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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to do this without offending friend

142 replies

Claudia1980 · 24/01/2019 06:22

I’ll try to keep this short. A school mum messaged me and another mum ( my good friend) about catching up for dinner.

We both responded we were keen to catch up. Fast forward two days and my good friend tells me and the mum who was organising the dinner that she has invited another friend. The mum who invited us doesn’t know her. I do but don’t have much time for her.

I feel like my good friend has kind of hijacked the dinner. I think the mum who invited us is a bit put out.

How do I tell my friend it was a bit weird to invite the other mum and that I don’t want to go to dinner with the tosser mum from baby class? Any I’m guessing the original inviter doesn’t either seeing she doesn’t even know her!

Advice please. What would you think? TIA

OP posts:
Handprints2018 · 24/01/2019 08:19

If you aren't keen then don't go. I wouldnt spend a rare evening out with people i wasn't keen on or thought were a lot of effort either.

Your friend was very rude inviting. Is it at host mum's house? If so extremely rude and i foresee a last minute cancellation by the host.

If it's at the host's house i would pm your friend and tell her she was rude while cancelling on the watsapp group. I suspect host mum would soon follow!

Lougle · 24/01/2019 08:20

You haven't clarified whether this is a night out for you all, or an invitation to host's home? This is the clincher for me.

redcarbluecar · 24/01/2019 08:22

I think it was a bit weird of your friend to invite the 4th person, but I'd probably just put up with it unless you really can't stand her or the other three of you are a really tight knit group. It might still be a nice evening and I wouldn't suggest making lame excuses to pull out.

Essentially it's probably more the inviter's prerogative to say who can and can't come. If you want to address it with your friend I'd do so directly - "It was a bit odd of you to invite other person, are you sure X is OK with that?" Then see where it goes from there.

ShatnersWig · 24/01/2019 08:23

It's rude to invite someone else along to what was planned to be a get together of three friends without asking the other two regardless of whether it's a night out or a night at the host's house; it's just that if it's the latter is super fucking rude rather than just rude.

thebeesknees123 · 24/01/2019 08:25

I with the others. I wouldn't say anything but would probably bow out. I don't know how I'd put it without being offensive. I definitely wouldn't call her on it - even in a nice way.

This sort of thing is par for the course as the friend didn't feel the dinner was exclusive but you did. I doubt she meant any harm but can understand why you wouldn't want to go

SaturdayNext · 24/01/2019 08:28

Is the friend who is hosting it doing so in her own home or is just organising a table at a restaurant? If the former, it's really up to her to say that she would rather choose who she invites to her home.

LemonTT · 24/01/2019 08:28

Why not trust your good friend that this woman you don’t really know may be ok. It’s only a diner, not a month in a secluded farmhouse.

I would let it go but if you must, ask your good friend if she had a reason for inviting her and suggest she checks it was ok with organiser.

You are going to make friends with the other mothers and become just acquainted with others. Overall a strong positive network is better than acrimony over a dinner.

Making a fuss could result in you losing a friend maybe more.

Iwantedthatname19 · 24/01/2019 08:29

On the other hand baby group mum is not to blame for good friend inviting her, so I think to say 'not going if she does' - which will quite possibly get back to baby group mum - would not be a very nice thing to do. I'd go - who knows, bg mum may be going through a tough time and it's one evening (which I do know can be incredibly rare!) By the way I am assuming this is going out, not inviting to the original mum's house.

Funkyslippers · 24/01/2019 08:30

I agree with others - whoever is the extra person invited, it's polite to ask first if it's ok. Twice this has happened to me and it does change the dynamic if it's someone you don't know very well

Strugglingtodomybest · 24/01/2019 08:33

I'm assuming it's dinner out. No one would invite someone else to dinner at another person's house surely?

gamerchick · 24/01/2019 08:43

fair cal tosser probably was a bit harsh. Yeah she had a fair few chances at baby class and ended up annoying everyone because she would always flake out when it was her turn to host with these elaborate excuses. It was a total joke and no one could be bothered with her

Really? You can't think of a single reason why that could have happened other than just being annoying and flakey? You're being unkind and want her ostracised because she doesn't host. What's the big deal, is looking in people's bathroom cabinets that important to you?

Claudia, how can you not see that making a big drama and ensuring that everyone knows ‘tosser mum’ isn’t welcome is unkind. Yes other friend should have cleared inviting her with you two but probably didn’t expect you to be so incredibly unwelcoming to another mum

This.

That said inviting someone not expected is irritating and if the host has vanished from the chat there will probably be a cancellation. I wouldn't worry, you'll probably succeed in freezing this woman out eventually.

swingofthings · 24/01/2019 08:46

Same happened to me, although indeed, it was dinner out. We're a group in our late 40s/early 50s, and this person is eslry 30s. We have children, she doesn't and I thought at the time, very little in common with us. However, the person who organised appeared fine with the decision. That girl showed up, still didn't think much of her and was a bit sad our threesome was at threat, especially as it became the norm to invite her.

2 years on and I'm ashamed as she is a great person and I get along brilliantly with her. We have much more in common than I thought. She is fun, nice and has a lot of good advice re. Children. I now look as much forward meeting her as the others.

My advice is give this person a chance. Your good friend is.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 24/01/2019 08:47

Ring the original inviter and see if she's upset/bothered or not - because, for all you know the other person may have asked her and she's cool with it. She won't say on a message chain if she's not

I wouldn't cancel if original organiser is still up for it, that would be ruder still.

eddielizzard · 24/01/2019 08:51

I personally would respond and say 'actually, I'd rather it was just us this time.' Off of her to invite friend, and probably does this regularly. Clearly sees nothing wrong with it because nobody says anything. Time to say something.

MyOtherProfile · 24/01/2019 08:53

I’m loathe to spend a night out with a random!
But you're also spending it with two mates. Does it really matter if the extra person comes or not? She could as a PP said have been embarrassed by her house, have struggled with PND, have struggled to keep commitments.

Flyinggeese · 24/01/2019 08:55

OP if the reason for the dilemma is because you're feeling bad for the organiser mum - just leave it be - she's an adult and can look after herself.

I suspect though this is more about you not wanting to spend time with the 'flakey' mum - just be honest about that if so and drop out.

Fiddie · 24/01/2019 08:59

Just say in that case I'll give this one a miss, let me know when the two of you are free again and we'll have a catch up just the three of us.

Easy.

UnicornSlaughters · 24/01/2019 09:03

Make up an excuse as to why you can no longer go. Message original mum separately and ask if she fancies organising something for just the two of you.

Lycanthropology · 24/01/2019 09:10

OP, please can you clarify whether dinner is at your friend’s house or out at restaurant? This is important.
If you’re going out, then it’s really not a case of host and guests, is it? It’s just that one person suggested going out and you’re all going out together and, presumably, each paying her own way. There’s no person in charge. I don’t see a problem with one person inviting another whom they possibly think is lonely, needing company, etc. in this scenario. I think it’s a kind thing to do.
I agree with a PP above about cliques.

CatnissEverdene · 24/01/2019 09:22

She wasn't worried about offending you by including someone else.

Just be honest, it isn't the meet up you'd imagined and it's a no.

And then arrange something with the other mum.

Auntiepatricia · 24/01/2019 09:24

Gosh this thread really shows me why some people really struggle to make friends or have a network of people around them. You know those threads from people saying they have no friends and how can they make some? I understand it better now.

I always love meeting new people and even a mum I’d found not really my type of person, I’d never let them know I thought that and am always aware that they could still become a great friend in future. I’m not tremendously keen on people who say backhanded unkind things (people do this very very often and think others don’t know what they’re doing, kind of like OP with her fake concern for her hosting friend) about others but I know that usually those people really don’t mean harm and are insecure. I am happy to socialise with literally anyone. And I have a lot of people I could call on for support or help if needed and equally, people know they could ask me for help.

The people who suffer are the shy ones who want and need help but are intimidated by mums like the OP.

Chamomileteaplease · 24/01/2019 09:26

I would telephone the original mum and have a chat about how she feels. You can tell her how you feel and sort it out. If needs be, the other friend will have to uninvite the fourth woman.

diddl · 24/01/2019 09:30

So it's two friends & someone you know but aren't keen on?

So a good chance that it would still go OK?

You say that your good friend invited the other mum-any chance she feels left out when it's the three of you?

(Not that I think she was right to invite someone to another person's thing-but if you all used to meet up perhaps not totally rude?)

Lycanthropology · 24/01/2019 09:34

to another person's thing
Is it another person’s thing, though? Does the person who suggested going out have some sort of ownership of the evening? I find that pretty weird.
Unless it’s at someone’s house, which for some reason the OP seems loath to clarify.

AlexaAmbidextra · 24/01/2019 09:35

I had a friend that would always alter arrangements. It would start off maybe three or four of us having a catch up in a restaurant. Friend would the proceed to invite others, albeit people we all knew, but hadn’t chosen to spend time with. She would then suggest we went somewhere else as they had a Wowcher or some such offer on. Ffs, if I had wanted to be with these others and eat at some second-rate Wowcher venue I’d have done so in the first place. I used to pull out as the dynamic had changed so much. She did it every fucking time. 🙄