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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to do this without offending friend

142 replies

Claudia1980 · 24/01/2019 06:22

I’ll try to keep this short. A school mum messaged me and another mum ( my good friend) about catching up for dinner.

We both responded we were keen to catch up. Fast forward two days and my good friend tells me and the mum who was organising the dinner that she has invited another friend. The mum who invited us doesn’t know her. I do but don’t have much time for her.

I feel like my good friend has kind of hijacked the dinner. I think the mum who invited us is a bit put out.

How do I tell my friend it was a bit weird to invite the other mum and that I don’t want to go to dinner with the tosser mum from baby class? Any I’m guessing the original inviter doesn’t either seeing she doesn’t even know her!

Advice please. What would you think? TIA

OP posts:
LL83 · 24/01/2019 06:29

Is the other mum a school mum? If so it's not that unusual to invite another school mum along.
If the school mum who invited extra is a close friend I would ask "why did you invite xx? I don't really like her."
If school mum is more a school mum friend I wouldn't rock the boat.

whateveryousay · 24/01/2019 06:31

I would just invent an excuse that I couldn’t go after all.

Cauliflowersqueeze · 24/01/2019 06:35

It’s more for the host to respond to the uninvited invitee than for you.

But if you don’t like the other woman I’d find a reason not to go.

You could always say “how come Xxx is coming?” And trail off.

KC225 · 24/01/2019 06:36

How do you know the mum arranging the dinner is put out, has she said anything to you? I don't think its odd to ask if XXXX can come along? But I would have probaly run it by the group first. It sounds like a mums nignt out dinner, and perhaps your good friend just thought the more the merrier. I am assuming your good friend doesn't know you don't like the woman from baby group. I think go - be proven right or wrong with babay group woman or say to your friend 'I know her from baby group, can't stand her, I'm going to bail out'

ILiveInSalemsLot · 24/01/2019 06:37

I’d either just turn up and hope to enjoy the evening anyway or just say ‘sorry somethings come up and I can’t make it after all’

BunsOfAnarchy · 24/01/2019 06:41

Id just tell her you're not keen on the new invitee and its a bit rude to invite someone when its not been planned by you.
School mum has organised this to see both of you, not for third party randomers to be invited.

I dont know how id word it though as currently my brain is a puddle and i should seriously get some sleep lol

(I also echo @whateveryousay and just not bother going)

BunsOfAnarchy · 24/01/2019 06:44

Its just a bit rude that shes invited without even asking whether anyone minds if she invites someobe else along

Bringbackthestripes · 24/01/2019 06:47

Wow. Very rude, when you are a guest, to invite someone else. Just tell her the invite didn’t say ‘plus one’ and ask wth she was thinking?
If you now don’t go the host is stuck with just your friend and the uninvited guest- awkward.

strawberrisc · 24/01/2019 06:48

I wouldn’t go. Long gone are the days of spending time with people I don’t like. The only time I do so is when it’s my friend’s birthday and she always invites always along “the big tree”. We’re icily polite to each other for my friend’s sake.

Hospitaldramafamily · 24/01/2019 06:48

I'd say, "Ah, in that case I'll leave you to it - hope you have a great night. Let's catch up soon just the three of us.,"

Mayrhofen · 24/01/2019 06:49

It’s rude, it wasn’t her “party” to do the inviting to. Since she is a good friend couldn’t you say “oh, isn’t that a bit rude inviting someone else, when host doesn’t know her, and it’s host’s invite.”

slkk · 24/01/2019 06:58

I guess you’re going out for dinner, not to original mum’s home? In that case I’d go along anyway, but just sit next to original mum and have the catch up you planned.

rosablue · 24/01/2019 06:59

Is it a meal out or dinner at her house?

I’d assumed the latter - in which case that’s really awkward - as it means the inviter suddenly has to pay for another meal. Might slso be her house isn’t big enough or that she has 3 cosy seats that are great for a catch up but 4 means sitting differently and not so good. Not to mention the whole it’s her dinner she can ask who she wants - that’s perfectly legitimate as a reason.

Even if it’s going out for a meal it’s fairly rude - maybe other friend has news to share or something to discuss that she wants input from her 2 friends on rather than discussing with a stranger.

Could you call your friend out on it in a gentle teasing way - ‘so, aren’t we good enough for you now for the whole evening that you need to bring along Mrs Tosser for extra conversation?’ ( to be said nicely and lightly and with better wording!)

Or maybe organising friend or you could do a bumbling oh. Well. Hmmm. That kind of makes it a bit awkward. If that’s going to happen then maybe we can organise a catch up soon between just the 3 of us as there was a reason l just asked the 2 of you that’s not going to work with a stranger in the mix. How does next week sound?

Mummyoflittledragon · 24/01/2019 07:01

Have you asked the inviting mum how she feels? I’d find that out first and perhaps approach it as inviting mum is going to feel left out seeing as she doesn’t know the other woman and you both do.

If inviting mum cancels, I would too stating that inviting mums invitation should be honoured first. Your good friend should have asked first. You know her. Is she easily offended? It’s not worth falling out over this.

2019Dancerz · 24/01/2019 07:01

If you only know her from baby class why not spend one evening in her company. She might be crying out for some friends/adult company. You don’t have to repeat it if it goes badly

CantWaitToRetire · 24/01/2019 07:01

Do you know for sure that the mum who issued the original invite is put out? If yes, then maybe confer with her and get her send a new message saying something has come up and she can no longer make it and you can then jump in on the message and say it's actually proving difficult for you too and suggest you speak soon to rearrange. When you get round to rearranging you (or the other mum) should be clear that it's only the three of you.

Original poster
Claudia1980 · 24/01/2019 07:03

Thanks everyone. Yes that’s what I sort of thought too. That it wasn’t her place to invite someone the host doesn’t know. I am assuming the host is not longer keen on the dinner because of a random being invited and has gone MIA on
The message chain now. But if a shame really. It’s not that I really don’t like this other woman. She is just a lot younger than us, was extremely flaky in baby group and I know we’ll probably go to dinner and I’ll never see her again. I don’t see the point.

OP posts:
Auntiepatricia · 24/01/2019 07:03

She probably shouldn’t have invited someone else without asking but you don’t sound very kind. Maybe give ‘Tosser mum’ a chance? I’ve honestly never really met anyone in all these years who I would need to be so unkind to and about as you are being and maybe this woman is an awful human but is she really?

Mummyoflittledragon · 24/01/2019 07:03

Actually that much more diplomatic than I suggested Cantwait deffo go with this.

Llioed · 24/01/2019 07:05

If I was organising a meal with two people and one of them invited someone I didn’t know, I wouldn’t be happy about that. I have a weird social anxiety and only feel comfortable with people I know in my home. I more ok with meeting new people in group situations out and about, but not forced on me in my own home.

The woman organising this meal should have said this was unacceptable as soon as she found out this “good friend” had invited someone else along. When did you find out? When is the meal? Is it too late for the hostess to say no to fourth person coming along?

If I were in your shoes, I would take the good friend to one side and explain that the hostess does not know the fourth person and that it wasn’t really fair to invite fourth person without checking with hostess first. I’m quite good at explaining things like that face to face in a gentle but firm way with my close friends - you can get the tone across the right way face to face, rather than via text. Are you able to do this?

0nTheEdge · 24/01/2019 07:06

I have said in similar circumstances that I'd been looking forward to it but with the new addition that it changes the dynamic a bit, so I'd sit this one out and we could rearrange as originally planned for another time but I hoped they all had a lovely evening. I would say this to both original mums. This gives invitee mum the option to go ahead or rearrange too. I would be put out, but would made sure I didn't stew on it.

2019Dancerz · 24/01/2019 07:10

Wow. No wonder people talk about school gate cliques when it is a major drama to have dinner with someone you don’t know.

Holidayshopping · 24/01/2019 07:11

Pull out gracefully.

Original poster
Claudia1980 · 24/01/2019 07:11

@auntiepatricia how can you possibly think I am being unkind and awful when I am on here asking other mums how to not offend my friend? As I said I have nothing against this other mum that was randomly invited. More I feel bad for the mum who invited me and my friend as I feel it’s awkward and rude to invite someone she doesn’t know. That’s it.

OP posts:
Alienspaceship · 24/01/2019 07:15

Oh I hate it when people do this. You get an invite and accept or decline based on what you are invited to. Then someone changes it to something you wouldn’t have accepted. I’m with you op, I don’t see the ping of spending an evening with someone you’re not interested in talking to. I spend all week making an effort to talk to people at work because thats what I’m paid to do. I don’t want to have to make an effort for an evening out.