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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To allow dd12 to attend my smear test?

779 replies

Toomanychefs · 24/01/2019 00:39

I have my smear test tomorrow. Mentioned it to dd and she asked if she could come with me. I said yes, of course, but dp thinks I'm totally out of order.
So not to drip feed, my dm is a cervical cancer survivor, my smears are always clear, dd has just had her hpv jab at school.
Dps ex wife has never had a smear test as she's 'too private and doesn't want to be violated'
My thoughts are, 'get her to realise its not a big deal so she has no problem going for hers'
Dp says I'm going to scar her for life.
She's not going to be standing at the end of the bed watching the intricate detail (although I'd happily allow her to if it meant she'd realise the importance)
Aibu?

OP posts:
ofclocksandkings · 24/01/2019 07:31

I think it's a brilliant idea, will normalise something that so many adult women are afraid of.

CherryPavlova · 24/01/2019 07:32

I can’t see a problem, to be honest. She’s likely to be sat on a chair talking away and a good nurse will give her a leaflet and explain what’s going on. She’ll not be sitting between your legs staring at your cervix.

rightreckoner · 24/01/2019 07:32

I think it’s a good idea. I wouldn’t take mine as it really hurts and it would put her off but if yours are easy then it’s a great way to normalise it for her.

Tartsamazeballs · 24/01/2019 07:35

Yeh I'd take her. It's no different to taking a toddler to the dentist so they can get the idea of what's going on. You've still got to open wide, just a different orifice 😂

I was a wreck before my first smear because of nerves so it would have been nice to know what was going to happen but me and my mum didn't have that sort of relationship.

I'd tell her in advance exactly what to expect though.

FamilyOfAliens · 24/01/2019 07:35

I’m failing to grasp how watching the procedure being done on her mother is necessary at the age of 12?

She won’t need to have one herself until she’s 25. By that time her friends will have been her main influence for many years and no doubt she’ll have female friends who have had them.

And completely agree with the gynaecologist who posted upthread. Ask permission from the practice first before you bring her in to your appointment.

ThinkOfAWittyNameLater · 24/01/2019 07:36

I'm really surprised by the volume of posts disagreeing with your DD going.

I think it's a fab idea. It takes away the mystery, whilst giving your daughter the opportunity to ask someone she trusts questions. Perfect. I am genuinely baffled by the idea that it would be better for her to watch a YouTube video.

Smear tests are important. Cervical cancer is no joke and we have a simple, effective way to monitor our cervical health. It's no different than dental check ups, or eye tests.

And yes, I have changed my mooncup with my sons in the bathroom. It needed changing. It started a conversation about periods and how it's perfectly normal for a woman to have them. One day, statistically speaking, they will live with women and should know about perfectly normal bodily functions. Just because it won't happen to them personally, does that mean they shouldn't know?

Crack on OP

areyoureallysaying · 24/01/2019 07:41

I would say yes if she wants to go as even though, as you say, she wont actually see any of it on detail. What she will see is you relaxed and chatting to the Nurse while it happens, that it is a quick procedure and that it is painless. I remember putting off my first one for ages as I'd heard so many (untrue) rumours about what actually happened. After my first I was like meh! What was all the fuss about

strawberrypenguin · 24/01/2019 07:41

I'd let her go. It will reassure her that there is nothing to be worried about when it's her turn for one.

SheeshazAZ09 · 24/01/2019 07:42

I wouldn't have a problem. Curiosity like this in a child, if indulged, can often lead them to decide quite early what their path is in life. I am and always was an animal lover. But I am really grateful that as a kid I was allowed to do dissections on (already dead and preserved) animals in the lab and I also did them on bits of animals mum got from the butcher. Some may say it's gruesome but for me it was the beginning of a fascination with biology that's stayed with me my whole life and influenced what I ended up doing.

Juells · 24/01/2019 07:44

Plabom
I'm so surprised at the prudish responses! How strange!

I don't think it comes from a prudish place, to find this odd. Not sure I can even articulate what I find a bit creepy about it. Women are allowed so little bodily dignity for anything connected to childbirth or reproductive health, that starting a young girl so early on the path to accepting that loss of bodily autonomy just seems wrong to me.

Would you encourage her to accompany her father when he goes for a prostate exam? If she expressed an interest. If you had a 12-year-old son, would you send him along as spectator?

Whothere · 24/01/2019 07:52

I’d say no but I did have to take my dd once when she was about 10 as she was off school for a long time and couldn’t be left on her own. She sat on a chair behind the curtain. No big deal really.

dogsdinnerlady · 24/01/2019 07:55

When I turned up for a medical with my GP I had DS (8) in tow as no child care. Doc wasted no time in telling me his appointment was with ME and DD should wait outside.

FamilyOfAliens · 24/01/2019 07:56

Still waiting for the response to the poster who asked if the OP would be happy for her DS to watch his dad having a prostate examination.

kgal · 24/01/2019 07:56

All this talk of saying would you encourage your child to go to appts with their father etc are missing the point that the OPs DD asked if she could go, so talk of suggesting it to a child seems completely irrelevant! I wouldn't see a problem with it as long as the child is happy and assuming she requested it I would guess she is.

And the comment about would you have your child watching you having sex ... what a way to miss the point entirely!!

FamilyOfAliens · 24/01/2019 07:57

Sorry, juells, x-post.

It was asked way upthread as well.

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 24/01/2019 07:58

I think it’s great. She doesn’t have to be at the business end.

Lovemusic33 · 24/01/2019 07:58

I don’t think I would take my dd but then she probably wouldn’t ask, I do tell my dd’s about smears and how important they are, they know if I’m going but I don’t feel the need to take them, I’m not sure the nurse would allow you take your dd in?

Plabom · 24/01/2019 08:02

Not sure I can even articulate what I find a bit creepy about it

Creepy?! It's a routine procedure carried out by professionals. If it was an eye exam, absolutely no one would take issue!

But plop the word 'vagina' in and the pearl clutchers start clutching.

Comparing a smear to a prostate exam is a false equivalency. As is comparing it to a DS instead of a DD. It's ridiculous when posters come up with an entirely different scenario to oppose to!

The OP has asked for opinions about her mature 12 year old DD who has asked to attend a procedure she herself will be advised to have when she's an adult.

OP is entirely comfortable with this, it'll be informative for DD and will normalise the procedure. It's not going to scar her for life, FFS!

Juells · 24/01/2019 08:04

FamilyOfAliens
Sorry, juells, x-post.

Missed that, as I came late to the thread and just read the OP's posts, mainly. Grin

cropcirclesinthefields · 24/01/2019 08:04

I can't see a problem with this I mean she's hardly going to be over the nurses shoulder looking in at the business end of things? I'd have no problem if a child or even my dsd wanted to come with me when I have my next smeer test, it's good to dispel any myths and fears about it and make the test normal to have like a blood test.

Plus I'm sure the nurse would be happy to answer any questions your daughter might have about the procedure. Go for it!

ravenmum · 24/01/2019 08:04

I guess that people's responses are going to be different depending on how comfortable they themselves feel about having someone poke metal objects up their vagina. This would be so much not a deal to me that I would not care either way. Would be a bit surprised that dd thought it such a big deal that she needed to see it; or has she also asked to come with you when you've had your eyes tested or your moles checked?

Here in Germany, if you're on the pill you have regular appointments with your gynaecologist every few months, and they always do a smear test as part of the checkup. Every time you go into the gynaecologist's you go straight up on the stirrups. Is that not the case in the UK? Is a smear test unusual? (I've lived here my entire adult life...)

troubleswillbeoutofsight · 24/01/2019 08:06

And the comment about would you have your child watching you having sex ... what a way to miss the point entirely!!
It's not missing the point. It's having many years of experience with teenage curiosity. Teenagers naturally become curious about things in the adult world. It doesn't mean it's appropriate for them to watch the adults in their life during these activities/ procedures. I'm sure you'll appreciate this. Just because a teenager asks for something doesn't mean the adult has to jump and the OP is asking a question on a public forum. What I suggested is that if the 12 year old went to her friends and told them what she wanted to do they would think her very very odd. I'm sure we all remember feeling curious about sex, smears, childbirth. It didn't mean we had to witness any of these things at age 12 in order not to be traumatised in later life!

AnotherPidgey · 24/01/2019 08:11

There's not really that much to see. Mum goes behind curtain for 30 seconds, tastefully arranges a paper towel. Nurse spends a minute or two doing her job, job done. I'm sure OP will know if it's usually more than a midly uncomfortable experience to her. The results are not immediate unlike a baby scan, so OP's DD is at low risk of any distressing news.

I fortunately fell into a window of smears being offered at 20 so had two by the time the age went up, then was over the age by my next one. I've always taken up the invitation as a relative needed invasive treatment following irregular smears which was around the time I became eligible.

I have had smears while accompanied by young children, that was more distracting as I was checking the pre-schooler was still sitting on his seat. The doors aren't great in our house and I've often had children blunder in while dealing with mooncups and pads. It's no big deal, I just give the headline on what the process is, "my body hadn't made a baby, so the nest of blood for the egg is coming out and this catches it to keep my wear clean". Although this won't happen to my DSs, I think a demystified understanding of how a female body functions is important.

OP's DD is in her comfort zone to ask and that's the important part.

Coffeeisnecessary · 24/01/2019 08:11

My 2 ds have come with me, they couldn't have cared less and just sat chatting, it's just another appointment to them! Why make it into a big deal?

lilyblue5 · 24/01/2019 08:13

I don’t see a problem with this. Surely there will be a curtain around OP and the nurse?
She will just be present and hear. She will know it’s quick and painfree and not a massive ‘thing’ and hopefully will encourage her to go as an adult? Do it OP.
@ravemum, it’s every 3 years which seems so daft. I guess it is more of an event in the UK... Sad