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AIBU?

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Original poster

Tell me - is this rascist?

279 replies

PooleySpooley · 24/01/2019 22:37

Son is mixed race. I am white as are his siblings. He has rarely experienced any racism. He has a really good relationship with his father and his family who I am not with.

He has a PT job.

He told me today that while he is working the checkout he often gets asked “where he is from” and when he says “here” the questioner will probe “originally”.

This shocked me and pissed me off because in my head the questioner is probing more because his answer is unacceptable to them because DS doesn’t look like what the questioners idea of what a British person looks like.

A very good friend says he should be encouraged to be proud of his heritage (which he is but there are many strands to that as it’s a grandparent who is Asian and he has three other grandparents) and is it ok for him to be asked this continually?

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 25/01/2019 21:08

Quite apart from the racism behind the question, it's actually far too personal a question to ask someone you don't know at all, especially when they're working. They're also not in a position to tell you to get lost, as you're a customer and you could make a complaint.

What happened to minding your own business?

Lemoneeza · 25/01/2019 21:08

mixed race people are so clever and beautiful....

this is fetishisation (sp?) and definite racism. the insinuation being that other heritages need a dash of white to make them palatable.

beansontoastfortea · 25/01/2019 21:12

They're asking because they're interested I guess and I don't think it's racist at all!

I am white and I have the weirdest surname, it's Romanian as I married a Romanian and I cannot tell you how many times people say
'That's unusual wheres that name from' I don't think that's racist

They simply want to know where your beautiful son is from... just answer the question and say I'm from uk but my dad is Mongolian

But then again if you don't want to answer someone's questions just don't and leave it at that

Oppsdaisies · 25/01/2019 21:14

I'm mixed raced but have white skin but more of my mum's (west indies) features. Most of the people who ask where I'm really from (or sometimes where my parents are from) aren't white. I've never been offended by but understand why some people might be. I actually find it a good conversation starter.

Annabel7 · 25/01/2019 21:17

Speaking as someone with a non-English parent and brown skin, I think it's curiosity. It's also friggin' tiresome when you've had it all your life. When I've said the town I was born and grew up in, I've also been accused of being ashamed of my heritage. Sigh...

TooManyPaws · 25/01/2019 21:23

I accidentally fell into this a few years back when I asked the guy in the local shop in my previous village where he was from. It was only when I saw him stiffen that I realised what he thought I meant. I hurriedly pointed out that he didn't have a Scots accent and while I knew that his wife (also of Indian heritage) was from Dundee, I couldn't place his accent. At that, he relaxed and said that he was from Wales. In my current village, the shop owners are from Pakistan but their adult children are from Yorkshire; their grandchildren are Scots. I am interested in where people are actually from as opposed to their racial heritage as I'm not local to where I live but no one believes me that I'm from up north due to my RP accent. I'm very careful how I word it though now.

SingaSong12 · 25/01/2019 21:23

Depends on context for me. At a party trying to get to know someone I don’t mind “where are you from?” Newcastle “and your parents?” India . It is part of a discussion that may involve job, hobbies etc.

Randomly on a train and as the start of a conversation and when there is disbelief I find it racist/offensive

I was in a taxi and had following exchange
“Where are you from?” Newcastle “Where are you really from?” Newcastle
“but where are your parents from?” Felt I had to answer as had at least another ten minutes - India
“are they shopkeepers or doctors?”

pineapplebryanbrown · 25/01/2019 21:38

These threads always go the same way, why do we keep talking about race.

Isn't the short answer don't ask personal questions of strangers and don't say anything personal to strangers either.

vintagemoo · 25/01/2019 21:40

Lemoneeza

It's not fetishism. It's because looking unusual, being different, is cool and should be celebrated. Im so proud of my heritage and will happilly explain it to anyone. I look very unusual, and the thing that actually makes me sad is when I see people clock it, but then look nervous and awkward because i saw them clock it, and then not say anything. I'm not the same as a white British person. Don't reduce me to that. I'm me.

The intelligence thing is actually founded in science - expanding genes is a good thing.

Lizzie48 · 25/01/2019 21:44

@beansontoastfortea

I had a Czech surname growing up, which no one could spell! I hated it as child, mainly because it led to a lot of bullying at school. It was during the Cold War, too, and my F had a Czech accent which led to accusations that he was a Soviet spy.

So because of that and because he was abusive towards us, I was glad to leave it behind me when I got married.

It's a deeply personal question and not everyone wants to talk about their family tree, as a PP said, and most definitely not with a stranger who is just being nosy,

Thatsthewayilikeituhhuh · 25/01/2019 21:44

Go to glasgow without opening your mouth, wearing neutral colours being asked what school you went to. The school you say will determine your religion and await the bigotry in the way of supposed banter will emit from their mouth.
Ignoranamous bigots everywhere. Just chalk them up as ignorant.

May50 · 25/01/2019 21:49

Yes, it is racist. It is 'othering'. I have olive skin, as did my dad - he was illegitimate, knew nothing of his biological father. so - when I am asked the question, the true answer is 100% English, however when people push if I say I don't know any further I get pushed and pushed. I don't always feel like I want to tell a stranger why I don't know. My dad was always very defensive of his birth situation. They also think I'm lying too. Oh but you must know etc - subtext because I'm not really one of them. Then sometimes they start guessing and think I'm suddenly going to turn round and say oh yes that's it.

I don't know my family tree, and I'm happy with that. It's other people who are insistent in knowing the ins and outs of my family history. I am not allowed to be English.

findingmyfeet12 · 25/01/2019 22:06

The reason these threads always turn towards race is because that is the only reason the question has been asked!

It's totally not the same as being asked where your name is from!

pineapplebryanbrown · 25/01/2019 22:09

Lizzie that's very ignorant. Many Czechs made a substantial contribution in the war effort, just a smattering of history should tell them that.

Lizzie48 · 25/01/2019 22:18

I know, tell me about it. Two of my great uncles were in concentration camps (one of them died, we've become close to his son in recent years, my cousin, who lives in Canada now) and my grandfather was shot for being in the Resistance.

So there is a proud family history which we should try to reclaim really.

pineapplebryanbrown · 25/01/2019 22:25

Lizzie i completely agree, many nationals of other countries actually joined British forces when their own countries were occupied. A lot of Danish and Norwegian ships that were at sea came straight to Britain and were reflagged as British for the duration of the War. It was immensely brave to do that.

Lushlemming · 25/01/2019 22:45

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

dublindingledarling · 26/01/2019 00:59

What is the acceptable way to ask about someone's heritage? I'm not being goady, honest. Im curious about people. If I met someone with hooded eyes, I'd be really interested to know what their family background / ethnicity was. I'm not assuming they aren't British. Now I'm very very highly unlikely to ask someone that question as I absolutely would worry they'd think I was being racist. But I don't think my interest is coming from a place of prejudice. I totally accept I could be wrong, though.

pineapplebryanbrown · 26/01/2019 02:06

Dublin not allowed to be curious.

NonExistentFox · 26/01/2019 04:21

Quite apart from the racism behind the question, it's actually far too personal a question to ask someone you don't know at all, especially when they're working. They're also not in a position to tell you to get lost, as you're a customer and you could make a complaint.

Yes. I'm wondering if these customers even bother to converse with inconspicuously white staff?

PregnantSea · 26/01/2019 04:26

It's not racist, that's over the top.

It is, however, pretty tactless. I certainly wouldn't ask someone that question because I would feel a bit rude/silly. Your son has the right to be annoyed by it if it bothers him. Personally I don't mind questions like that - I'm an immigrant so get asked this question all the time and i usually just assume people are making conversation? It's up to your son how he feels about it I suppose.

berniebee · 26/01/2019 05:00

I think people mean it as in what is your heritage, ancestors, family origins. I also think it would generally be asked by someone who was genuinely interested and nice making conversation rather than a racist who probably wouldn’t even bother to ask. For that reason I don’t see it as offensive. It’s just like names can indicate a different heritage/origins even though that’s not in your lifetime.

floribunda18 · 26/01/2019 05:23

I had a teacher when I was 6/7 years old, who was petite and pretty with very long dark hair she wore in a plait to her waist, and to my eyes at the time she looked to have some kind of Asian heritage. I'm afraid I did the "Where are you really from?" question, out of curiosity certainly not racism and certainly not knowing then in the early 80s and at that age that it could cause offence. She was dismissive and cross, but could have at least explained why it offended her that I'd asked instead of just leaving me perplexed and embarrassed.

Not that I'm saying the OP's son has the same responsibility as my teacher, he shouldn't have to say anything at all.

But I think it was wrong of my teacher to dismiss my natural curiosity as a young child, though she certainly didn't owe me the answer, but an explanation about why she was offended would have been nice.

OhTheRoses · 26/01/2019 05:55

I have an unusual first and family name - my maiden name was forrin. People commented and asked questions all the time. I'm white. Nod and smile and answer nicely. Funnily enough the worst culprits are nurses and bearing in mind the amount the nhs spends on e&d that's a contradiction in itself.

I don't think such questions are racist though. They are just insensitive.

MonaLisaDoesntSmile · 26/01/2019 08:10

I think the unusual looks sometimes probe this- not because people are racist, but because they are curious. So maybe people don;t want to make your son feel 'foreign' or point out he does not look British, but they wonder what are the origins of his unusual appearance, heritage etc. Something to be proud of rather than getting pissed off about!
I love accents for example and often wonder where people are from, especially when I hear them speak in a foreign language. I once asked a lady with a really lovely unusual accent I have not heard before where she was from, I loved the melody of the language she was speaking with, and she felt very insulted because she was British (although as I found out later not of British heritage). And I never meant to undermine her Britishness!