to think pamper parties for primary school children is not appropriate

[dancinginthehall]

I don't want to de-rail another thread, so thought I'd start a new one. My 9 year old niece has been invited to a couple of these recently and doesn't particularly enjoy them. Her parents aren't particularly keen either.

AIBU to wonder why young girls can't just remain children for a while and not have these grown up style events pushed on them? Surely at 9 party games or bowling or a trip to the cinema is more appropriate than having their make up and nails done?

But Goldenbear, if she considers nail polish and crafts to be similarly interesting, why would you allow her a craft party but not one where she gets her nails painted?

It's subliminal messages that I oppose. My DD changed schools at junior age and I have seen a real change in her appetite for learning, talking to me about books, famous artists etc. It's a complete contrast and it is down to the company she's keeping, her previous school had far too many parents that were of the 'pampering party' mindset. It encouraged the girls to be quite focused on superficial qualities in friendships like how long your hair was, whether you had a traditional girl's name- my DD's name isn't and throughout the whole of infant school she got asked why she had a boy's name and a bob haircut!

Yeah, I get that too. I just can't connect getting your nails painted once, for fun, with anything much bigger. And I'm a feminist who regularly bores her families' brains out with stuff like this.

I guess I find it interesting that the only party deemed objectionable is also the only one that's very definitely a girls activity. It makes me think that we are judging the choices of girls much more than those that boys might make. We're judging girls interests to be less valuable than boys'.

Because she doesn't see it as adorning herself with stuff to make herself look better. There's a curiosity as to what she can make from it, what is the outcome, like when she draws, it's a creative curiosity but nothing to do with 'looking' prettier. A party of let's face it, mostly girls, being pampered is what it says on the box, to indulge yourself in beauty, why question the beauty of young children- prematurely begin the age of self doubt and an unhealthy interest in looks?

goldenbear,
My dd 21 didnt get that subliminal message from going to pamper parties or her friends.

It's because it is viewed as primarily a girl's activity that people object. It is not really inherently fun for a child other than for them wanting to be like mother. Maybe we should start mini-me laundry parties too, so that they can learn what the ideal woman is really like.

But Goldenbear most people whose kids have been to one have said it was glittery nails and hair pleats. How is that closer to 'dangerous and unhealthy' than 'fun pastime'?

What, kids don't find playing dress up fun now? Come on!

My DD is not that Interested though and at her previous school pretended to be to get friends. I think by saying it's 'girls' interests' you are reinforcing these stereotypes that make it hard for girls like my DD to fit in.

The reverse is true as well, I have an 11 year old boy that wants to 'beef up' as he feels the class bully picks on him because he's not physically as strong as some boys in his year. He's very thin and despite eating lots doesn't put on weight easily. He's trying to live up to the idea that society has of boys that they have to be physically tough, I think he'd rather not feel he has to do this but is asking me what choice does he have to prevent this from happening. Seemingly, the teachers do nothing about the aggression around life in secondary schools for boys, indeed, one teacher responds to complaints by muttering, 'boys will be boys', so stereotypes around boys are not always positive or pleasant.

Well ok I won't call make up a girls interests. Which will change nothing, because it is.

Personally I find indulging myself in beauty is a fun activity and not in anyway related to trying to make myself more attractive for the opposite sex, just to make the best of me. Therefore I don't agree that there is anything untoward with a pamper party

It's interesting how pamper parties are being micro analysed to this degree with many posters concerned (and I totally get why) about the message it's sending our kids. There's another thread this morning where boy age 12 (I think) has been making unpleasant comments to girl age 12 and when she told him to stop he called her an appalling name back.

I think we also need to make sure influences which make that behaviour in our boys happen so young are being equally analysed.

tellmewhenthespaceshiplands
I hardly think name calling is limited to boys

Well I find it all a bit depressing frankly - it encourages a passive outlook, a girl having treatments to improve herself, I want my DD to use her mind, make things happen, not have this notion of being in the passenger's seat all the time!

I 100% agree that messaging to boys is the more important half of solving gender inequality at the moment.

Girls are at least 'allowed' to take up male professions, act in male ways, even if society doesn't value this in the same way.

Boys really really aren't 'allowed' to revel in feminine coded activities, clothes, behaviours.

I don't actually think the 'boys will be boys' attitude to violent behaviour is the key problem...the problem is the complete lack of smothering in rainbows, hearts and unicorns and how important caring and being a good friend is, that girls get, but boys really don't.

I'd like to see boys dressed head to toe in glittery unicorn swag, being praised for the caring way they looked after a friend who was having a bad day.

If boys got the same education, encouragement and praise for loving/caring behaviour that girls get, we would end male violence in a generation.

Gahhhh! But why are those things mutually exclusive? Do you own lipstick, and also have a job that requires you to engage your braincells? The majority of women probably use some amount of make up and are able to think for themselves.

The attitude that it's one or the other, and if girls use make up they're also passive, inactive, or not using their brains, is more damaging than a bloody one-off party.

Bruffin agree totally and I think we all know how utterly evil some girls can be. I was just saying that a young girls self esteem can be affected by lots of influences and that in the grand scheme of things, provided all other factors are positive, a pamper party here and there really isn't the work of the devil it's being made out to be.

If we're attaching so much importance then we have to be sure football parties/laser quest/PlayStation parties are under the same scrutiny, that's all.

Yes, emotional intelligence in boys and it's approval is equally important. My son who is actually fairly resilient is a bit scared of life in secondary school and is most upset about the contrast in expectations of boys compared to primary school. He says most friendships are based upon taking the mick out of each other, an exercise in humiliation- It seems nothing has changed since I was at secondary school in the early 90s!

I would absolutely hate to be a kid right now > aware I sound v old. Which I am!

@M3lon You are right.

Fortunately the choice isn't just between pamper parties for girls and football for boys.

But they are a great way of making 50% of people feel excluded, instead of teaching children to have good friends of either sex.

Of course, no harm from painting your nails and braiding hair once in a while. But there is if you are conditioned to see anything else as not suitable for you or no fun.

Of course, no harm from painting your nails and braiding hair once in a while. But there is if you are conditioned to see anything else as not suitable for you or no fun.

Wooly I think your second sentence nails (wahey!) what some of the real problem is.

Personally I find indulging myself in beauty is a fun activity and not in anyway related to trying to make myself more attractive for the opposite sex, just to make the best of me. Therefore I don't agree that there is anything untoward with a pamper party

See I think the opposite to this, I wear make up to look better, I don't think it is a fun activity at all, I think it is a boring necessity because society has told me that my washed out morning face will put people off their cornflakes. I colour my hair because I prefer it a different colour to my actual colour, but I hate the time I have to waste doing it.

So I don't necessarily think there is anything untoward with a pamper party, but I do think you don't need to be bothering with that crap at Primary age. If you are talking about hair chalk and glittery nail varnish, with chocolate fountains and a film fair enough.

If on the other hand you are talking about full on make overs and full face of make up for Primary age girls, done by professional make up artists then I think it is too much and better to wait until they are secondary age before you start these sorts of parties.

If on the other hand you are talking about full on make overs and full face of make up for Primary age girls, done by professional make up artists

They are not these type of parties. Its a bit of nail polish and hair plaits

My daughter has been to a few of these - she's ten.

Some were okay - mainly arts and crafts and the only beauty stuff was having their nails painted. I don't see why they have to be called pamper parties though and I really don't think they're what the OP is talking about.

Others were awful - the girls being given robes and fake champagne and a list of 'treatments' including facials and body and face make up, from which they could choose two.

I think the latter is really vulgar and kardashianesque and thankfully DD isn't keen either and picks the simplest options available - usually getting her nails done and having a bit of glitter sprayed in her hair. But some of them come out looking like children from Tantrums and Tiaras.

Woollyheart no commercialism at my DD's pamper party. I did it myself with a friend's teenage DD who did the hairdos.

Yes, it was all girls but then her friends were all girls and always had been. Her Luge and Aerial Extreme parties were also all girls. She didn't need an excuse not to invite boys! She just didn't!