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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not wanting to leave my 10 week old baby

160 replies

disneymumx · 24/01/2019 17:01

So my baby is 10 weeks old and I have not left her for more than 4 hours yet. The first time was a necessity as we were moving into a new home and couldn’t do it with her. More recently me and my boyfriend went out for dinner and I left her with my mum and sister, knowing and trusting that she was in good hands. However, this is not pleasing the mother in law. We have already gotten into one argument over it and there are remarks made all the time by her, as well as her insisting that she is taking the baby out to “give me a break”. (I hate when people use this card more than anything as I do not need or want a break from my child and if I did I would ask). Am I wrong for not allowing her to take her out and let her mind her for the night? Right now the only person I feel that I could trust to look after her properly is my own mum as I know she is attentive to all of her needs. She goes out with her dad which, although I miss her and would prefer her to be with me, I obviously have to allow because he is her dad. Just so sick off feeling bad for it and having to try to please other people.

OP posts:

valentinoandme · 24/01/2019 17:42

Mine are 8 and 5 and they've never stayed anywhere else overnight!

Bluetrews25 · 24/01/2019 17:42

Did MIL send DP away for overnights at this age?
Best bet is probably to thank her for kind offer and you will let her know when you are both ready to take her up on it.

PotteringAlong · 24/01/2019 17:43

I think it’s a tricky one.

I get not wanting to leave them. None of mine had been out of my care at 10 weeks old, including not alone with DH. But that’s clearly not your issue, because you have left them, you just don’t want to leave them with your MiL. And unless there’s a massive back story then that’s unreasonable.

Burpsandfustles · 24/01/2019 17:45

I will never ever ever ever ever do this to my own dc.

It's awful! It's so mean and unfair. What I will say is something like... Of course we would love to look after our gc but you may not feel ready for years... You may want a break every week! Do whatever you want!

Biancadelriosback · 24/01/2019 17:47

Grandparents should be treated equally providing they are kind and caring people. Why do you not trust her with your baby?
As they say, don't bite the hand that feeds you. She's offering help now but may well withdraw it as you are showing her you don't trust her.
My natural instinct was to trust my mum above my MIL however I made sure she got to spend equal time with my DS as my mum. She is a fantastic grandmother and my DS adores her.

reallyanotherone · 24/01/2019 17:47

YANBU If you don't want to leave your baby with someone, don't do it

She is leaving the baby though. She is allowing one grandparent to have the baby alone, but not another.

The issue here is you are allowing your mum to have the baby, but not your mil.

I think you either have to say you aren’t ready to leave the baby, or you are. Unless your mil is a danger to the baby there is no reason to exclude her.

Like pp said, if your dh said you couldn't leave the baby with your mother, what would you say?

If i’m ever a gp i’d be incredibly hurt if dc’s mil was allowed to lok after the baby and i wasn’t.

loveskaka · 24/01/2019 17:52

Is this me writing this? Lol.... my ds is 13months and I am still like that! I think it's been made worse as mil is so pushy it's just made me rebel against her! The more she pushes the more i hold onto my ds. I don't get why mothers dnt understand that daughters obviously feel more comfortable with their own mums!!!

BlueSlipperSocks · 24/01/2019 17:54

Confused. Is your current boyfriend baby's dad?

angstridden2 · 24/01/2019 17:56

Poor MIL yet again on MN ...okay, don’t leave your child overnight until you, and they, are ready but as an earlier poster said unless your MIL has drink or other issues, she presumably parented your child’s father and should be able to manage one baby just fine.

hammeringinmyhead · 24/01/2019 17:59

On one hand you say your mum has only had her for 4 hours but your MiL is pestering for overnights. On the other you say you only trust your mum to look after your baby. These are 2 different AIBUs.

The first one - fine, my DS is 12 weeks and I have only been away from him for 3 hours max. The second - is there a reason you know MiL won't be "attentive to her needs"?

Original poster

disneymumx · 24/01/2019 18:03

Thank you for all your messages, it's nice to know that so many of you can understand where I'm coming from and feel the exact same.
Just to be clear I never want to leave her with anyone, I have only went out to keep my partner/her dad happy as I think he can feel a little left out sometimes and was asking to go out and it won't be happening for a long while again. I hated every second and didn't enjoy myself as I couldn't wait to get home to her, as expected of course.
The difference is, my mum will never ask to take her out, have her overnight or ask in any way to have her alone. I don't see why people need to be alone with her, especially when they are all more than welcome to come any time, I will even leave MIL to spend time with her whilst she is around by going off to do other things while she is here as she was so insistent on having alone time but that mustn't be good enough. She is not a toy or a prize, I personally just can't understand it.
I can understand why you might ask how I'd feel if my partner said he didn't want the baby left with my mum, and I would 100% understand if he did, to be honest I'd be happy as it means he wouldnt ask me to go out again. However, he doesn't have the best relationship with his mum by a long stretch, he will try his best to avoid her each time she is around. He also understands that I'm the one who cares for 24/7 a day and therefore appreciates and respects my opinions and decisions.
I can also see why people are seeing it as a case of "my mum is better than yours" but it is sooo not that. A few weeks ago maybe I would of been happy to leave her for an hour alone, but the fact she is so insistent on me not being around when she spends time with her just makes me uncomfortable and more reluctant to let this happen anytime in the near future.

OP posts:

MerryDeath · 24/01/2019 18:07

no way. i didn't leave my baby for more than 1 or 2 hours (my instigation) until he was 13 mo. your baby your rules, hun!

Jackshouse · 24/01/2019 18:08

Don’t go out again without your baby unless you want to. DPs wants do not trump your baby’s needs.

flumpybear · 24/01/2019 18:11

Tell her thank you and I'll
Ask for your help but just st the moment I'm fine and I'm not ready to leave my child, explain you were miserable when you went out before and had to move house.

If she moans just be strong you need to set boundaries, just say We will probably need loads of babysitting in the future but now isn't the right time

If she continues tell her the baby isn't a doll and you're very hormonally attached and you don't want to, maybe another time when you've had time to be a mum

lionsandwhales · 24/01/2019 18:18

My mum offered LOTs of times to take my DS1 so I could rest. What I would have really liked was for her to bring a meal round. I think I would have been more reciprocal if it wasn't so one sided and she at least appeared to have my families needs in mind. I have made a mental note to be properly useful with my grandchildren (not turn up regularly and wait to be offered a cup of tea while I breastfed, changed baby and shoved the washing on)
When I had DS 2, I would have loved some help so that I could have 1-2-1 time with my newborn. but never offered. Only interested in having newborn to selves and give me a break..... Nah. They do have the little ones for a few hours each week now that they are older and it is great for all of them to have some time alone without them. They have a good relationship with them now. Funny though.. I would love them to have them stay over more often but they are not so keen now!

Original poster

disneymumx · 24/01/2019 18:19

I think partners don't understand as they haven't carried them for 9 months and most like mine are back in work and away from them anyway.l, so they are more than used to it. And grandparents seem to have long forgotten what having a baby is like. It kills me when he takes her out, I just can't wait for her to be back and when she does come back it's like I'm seeing her for the first time all over again. I've allowed it because I feel I'd being unreasonable as he is her dad. After seeing some replies though I'm starting to feel I should put my foot down and not let her out my sight.

OP posts:

BlankTimes · 24/01/2019 18:24

the fact she is so insistent on me not being around when she spends time with her just makes me uncomfortable

Nobody NEEDS to be alone with someone else's baby.

I will even leave MIL to spend time with her whilst she is around by going off to do other things while she is here as she was so insistent on having alone time but that mustn't be good enough. She is not a toy or a prize, I personally just can't understand it

I'll never understand the grandparent alone time thing, ever. It's beyond weird that your MIL wants to be alone with your baby even in your own home.

I'd call her out on it and demand want to know WHY she feels the need to be alone with YOUR baby, what is driving her behaviour?

I'd ask her these questions straight out

What do you want to do with my baby that you feel you cannot do if I am in the same room in my own home?

What do you want to do to my baby that you feel you cannot do if I am in the same room in my own home?

Why do you want to be alone with my baby?

Maybe if you present it to her like that, she'll see how creepy weird she is being.

Burpsandfustles · 24/01/2019 18:30

Agree op is the pushing and to be alone.

Nanny0gg · 24/01/2019 18:44

I've allowed it because I feel I'd being unreasonable as he is her dad. After seeing some replies though I'm starting to feel I should put my foot down and not let her out my sight.

That is beyond unreasonable. 'Allowed it'? 'Put your foot down'?

Really?

Original poster

disneymumx · 24/01/2019 18:46

BlankTimes exactly!!!!! If I completely took over whilst she was here and wouldn't let her hold her or go near her I'd understand. But it's the opposite, she will have hold of the baby the whole time she is here, I will let her feed her, change her if she wants (well the novelty has worn off slightly with that now). I thought I was being more than fair by going off to do jobs around the house and just popping in occasionally so she could have at least a bit of that "alone time" that she so desperately needed. But clearly not. I definitely do need to ask her why she feels it's necessary to have her alone next time she asks

OP posts:

YellowSkyBlue · 24/01/2019 19:21

Totally agree with you OP. The lack of empathy that your MIL is showing you is a Red flag to me. Its uncomfortable and weird. Stick to you guns. You and your baby's needs come first.

MonicaGellerHyphenBing · 24/01/2019 19:30

YANBU, it's your baby.

However, it's great you want to spend every waking moment with her now, but there will come a time where you WILL need a break, so it's great you have the offers of help. I've never left my 15-month-old overnight but I left her for a few hours at a time quite early on, I really needed that time to myself, it was bliss! Having a break doesn't make you a bad mum.

Amy326 · 24/01/2019 19:33

YANBU. It’s up to YOU when and for how long you leave YOUR baby. I didn’t want to be away from mine at all at that age, I was breastfeeding so I couldn’t anyway but that suited me just fine because the idea of it would bring me out in a cold sweat!! It’s natural, she’s your precious baby and your instincts are strongly telling you to stay close. Nothing wrong with that. The MIL will have to accept it, tell her she’s welcome to spend time with her but you’re not happy to leave her yet and you’ll let her know when you are so no need to keep asking. Be clear but polite.

LynetteScavo · 24/01/2019 19:36

YANBU.

I left my DC with my DM long before I left them with FIL or MIL. My gut instinct told me what was right, so stuff the political "if you leave her with your DM you should leVe her with your MIL" It's what YOU and your baby are most comfortable with, not anyone else.

MonaLisaDoesntSmile · 24/01/2019 19:48

I think it's a bit of a MIL thing in general.
My Mum (lives in a different country) was meant to come and stay with us for a bit to help us out after my baby was born, MIL was actually really jealous/upset that we did not ask her to stay with us. We ended up having to as my Mum became very ill, and my baby and me were unwell so needed a bit of extra help, and I absolutely hated having her around (while I do like her, she was very patronising and annoying), so that was that. She offered a couple of times to take my baby over, and we dropped him off for an hour or two at a time, but I had to be very firm in refusing her unhelpful suggestions on a lot of things and she eventually got the point.

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