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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not wanting to leave my 10 week old baby

160 replies

disneymumx · 24/01/2019 17:01

So my baby is 10 weeks old and I have not left her for more than 4 hours yet. The first time was a necessity as we were moving into a new home and couldn’t do it with her. More recently me and my boyfriend went out for dinner and I left her with my mum and sister, knowing and trusting that she was in good hands. However, this is not pleasing the mother in law. We have already gotten into one argument over it and there are remarks made all the time by her, as well as her insisting that she is taking the baby out to “give me a break”. (I hate when people use this card more than anything as I do not need or want a break from my child and if I did I would ask). Am I wrong for not allowing her to take her out and let her mind her for the night? Right now the only person I feel that I could trust to look after her properly is my own mum as I know she is attentive to all of her needs. She goes out with her dad which, although I miss her and would prefer her to be with me, I obviously have to allow because he is her dad. Just so sick off feeling bad for it and having to try to please other people.

OP posts:
user1471426142 · 24/01/2019 21:55

10 weeks is still so tiny. I am very happy for my toddler to me babysat, in nursery etc now and she’s extremely independent but a 10 week old still thinks they’re part of you. There is a gradual progression of independence and you’ll be in a very different situation over the course of the next year.

If you’re not comfortable now don’t feel guilty but also remind everyone that the baby won’t be so small forever and they’ll have plenty of time later on to have more 1:1 time.

PengAly · 24/01/2019 22:00

I fully respect that OP may not be comfortable leaving DD at all yet and this is reasonable. But its not reasonable to say you only trust your own mum when MIL hasn't given you any reason not to. Also just because a mother carries the baby it doesn't mean they get the only say. The father has just as much rights

TheBigBangRocks · 24/01/2019 22:05

The comment re allowing your DP to spend time alone with the baby is quite sad, he's her dad and an equal parent fgs.

When you are a MIL and your DIL excludes you from a relationship with your grandchild you may come to regret your actions. Imagine knowing you were seen as the least important grandparent that wasn't deemed trustworthy to mind a child for a few hours.

polkadotpixie · 24/01/2019 22:05

I've left my 4 month old DS overnight with my Mum twice. I've not left him with MIL at all. I trust my Mum implicitly, I like my MIL but I'm not massively close to her

I'm not really bothered if it's fair or not. She drinks and I'm not comfortable with her looking after my baby. Thankfully she doesn't seem very interested in having him anyway

If you're not ready then don't be pushed into it

Blondeshavemorefun · 24/01/2019 22:21

You don’t have to leave over night but you could pop to shops or have hair cut and leave dd with mil for an hour or so

Or go for a sleep when she is there

Mil wants to get involved

You are lucky to have 2 nanny’s - my mum and fiancé mum are both dead so dd 22mths has no nanny’s - which I find hard but that’s life

And dd dad had every right to bond and spend time with her as well

pasanda · 24/01/2019 22:27

I just can't believe anyone needs to 'put their foot down' about a baby spending an hour or two with HER OWN father!

She won't spontaneously combust if she's not next to her mum for an hour Confused

Mum2jenny · 24/01/2019 22:32

Sorry, but I absolutely loathe the term nanny for a grandmother. Nannies are either goats or people employed to do childcare for parents!

Nanny0gg · 25/01/2019 00:05

@Mum2jenny

ODFOD.

Nobody asked you.

Blondeshavemorefun · 25/01/2019 00:17

Well my mum is nanny - that’s what she wanted to be called if she had grandchildren

Sadly she died before I became preg

she may be in heaven - but my dd 22mths knows who she is - even without me saying - she points to the pic of my mum and says nanny

So nanny she is !!

Granny
Grandma
Nanny
Nan

Does it matter ?

Monty27 · 25/01/2019 00:19

She's your child and you are her dm. Nobody else, just you.

SilverBirchTree · 25/01/2019 03:04

Your baby is 10 weeks old! She is tiny and so new. You're biologically wired to be together. Do what feels natural and right to you. Bugger everyone else.

I was the same until my son was about 6 months- time away from him was not a break to me. I felt most happy and relaxed when I was with him. If MIL actually wanted to give you a break she would listen to what would be helpful to you and offer to bring over dinner or something, not squirrel away time with your daughter.

GPs need to realise that if they want a relationship with a newborn- then they need to focus on their relationship with the newborns mother first. Being overbearing and inconsiderate is not on.

MutantDisco · 25/01/2019 04:02

Mine have never spent a night with anyone and they're 2 and 6. MIL was disrespectful of my wishes when DS1 was a baby; we are quite low contact with PIL.

You don't have to give your baby to anyone, OP.

Absofrigginlootly · 25/01/2019 06:21

OP I personally think MN isn’t the best place to ask these sorts of Qs. You’ll get told your selfish/clingy/unreasonable and practicing gateway parenting if you talk about daring to be the baby’s primary carer... it’s all about “equality” even though newborn babies couldn’t give a shiny poop about this and all they want is mum/mums heartbeat/smell/milk for the fourth trimester. They wake up and become a lot more aware around 12 weeks + and start to show genuine interest in other people like dad/granny then but the first 3 months should be about meeting baby’s emotional needs in adjusting to life outside the womb. It’s not sexist or selfish or unequal parenting etc we are mammals. It’s biology.

Surfskatefamily · 25/01/2019 06:25

Seriously YANBU. Mine has stayed with no-one other than his father yet. Hes 10months. Just say "no thank you" then ignore or change subject from thereon.

My dads wife takes the other grandkids off for days and tells strangers theyre her kids. Some people are strange when it comes to babies

MRex · 25/01/2019 06:42

God no, 10 weeks is teeny tiny. At 10 months I've left mine for 2 * 5 hour evenings out and some 2 hour day times; each time he's been with my DH. At 10 weeks I think I'd only left him with DH for 2 doctor appointments and a cycle ride. I'd love some family help, but none of them spend enough time with DS for him to know them, they just randomly say to tell them if we want to leave him. To us that wouldn't work, they need to spend time with us around him so they know what his cues are and so he knows who they are, then he could be left for brief periods and build up. My sisters put the effort in to get to know him when they see him but it's not often enough (hopefully one of them will take him for an hour soon), the rest don't put in the effort (sitting in the same room as him but chatting to adults). I've given up now and said we'll wait until he can talk to say what he needs and understand he's being left.

Villanellenovella · 25/01/2019 07:17

I think you are being a bit precious. Surely it wouldn't hurt to let your mil have her for a couple of hours

Fowles94 · 25/01/2019 07:20

Not her baby so not her rules. My lo is 7 months and I and her dad decide where are goes despite people moaning. She's not a toy to be passed around.

Everytimeref · 25/01/2019 07:24

As the mother of a son, I wouldn't be happy to be told that my DIL mum can look after their child but not me. The baby has half my son's DNA.
If you don't want to leave your child fine but don't think your being fair to your MIL in this situation.

dentydown · 25/01/2019 07:29

It’s your first, so you are going to want to not leave her. It’s natural and she should respect that.
There is time for mil to bond, but the first few weeks are precious.
If you can let mil gain your trust with her. Let her have cuddles with you there, even jokingly let her do a nappy if you want.
Tantrums will not get her what she wants.

Villanellenovella · 25/01/2019 07:35

So many threads where posters dont trust their mils to look after their kids having chosen to procreate with the kid that mil successfully raised.

StepAwayFromGoogle · 25/01/2019 07:37

Honestly, OP, if it's OK to leave the baby for an hour or so with your Mum, I can't see why it's not OK to leave DC with your MIL? There's no need to engineer a situation but the next time you need to be out for a bit, maybe see if MIL can look after DC? I think it's really sad when one set of grandparents gets preferential treatment because they happen to be the mother's parents rather than the father's. It's perfectly normal not to want to leave a 10 week old as a Mum but unless there's something I'm missing MIL is as capable of looking after DC as your Mum. I'm presuming she is/was a loving, attentive Mum to your DH?

snowone · 25/01/2019 07:57

I'm sorry OP but I think YABU.

IMO you either don't leave your daughter with anyone or you leave her with both parents.

What you are basically doing is showing your MIL that you don't trust her with your DD which is unfair....I'm presuming she did a semi decent job with your DP as he has made it to adulthood!

You should count yourself lucky that you have M/PIL that want to be involved! My ILs treat me and my DH so different from SIL and Family and it really really pisses me off!

Biancadelriosback · 25/01/2019 08:10

Pretty shocking that you "allow" your DP to spend time with his child.

tillytrotter1 · 25/01/2019 08:15

This is YOUR baby, not MIL's

It's not her mother's baby either but she seems happy enough to leave her there when it's convenient. Why are the mother's mothers always deemed so much more capable and important? Some woment deserve all the MIL problems they get, the child has two equal grandmothers.

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 25/01/2019 08:17

I think that grandparents should be treated equally. Do you not trust your mother in law? There will come a time when you might be grateful for the offer of help....