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Original poster

How to do this without offending friend

142 replies

Claudia1980 · 24/01/2019 06:22

I’ll try to keep this short. A school mum messaged me and another mum ( my good friend) about catching up for dinner.

We both responded we were keen to catch up. Fast forward two days and my good friend tells me and the mum who was organising the dinner that she has invited another friend. The mum who invited us doesn’t know her. I do but don’t have much time for her.

I feel like my good friend has kind of hijacked the dinner. I think the mum who invited us is a bit put out.

How do I tell my friend it was a bit weird to invite the other mum and that I don’t want to go to dinner with the tosser mum from baby class? Any I’m guessing the original inviter doesn’t either seeing she doesn’t even know her!

Advice please. What would you think? TIA

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 24/01/2019 09:38

Gosh it's like mean girls the sequel. Just go, you're still with the other two, try to play nice, there's a good girl.

Ffs

Lizzie48 · 24/01/2019 09:55

You're not coming across very well here, OP, I feel sorry for the 'flakey mum from baby group'. It's like you guys haven't left the playground tbh. I feel sorry for this mum, she might have all sorts of reasons why she wouldn't be able to host an event, reasons which she really didn't want to discuss with a group of women who clearly didn't like her.

You never know, your children could end up best mates in future and then you'd have to find a way to get on with her.

ShatnersWig · 24/01/2019 09:58

@Lizzie48 You should see her on some other threads. Comes across far worse.

Lizzie48 · 24/01/2019 09:59

FWIW, I wouldn't have a problem in the scenario described, especially if it's a meal out. One extra person doesn't change the dynamics all that much.

Lizzie48 · 24/01/2019 10:07

@ShatnersWig

I tend not to notice that much who's saying what, as most posters name change frequently. There are a few who are constantly on here who don't do that (I'm guilty too lol!), whose names I do recognise and who I know what to expect from, you being one of them! Grin

I'd love it if this OP came back with a thread about this 'flakey mum', where their DC were best mates and were wanting play dates.

Lycanthropology · 24/01/2019 10:07

It’s actually quite depressing that the majority of posters here are with the OP here and in favour of excluding/ cancelling/ univiting. How fucking horrible.

If needs be, the other friend will have to uninvite the fourth woman

Seriously, can you imagine being on the receiving end of that? Someone kindly invites you out, you’re really pleased, but then that person later says: “Sorry, my other friends don’t want you there, you can’t come after all”. Seriously horrible and unkind.

SJane45S · 24/01/2019 10:09

It's just one night, that's all. If the dinner is at the friend who initiated this house, then yes good friend should have asked. Even it it wasn't, she should have asked if either of you minded. But honestly, there's probably a good reason that good friend has asked 'tosser Mum' along such as good friend knows she's lonely, feels isolated and wants to get out there. In my friendship groups, we're really not that exclusive and it's pretty common for other people other than original invitee's to come, not all of whom I'll like. We're not in the playground anymore and this smacks a bit of 'I don't like her and she can't play with us' . If you expect your kids to behave better than that then maybe don't make a deal of it. If this woman is feeling crap about herself then making sure she's excluded from this isn't going to help. Sorry if this is a bit over strong, its annoying spending time with people you don't like but it's just one evening and just have a couple of glasses and enjoy yourself with the host. If she really is that awful, least it will give you something to laugh at to yourself afterwards!

ShatnersWig · 24/01/2019 10:09

@Lizzie48 Perhaps I had better name change immediately! I hope I'm not THAT bad!

ContessaIsOnADietDammit · 24/01/2019 10:10

I think the one who did the additional inviting was rude, yes, esp if it was a dinner invitation to the first inviter's house.

Having said that, I have made friends with loads of people since I became a mum who I never thought I'd have anything in common with at all. I actually think it's been quite good for me and has widened my bubble a bit.

diddl · 24/01/2019 10:17

"Is it another person’s thing, though?"

It's not entirely clear is it?

That's why I think that if it's a group who have met before it may not have been completely rude.

Lycanthropology · 24/01/2019 10:22

Oh I agree with you, diddl 🙂

I simply quoted your little phrase because it seemed to sum up what lots of others thought.

Missingstreetlife · 24/01/2019 10:23

Speak to the woman who invited you both. If she's ok suck it up, but if not decide how to tackle other friend. She is in the wrong and needs to be told for future ref even if the extra person comes this time.
Lycan, it's simple, you don't invite other people to a private arrangement unless you check first. Would you like people to bring husband, kids other family or friends, put a note up at school? Where does it stop?

Dutch1e · 24/01/2019 10:23

I hope 'young flaky' mum is on MN and recognises herself. I'd hate to show up to a simple meal and realise I was getting the cold shoulder

Lizzie48 · 24/01/2019 10:28

Lol! I meant that as a compliment actually, @ShatnersWig . Grin

The OP has gone quiet, funny that.

Missingstreetlife · 24/01/2019 10:29

Don't have to give her cold shoulder, if she comes be nice but friend who invited her needs boundaries. It wouldn't hurt her to ask first.

greedygorb · 24/01/2019 10:29

Your friend is completely out of order- she didn't organise the dinner so she doesn't get to invite anyone else. I do think the person organising it has ownership- if shes organised something specific. If she's organised an evening down the pub, bring who you like- then thats different. It puts the host in an awkward position if they don't like the fourth person. If your host agrees OP you just have to suck it up really or cancel.
I do't have huge numbers of opportunities to go out but I know I hate it when I arrange something and then someone asks someone I don't like without checking. Waste of an evening. Someone new would be better because I might actually like them.

Lycanthropology · 24/01/2019 10:31

Thanks for the lesson in etiquette, Missing Hmm

Private arrangement? We have no idea how casual or fluid this group’s arrangements usually are. Perhaps she should have checked, but the huffiness and unwelcoming reaction are really unpleasant, cliquey and exclusionary.

We do actually have a mums night out in my rural area here where there is, in fact a note given out, and put up in school. Newcomers and new mums are sought out and encouraged to come along!

greedygorb · 24/01/2019 10:33

What is Mean Girls is this

@Lizzie48 You should see her on some other threads. Comes across far worse

UnicornSlaughters · 24/01/2019 10:42

This is your personal free time. You spend that with people you like. Life is too short. If you don't like her then make your excuses and don't go. This isn't school or work, you don't have to get along and play nicely with everyone.

ShatnersWig · 24/01/2019 10:51

@greedygorb Have a look if you want. She's an absolute peach. And your statement would make the assumption that everyone on MN is female...

@Lizzie48 Blush

ILoveChristmasLights · 24/01/2019 11:01

Your good friend was really rude, it’s not her event to invite people to. Your other friend organised it, not her. As one who has been invited, you can’t just invite randoms along.

I would talk to the other friend and see what she wants to do now. I’d happily act as the go between. I’d suggest telling the good friend that it’s not on, she can have dinner with baby group woman and you will have dinner with the other friend.

It might not be ‘kind’ to baby group mum, but you’re not obliged to be ‘kind’ to people you don’t like, simply not unkind and it’s not unkind to not socialise with them.

Missingstreetlife · 24/01/2019 11:05

Lycan it's quite clear. If you put a note up, or say bring a friend, that's clear too but different. I think if you invite 2 people to your house or book a table you need to be clear on numbers. If everybody is bringing their mum it's a different evening

Jaxhog · 24/01/2019 11:10

I'd be pretty put out if I invited someone out and they decided to bring someone else. That's just rude! Your 'friend' is already in the wrong so I wouldn't worry about her feelings.

If you don't like this person, then just pull out.

greendale17 · 24/01/2019 11:12

I'd say, "Ah, in that case I'll leave you to it - hope you have a great night. Let's catch up soon just the three of us.,"

^Do this

Lycanthropology · 24/01/2019 11:14

Missing The point is that this woman has already been invited. The issue, then is what to do about it now. Dwelling on what should or should not have already happened and whether or not she should have been invited is pointless and futile without a time machine.

Uninviting/ cancelling/ opting out as a response is unfriendly, unpleasant and exclusionary.

The note in school was something YOU introduced, apparently as an example of welcoming others having gone too far. I see now you think it’s OK if it’s “clear”.