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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To allow dd12 to attend my smear test?

779 replies

Toomanychefs · 24/01/2019 00:39

I have my smear test tomorrow. Mentioned it to dd and she asked if she could come with me. I said yes, of course, but dp thinks I'm totally out of order.
So not to drip feed, my dm is a cervical cancer survivor, my smears are always clear, dd has just had her hpv jab at school.
Dps ex wife has never had a smear test as she's 'too private and doesn't want to be violated'
My thoughts are, 'get her to realise its not a big deal so she has no problem going for hers'
Dp says I'm going to scar her for life.
She's not going to be standing at the end of the bed watching the intricate detail (although I'd happily allow her to if it meant she'd realise the importance)
Aibu?

OP posts:
BabyYawns · 24/01/2019 04:19

So long as she's not at the business end, I think it's fine and helping her to normalize it. Btw OP I totally understand why you mentioned the ex-Ws opinion on smears!

EdgyMcNervous · 24/01/2019 04:32

YANBU. I think some of the responses you've had are properly weird TBH

I can't really see why it would be a problem. My DD1 (11) is totally freaked out by anything medical and would absolutely hate it (she more or less puts her fingers in her ears if I say the word puberty) so I'd never suggest it. But I always make a point of playing down/normalising any medical thing, injections, blood tests, mammograms and making it clear that it's all just part of looking after your body. If she were interested and had asked, I'd be totally fine with her being there (though not at the action end, as you say) - I reckon it would demystify the whole thing and make her realise, as you say, that it's not a big deal.

Having said all that, if DP is dead against it and will be upset by you going ahead, it's worth trying to investigate why rather than just ignoring his view on the subject. His view probably has been affected by his ex's but if you explain clearly why you think it's important, he might feel happier about the whole thing. Just another body part/medical examination, show her that there's nothing to be scared of etc.

MirriVan · 24/01/2019 04:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GulliverUnravels · 24/01/2019 04:44

Why are so many posters assuming the DD is going to be peering into the speculum herself?? Confused Plenty of parents take their kids to various medical tests - opticians, GP, dentists etc - either for childcare reasons or because the kid is interested. The kid doesn't then conduct the test Hmm

I'm a midwife and loads of women bring their children (of various ages) to antenatal and postnatal appointments, most of which involve some degree of undress, and some of which involve an internal examination. It's not a big deal unless the adults in the room make it one.

quince2figs · 24/01/2019 05:15

I think you are forgetting that this is not your decision to take...I don’t know many practice nurses who would feel comfortable with this. I am a gynaecologist, and do not have relatives or friends of patients in the room for intimate examinations - totally inappropriate and unnecessary. You are putting the clinician in a difficult position by deciding for them that they are to provide some sort of education/theatre to your dd that day, without their consent. Several NHS trusts I work for mandate that children (which your dd still is) cannot be in the room for medical procedures. What if the smear does turn out to be uncomfortable or a visible abnormality is found? Could then be counter-productive.The nurse has every right to refuse to have your dd in the room.

As pp have noted, either she is other side of curtain, in which case no real benefit but still uncomfortable situation, or the very much odder option of you seriously considering your 12 year old is interested in seeing your vagina, or needs to do so to understand what a smear is.

I am sensing a well intentioned but misinformed view that you and your dd are “higher risk” somehow due to your mother’s history (cervical cancer or dyskaryosis NOT hereditary). Also can’t see why the need to bring up dp’s ex avoidance of smears, unless to virtue signal that you do attend. There is some level of projection of your own fears about cervical cancer risk here, (understandably), which I think you are erroneously assuming is helpful. Better would be to stick with the sensible general info you have given her about the screening programme that every woman should attend, and to normalise, rather than dramatise.

Great that you are open with your dd about preventative health and avoiding stigma. Equally important that we encourage our dds to attend smears when the time comes. No more necessary to have them in the room than if you were going for a colonoscopy, imho.

Underhisi · 24/01/2019 05:39

What happens if during the test they find an abnormality? I had this last time after many years of straightforward tests - turned out to be nothing but I didn't know this at the time. If this happens it will be more difficult for you and the nurse if your daughter is in the room.

BackBoiler · 24/01/2019 05:40

OPs daughter ASKED to come and OP is comfortable with that so why not?

OP maybe take her and say you can always wait behind the curtain if you decide you want to. It may be more about gauging your reaction and seeing how long it actually takes for herself than actually looking in detail at the HCP doing the smear.

BackBoiler · 24/01/2019 05:42

Although OP have you asked DD to explain why she wants to come and what questions she feels will be answered by seeing you have the smear done?

user1471426142 · 24/01/2019 05:54

I’m surprised at the postings. I wouldn’t hestitate at taking a 12 year old to the optician or dentist with me if they wanted to so wouldn’t see a smear as any different. My toddler has been to my midwife appointments as I don’t have a choice - if she does a sweep later on that’ll be fairy intimate too. She’ll probably have to come to my next smear too

mclady · 24/01/2019 06:07

Take her. She's not going to be at the business end, the most she'll likely see is your knees. It's really not a massive deal. I also wouldn't make a big thing of it, she should view it as something quite normal and mundane, like going to the dentist or opticians.

Lauren83 · 24/01/2019 06:08

I think it's great being open about it but like PP said it's not a spectator sport and there's no need for others to be in there unless you need a chaperone, I would let her wait outside then show her a video on YouTube

Frouby · 24/01/2019 06:12

Let her go. I was terrified going for my first smear. Shes not going to be playing I Spy with the nurse seeing who can spot your cervix first and it's no different to a chaperone being in the room.

speakout · 24/01/2019 06:23

You may find the nurse won't allow it.

Smears are not always straightforward, it could be difficult to get posttioning correctly- the nurs may find a problem, I;m not sure how staff would feel about safeguiarding.

While I do velieve in a healthy eduation regarding sex and health my personal opinion is that it is too much for a 12 year old to watch.

I am giving this thought.
It's quite an intrusive medical examination. At 12 a girl may just have started to explore her own body, I would worry that she may become alarmed when se sees the sixe of the speculum for instance.

I think in some ways it may be alarming for a 12 year old to see- maybe even more alarming than watching a birth.

Anyway, TBG I would be surprised if the nurse would allow it.

speakout · 24/01/2019 06:26

it's no different to a chaperone b(eing in the room.

It is- because for one chaperones are always adults, and secondly chaperones will have witnessed the procedure many times.

Having a chaperone in the room is quite different to having a child there.

Mummyoflittledragon · 24/01/2019 06:26

The question you should ask yourself is, is she mature enough. I figure you’ve concluded yes.

Some of these comments make me laugh. Exhibitionist ffs.

I think you should ask the practice first though as you may be refused.

Mummyoflittledragon · 24/01/2019 06:27

Oh and if you do take her, I’d talk the procedure through, pics of different sizes speculum etc.

Mayrhofen · 24/01/2019 06:29

I don’t think it’s appropriate. DD and I are very close and she tells me everything, including her funny tales of having a smear herself by a student doctor from her university that she kept bumping into round campus later, and how she could see her vagu(a referents in his glasses. But as an adult.

Tbh, does she really want to see her mother with no knickers having a speculum inserted up her vagine. At 12?

That thought would haunt me for years.

Mayrhofen · 24/01/2019 06:33

I also feel this question is more appropriate to posters who have actually had a 12 year old daughter, comparing it to taking a toddler to a midwife appointment is ridiculous,

Jenny17 · 24/01/2019 06:34

Also can’t see why the need to bring up dp’s ex avoidance of smears, unless to virtue signal that you do attend. There is some level of projection of your own fears about cervical cancer risk here, (understandably), which I think you are erroneously assuming is helpful. Better would be to stick with the sensible general info you have given her about the screening programme that every woman should attend, and to normalise, rather than dramatise.

This. You cannot force anybody to go for invasive tests and this is more likely to make her avoid. YABU.

Cauliflowersqueeze · 24/01/2019 06:37

I think it’s a horrible idea.

HariboBrenshnio · 24/01/2019 06:38

I think it's a great thing to do and I'll happily take my DD along if she wanted to come. One of the biggest reasons women don't get smears is fear of the unknown, fear of the pain, fear of getting their vagina out for a stranger. This eliminates it all as it's been shown as normal from the mum.

If nurse prefers she steps out then so be it. I don't expect your DD wanted to actually watch the ins and outs. I've no idea why so many are so horrified by it. Teaching our daughters how to care properly for their health in every aspect, including sexual health, is a great lesson.

It's very much not your DPs decision so his opinion is irrelevant.

Cauliflowersqueeze · 24/01/2019 06:39

You can explain it to her without her actually experiencing it watching you.

Like sex. I assume you don’t invite her along to that and explain what’s going on.

Roussillon849 · 24/01/2019 06:42

Not only do I not think you're being the slightest bit unreasonable, I think it is great your daughter is showing an interest, given your family's health history, and even more great that you're agreeing. What a great relationship you must have with her that she feels she can ask this. It might even encourage an interest in a healthcare career.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with understanding how ANY part of our own bodies works and is checked, and, in fact, I would say that saying no because she's too young is in fact more likely give her an anxiety about it which she clearly doesn't have now.

(I totally understood your mentioning DP's ex wife's reluctance as giving us context to his reaction, btw. I hope that choosing not to have smear tests is not being presented to your daughter as the option for the sensitive female who wants to remain inviolate. That would certainly be noxious).

iMatter · 24/01/2019 06:43

My last smear about 2 months ago was a disaster.

The nurse tried 4 times to reach my cervix, hacked away at me and had to give up. I was sweating, in agony and then bled for 2 weeks.

The nurse admitted she wasn't having a good day (no shit...)

I'm quite sure that would put your daughter off for good.

speakout · 24/01/2019 06:44

HariboBrenshnio

I don't think that's the point.

I think most of us agree that we need more education about health, our bodies, sex etc.

We need to consider what is age appropriate.

At 12 many girls may be alarmed at being shown " different sizes of specu;lum" or witnessing how intrustive a smear test is.
Many 12 year old are yet to self discover they have a vaginal opening, and if they have it is likely to be tentative.

My concern is that it may have the opposite effect, and prevent that girl from having smear tests herself.
Smear tests are not always straightforward.