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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To allow dd12 to attend my smear test?

779 replies

Toomanychefs · 24/01/2019 00:39

I have my smear test tomorrow. Mentioned it to dd and she asked if she could come with me. I said yes, of course, but dp thinks I'm totally out of order.
So not to drip feed, my dm is a cervical cancer survivor, my smears are always clear, dd has just had her hpv jab at school.
Dps ex wife has never had a smear test as she's 'too private and doesn't want to be violated'
My thoughts are, 'get her to realise its not a big deal so she has no problem going for hers'
Dp says I'm going to scar her for life.
She's not going to be standing at the end of the bed watching the intricate detail (although I'd happily allow her to if it meant she'd realise the importance)
Aibu?

OP posts:
Sparklingbrook · 27/01/2019 10:20

Good post Dungeon. I went along to my first one sort of knowing what would happen and have been to every one since.

All the information is out there and readily available now. Doesn't need to be a mystery.

howabout · 27/01/2019 10:32

A good round up of who is and isn't going for screening and planned developments to the system from 2019, including looking at moving towards self-testing.

publichealthmatters.blog.gov.uk/2017/08/30/health-matters-cervical-screening-its-your-choice/

pigsDOfly · 27/01/2019 13:09

Absolutely Dungeon, people don't read the thread and just go on posting the same stuff.

I've written a couple of pps saying that the child didn't actually go into the smear test with her mother but posters still went on telling the OP how far thinking she is to let her DD go with her to her smear test.

I don't doubt that even after your detailed post people will still post saying what a hero the OP is for letting her DD see a smear.

I didn't take my DDs to smear tests with me, because I had child care and didn't need to but amazingly enough they go regularly for their tests.

Also it really annoys me when the 'cool' people call women prudes and victorian because they don't think it's necessary to let a 12 year old child see her mother having a smear test.

My DDs and I will talk about absolutely everything but the fact that I didn't let them see me having this test somehow makes me some sort of buttoned up weirdo according to some people.

Very strange.

Juells · 27/01/2019 13:17

My DDs and I will talk about absolutely everything but the fact that I didn't let them see me having this test somehow makes me some sort of buttoned up weirdo according to some people.

Exactly Angry

For me it ties into the whole idea that women aren't entitled to have boundaries, if others think those boundaries are silly.

FamilyOfAliens · 27/01/2019 14:43

My 4 year old daughter came in with me and didn’t bat an eyelid, she just said as we walked out ‘Mummy your fouf is fine’

So you went out of your way to take her, yet let her believe that just having your smear test done means everything is ok? Not quite the learning experience you were hoping for then?

Smotheroffive · 27/01/2019 15:22

Thisnisnwhst tires me about these kind of threads. The not reading of the thread where's its all been said, the fact the 12 yo didn't see anything, so knows nothing, despite asking. That the DC is 12, not 2, 5, 16. When DC are younger they don't have any choice, they have to go along to everything (male or female) unless organised for time when DC are in childcare/school.

Once they reach a certain age many are very averse to seeing their dps genitals, as their known awareness and oftentimes awkwardness grows, so then it dcs decision. As the 12 yo wanted to see, I think she should've, but the DM obvs wasn't comfortable with the vulval reveal, that's her choice.

Smotheroffive · 27/01/2019 15:24

*This is what tires
*growing [awareness] not known

Smotheroffive · 27/01/2019 15:25

This is what tires
*growing [awareness] not known

wineandtoastfortea · 27/01/2019 16:10

Familyofaliens. Not at all, I just didn’t think that discussing scraping, cells and testing would be particularly understandable for a 4 year old. It also wasn’t a ‘learning experience ‘. The point is, it’s no big deal and I don’t think it’s necessary to go into the ins and outs of a fart about it.

wineandtoastfortea · 27/01/2019 16:14

I also didn’t ‘go out of my way’ to take her. Just didn’t see why I needed to ask my Mum to drive 20 mins each way to watch her whilst I went for a 5 min appointment. I didn’t ask the nurse if she could help insert the clamp or anything.

FamilyOfAliens · 27/01/2019 19:56

I didn’t ask the nurse if she could help insert the clamp or anything.

“Clamp”? Grin

Tigger001 · 27/01/2019 21:46

I haven't read all the thread so sorry if you have already been but bringing it back your post, you know your daughter and you know how you are with smears.
If they are uncomplicated for you and shows them in a "positive " light to your daughter it can only be a positive step I think. The amount of women that miss smears as they are uncomfortable or think they are painful is such a worry.
I also think they should start smears earlier than 25 even if it only helps a handful of people.

PurpleDaisies · 27/01/2019 21:50

There are good reasons for the screening programme starting at 25. From the NHS website..

Women under the age of 25 aren't routinely invited for screening as part of the NHS Cervical Screening Programme.
The reasons for this include:
cervical cancer is very rare in women under 25
while HPV infection is very common in women under 25, their immune systems will often clear the infection and the abnormal cells will go back to normal without treatment
the number of younger women diagnosed with cervical cancer is likely to go down because of the NHS HPV vaccination programme

TimeForDinnerDinnerDinner · 28/01/2019 10:16

I couldn't do this, but I applaud you.
I think it's very healthy and leads by example.
If you're both happy, do it. You don't need Mumsnet's approval!

Smotheroffive · 28/01/2019 14:06

Just to update, OP did take DD that asked to see, then hid her behind a curtain, so DDs attendance was effectively pointless. I guess she didn't want her seeing anything after all, was there any other point in going other than knowing how long it takes and not hearing her dm screaming!

Smotheroffive · 28/01/2019 14:06

...which she could have told her.

SkaterGrrrrl · 28/01/2019 14:59

Bravo for taking her. You've inspired me to take DD next time. Knowledge is power.

YANBU.

Juells · 28/01/2019 15:31

30 pages of "prudes" "Victorian attitudes" "Knowledge is power" to any posters who said they wouldn't fancy it, admiration for OP's attitude, when OP did the equivalent of bringing her DD and leaving her in the waiting room. 😂

Sparklingbrook · 28/01/2019 15:40

Very true Juells, I should hide this thread really. Another 250 posts of that to go til the thread's full.

Oh and don't forget the much overused 'pearl clutching'.

pigsDOfly · 28/01/2019 16:28

Oh fgs, people still admiring the OP's attitude.

I suggest you might read at least a little of the thread before posting SkaterGrrrrl, the OP didn't actually take her DD to the smear test she was behind the curtain, which means, as Juells pointed out, she effectively left her in the waiting room.

Knowledge is power, indeed.

To say that the OP's child was at the smear test is akin to claiming that when someone on a hospital ward is examined by a doctor behind the curtains the whole ward is sitting in on the examination.

Tigger001 · 28/01/2019 19:52

I completely understand why the screening only starts at 25 but I disagree with it.

PurpleDaisies · 28/01/2019 20:05

If you understand, I can’t understand why you disagree.Confused

Tigger001 · 28/01/2019 20:44

Due to the fact it would highlight cervical cancer in some women younger and maybe save one life

Gwenhwyfar · 28/01/2019 21:49

" the OP didn't actually take her DD to the smear test she was behind the curtain, which means, as Juells pointed out, she effectively left her in the waiting room."

Well, no, you can hear everything from behind a curtain while you can't hear much through a wall. You can also see some of what's going on if the curtain isn't floor to ceiling. There's no curtain in my nurse's room so if she'd had that setup, the DD would have seen it.

Gwenhwyfar · 28/01/2019 21:53

"My DDs and I will talk about absolutely everything but the fact that I didn't let them see me having this test somehow makes me some sort of buttoned up weirdo according to some people. "

Has anyone actually said that? I haven't read any post saying all women should take their DDs with them, only that it could be a good thing for those women who are comfortable with it.