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AIBU?

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Original poster

Tell me - is this rascist?

279 replies

PooleySpooley · 24/01/2019 22:37

Son is mixed race. I am white as are his siblings. He has rarely experienced any racism. He has a really good relationship with his father and his family who I am not with.

He has a PT job.

He told me today that while he is working the checkout he often gets asked “where he is from” and when he says “here” the questioner will probe “originally”.

This shocked me and pissed me off because in my head the questioner is probing more because his answer is unacceptable to them because DS doesn’t look like what the questioners idea of what a British person looks like.

A very good friend says he should be encouraged to be proud of his heritage (which he is but there are many strands to that as it’s a grandparent who is Asian and he has three other grandparents) and is it ok for him to be asked this continually?

OP posts:
whiteroseredrose · 26/01/2019 08:11

Dublin, the thing is that people generally only ask about heritage if people look like they have a black or Asian ancestor. I'm third generation on one side of my family but think of myself as white British. Nobody ever questions that because I'm white. Had that great grandparent been African i suspect I'd get the 'where are you really from?' too.

mikado1 · 26/01/2019 08:16

Hmm.. well when my ds was 2/3 he made a comment on someone's skin colour and asked why it was different to anyone else he'd met so I explained the person or their parents or grandparents might have come from a different country. At 5 he said a child in class was 'from a different country'. I said I didn't think he was, though he might have just moved, that he was from where we are but his parents came from X. Is there a better way to explain? Yes I could have just said people have different skin colour but there is a why and it's not a negative.

MonaLisaDoesntSmile · 26/01/2019 08:19

@PooleySpooley I really don;t thin it's racist, as I said above, the fact people are curious is probably more of a good thing- no one expects your son to 'explain himself'- they just ask where he is from? In a country where so many people have interesting origins, I really can't see as something horrendous, unless the person asking makes it so.
It's such a shame that talking about heritage seems to be perceived as some as something that bothers them or something that needs to be secretive if you want to be seen as 'British', like if you could not be British and have foreign heritage and be fine with both.

It would not be OK if people implied your son does not belong or if they were racist, but to me it seems you are projecting your own insecurities/prejudice in the mix. Let your son be proud of who he is and if he feels comfortable, talk about his background to customers!

I get asked about where I'm from a lot because of my accent (spent many years abroad as a kid), and I never saw it as racist except when someone was really mean about me being British based on the fact speak differently. It's rather nice people notice you and are interested rather than blank you, which is so common in customer service.

mikado1 · 26/01/2019 08:23

And as a pp said, I've always been asked about my Irish accent, ditto my very non-Irish name, when abroad, it's curiosity, not hatred. I am very proud of my heritage and always happily explain. As a pp said, it's a shame that it feels like a negative thing but I can understand why it might.

OhTheRoses · 26/01/2019 09:10

People comment about appearance and difference all the time.

If a person is brown skinned they are different, it's ok to be different but it's not ok to interpret every comment as a potential insult. Better to be open, honest and friendly which is probably what was intended in the first place.

My DC were broad, blonde, blue eyed and tanned (nothing's changed really). They didn't look ordinary English. My genes are teutonic/eastern European (I'm a bit darker but an assisted blonde). My DH is north east Viking/Anglo Saxon stock.

People commented all the time. One paediatrician when we arrived in his office actually said "I seem to have a visit from the Aryan Master Race". I could have been mortally offended or I could have just thought his social skills were a bit rubbish and he was a bit of a pillock. I thought the latter and just said "not really, my heritage is Jewish, and if you don't mind my names Mrs Roses, not mum".

And we moved swiftly on to dealing with dd's umbilical hernia that hadn't fully resolved and he repaired it very well.

Original poster
PooleySpooley · 26/01/2019 10:16

no one expects your son to 'explain himself'- they just ask where he is from

And he replies “here” this town in the South if England and he is questioned further which is not ok - accept the answer - total stranger.

OP posts:
Original poster
PooleySpooley · 26/01/2019 10:19

*of

OP posts:
Gilead · 26/01/2019 10:21

Mona, Roses It's not a case of heritage or curiosity. If someone is asked where they are from, and they say London, that's where it ends.

TheToldYouSoDance · 26/01/2019 10:39

I personally don’t think it’s racist. I’m white with very dark hair and eyes. I’m often asked where I’m from (London). Next question is usually: where are your parents from. Spain, Greece, Turkey? They’re actually Irish. To me it’s someone asking about me, a way of connecting.

lifetothefull · 26/01/2019 11:20

I was always happy to answer this when I lived in Far East. I looked foreign and I was foreign. It was always friendly. I'm happy to answer when people hear my accent and realise I'm not from round here. It's true, I'm not. I think your ds's situation is bigger than that though. He was born and brought up here and is nevertheless getting treated as foreign. That must be annoying. People are not being deliberately racist, but the effect is building up and he is gradually getting the message that he doesn't belong.

Lifeisabeach09 · 26/01/2019 11:53

I'm mixed race.
I, frequently, get asked this.
Yes, it is a form of prejudice. It's amazing what people see (skin colour) but not hear (a clearly British accent.) However, it doesn't bother me because there is no intent to be offensive.
When I'm told to 'go back to my own country,' that's a different matter.
Interestingly enough, when I lived in the US (Mid-west and west coast), Americans were oblivious to my skin colour but only heard the accent, iykwim.

betterbeslytherin · 26/01/2019 12:33

What @Gilead said!!
Most people are missing the point. The problem is when his answer to the question is not believed and he is asked 'where originally' or 'where are you REALLY from' both of which are only asked because of the colour of his skin.
He is from HERE, hence his answer.
My friend who experiences this just keeps responding with here. So rude.

JustDanceAddict · 26/01/2019 12:46

I don’t think it’s racist, just a bit ignorant and curious. It’s not a question I’d ask a stranger but obviously some black people (and white!) weren’t born in the UK so if they have an accent, and I work with them or interact with them regularly I will ask. Same as if they were Eastern European or American or from down under. I work closely w two black colleagues, one is British by birth and the other emigrated. It’s obvious by the accent who is British by birth.
Agree with the person who said that it’s the same when you’re pregnant or have young children - people comment on all sorts of rubbish.

findingmyfeet12 · 26/01/2019 12:48

Asking someone where their accent is from is totally different to implying that they aren't somehow British because of the colour of their skin!

easyandy101 · 26/01/2019 13:12

My partner, born here, doesn't think of herself as just British, or English. She thinks of herself as a British Tamil. She IS other, and proud of it

As I said earlier the most people that ask her this are other Asians, normally north Indian, they know she isn't Indian but she doesn't have typical Tamil features either

That's more othering than when white people ask her IME

FebruaryHalfTerm · 26/01/2019 13:31

2 of my children have olive skin and tan well. Their dad is technically white but with southern Mediterranean heritage. I don't mind explaining that if asked (midwife thought it was jaundice at birth Grin).

My friend also went very dark in the sun and explained she had French heritage.

I guess some people may have racist intentions. For me I'm curious but I am careful who I ask.

allthingsred · 26/01/2019 13:37

It's not racist. But (coming from a mixed race person) it's annoying. When people say it to me, I don't think they mean anything by it. It's rude but I genuinely don't think it's supposed to be.
It most definitely won't be the first time he will be asked.

Ghanagirl · 26/01/2019 13:41

I don’t think it’s racist (mostly) but it’s annoying.

Kennehora · 26/01/2019 13:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
PooleySpooley · 26/01/2019 13:47

Tanning well is totally different to actually being dark skinned Hmm

OP posts:
Xenadog · 26/01/2019 13:53

I think it is racist and I have no idea why anyone would ever think it appropriate or acceptable to ask a cashier, doing their job, about where they are from. He is a cashier doing a job. His heritage really is irrelevant.

If I was your son, my response would be, “Why do you ask?” And then a mumbled “Fuck off!” Under my breath.

Original poster
PooleySpooley · 26/01/2019 13:57

He’s gone in today and I have suggested if he gets ask he says “I am from here” then when questioned further to say “are you asking me about my ethnicity?”

OP posts:
betterbeslytherin · 26/01/2019 14:08

@PooleySpooley
I like your suggestion OP - hopefully will make them realise how rude they are.

roundtable · 26/01/2019 14:20

Poole - he should be even blunter if they don't accept his first answer.

'Are you asking me why my skin is brown?'

I do think on the whole people who talk like that just don't realise how annoying they are. Like my first head I worked for who used to say she was sure I had great rhythm.

On reflection I wonder if it's closer to being patronised. Like when people talk to older people like they're stupid just because they look older? Probably the same people doing it actually.

Not always racist but not socially aware?

Hanumantelpiece · 26/01/2019 14:57

rountable that sums it up precisely. A great suggestion! Grin

"Where are you from?" he answers "This town"
"No, but where are you REALLY from?" - an unnecessary question. As he has just said where he is from. By puting 'really' into the equation it suggests he is being untruthful. He really is from this town, as that is where he was born.

FWIW I am white and have never been asked this. Another member of the family is mixed race and is asked this all the time. We were both born in the same town, so we are both from the same place. Incidentally the parent who is non-white was also born in the same town, so the answer still holds.