Tell me - is this rascist?

[PooleySpooley]

Son is mixed race. I am white as are his siblings. He has rarely experienced any racism. He has a really good relationship with his father and his family who I am not with.

He has a PT job.

He told me today that while he is working the checkout he often gets asked “where he is from” and when he says “here” the questioner will probe “originally”.

This shocked me and pissed me off because in my head the questioner is probing more because his answer is unacceptable to them because DS doesn’t look like what the questioners idea of what a British person looks like.

A very good friend says he should be encouraged to be proud of his heritage (which he is but there are many strands to that as it’s a grandparent who is Asian and he has three other grandparents) and is it ok for him to be asked this continually?

I think if a white person went to a predominantly black country it's a question they'd probably be asked.

The equivalent would be a white person FROM a Predominantly black country being asked this of a black person. Eg a black person asking this of a white South African in South Africa.

Funnily enough when asked this while travelling (Asia/mainland Europe/Caribbean) staying that I’m from London suffices usually followed by oh Arsenal is my fav team or I spent summer in Birmingham, rather than the ‘but where are you really from’ that you get from a certain type of Brit.

knit & Wolfie unfortunately we lost touch some years ago after he went a bit stalker online over a mutual friend.
However, he was great - in response to someone telling him he should "go back to where you came from", he said, "I'm trying, but the bus to Turnpike Lane is always bloody late!"

I must say that I have never felt the need to ask someone where they are from, not to comment on their ethnicity/heritage. If people want to tell me, fine, but I can think of plenty of things to say to 'make conversation' that are not so rude.
I can't recall ever overhearing a white person asking another white person where they are "really from".

Am mixed race too and I get it all the time. Where are you from? Here. No; where are you froooom?!

Piss off. It’s so rude.

I know it is considered so, but I think that it is sad that we can't show an interest in a person's cultural background without it being taken as a racial slur. Not eveyone asking such questions is a racist.

They’re not asking about cultural heritage though. They’re saying the person they’re speaking to can’t be British.

“but for some reason we want to put a "racist" slant on everything in life if it is geared towards someone with a different racial background to ours. I sometimes think we really are getting too sensitive to some things.”

People see a racist slant when there is a racist slant.

While all the people on tnis thread are warbling away about being benignly interested and no harm and close friends discussing their backgrounds, Black people are routinely quizzed by people they don’t know. Again, and again, and again.

How very ‘sensitive’ of them to observe this phenomenon. Their fault for being ‘sensitive ‘?

You aren’t the only person taking this ‘interest ‘. It is tiresome, boring and ignorant.

The issue is that faced with a young POc with a local accent, wearing typical standard uk teen clothing is asked a question which assumed they are not British.

And it is racist. If you assume, based on skin colour / race that the person must be from somewhere else, and based on their skin colour you don’t accept their answer, then you are not treating them the same you would a white person and by implying that they can’t be from ‘your’ country you are discriminating, based on race.

To put it into context too - it’s a huge and really busy Primark so not really any need to make “small talk”.

If people in London ask me where I am from I say the South Coast. If they ask is that where my parents were from too I say no, my father was from Germany.

If I ask a BAME person where they are from I expect them to say something similar. If I were to ask where their parents were from I'd expect them to say London, or my mum was born in [insert country].

I have a black friend with incredible almond eyes - she is stunning. I asked about her heritage and what influenced her looks and she was happy to tell me she had some Chinese antecedents and went into the history around that.

I think it's nice to be interested in others and far too much is being read into small talk.

yes although not always intentional, sometimes it can be innocent as people are just interested in your heritage but other times it is passive aggressive and the aim is to remind you that despite the fact you are British in many ways, your skin will always mean you are an outsider.

It is racist IMO, it comes from a premise that non white people can't be British. But in actual fact, white people are equally likely to come from somewhere else. I'm half Czech, but I don't have to answer questions about this during my daily life. Why not? Because I happen to be white.

Where do you live op?

I half Czech, but I don't have to answer questions about this during my daily life. Why not? Because I happen to be white

Exactly this.

I think people who are saying 'It's just curiosity' are missing the point. Obviously the first question can be read as innocent if intrusive and different people have different levels of tolerance for that.

What tips it over into something else for me is that when your son gave a local answer, the other person, by challenging your son's answer, implied that your son couldn't really be from there because he's black. How many generations back would his local connections have to go to be accepted as 'original' to the local area? Would they have asked a white boy with a local accent to give a more detailed ancestral explanation after his first response? To me, it is the othering solely due to skin colour that makes it racism whether the person said it with malice or out of ignorance.

The gaslighting on this thread is amazing. Yes, it’s a racist microaggression and racism does not depend on what someone’s intention is. When people say this, especially when they say ‘I mean originally?’ they are othering that person and implying they are not British.
Lots of people of colour might be ok with it, but that doesn’t mean it’s not offensive to others. I guess the important thing is how your son feels about it? Did he tell you directly that people ask him this? Are you in a generally quite multicultural area? Love and solidarity to you and your boy x

@MumW I know it is considered so, but I think that it is sad that we can't show an interest in a person's cultural background without it being taken as a racial slur. Not eveyone asking such questions is a racist.

It really is tho. I'm from Liverpool so very obvious local accents. People are not asking my mixed race friend about her cultural heritage when they say 'where are you from originally'
They are assuming as she's not white she can't be from here. When in actual fact she, her parents and grandparents were born in the U.K.

No one asks me this question ever, even though both my parents are not from this country. But I'm white so they assume I am.
It is an assumption based solely on race and therefore entirely racist.

I’ve had this happen in the Caribbean, fellow traveller (black) being asked by a beach vendor (also black) where she was originally from, after we had both answered ‘UK’ to his first enquiry. He said he was asking because she was obviously Caribbean. (Which was true, she was born in Tobago). Was that racist?

No, because the follow up question didn't suggest that her skin colour excluded her from belonging to the group she identified as belonging to (UK), just that other features made her look like she had ancestry from another group. Also, the asker wasn't trying put her on the outside of a group he belonged to, he was trying to claim her as part of his own group.

NicolaStart YES! And so sorry if you’ve had to experience this.

Would love it if people could understand that the assumptions and prejudices that lie behind these questions also contribute to the fact that people of Middle Eastern and North African origin (even if they were born in the U.K.) have to send 90% more applications than someone with a ‘White British’ name to get an interview. It’s bullshit and people need to call it out.

How do we get over racism ? ....

So what are white people asked?
Has no one been asked if they are Irish or Scottish due to there surname?

Women are asked if they have children, why do people assume all women do or want them?
Men are asked, Do you have a gf/wife? Why assume a person is straight

It seems from this thread that small talk should stop because you will get in trouble for being racist, sexist or homophobic.

What if a white person...
Doesn’t happen.
Where are you from?
Nottingham.
Oh, cool.

I know it is considered so, but I think that it is sad that we can't show an interest in a person's cultural background without it being taken as a racial slur. Not eveyone asking such questions is a racist.

Racism isn't just being openly verbally or physically abusive to someone because of their skin colour. It is also propping up racist institutions, racist practices, and racist ways of thinking... like 'blacks don't belong here'.

If you're asking the white clerk 'are you a student dear?' and you're asking the black clerk 'where are you from originally?', you might need to examine your internal biases towards those who outwardly appear different to you. Same goes if you make excuses for the kind of person who asks that kind of question.

I say this not from a high horse, but from the perspective of someone who is still learning the impact my unconscious biases might have on someone else.

Maya those are all things I don't ask people because, on first meeting, they are none of my business.
I never assume someone is straight, or wants kids.

I do my best to get to know people on their own terms, and generally, as I get to know them, they volunteer this information.
My 'small talk' isn't grounded in personal interrogation.

Yes. It's racist.

So what are white people asked?
Has no one been asked if they are Irish or Scottish due to there surname?

I am asked where I come from. Not infrequently. Nothing to do with looks, this time to do with accent. I have a mild northern accent and live in the south.*
A follow up question is often "do you plan on going back there?"

*It's mild enough that when I go back up north they think I sound "posh" (ie southern)

@mayathebeealldaylong

You're missing the point. They are asked the first question- 'where are you from?' And then when answering the question correctly with 'here' they are then asked 'no but where originally'.

They've answered the question asked already. But the person asking doesn't accept their original answer because of their race. No other reason. Just their race. Therefore- racist.