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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not wanting to leave my 10 week old baby

160 replies

disneymumx · 24/01/2019 17:01

So my baby is 10 weeks old and I have not left her for more than 4 hours yet. The first time was a necessity as we were moving into a new home and couldn’t do it with her. More recently me and my boyfriend went out for dinner and I left her with my mum and sister, knowing and trusting that she was in good hands. However, this is not pleasing the mother in law. We have already gotten into one argument over it and there are remarks made all the time by her, as well as her insisting that she is taking the baby out to “give me a break”. (I hate when people use this card more than anything as I do not need or want a break from my child and if I did I would ask). Am I wrong for not allowing her to take her out and let her mind her for the night? Right now the only person I feel that I could trust to look after her properly is my own mum as I know she is attentive to all of her needs. She goes out with her dad which, although I miss her and would prefer her to be with me, I obviously have to allow because he is her dad. Just so sick off feeling bad for it and having to try to please other people.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 24/01/2019 19:53

“It's up to you when you're ready to leave her with MIL and no-one else.”

Not even the baby’s dad?

Grumpos · 24/01/2019 20:03

Totally agree on the over nights, it’s way to early for me also (ds is 5mths).
If you don’t need to leave baby for any particular reason then don’t be pressured into giving her to MIL just for the sake of it however if there is an opportunity coming up (Doctors / Dentist / hairdressers / whatever...) then would it be a possibility to leave with MIL then? If there is no reason why you can’t trust her then there really is no difference between your mum and your partners mum....
Don’t be pressured into anything but also do consider that your partner may want his mum to spend time. Just choose a time where you’ll be like an hour / 2!

Jarstastic · 24/01/2019 20:06

DH (Or DP) has equal rights to your (both of yours) baby. IMHO His mother has the same 'rights' to the baby as your mother. Personality issues come into play after you start from that point. Have you?

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 24/01/2019 20:09

I have yet to meet a df who would feel it physically to have to hand over a baby. No way I could have, and as twat as ex was he wouldn't have forced me to if I felt I couldn't.

Grumpos · 24/01/2019 20:10

I adore my boy, love him endlessly and cannot imagine wanting to be away from him....until the 4 month sleep regression kicked in. Now just having an hour or two to myself is beaut. Not overnight, just a short break occasionally in the day time.
10 weeks is still the honeymoon phase in babyland

Lelly0503 · 24/01/2019 20:15

I get what you mean OP I had no urge or desire to leave my DS, I did reluctantly at 5 weeks old with my mum and it was just for the evening, we picked him up after and I got comments from my MIL about that, I just had no desire to leave him overnight until he was about 3/4 months old. I think it sounds like a control thing with your MIL, that she is trying to force you into time apart from your DD. With your DP, is there a reason he so wants time alone with DD, is there a chance that when your around you kind of do everything and maybe he feels like he can’t get a look in? It’s only because if it makes you feel that uncomfortable don’t do it but maybe there Is something else going on that could be addressed without him feeling the need to go out with dd alone?

newyearnewwhat · 24/01/2019 20:18

I had this from my mil many moons ago and yes, my own mum was the first person I trusted with dd. Guess what she's my mum and the only mum I know inside out and could trust implicitly to take care of my pfb. Dh was 100% supportive of this and totally appreciated that once he was back at work, it was me that was with dd 24/7 and he respected how I felt

SnuggyBuggy · 24/01/2019 20:25

You don't have to please anyone here. This is your baby, if your MIL is jealous she can always get a battery operated doll. I don't get all this crap about dad being equal or the grandparents being equal, you needed someone to look after baby for a bit and you found someone, you will do so again in the future.

Maelstrop · 24/01/2019 20:28

You don’t need to leave your child with anyone so don’t bow to the pressure. I also don’t get the whole alone time thing, wtf is that about?

PengAly · 24/01/2019 21:16

It is awful to continue to see this "MY baby" attitude on mumsnet. Its you AND your partners baby and how nice of you to "allow him" to take baby on his own and for not "putting your foot down" Hmm i respect you carried her for 9 months but she is just as much his and she is yours. Its also unfair for you to think that only your mum be allowed her on her own. Grandparent favouritism is uncalled for and is actually quite a mean spirited thing, unless of course there is a legitimate reason as to why. In this case your MIL is probably feeling jealous and knows your mum got DD on her own so she would like the same. Im guessing she is already sensing the favouritism that is happening with your mum so is trying too hard to ensure she doesnt get shoved aside.

Burpsandfustles · 24/01/2019 21:17

I think 10 week old baby mum calls the shots unless dad is really upset etc.

Mum still in pnd danger zone, still recovering... Still getting used to everything. I'd put new mum first... The one whose life baby relies on....

At 10 weeks. I think putting pressure on new mums is sick actually and not someone I'd want to leave a baby with

Burpsandfustles · 24/01/2019 21:18

Peng your post doesn't really put the baby first, try explaining your ideas to the baby who has been grown and carried by mum!

Ferrisbuellersdayoff · 24/01/2019 21:20

You left your baby with your mum to do something specific. Your MIL is a grown woman who shouldn't be demanding a go with your child like it's a doll you got for Christmas.

NelleB · 24/01/2019 21:23

Same here. Mines 19 weeks old, she’s not moving out of our house anytime soon to stay over anywhere. My mum stayed her before Christmas for a few hours while we went out, but other than, no. Don’t bow to the pressure. I had MIL and SIL at me all the time in the beginning. It’s swiftly stopped when I said she would not be staying anywhere but in her own home for at least the first 12 months. Your baby, your rules! If you didn’t make her, you don’t get a say.

Bambamber · 24/01/2019 21:23

Could you not let her look after the baby for a few hours just like your mum and sister did? I get not wanting to be away from your baby, but if you're happy to leave the baby with your mum and sister for a couple of hours, I can't see why it can't be the same for your MIL, unless of course there is genuine cause for concern. Doesn't need to be a full night, and if she still keeps on just tell her It's the couple of hours or nothing and to stop the crap of saying it's to give you a break

Parky04 · 24/01/2019 21:25

Totally OK as long as you don't moan in 5 years time that MIL is not interested in your DC but she spends money/time with her other grandchildren.

SPR1107 · 24/01/2019 21:28

I felt exactly how you felt. And it isn't a case of your mum being better than his, you know your mum better than his, your mum gave 'proven' her capabilities by bringing you up. I had never even seen DH mum hold a baby.

To keep her quiet, I would just say 'next time we need a hand I'll be sure to ask'. Then I would book a routine dentist appt or something similar and ask her if she can watch baby for an hour. Its an hour max then, and she'll feel needed, but also means you won't have to be away for too long... it might even help build up some confidence in leaving them together (which you are right to not just have straight away)

Strokethefurrywall · 24/01/2019 21:29

After seeing some replies though I'm starting to feel I should put my foot down and not let her out my sight.

Just for this, YABU (but if I'm being reasonable, you're allowed to be with your first). Please, your husband has as much of a right to spend time with his child on his terms. She is his baby too.

WithAllIntenseAndPurposes · 24/01/2019 21:31

No it's totally normal and she needs to sod off. My ds was nearly one when I left him for more than an hour

Anonalongadingdong123 · 24/01/2019 21:33

Seems like shes just naturally excited and desperate to care for her grandchild and sees her offer as helpful for you. Just say thanks, but no thanks at the moment. I wouldn't make it into a big deal. Just say you'll love for her to help in the future, just not at the moment.

anniehm · 24/01/2019 21:41

I'll be honest I would have loved my mil to have shown any interest in our first baby, we drove 3 hours to bring dd to see them at 2 weeks old and she spent precisely 30 minutes with us (we stayed with dh's grandparents as they had a spare room) and fil didn't bother coming. You can't choose family, they are a bit odd.

Love51 · 24/01/2019 21:48

Mine were never away from me overnight for the first few years. I never felt the need for a break in that way. I was prepared to leave DC 1 to have dc2, but DC 2 came quickly and we were home in time for tea (first child had been a week in hospital, so this was unexpected!). In spite of this, at 5&7 they will happily sleep over with either set of grandparents, and luckily for me, the grandparents enjoy having them. I think the in-laws may have thought I was a tad mad / overprotective but wouldn't have dreamed of calling me out on it. My DH saw his role in the early days to support me, the child's primary carer, as well as he could, not enter a contest of family priority.
OP states that her boyfriend avoids his mum - mine wouldn't get left with relatives with people we didn't actually like! I don't think that bit is abnormal!

Iwrotethissongfor · 24/01/2019 21:50

There is a difference between the OP’s mum and her partner’s mum: she stays her partner has a difficult relationship with his mum and avoids her when she’s visiting OP. So if that’s his view of his own mum then that’s reigning alarm bells about her and hardly a ringing endorsement of her. It’d be different if he said oh she’s been a great mum etc

Absofrigginlootly · 24/01/2019 21:50

Please, your husband has as much of a right to spend time with his child on his terms. She is his baby too.

On his terms?? What about the baby’s term?

Ffs this is a 10 WEEK old baby. Still in the fourth trimester!! All newborn babies want and need is mum. The fathers job is to support baby and mum as a unit at this stage. His “rights” don’t come into it.

OP the longest I’ve spent away from my babies at this age was to have a shower

That panicky anxious feeling you get when you’re away from your baby? That’s normal. It’s maternal instinct. We are mammals, we’re not supposed to be away from our infants. It’s hardwired

Absofrigginlootly · 24/01/2019 21:52

My DH saw his role in the early days to support me, the child's primary carer, as well as he could, not enter a contest of family priority.

Yes this ^^