other thing that makes me laugh is if DP walks in somewhere first and you can see all the liberal hipsters (there's a lot round here) look down their nose at him, he's stocky, white, has a skin head, cockney too, no tattoos or piercings though, and then I walk in and they see we're together. Their faces are a picture. Judgemental wankers.

So prejudice works all ways.

@Inkstainedmags - but where is the border? British people are accused of being stiff upper lip, not asking or engaging etc like some others

Also white people are accused of being racist and white privileged

Also if white British do engage with people who aren't white British it's unacceptable to engage with anything other than completely standard questions ... not daring to mention or ask something incase it's deemed racist or offend?!

I know someone who is half Korean and half Black, her face is incredible and very arresting.

If i didn't know her but she was just serving me in a shop is there a non racist way to find out her mix or not?

I don't think it's intentionally racist, I think it's a curious question. I have olive skin, but I'm from UK and all my ancestors as far as we know were too. I've been asked where I am from over and over by all types of people and often they will argue you must have some Italian heritage... It's not offensive though, it would be if they said I don't like italians. There is a big difference there

• So what are white people asked? Has no one been asked if they are Irish or Scottish due to there surname?*

A white person in Cardiff night be asked about their Essex accent but they would never get a disbelieving "Where is your accent really from?"

Most people alive in the UK today will have known non-white Brits since they can remember so should know better than to deny someone's answer that they are from Wimbledon or whatever UK place.

I get asked this question even though I'm white. I think people are just generally curious and they don't consider that they may be being racist. It does get irritating though as just because I'm dark haired and olive skinned I get questioned. It happens even more abroad - last week someone got in a lift with me just to ask me if I was 'pure' English. They weren't convinced with the answer .

I actually think the accent thing and comparing it is down right offensive.

He’s working in Primark - why the hell should it be ok to have to explain his family tree to everyone, because he’s “off white”.

It would be less offensive if people just asked why he is “brown”.

Yes it's racist.

Yes this is another example of casual racism and Im sad to see so many people think this it is okay.
The point is that he would not be asked this if he were white. The people who are asking are making the implicit assumption that"real" English people are white.

but where is the border?

Context defines the border @flumpybear. Tailor your questions to where you are on the spectrum of interactions from public, unequal short transaction to private, equal, long-standing relationship.

Err on the side of impersonal for the former (Are you a student? Do you have a long shift today? Have you worked here long?) and feel free to open up a dialogue on increasingly personal or sensitive topics as you move towards the latter. Listen to people's answers with an open mind, not a preset expectation. Decide whether and how to challenge an answer that doesn't sit right with you based on context as described above. If you fuck up and someone calls you on it, don't get defensive. Reflect, apologise and try to do better in your next interaction.

That's how I roll anyway.

Also @flumpybear white privilege is real. If you don't believe that, you just haven't learned enough about the concept yet.

@Moknicker ffs that's the point !! What's wrong with being nice and enquiring about heritage ? Why is it bad to think its ok to have a heritage? Don't ask because it's 'bad' to ask?' Heritage neutral ...???

vintage how do you know who is white and who isn’t? This is an anonymous forum.

I get this and it's annoying and fucking nosey.

Because if I answer with the English town I was born and raised in it's never the 'right' answer

@Inkstainedmags - white privilege isn't just all whites, its some only.

Also Perhaps let's all try to meet in the middle - white privilege is a minority ... whites are also demonised and pushed aside, from all angles ... widen the middle, common ground and dilute the extremities

flumpy do you ask someone from Nottingham about their heritage? Or only if they’re brown...

Wtf, of course it’s all whites.

I know someone who is half Korean and half Black...If i didn't know her but she was just serving me in a shop is there a non racist way to find out her mix or not?

But, the question is, why do you want to know? Saying "her mix" makes her sound like some sort of pet or something that has been bred to please aesthetically. Genuinely, if this is someone who works in a shop that you'll see in passing, does it honestly matter to you where she is from? Do you want to know because you find her face attractive? Why not just say something like, "Your hair/eyes/bone structure is amazing" or "you're very striking-looking." If the person wants to volunteer the information that's fine, but honestly, however interested you are, it's not up to the person to satisfy your curiousity/nosiness.