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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not wanting to leave my 10 week old baby

160 replies

disneymumx · 24/01/2019 17:01

So my baby is 10 weeks old and I have not left her for more than 4 hours yet. The first time was a necessity as we were moving into a new home and couldn’t do it with her. More recently me and my boyfriend went out for dinner and I left her with my mum and sister, knowing and trusting that she was in good hands. However, this is not pleasing the mother in law. We have already gotten into one argument over it and there are remarks made all the time by her, as well as her insisting that she is taking the baby out to “give me a break”. (I hate when people use this card more than anything as I do not need or want a break from my child and if I did I would ask). Am I wrong for not allowing her to take her out and let her mind her for the night? Right now the only person I feel that I could trust to look after her properly is my own mum as I know she is attentive to all of her needs. She goes out with her dad which, although I miss her and would prefer her to be with me, I obviously have to allow because he is her dad. Just so sick off feeling bad for it and having to try to please other people.

OP posts:
Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 24/01/2019 17:03

My dc weren't out of my sight for about a year!! Never felt the need either!! Remind mil she had her own dc, now it's your turn. Or send her to Dog's Trust if she needs something to play with.

agnurse · 24/01/2019 17:04

YANBU. This is YOUR baby, not MIL's. I wouldn't allow her alone time with the baby if she's that insistent. What does she want to do that she can't do in front of you?

Jackshouse · 24/01/2019 17:04

God no. It’s is not good for the baby or you to be separated.

Tell her that you appreciate the offer but you are not ready to be away from your baby over night and you will let her know when you are.

Ladyoftheloch · 24/01/2019 17:05

Are you still with her dad? If so, I think you should try and let his mum be involved - but you don’t have to agree to overnights. Maybe just a couple of hours here and there?

If you aren’t with the dad then I think it’s fair that you aren’t totally happy with his mum having the baby for a while, although for the baby’s sake it might be nice in time to help them build up a relationship.

Fightingfit2019 · 24/01/2019 17:05

You allow her to stay with your mum, don’t you think dp should be allowed to let her stay with his mum?

Aquamarine1029 · 24/01/2019 17:05

Doing something that makes you uncomfortable to please others is the path to madness. Let your MIL have all the tantrums she wants. You are the mother and you're not ready to leave your baby overnight, end of story. Now would be a very good time to learn how to be more assertive.

MarthaHanson · 24/01/2019 17:06

I was exactly the same with my first and I think this is totally natural. You are her mother. My DD didn’t spend the night away from me until she was 3 and a half.

PragmaticWench · 24/01/2019 17:07

I think more than an hour or two at that age is too much. It's nothing to do with the adults, it's everything to do with the baby wanting to be with their primary carer/s ALL of the time.

Fightingfit2019 · 24/01/2019 17:08

Out of interest what would you have said if dp said no to her staying with your mum? How would that have made you feel?

beach1800 · 24/01/2019 17:08

Can't the next time you want to go out for a meal your mil can watch the baby?

RibenaMonsoon · 24/01/2019 17:09

My DS is 2 and nobody's had him over night yet. The only time I left him in the first 10 weeks was when I had to go to out of hours doctor for treatment of mastitis. He was with his dad for 2 hours and screamed for me the whole time as he was hungry and exclusively breastfed.

Just be honest. Thank her for offering and explain that you don't consider time away from your baby a break. Let her know that once you feel you need a break for an hour or so you will let her know. But can't see it happening for a while.

If she keeps on your DP should be getting involved.

Owwlie · 24/01/2019 17:10

YANBU. DDs 18 months old, she's only away from me when I'm at work and she's at nursery. Or once every couple of months when I have an evening out and she's with her dad. I've never felt the need to have her babysat by family. If you don't want to then it's fine.

I hated all the offers from my mom and MiL to 'give me a break'. It wasn't so they could give me a break it was so they could have her alone. I ended up getting annoyed and asked them both why they 'needed' to have her alone and what they thought they could do without me there. They've stopped nagging since and I only get the odd remark which I just ignore now. YANBU, it's really irritating.

CookiesandCrisps · 24/01/2019 17:11

My son was 2 before my own loving wonderful mother had him over night.
We visited all the time and she has a wonderful bond with him.
Mil didn't like I or dh had to be there so she has no relationship with our dc.
We never had a child to hand out to others.
It doesn't stop family bonding. I never understand this 'alone time' grandparents or anyone else feels they need. Bizarre.

Make sure you and dh are on the same page and stick to what you decide together.

Drogosnextwife · 24/01/2019 17:11

I was given the guilt trip for this for not wanting mine to go to dps family aswell OP, it was a constant battle. He just couldn't understand how I felt. Tbh it is unreasonable but tuff, your not comfortable with it so ultimatley it's your decision. I know exactly how you feel however now I can see it from their side and I wonder how I wpuld have reacted if my dp said my mum wasn't allowed to look after the kids.

Cyw2018 · 24/01/2019 17:11

I didn't spend 4 hours away from my DD until I did my return to work training when my DD was 9 months old, I never needed to and never felt the need! At 10 weeks old the longest I had been away from her was less than an hour, when I left her with DH and took the dog for a walk on my own, and once when I left her with best friend for 15 minutes when I picked up a prescription from the pharmacy when DD was 5 weeks old.

You MIL needs to back off and be grateful for the time she already gets.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 24/01/2019 17:12

Please stick to your guns. As said above, YOUR baby, YOUR rules. It's up to you when you're ready to leave her with MIL and no-one else.

lboogy · 24/01/2019 17:24

I hate the 'let me have the baby to give you a break ' request too. I don't need a break. I love being with my child every waking moment!

Also I find it's only my mil who seems to have the need to have my baby alone. My mom never asks. It would never occur to her to have me away from my baby

deadliftgirl · 24/01/2019 17:29

My niece is like 10 months old and my parents (paternal grandparents) happily have her every other weekend overnight and during the days to watch her while her parents are at work. She is also with her mums sister a lot as well and her maternal grandparents alone as well. I have her as well.

I think maybe your MIL just wants to feel connected to her grand child, she probably doesn't mean to upset you. I think it is fair though to allow all grandparents to build a relationship with the baby. She raised your boyfriend and your happy with him (I assume) so he must have turned out okay. And all her attentive needs? She is a baby? Please I know your just a new mum and you want to make sure she's okay but you should let other people in your family look after her from time to time and trust them as they are family. You also need a break so you can re charge and then be in bright spirits for your wee darling.

Fundays12 · 24/01/2019 17:31

My oldest is nearly 7 and is rarely away overnight (maybe 6 times in his life including when I gave birth to my ds). I could do with a break at times to be honest from him as he has additional needs but I feel safer knowing he is home with me. DS2 has been away once overnight and rarely apart from when I had to work. He is 2 and I want him with me. My new baby will be the same. They are my kids and my MIL has never had DS2 over at hers overnight and I do trust her.

Rachelle3211 · 24/01/2019 17:33

Is your boyfriend the dad? I'm confused.
I think given you leave her with your mom, it would be nice if you let her watch her for a couple of hours too. Assuming she's not a raging alcoholic or dangerous I would even just to go grocery shopping. I wouldn't leave her overnight but for an hour or two would be a nice gesture. She's probably feeling left out since you only trust your own mother.

GinUnicorn · 24/01/2019 17:33

Doesn’t matter how old she is. If you aren’t ready for over nights then they shouldn’t happen. Are you breastfeeding? This would stop requests. My little girl is 16 months and has never stayed away overnight. Grandparents can perfectly easily built a relationship by visiting in the day if they wish.

Good luck

BollocksToBrexit · 24/01/2019 17:38

YANBU If you don't want to leave your baby with someone, don't do it. My DS is 5 and he's never been away from me overnight.

EskSmith · 24/01/2019 17:38

I think you are being unfair. I completely agree that you should not leave your baby until you are happy, I didn't leave mine until they were over 12 months.

However you have left your DD with your mum, so it would be fair to do the same with your MIL, she is after all also an experienced mother, same as your mum.

Kaykay06 · 24/01/2019 17:40

I agree with no overnights as there is really no need at this age but why is your dps mum different to yours? I’ve got all boys and I’d be quite hurt if I wasn’t allowed to see my grandchild because I didn’t mother their mother. You’re with her son whom you love and she brought up and if they have a good relationship could you not kindly explain your feelings but also try to understand that she’s probably feeling pushed out a bit.

I totally get it though I’d rather my mum having my boys (she moved to Australia when my eldest was 11 days old though) so I only had in laws and they thankfully lived far far away and yes she had wildly differing views on my parenting but she loved my son so much and still does, her time with him gave me an hour or so in Tesco alone or a haircut etc wasn’t for long but enough to make her feel wanted I guess. She used to talk utter nonsense though I just smiled and agreed and continued parenting my way once she left

Drogosnextwife · 24/01/2019 17:42

Now that I think about it my mum never asked to have ds's alone, it was of ever dps side that kept pestering for that to happen. They eventually wore me down as do wouldn't back me up and it was no break for me that's for sure.