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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To allow dd12 to attend my smear test?

779 replies

Toomanychefs · 24/01/2019 00:39

I have my smear test tomorrow. Mentioned it to dd and she asked if she could come with me. I said yes, of course, but dp thinks I'm totally out of order.
So not to drip feed, my dm is a cervical cancer survivor, my smears are always clear, dd has just had her hpv jab at school.
Dps ex wife has never had a smear test as she's 'too private and doesn't want to be violated'
My thoughts are, 'get her to realise its not a big deal so she has no problem going for hers'
Dp says I'm going to scar her for life.
She's not going to be standing at the end of the bed watching the intricate detail (although I'd happily allow her to if it meant she'd realise the importance)
Aibu?

OP posts:

Namechangedforthis79 · 24/01/2019 06:48

If she wants to go I think its a great idea.

Plabom · 24/01/2019 06:51

I'm so surprised at the prudish responses! How strange!

She's 12, she's asked you, and it'll de-mystify the smear experience, which is NOT a big deal.

My DM refuses to have one because she's a prude. Her sister & mother died of cancer so you think that would motivate her but nope!

Let her see it's not a big deal. You sound like a great mum!

Pk37 · 24/01/2019 06:57

Not seeing a problem with her going and don’t understand the shock or distaste .
If she’s interested and she can see it’s nothing to be afraid of then I don’t see anything wrong with it .
She’s not going to performing it!

FamilyOfAliens · 24/01/2019 06:57

I'm a lone parent and he has ASD so I had very few people available to look after him.

I’ve always booked my smear tests and other intimate procedures for when my children were at school. Does your 8 year old DS not go to school, @ShesAnEasyLlama?

Claudia1980 · 24/01/2019 06:57

I think if she wants to go and has asked you that’s fantastic! Have no idea why people are saying it’s inappropriate. And for those of you that think a 12 year old hasn’t found her vaginal opening yet? Really?!

user1471426142 · 24/01/2019 06:59

“I also feel this question is more appropriate to posters who have actually had a 12 year old daughter, comparing it to taking a toddler to a midwife appointment is ridiculous.”

Well no I don’t think it’s ridiculous actually. People have been talking about mentally scaring children, putting staff in a dificult position etc and a 3/4 year old isn’t going to have the same understanding as an older child and in theory could get more upset but people wouldn’t bat an eyelid at them going to smears or other appointments and they are likely to be far more disruptive to staff.

For many (including me) a smear is a very quick, painless exam. I have nieces and nephews that are that age so I understand the challenges they are going through re puberty and questioning their bodies etc. Presumably the OP knows her own daughter and her level of emotional maturity. I wouldn’t volunteer to take an older child but if they asked to go I don’t really see the issue, particularly if they are sat at the head end with the OP. I’d be the same about most routine appointments.

ContessaIsOnADietDammit · 24/01/2019 07:01

Barring issues on the day, I can't see a thing wrong with it. I've had DS1 in the room with me for a smear test, although in my defence he was 4 months old at the time

I think it's nice that you're close enough for her to be comfortable asking and you happy to allow it!

lotusbell · 24/01/2019 07:01

Do it and don't let anyone discourage you on here! She's not asking to join the nurse down there! I'd maybe just check the nurse is happy to have your daughter present. You know your daughter well enough to know if she has the maturity to handle it and the fact she's asked to come and has questions is surely a sign she is. Can't believe some of the reactions on here, let alone your partner's!

troubleswillbeoutofsight · 24/01/2019 07:04

I'm shocked that a 12 year old would even suggest being at her mother's medical appointment. She is probably curious about sex too, ( again a perfectly normal activity for adults) but I'm assuming wouldn't ask to watch you and her father in your bed?

confused8 · 24/01/2019 07:09

I think if you know that you usually cope well with a smear test then it is totally fine (if you usually freak out then maybe not the best idea!)! I think demystifying the procedure for her will help her in the future. There should be more open discussions around things like this with teens. I'm a midwife and have no problem with expectant mothers bringing children in the room for examinations as long as everyone understands what is going to happen and consents. Maybe we wouldn't have the rate of teen pregnancy/declined smear tests if we were all just a bit more open. Genuinely shocked at the level of pearl clutching going on here.

Bungleinthejungle · 24/01/2019 07:13

It amazes me that there are people on here that so struggle with reading comprehension, as usual on these threads. The OP is not making her daughter go! The DD asked if she could go. What's wrong with normalising it. The OP is not asking for her daughter to come to your smear test, so your personal body issues aren't involved.

OP go for it. The less shame and embarrassment about 'women's stuff' the better in my view.

Underhisi · 24/01/2019 07:13

It isn't similar to being at an opticians or dentist appointment. It is more akin to a pregnancy scan which I also think children shouldn't be present at and for non prudish reasons.
I had 25 years of straightforward scans and then one where I was there for half an hour with both another nurse and GP also coming in to have a look followed by referral paperwork. I don't think your daughter being in there in that situation would be good for you, her or the medics.

speakout · 24/01/2019 07:14

For thos suggesting that some of us are "prudes" how candid are you with your children?

Always open about all matters of sexual health?

Would you allow a 5 year old to watch you change a tampon? Boy or girl.

Would you allow a 7 year old to watch you change your mooncup? Again if you have a son.

Would you let your 10 year old childen watch as you insert a contraceptive diaphragm?

Allo your 12 year old son watch as you bathe your vulval stitches after childbirth if he wanted to watch?

Is anything "off limits"

Pk37 · 24/01/2019 07:14

troubleswillbeoutofsight
Are you actually serious?

Pk37 · 24/01/2019 07:15

What is wrong with some of you ?
It’s a smear test ! Something all females at some point should have !
The dd is not going to be sat there looking up her mum gash ffs!!
You need to get over yourselves

MeredithGrey1 · 24/01/2019 07:17

I’m surprised and a bit baffled at some of the responses on here, I think it’s absoluely completely fine. What does your DP think happens at a smear test that would “scar her for life.”

(Id add a caveat that if you’re someone who finds smears particularly painful, then it might not be the best idea because it might put her off, but otherwise, don’t see a problem.)

At 12 many girls may be alarmed at being shown " different sizes of specu;lum" or witnessing how intrustive a smear test is.

Equally she could be reassured by the fact that, despite the speculum looking a bit daunting, her mum is perfectly fine.
Since DD has already asked, I think it’s more likely to be off-putting for OP to respond “no, you can’t come, your father says it will scar you for life and it’s just not something a 12 year old should see.” Hearing that would make me think smear tests were terrifying!!

baywatchfanatic · 24/01/2019 07:20

I am so surprised at the responses here? A smear is really no big deal, it doesn't hurt, a tad uncomfortable, and a speculum really isn't a particularly daunting medical instrument!

I think it is a wonderful opportunity for you to teach your daughter not to be afraid of her own body, and to take care of it. She sounds mature and sensible...go for it!!

witchy89 · 24/01/2019 07:20

I used to go with my mums to hers, just sat at the head end! I even went with her when she had some dodgy cells lasered off following a colposcopy. Can't see what the problem would be?

Costner77 · 24/01/2019 07:20

I see no harm. There's actually a photo being shared on FB at the moment of a woman with the blue tissue stuff they use, covering her privacy - sort of down to above the knees - while she's getting a smear - shared to illustrate how simple the process is I think.

troubleswillbeoutofsight · 24/01/2019 07:23

Pk37 Yes, totally serious.
And I bet if this 12 year old went to school and told her friends and teachers that she wanted to watch her mother having a smear, they too would think her very odd

KrispyKremes · 24/01/2019 07:24

Jesus. I can't believe some of these replies.

It's only a smear. Surely the child sees her mum naked already. As OP has said she's not going g to be down the business end holding the speculum.

I think you're doing the right thing taking her if she's asked to go.

And as you seem so laid back about it it'll be a great first experience of them for her. No big deal.

Most of us don't know what goes on until we go for ours and if she's the personality type like me then it would have helped a lot. I like to be prepared.

If your nurse is like mine then there would be no issue. She chats the whole time and is so friendly. I'd happily take my 5yo and keep her up the head end. We all have vaginas, it's our job to teach our daughters how to care for all of our bodies. Not just the bits we aren't embarrassed to talk about.....

WetWipesGoInTheBin · 24/01/2019 07:27

Your DD has asked so take her if you don't have difficult smears. It is important to normalise taking care of yourself and showing screening is no big deal. I still remember stuff I was shown and told as a child by my adult female family members and adult female family friends hence I don't have the body hang ups loads of posters on this forum have.

Oh and I also presume your DP is male. Unfortunately lots of men have hang ups about the female body and/or know SFA about it. They then presume their female children will have the same issues and lack of knowledge as them when they don't. For example the average 12 year old girl knows a lot more about menstruation than the average adult man.

Twillow · 24/01/2019 07:27

Great idea. She wants to go. Check with nurse at the appointment. I'm thinking not business end? My daughter has always come to blood donation with me - at age of 11 she asked to go on the organ donor register, which we did.

HariboLecter · 24/01/2019 07:27

So many women put off smear tests because they're scared, if you're daughter wants to go with you & the nurse is happy to have her in the room then I would say let her be there.

If it means one extra person goes for their smear then it's nothing but a positive thing. She may even talk to friends which means when it's time for them to have it done, they're encouraged to as well.

ItsClemFandangoCanYouHearMe · 24/01/2019 07:30

really not sure why there are such strong responses about this. I think it's totally fine, not a big deal.

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