How to do this without offending friend

[Claudia1980]

I’ll try to keep this short. A school mum messaged me and another mum ( my good friend) about catching up for dinner.

We both responded we were keen to catch up. Fast forward two days and my good friend tells me and the mum who was organising the dinner that she has invited another friend. The mum who invited us doesn’t know her. I do but don’t have much time for her.

I feel like my good friend has kind of hijacked the dinner. I think the mum who invited us is a bit put out.

How do I tell my friend it was a bit weird to invite the other mum and that I don’t want to go to dinner with the tosser mum from baby class? Any I’m guessing the original inviter doesn’t either seeing she doesn’t even know her!

Advice please. What would you think? TIA

I go with giving baby group mum another chance - she may have been flaky with a new baby for various reasons and now reformed! (or if still flaky won't turn up anyway.)

Could good friend think baby group mum and other mum may have something in common - shared interest, live close by etc?

Group outings are a bit susceptible to people inviting others along - it can be annoying or it can sometimes turn out to be good fun. It is one of life's very minor occasional occupational hazards. (I agree that if original mum had something she wants to talk about to the two of you that would interrupt that dynamic, but it doesn't sounds as though that's the case?)

Claudia1980 you called her a ‘tosser mum’ but you don’t have anything against her? Not sure that’s the message coming across in your OP.
If you feel bad for the original mum who invited, message her. Ask her if she’s ok with the new addition, or whether she wants to rearrange for just the three of you. (Although I’m not sure she will extend the invite to your friend again if she’s pissed off about the extended invite.)

What would you think?

Not a lot, I'd just go for the meal and enjoy the chat. I may have an initial thought that it was a bit weird to invite someone else along but I wouldn't dwell on it.

@scurfnnerf fair cal tosser probably was a bit harsh. Yeah she had a fair few chances at baby class and ended up annoying everyone because she would always flake out when it was her turn to host with these elaborate excuses. It was a total joke and no one could be bothered with her

So it’s probably a bit of my past experience with her, the fact that the original mum who extended the invite doesn’t know her, plus the fact I haven’t seen her nor am I likely too after this potential dinner that I just think I can’t be arsed spending a night with someone like that. I have lots of friends and very rarely get to see them because of my work so I’m loathe to spend a night out with a random!

I do agree it's better to ask the others in a group before adding someone - particularly if it's one person who has initiated an outing, rather than a 'let's all get together' type of arrangement. Then if the others want to keep things as they are they can diplomatically say 'let's keep it with us three this time and then next time invite x along'.

But thinking about this more - so many mn threads from people saying they wish they had friends, feel isolated, pnd etc. Maybe good friend mum is doing this for a reason - knows baby group mum is lonely, going through hard time? (though I agree it's still better to check first!)

Wow - an older mum calling another mum ' the tosser from baby group' and her crime ... She is younger than us and flakey at baby group. And you think good friend is rude.

I have nothing against this other mum that was randomly invited.

That’s not what you said at first. On knowing that this is just because she’s young and flaky, I’d say that it would be kind to include her (seeing as you don’t have a problem with her).

Your position has now changed to being sensitive to the host having a problem. But you don’t know this. Why not check it out with her? (Or just leave her to responsible for herself).

Just don’t go if you don’t want to. Quite often when I go out people invite others and you mix with people you don’t know so well. Unless it’s a formal do like a wedding or it’s in someone’s home I don’t think most get togethers are strictly invite by the host only.
I was going to say it’s a bit off your food friend inviting someone you really don’t like but it seems her only problems are being young and not being the most together when she’d just had a baby!
Like I said - just cancel as you’ll probably just bring the mood down going if you resent the other woman being there.

I would apologise to the host for your friend being cheeky, to get a feel of how she feels about it. If she says it put her out then just tell her to cancel. Tell your friend why so she doesn't do it again.

If she "flakes out when it was her turn to host" you are being v short sighted in judging her. It could be for many reasons - can't afford to host/ home too small / embarrassed by her home compared to everyone else / messy house / controlling partner / lives with parents but doesn't want to disclose etc etc
Your friend was wrong to invite without consultation especially as she's not the organiser, but you seem to be judging the other mum.
To me it's simple. Private message original inviter and meet her alone. Problem solved.

Is it a meal out, or a meal at the school mum's house? Can't quite understand that.

But no, I probably wouldn't go if someone I didn't like had been thrown into the mix.

I too think that GoodFriend has some insight and good intentions in inviting BabyGroupMum (there’s loads of good reasons that she’d dodge hosting fgs).

However, it’s also absolutely fine to drop out if you don’t like the new arrangements. Can be done very calmly and without fuss.

The suggestions not to go - I understand them, but thinking of it from point of view of baby group mum - to say 'if she's going then I'm not' is really not that kind. And if you tell good friend mum why, there's no guarantee that bg mum won't find out, which could be really upsetting for her.

I agree with poster just now about the possible reasons for bg mum not hosting - anxiety could be one of them. Maybe good friend mum knows more and is trying to help her?

Maybe baby group mum was embarrassed about her house?

How does your friend who has invited know the mum from baby group and are you still going to it?

Honestly though you dont come across very well - there is a high chance she was embarrassed to host given the judgemental views about her age so she cancelled.

Well obviously if your social life is so precious you cant bear to spend an evening w 2 good friends and someone you know tangentially then you should definitely scupper the evening.

I have lots of friends and very rarely get to see them because of my work so I’m loathe to spend a night out with a random!

I feel like this. And yes, the “random” may turn out to be the nicest, most interesting person ever. I know this. I am, however, old enough to take the risk of missing out on that occurrence!

Tell the inviting mum this and then drop out, suggesting you rearrange another time.

The hosting mum is probably feeling a bit upset too, hence going MIA, so why don't you invite her to yours for dinner?

This would wind me right up.

I would privately message the mum who invited you both and say you have no idea why your friend has done that and you’re not keen to meet up with the other person. Then you can both pull out and go out together.

If your friend asks why you both cancelled, tell her.

It's rude. Friend should have asked both the host and you "how would you feel if WE invited X along as well?"

On this occasion you might not have wanted to, and just wanted the three of you getting together. Another time you might have been happier to widen the group.

Having encountered people like this in the past, they will regularly start changing arrangements and inviting other people alone - sometimes random people you've never met who turn out to be arseholes and completely ruin the dynamic or the day out - unless you call them out on it. I'd have no hesitation in saying something to your friend.

I would write something like if X is coming then that changes the dynamic, which is a shame because I was really looking forward to catching up with you two. Oh well another time xx

To be honest, if I were the good friend in this situation and you pulled out over this I would be thinking that you were the weird one. Yes it's not ideal, but I'd rather see my good friend and inviting friend with baby group mum than not see them at all.

It's rude. Friend should have asked both the host and you "how would you feel if WE invited X along as well?"

This. And is it out or at her home?

The other person could be the nicest person on the planet. Still no excuse or someone to invite her along.

So does this mean we are postponing the original catch up then between the three of us?

You could also contact the person who invited you privately to find out what she thinks. She might not want to say anything on the original chat.

Claudia, how can you not see that making a big drama and ensuring that everyone knows ‘tosser mum’ isn’t welcome is unkind. Yes other friend should have cleared inviting her with you two but probably didn’t expect you to be so incredibly unwelcoming to another mum.

I agree with 2019Dancerz, this is exactly the sort of thing that causes mums to feel unwelcome, outsiders, unwanted etc at the school gate.