Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not wanting to leave my 10 week old baby

160 replies

disneymumx · 24/01/2019 17:01

So my baby is 10 weeks old and I have not left her for more than 4 hours yet. The first time was a necessity as we were moving into a new home and couldn’t do it with her. More recently me and my boyfriend went out for dinner and I left her with my mum and sister, knowing and trusting that she was in good hands. However, this is not pleasing the mother in law. We have already gotten into one argument over it and there are remarks made all the time by her, as well as her insisting that she is taking the baby out to “give me a break”. (I hate when people use this card more than anything as I do not need or want a break from my child and if I did I would ask). Am I wrong for not allowing her to take her out and let her mind her for the night? Right now the only person I feel that I could trust to look after her properly is my own mum as I know she is attentive to all of her needs. She goes out with her dad which, although I miss her and would prefer her to be with me, I obviously have to allow because he is her dad. Just so sick off feeling bad for it and having to try to please other people.

OP posts:
PregnantSea · 25/01/2019 14:34

You should allow MIL to be involved and she could do things solo with the baby if you're ok with that, but a walk to the park or some other short activity should be enough. You really don't need to let her take the baby over night if you aren't comfortable, YANBU.

c24680 · 25/01/2019 14:34

I'm in the same position as you. I've had a rocky relationship with the in-laws since having a baby but they've calmed down now. Although I'm still not ready to leave my DD with them for a few hours, I've only left her with my mum for an hour while I popped to the dentist.

Do it when you feel ready to and not when everyone else thinks you should. Don't be pressured into it, everyone's relationships with the in-laws are different.

SnuggyBuggy · 25/01/2019 14:35

@Bertrand, but don't you have better things to do than worrying about getting your fair share of an infant extended family member?

The way I think I see it is sometimes you need someone to look after DC and if you are lucky someone is available to do it. It's not about sharing them out fairly between relatives.

BertrandRussell · 25/01/2019 14:41

“Bertrand, but don't you have better things to do than worrying about getting your fair share of an infant extended family member?“
Of course. I’m just saying that it’s human nature to be upset if you are obviously further down the pecking order than another equally close relation.The OP can obviously make whatever decisions she wants- but she needs to be aware that some decisions will upset people. And surely it’s best to avoid that if at all possible.

MrsFassy · 25/01/2019 14:51

The OP has only left the baby once! Let's wait a while before shouting that she's favouring her mother and excluding MiL. If she was leaving baby with her mum regularly, fair enough, but it's one time.

As for those who claim a 10 week old needs time alone to bond with all those who love them, ridiculous. There's plenty of time for bonding as the baby gets older and those relationships becoming more important. Right now, at 10 weeks, all baby wants is mum. Dad, obviously, deserves the chance to bond right now too, but for baby it's mum whose scent, voice and heartbeat offer comfort and shouldn't baby's needs come before a grown woman's wants?

Namestheyareachangin · 25/01/2019 15:03

@Bertrand

The OP can obviously make whatever decisions she wants- but she needs to be aware that some decisions will upset people. And surely it’s best to avoid that if at all possible.

But leaving the baby overnight/away from her with MIL will make the OP unhappy. Why are her feelings less important than anyone else's?

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 25/01/2019 15:05

If you're not ready then don't do it! Everyone is different and has a different approach to doing it.

Some people (like myself), leave them early for a bit (overnight at 5 weeks old). For me it was like ripping a plaster off, I just wanted to do it and get it done. My SIL, hates leaving her son and that's okay.

Do what work for you. If someone doesn't like it, then tough!

SnuggyBuggy · 25/01/2019 15:28

It's not so much a pecking order, it's just a few babysitting sessions with who was available. It don't think being jealous or perceiving a pecking order over a newborn is healthy.

HJWT · 25/01/2019 15:35

Oh GOD!!!!!! I hate this... If I wanted 'alone time or a break' then I wouldn't of had a baby would I MIL!!!!

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 25/01/2019 15:39

She is leaving the baby though. She is allowing one grandparent to have the baby alone, but not another.

So what? Parenting and family is about keeping a level playing field and making sure everything is even. My mum has had DD a lot more than my MIL purely because we trust her more! she has more children, has more experience with children and is fantastic in an emergency. MIL on the other hand hadn't had any interaction with children for nearly 20 years when DD was born and flaps at the smallest little issue which I isn't useful.

Wheeesht · 25/01/2019 15:42

Mine are 8 and 5 and they've never stayed anywhere else overnight!

That is so Mumsnet.

Wheeesht · 25/01/2019 15:43

OP your baby is teensy weensy so tell people to back off. In the sweetest yet firmest way possible.

crispysausagerolls · 25/01/2019 15:46

I think it’s extremely normal to trust your mother more than your MIL to begin with re childcare, as you’ve experienced it first hand! If MIL had been helpful and friendly and not pushy and creepy then I’m
Sure next time you wanted to go for dinner or whatever she could’ve watched DC. However she’s fucked it by being pushy. I too hate leaving DS, and I too find it weird that she wants to have him alone! Why?!

BertrandRussell · 25/01/2019 15:46

“It's not so much a pecking order, it's just a few babysitting sessions with who was available. It don't think being jealous or perceiving a pecking order over a newborn is healthy.”

It may not be healthy- but it is intensely human. I don’t believe in doing things that make other people unhappy if I can possibly avoid it. It wasn’t “whoever was available”, by the way.. It was a conscious choice.

SnuggyBuggy · 25/01/2019 15:49

Personally I think life is too short to try and make needy people happy. This baby has been here 10 weeks, it's far too soon for anyone to interpret a precedent.

Namestheyareachangin · 25/01/2019 16:01

@Bertrand

I don’t believe in doing things that make other people unhappy if I can possibly avoid it.

So you regularly make yourself unhappy to avoid upsetting others? Why do you put your own feelings to the bottom of the pile?

BertrandRussell · 25/01/2019 16:09

Frankly, if letting a loving relation take my 10 week old baby out for a walk made me unhappy, I would pay some attention to my mental health.

Wheeesht · 25/01/2019 16:11

No need for snide digs on people's mental health.

SnuggyBuggy · 25/01/2019 16:11

Why shouldn't a mum want her newborn close?

CecilyP · 25/01/2019 16:16

^“Bertrand, but don't you have better things to do than worrying about getting your fair share of an infant extended family member?“

Of course. I’m just saying that it’s human nature to be upset if you are obviously further down the pecking order than another equally close relation.The OP can obviously make whatever decisions she wants- but she needs to be aware that some decisions will upset people. And surely it’s best to avoid that if at all possible.^

No, I'm not getting that at all! A baby is not a toy to be shared out equally amongst a group of relatives. And a great aunt is quite a distant relative at that. With a large family, the mum would probably have to keep a spreadsheet to ensure eveyone was getting their fair share. It's even begining to sound a bit like a library.

TacoLover · 25/01/2019 16:22

I just can't believe anyone needs to 'put their foot down' about a baby spending an hour or two with HER OWN father! She won't spontaneously combust if she's not next to her mum for an hour

This. You're being absurd to say that her own father can't spend time with her if you're not there.

BertrandRussell · 25/01/2019 16:27

Sorry- I used my great nephews because my family structure is such that I am very close to my nieces- nearly a second mother role. I realise that most families are like that.

I see no shame or “sniping” about talking about mental health. It’s an incredibly important topic an one not discussed enough, particularly around childbirth and motherhood.

Wheeesht · 25/01/2019 16:30

No shame in talking about mental health. Not great when people mention someone's mental health to take a dig.

WithAllIntenseAndPurposes · 25/01/2019 16:31

My mental health was perfectly fine hence me wanting my baby near to bond with

BertrandRussell · 25/01/2019 16:33

I wasn’t making a dig. I was stating a fact. I think that not wanting a 10 week old out of your sight even when in the care of loving relations or the baby’s father would be a cause for concern.

Swipe left for the next trending thread