To allow dd12 to attend my smear test?

[Toomanychefs]

I have my smear test tomorrow. Mentioned it to dd and she asked if she could come with me. I said yes, of course, but dp thinks I'm totally out of order.
So not to drip feed, my dm is a cervical cancer survivor, my smears are always clear, dd has just had her hpv jab at school.
Dps ex wife has never had a smear test as she's 'too private and doesn't want to be violated'
My thoughts are, 'get her to realise its not a big deal so she has no problem going for hers'
Dp says I'm going to scar her for life.
She's not going to be standing at the end of the bed watching the intricate detail (although I'd happily allow her to if it meant she'd realise the importance)
Aibu?

😂 at all the pearl clutching. You're going to hate me! I've taken my DS to more than one smear with me. Last time he was about 8 or 9, which means my next one should be due very soon.

Obviously he didn't watch, he stayed the other side of the curtain and was allowed to play with the medical models on the nurse's desk, after he correctly identified a kidney, heart and knee joint.

I'm a lone parent and he has ASD so I had very few people available to look after him. The nurse explained it was a special check of my "baby-making tummy" to make sure I was healthy. We were done in 5 minutes, i showed him I wasn't in any pain and we went for a hot chocolate.

It helped that the nurse was an ex colleague of mine..... Yes, I let a former colleague stare up my fanjo. Those of us who work in sexual health midwifery, gynae and the like really don't give a shit.

OP, if she wants to come, take her. Smears are at an all time low again. The Jade Goody effect has worn off. I think it's great to show our children (Yes, boys too!) that women's health is not some scary, shameful thing.

I’m another one who thought it was your stepdaughter, on account of you mentioning your DH’s ex! Is he not your daughter’s father then? Nothing to do with either of them then is it?

M3lon - "If she wants to be there and you are happy for her to be there then why not?
There's a hell of a lot of women's stuff I wish my Mum had exposed me too before I had to find out on my own in a fearful reactive way."

^
This... 100% agree

At 12 years of age, puberty is well and truly knocking on the door. The only way she is going to be comfortable and unafraid of the 'workings of her body' and all that comes with it is to be educated. She is your daughter, you are the only one who knows if she is ready for this.

Well done you for having raised such a curious and intelligent daughter.

YANBU, if she wants to go and you're cool with it then fine, check it's ok with the Dr & make sure she knows what to expect first. I had a friend intensely interested in medical stuff at that age, she ended up becoming an ED nurse. It's really not a big deal and definitely might take away the shock factor when it's her turn!

My DD is only 8, but I'd let her at any age if she asked. Wouldn't want her down the business end though!
I'm the same as another poster, I had to work thinks out for myself. Wish my mum had explained periods, waxing, make-up and any other 'girly stuff'.

If you're daughter has asked to go with you then I'd let her. I personally think it's actually really encouraging someone of that age to want to attend one out of curiosity, I assume, which means the message about attending smears being important is being heard! If she goes with you then she will understand that its not as scary or terrifying as her mind could make it out to be so when shes old enough for one she won't even think twice about attending. I think this is a really positive step for the future generations to really get the message across.

I think it would be an amazing idea for her to go with you!
Luckily I'm quite open and relaxed when it comes to things like this BUT! I've just had my first smear a few days ago and I had no idea what I was walking into really.. I googled it the day before I went..

The way I see it, if the education system thinks they're old enough for sex education at 12 then I think it's even more wise to teach them about preventing cancer and going for a quick smear too

if my mother suggested I watch her have her vagina and beyond inspected I'd have been appalled and disgusted.

IF the OP had suggested her daughter go with her & watch, that comment might have been relevant, but as it’s the daughter ASKING if she could go with her, then it’s completely irrelevant.

TooManyChefs. Ask DP why he thinks you’re out of order and why he thinks it’ll scar her. Then report back with his reply, it’ll be amusing to see what he comes up with. Is he usually this much of a caveman?

I would explain to DD how it’s done and ask her if she wants to come in or wait in the waiting room. It wouldn’t bother me if she wanted to come in and it wouldn’t bother me if she wanted to see what the nurse was doing. It’s a medical procedure, not sex with the postman. I’m not sure what people are getting in such a lather about.

It’s not something I’ll need to consider with the 13yo, she was unimpressed at the school showing them a video of a birth. I’m never doing THAT OR having sex. Like EVER’ I have explained that she’ll soon change her mind, about sex anyway, but actually at 13 I can live with her having that mindset!

Eurgh

I think its unusual but no reason why not. I had to take a child to a smear test once as I had to have a follow-up after surgery and there was none to babysit. Nurse said it was fine. Just ask the nurse when you go in if they are OK with it.

Let her go. I wish this had been an option. I was traumatized at the thought of going for years only to eventually realize it was no big deal (after building it up for weeks of anxiety induced nightmares beforehand). I let a young adult friend come along to mine because she was avoiding them as well.

@mirrivan the point of the pap smear is to find pre cancerous cells, therefore being able to treat the issue before it turns in to cancer.

What strange reactions 😂
I had to take daughter when I was being seen at antenatal and they had do some checks.
It’s the human body , she is her mum, we all have vaginas and we all end up needing smear tests.

I think this is great! I’m honestly surprised by all the weirded out responses. I’d say go for it OP, she asked to come and it’s a great way of showing smear tests as not something to be scared of.

Not sure what the point is. I totally understand how important it is to get the message across, and for girls to feel relaxed and wanting to protect their health.

The act of seeing a speculum inserted into a vagina, your vag, isn't entirely necessary to see is it? She won't be given smear tests for another 10 years will she?

I'm not saying there s some sort of negative experience, but has she already seen your vulva. It depends on how open you are already nudity-wise I think.

I don't see any value in her going only to wait outside or outside the curtain, as shes asked because she's interested in the procedure, so long as shes not shocked by it! She only knows her own vagina for size etc, and seeing this procedure just might be more than she needs to see? Are there not plenty of vids on utube to show this, but there's not much to see is there? A speculum disappearing and a scraper!

No issue with you bringing your dd along.

But I don’t know why you’ve bothered to mention it to her dad/stepdad?

I’m far more into ‘information is power’ and ‘prevention is smarter than cure’ (especially when there isn’t one) but I know my DH too well. Since he’s never been to/needed/learned what a smear test involves, and is decidedly squeamish about these things, there’d be no earthly benefit in discussing it with him. You’re just worrying him, encouraging him to stick his ignorant oar in and being a bit goady. Do you really expect to change him or educate him? Settle for educating your dd, for whom the procedure is actually relevant and important.

The only concern I’d have about my curious, mature 8yo dd coming along with me is that I suspect I do a very unappealing facial expression at a key moment and wouldn’t want to put her off! With vaccinations/injections I’ve always made sure I chatted casually through the ‘prick point’ so dd can see it’s nothing to be scared of (and she’s fine with them). Not sure I could carry off casual chatty through a smear. I’m usually grimacing with eyes tightly shut, willing medical scientists to hurry up and find another way to test me. Preferably via internet.

Push ahead with encouraging your dd’s curiousity, but stop hoping/pushing your DH to participate in these things. Tell him if he doesn’t shut his pie-hole on this issue, you’ll make sure he’s the one to demonstrate correct condom-rolling to dd in a scant number of years.

Fantastic idea.

I can't believe the comments on here.

There are so many young people not going for smears nowadays. And there are so many people scared of how much it's going to hurt.

Surely at this age she will remember going with her mum, chatting with her mum throughout and seeing that there is no massive amounts of pain/blood etc. She will go through life realising that it's just a test that is recommended to us and do it without worrying about it.
I'd let her go OP.

Also, its really not very nice! It can hurt, be uncomfortable and the speculum can hurt your cervix, etc. Same as pp about not wanting to put her off.

Has you DPs exw been consulted on this?/or is that what your dp said? He really needs to not repeat that around anyone anymore. Or did his ex say it and if so just why?!

DD (13) has never asked about it but I'd have no problem bringing her along if she did. It's something that should be part of every woman's healthcare routine and isn't a big deal.

Not sure about taking her to a mammogram, though, that really is a weird experience having your boobs squeezed by a machine.

Maybe I'm weirded out by the idea because for me a smear test does bloody hurt, I have to have a valium before hand! They always knock my cervix and the whole thing makes me feel a bit ill! Also I would have died from embarassment to see my mother's vagina at that age, god I'm nearly 50 and the thougth still makes my toes curl. Those bits of me are private, I don't want my kids seeing them! If they are that curious I'm sure they can find something on youtube.

I think it’s a great idea OP. You are obviously not going to have her standing at the end of the bed. It takes two minutes and will
Show her they are no big deal and encourage her to have a positive, relaxed attitutude to such things in future. I think it also serves well to create a honest, open conversation between you and her for future, helps build trust, empathy etc.

What an exhibitionist.
My mother was very open and honest with me and my sister regarding mentruation and women's health, sexual and otherwise. That included the importance of a smear and breast check.
We never felt the need to go along to my mother's gynaecologist appointments, not her to ours.
Fortunately, it didn't extend to her legs being open to us.