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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not wanting to leave my 10 week old baby

160 replies

disneymumx · 24/01/2019 17:01

So my baby is 10 weeks old and I have not left her for more than 4 hours yet. The first time was a necessity as we were moving into a new home and couldn’t do it with her. More recently me and my boyfriend went out for dinner and I left her with my mum and sister, knowing and trusting that she was in good hands. However, this is not pleasing the mother in law. We have already gotten into one argument over it and there are remarks made all the time by her, as well as her insisting that she is taking the baby out to “give me a break”. (I hate when people use this card more than anything as I do not need or want a break from my child and if I did I would ask). Am I wrong for not allowing her to take her out and let her mind her for the night? Right now the only person I feel that I could trust to look after her properly is my own mum as I know she is attentive to all of her needs. She goes out with her dad which, although I miss her and would prefer her to be with me, I obviously have to allow because he is her dad. Just so sick off feeling bad for it and having to try to please other people.

OP posts:
DonnaDarko · 25/01/2019 08:20

The first time I left my son, he was about 4 weeks old. My partner and I went to the cinema. He was with my sister and they gave a really close bond even now (he's 2 and a half).

As someone who doesn't have a mother anymore, and whose mother in law can't even be trusted to feed herself, I think you should embrace all the support you have. Even though you think you don't need a break, having some alone time with your partner is still really important for the relationship. Well, that's my opinion anyway.

SillySallySingsSongs · 25/01/2019 08:22

After seeing some replies though I'm starting to feel I should put my foot down and not let her out my sight.

YABVU to say you will not allow your DP to look after your baby.

That is very wrong.

LagunaBubbles · 25/01/2019 08:28

It's up to you when you're ready to leave her with MIL and no-one else.

Well since it takes 2 to make a baby I think it's up to babies Dad to. Dad's seem a bit of an inconvenience to sone people in here, good for making the baby of course but heaven help they want an equal say in parenting eh.

rubixqueube · 25/01/2019 09:13

My mum did this with my dd. I just ignored her until I had to go back to work. I did let dm see dd all the time with me though. I just didn’t care to let dd away from me until then.

NowYouHaveDoneIt · 25/01/2019 09:21

Yanbu. Your baby. Go with what you feel comfortable with. If she wants to see the baby she can visit. Start as you mean to go on. Don't be bullied into something you're not happy with.

mininionsteve · 25/01/2019 09:25

YANBU My Ds is 2.5 he has never stayed over anywhere. By all means let you mil look after your baby for a few hours instead of your mum. But equally it has to be when you want or need her/them to do it. Not just because anyone demands it.

Worriedmummybekind · 25/01/2019 09:27

OP your mil apparently isn’t unusual if these boards are to go by but personally I find her attitude really weird!
My mil was the first person I left my second child with, but it was for about two hours while I had brunch with my husband on my birthday. She never demanded or pressured in any way. I trust that she knows I’m mum and she is the grandparent. So we don’t have these odd power struggles! I wish grandparents realised that if they are warm, kind, attentive and patient to the mum, then most likely trust will develop and they will have natural opportunities to care for their grandchildren.

Seaweed42 · 25/01/2019 09:35

It's definitely normal to be happier with your own Mum minding the baby than your DH's mum. Your Mum is a close family member so she feels 'safer' than your DHs' mum.
Especially as it's your first baby and still very small. Your MIL doesn't feel as 'safe'. On a scale of 1 to 10, where 10 is safest of all - your baby being with you, I'd say your own mother feels about an 8 of safety and your MIL about a 2 of safety. Even leaving your baby with your DH probably is only about a 7.
We are so protective of the baby that our instinct for protection from our family group kicks in. This is even at an unconscious level.
We will feel threatened by other family groups. Like animal packs, eg. wolves, the mother will allow other mothers/sisters she grew up with to mind and be near her baby, but females from other packs will be attacked and warned off. Especially if they focus on the baby and seem intent on taking it off you. For god's sake don't say all that to your MIL! Grin

SnuggyBuggy · 25/01/2019 09:44

It's not always about trust. I respect my MIL but she had very easy babies who slept a lot whereas my DM remembers how fussy I was as a newborn.

Also LOL at the idea of it not "doing any harm" for a breastfed on demand newborn to be separated from mum for 4 hours.

HoustonBess · 25/01/2019 09:56

The baby is 10 weeks old, I can't believe the people saying there should be equality in who gets to look after her etc.

You're still in the animal phase of nesting down and relying on your instincts about what is safe or not. If something doesn't feel safe to you, don't do it. You don't need to be rational about it right now, you're finding your feet as a mother. You don't have to be equal about MIL and DM doing equal care, you call the shots until you're comfortable enough to leave her with other people. That's not selfish, it's nature and good mothering!

Besides which, it's pretty creepy that MIL is basically trying to elbow you aside so she can get to the baby without an annoying DIL in the way! I'm not surprised this makes you feel uncomfortable, it's suggests unhealthy boundaries.

After a while you'll relax and be more comfortable about who you leave DD with, whether it's in one month or one year. Learning to trust your instincts is an important part of becoming a mother, you'll need it for when you think she's coming down with something/unhappy etc.

When you're ready, I'd be experimenting with having a nap or a shower while MIL looks after DD for twenty mins or so, rather than just surrendering her for hours at a time!

Silvercatowner · 25/01/2019 10:28

As the mother of a son, I wouldn't be happy to be told that my DIL mum can look after their child but not me. The baby has half my son's DNA

This. Fine to want to keep your baby close to you and their Dad, but, unless there are issues, don't pick and choose and privilege your Mum over your MiL.

Namestheyareachangin · 25/01/2019 11:03

I had to go away from my daughter for an hour the day after I brought her home (2 days old) as I had discharged myself from hospital and no-one had been able to make up my prescriptions. They wouldn't let anyone pick them up for me so had to go myself. Left her with MIL while DP drove me there.

I love my MIL. But even so I felt physically sick being away from her, was in tears by the time we got home. She had been screaming the entire time.

We are mammals and mothers are supposed to stay close to our babies. If you don't have to let anything come between that, don't. When YOU are ready.

Namestheyareachangin · 25/01/2019 11:07

All these mothers of sons getting their nose in a sling about it have clearly forgotten how primal that protective urge is post birth. However good your relationship with your DIL, of course (if she has a good relationship with her mum) she knows and trusts her more than you! Yes the baby has half your son's DNA, but he didn't carry the baby in his body, grow it from his blood, and risk death bringing them into the world. How a mother feels about the baby she births (all other things being equal) is qualitatively different to any other human relationship. And it is against the natural order of things to separate them before they are both ready.

SillySallySingsSongs · 25/01/2019 11:11

My mum did this with my dd. I just ignored her until I had to go back to work. I did let dm see dd all the time with me though. I just didn’t care to let dd away from me until then.

Did your DM do your childcare for you when you went back?

MrsFassy · 25/01/2019 11:13

Perhaps the lack of trust and reticence to leave the baby with the MiL is because the MiL is failing to respect the OP's boundaries and is continually pushing to have 'alone time' with the baby. Right now, at 10 weeks, that alone time benefits no one but the MiL.

Perhaps if she'd respected the first time the OP said no, then the OP would have more confidence about leaving baby with her in the coming weeks/months, once she, as a mother, feels ready.

Also, do people not bother reading what's been written? Everyone harping on about 'equal grandparents' and it's only fair to leave baby with MiL as she leaves her with her own mother. Try reading again. OP has said a few times that she only left the baby once because she felt that's what her partner wanted, and that she won't be leaving her again any time soon. Maybe if MiL stopped pushing she'd have her turn next, when OP is at the point of being ready to leave baby. Why should she leave her tiny baby before she's really ready just to make things 'fair'? It's hardly a massive imbalance, currently. It's one occasion, not a regular occurrence.

BlankTimes · 25/01/2019 12:40

Grandparents equal rights and fairness?

It's OP's baby that she doesn't want to be parted from, a tiny scrap of living breathing very dependant life, not some sort of trophy that has kudos on SM for how much time you can display it on your mantelpiece and show everyone you've got it, how long you have it for and how you look after it better, as opposed to when it's on the other grandmother's mantelpiece.

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 25/01/2019 13:07

Gps don't have rights. . Remember that op.

BertrandRussell · 25/01/2019 13:11

Of course grandparents don’t have rights. But families are important. And being kind is important. And babies need as many people loving them as possible.

SillySallySingsSongs · 25/01/2019 13:18

Gps don't have rights. . Remember that op

Well that works both ways.

Namestheyareachangin · 25/01/2019 13:19

@BeertrandRussell

And babies need as many people loving them as possible.

So the MIL's love is contingent on having the bay alone/overnight? Why?

MRex · 25/01/2019 13:19

I think a lot of grandmothers in particular don't really understand that they need to build up time with a baby to be trusted by the mum to look after it. Time spent actually doing stuff like playing with the baby, winding the baby, offering to do nappies, feeding (once they are on solids or if they take a bottle), wiping up dribbles calmly, soothing etc etc. You can't just sit about drinking tea once a month near the baby talking about Auntie Mary, while saying "I'm sure he's fine" as mum responds to an early cry... and yet expect the mum will believe that you understand what the baby's cues are to let you waltz outside in sole charge of the baby's happiness and safety.

SnuggyBuggy · 25/01/2019 13:23

No one needs alone time with someone else's newborn to have a close relationship with them. They grow so quickly, all these grandparents need is a little patience and before they know it these babies will be becoming more interactive and independent and the mother more willing to let them do more with them.

Puggles123 · 25/01/2019 13:28

It’s very kind of you to let your DP have time with your baby Hmm I don’t think you are being unreasonable to say no to your MIL though.

BertrandRussell · 25/01/2019 14:22

I don’t have grandchildren. I do have great nephews, though. And if I heard that one of their other great aunts had been asked to babysit or had taken the baby out for a walk or something, I would really struggle with being OK if I was told that I couldn’t. Isn’t that just obvious?

Hotterthanahotthing · 25/01/2019 14:29

If people really wanted to give you a break they'd come over and do the washing,hoovering cleaning and make you a cup of tea.

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